You guys are making a lot of sense! Theres a line and you just dont cross it period!
4/2/14 3:04 P
I totally agree, Love4Kitties.
Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 4/2/2014 (15:06)
4/2/14 12:52 P
There is a difference between disciplining and correcting. If a parent brings a child into my home and, without any correction or discipline, lets him/her run wild, climb on my furniture (including the couches/chairs which exist to be sat upon, not stood upon or climbed upon), tease or harass my pets, etc. you bet I'll correct the child (meaning that I will tell the child to stop doing that and that whatever he/she is doing is not appropriate behavior, not okay or something to that effect). I also would correct any adult who came into my home and did stuff like that (and, yes, I've had to ask multiple adults to stop teasing my pets, stop sitting on the arms of my couch, etc.). BTW, I'm not sure why anyone would think it was okay for either themselves or their kids to come into my home and do something like tease or harass my pets, stand on my furniture or sit on the arms of my couch.
Edited to add: so far as standing and climbing on furniture, this is a behavior that people let their children do when they are toddlers and then it continues on. I don't think that children of ANY age (including toddlers) should be allowed to stand or climb on furniture. They should either be sitting on it, properly, or they should not be on it at all. Oh, yes, before I forget--no one needs to think it's okay for their kids to go into my bedrooms/office, etc. They (and the adults who visit my home) need to stay in the living room/dining room/family room/bathrooms and other common rooms of the house unless they are specifically invited into some other room.
Edited by: LOVE4KITTIES at: 4/2/2014 (12:59)
Fitness Minutes: (5,698)
4/2/14 12:50 P
At that time your friend probably felt "shamed" for her child misbehaving and you having to point it out. She, from past broken marriage, probably has a fragile self-esteem [for good reason] and was/ is in a protective-mode [emotionally] for herself and her child.
To heal, she probably needs extra kindness, compassion�
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53 4/2/14 12:41 P
It can be a difficult situation when it comes to other people children-even a friend's child. First, tell the childs mother what is going on especially if this has been a ongoing problem. Video tape when the children are playing if necessary and watch the tape with your friend if the misbehavior occurs again. Don't be surprised if the parent (s) don't what to hear it or accept the problem. If the parent of the misbehaving child does nothing to correct their childs actions, then don't allow Your child to play with them any longer and in a explaination they will understand for their age, tell you child why "their friend" will no longer be at Your Home. Nowdays it is very easy for any type of punishment to be taken as abuse. Even a simple sounding NO can be misinterpeted as verbal abuse nowdays.
4/2/14 12:11 P
I would never hit, scream at or push a child. There are firm verbal and non verbal cues to get your point across. Without resorting to violence. Think Jo Frost, from Super Nanny.
If a child is in my home. And they are doing something dangerous, that could result in injury. Or they are upsetting my dogs, especially Olivia. Who is very skittish. Or they are destroying my property. I will give their mom an opportunity to speak up and correct them. If not I will do it. If I am babysitting your kids, my house, my rules. And if you don't like it, find another sitter.
In public or someone else's home it is different. Unless the child is about to run into the street or something.
I totally agree. You were not at all speaking of verbal/physical abuse and that is TOTALLY different. Kids thrive on being held accountable in healthy ways. Like I said, some parents let their kids do whatever they want and that is terrible parenting. If other children are over one's home and the parent corrects the other child for something inappropriate, that is in NO way controlling. Parents who feel that way are are usually the ones who have spoiled rotten children who don't know how to share nor have respect for anyone (no boundaries etc). You did the right thing and if my kid were doing something inappropriate, I would be okay if their friend's parent told them not to do that. Now if the parent yelled at them or was physical, that is a totally different ball game. But you were not referring to that. I take my friends daughter to school every morning (her mom drops her off at our home). When it is time to go (especially lately) she has been ignoring me. So yes, I have gotten onto her (in a loving way) that she has to listen just like my children have to listen when I say it's time to go. She ignored me the other morning about playing with her bouncy ball.... It was time to go and I told all of the girls (I have 3 of my own) "lets go" well my children were at the door (they know I don't play) and she kept playing with her ball. I called her 3 times and I was standing within 10 feet of her. The ball then bounced in a corner where it was hard to get and I told her lets go (again) and she began trying to get the ball...she kept trying to get the ball and ignored me a couple of more times and got the ball (she was spending the night that night) so I told her to put the ball down, she finally did, and I told her it would be waiting for her after school :) In my home, I don't care who's child it is, if they are disrespecting me or my home, I will say something. I will not punish them nor be ugly, but kids need to be held accountable. She is a good child otherwise I would speak with her mom. Her mom tells me all the time I can discipline her but I would not do that.... unless she spent the night and all the kids were fighting and needed a time out (then her mother would be called). We are the adults and it is our job to help kids learn. Now in public or someone else's home, I don't interfere unless it might cause my child danger.
Absolutely not. With my grandkids, I never step in. Most of the time their parents do a fine job.
4/2/14 8:13 A
ROXYCARIN Wow no one mention screaming and or physically abusing anyone's child! If some were to touch my own child that's it we are going to have problems. That person that attacked your child is crazy and should not be allowed around children!!
Fitness Minutes: (82,433)
4/2/14 1:19 A
I wouldn't dare and get pissed off when people discipline my kids. It sometimes just rude and I want yell don't speak to my kid like that, but some people have no manners or don't respect there different parenting styles. My kids are my life and I never yell at them. It breaks my heart when people scold them because they don't have the right. For example my two year old toddler grabbed her friends toy during music class and the mother grabbed my kid's hands and yelled at her to get her own toy! Later she knocked my child to ground and made her cry. I think that people who discipline other people's kids have issues and need to learn to be less toxic and controlling.
Edited by: ROXYCARIN at: 4/2/2014 (01:26)
Fitness Minutes: (103,540)
6,661 4/2/14 12:05 A
Yes, when need be.
Fitness Minutes: (71,692)
8,050 4/1/14 10:35 P
I am in my early 30's and growing up my friends parents knew mine very well. Therefore it was a definite go, if my friend was over or vice versa, heck yes they disciplined us. Now a days parents think "don't tell me child what to do" when in reality they let their child walk all over them and look how many, many kids are these days.
4/1/14 1:47 P
Many years ago. I was out walking my dog. It had freshly snowed and the kids had a two hour delay. So these kids were taking snow off of my neighbors car to make snow balls. I told them they needed to step away from the car. And I don't and won't ever believe that I was wrong to do it.
I was nice. The owner came out and was yelling obscenities
Fitness Minutes: (11,285)
4/1/14 1:40 P
Responding only to first post, I don't discipline other people's kids but think it is fine to stop bad behavior in your own house as you did, as long as you did not touch the child. I don't think that is the same think as "discipline(ing) other people's kids" as in the title of the thread, which made me think of punishment, but your post seems to indicate that you only told the child to stop (or something like that).
I think you did the right thing & whether the mom got mad is irrelevant. She should have been watching her child.
It doesn't seem as though one incident like that would lead a friend to hold a grudge for any length of time and tell you not to email her again.
But then again, I am always surprised at how massively some people overreact to minor disputes and stay angry for years, so who knows.
Sorry that happened to you. I'd just let it go as you did nothing wrong.
Fitness Minutes: (37,448)
4/1/14 12:11 P
I tell my son's friends not to do something when it is inappropriate and I have no problems with their parents doing the same with my son. If the boys are out playing and throwing rocks, I wouldn't expect my friend to tell her son to stop and not tell mine. They both know they shouldn't be doing that.
If it is something I consider extreme and I don't see the child's parent around, I will say something. We were at a pet store recently and a child was repeatedly running up to the bird cages waving his arms to scare them. There were no employees around and no parent, so I asked him him to stop scaring the birds. If the parent was upset by me doing this, no one came up and said something.
4/1/14 11:24 A
I spoke to my mom last night and she did mention as someone else did in this thread that people do grow apart and sometimes people come into your life only for a moment. With in that moment you either help them to the next stage of their life or they help you.You were there when she needed help but she cannot be there for you for whatever reason. She also said that sometimes when someone lose something in this case she had a divorce, they feel that they have to fill that need and in her sons case give him and let him do what ever he wants if it makes him happy thus filling the gap of a complete family.
I dont know but her ex-husband has since remarried and has 3 children with his new wife so maybe my mom's got a point.
It was at your house so I feel that you had every right to. All you said was stop that and then talked to your child. I think it is sad how things turned out between your friend and you. She must be going through a lot and mentally might think everyone is out to get her, or even feel sorry for her kid. She will realize one day that you were not in the wrong. It's called denial.
I think everyone agrees you have a right to protect your kid....but before you give a green light to saying YES to 'should anyone be able to discipline a kid who mis-behaves' consider that not everyone has the same idea about what DISCIPLINE is. As a kid I remember teachers being able to smack a kids hand with a ruler for simply talking in class. Some people get to a point in their scolding where they go beyond criticizing the bad behavior and start making it a verbal attack on the child . And even if the child is a behaving like a brat, you may not know what is going on with that kid...autism, mental trauma, emotional problems. Would you want adult who is unstable themselves to discipline your children?
3/31/14 10:22 P
I don't believe that anyone has ever held a grudge against me for correcting their child in my home.
I think there was one mom and her son was flipping over the arm of my sofa. I told him to stop it. I think she got her nose bent, but I don't communicate with her any more. I believe the young man is in his 20's now. That would be an awful waste of energy to hold a grudge for that long
3/31/14 7:16 P
I got it, sometimes things happen for the best and sometimes you need to let things be... thanks you guys!!
Fitness Minutes: (82,255)
3/31/14 5:17 P
You did the right thing! It takes a village....
I correct kids behaviour all the time whether it be my kid or another kid....
3/31/14 5:16 P
I expect that any child in my house, whether their parents are there or not, to follow my rules. It is MY home, and it is to be respected, not destroyed or disrespected because no one taught them to behave. I spend my days disciplining other people's children since I do childcare privately (nanny, baby-sit), and I work in childcare facilities. I'm good at it, and I don't care what the parents think of me. People have thought highly enough of me to put 4 children into my custody when they couldn't manage them. I was friends with someone, or at least thought we were friends, with a 2 year old son. She brought him to my house one day and sat on the couch while he began destroying my house. Raising things above his head and throwing them to the floor as hard as he could, hitting my dogs, throwing things at my sister. When I said something to him she completely dismissed it, "oh he does this all day". When I picked him up, to physically stop him since he refused to listen to verbal instructions he kicked me, and she laughed. Then she had the nerve to demand that I watch him so she and her husband could swim 2 nights a week. I refused stating I couldn't watch a child who destroys everything and refuses to listen (he understood and was just used to getting his way). I haven't heard a word from her since then. Previously we'd been speaking or seeing each other once or twice a week. I'm not sorry. Children need rules, expectations, and enough space to run off their energy. But that's not my house or kicking me. When I take my sister places, sometimes kids try to do things to her. She looks like an adult, but has the mental capacity of a 15 month old and is completely defenseless. I've had many parents attempt to berate me in public places after I rebuke their out of control child who is doing something to my sister. I just suggest calling police to the scene since they had no idea what their child was doing (their claim usually) and that's child neglect or abandonment. They walk away pretty quickly.
I don't think you were wrong to tell a child to stop doing something against your house rules at your house. I do think giving the children a lecture while the other mom was right there was where you might have overstepped. I think you should have discussed your concern over behavior with the other parent, let them handle their own child and lectured your dd later on how to handle situations.
I doubt it was incident with your kids from 3 years ago that did in your friendship. It sounds like there was a significant age difference, you've grown apart due to distance/lack of communication and maybe financial differences between your families. She may have stuff going on that you don't know about. It is possible that her child no longer wants to be around your child and it is awkward. You seem like you were pushing pretty hard when she was trying to decline. Bringing up something from the past maybe made her feel attacked. Hard to say why she feels the way she does.
I wouldn't put negative feelings onto your past relationship with her. She was your friend at that time and place. She can't give you what you want right now. I would just remember the good times you had, wish her well and make new friends.
3/31/14 3:47 P
My husband was transferred out of the area (nowadays you gotta go where the jobs are). I did notice there was tension after the incident and we spoke about it and I thought it was resolved. There was a scarcity of calls seems like it was almost one sided but I thought that the one person that I could really count on for support when I got the bad news and had to go in for surgery the 1st would be her . I am slow to anger and very analytical so after bad news and more bad news and the 3 surgery and not feeling better off I admit I was a bit peeved. This was a person that's my moms age I really thought that this was petty. For example she had to go bk to work soon after giving birth and had no child care (kids are weeks apart in age) I told her to bring him and I will take care of him and I just gave birth and had many complications. I just expected more
but I am curious about your friendship with this person. You have moved away. In that time you stopped communicating, as often, it sounds like you don't see each other, and she politely turned down your invitations to visit you. She said: 'I thought after your third surgery you would be feeling better by now.' and You replied by saying: 'how would you know how I�m feeling if you haven�t bothered to find out.' ... So you bring up an incident that happened 3 years ago? And you are surprised she said not to call her or contact her ever again. Distances have a natural way of changing relationships...maybe it was just that
Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 3/31/2014 (15:27)
3/31/14 2:27 P
Sorry as KJfitnessdude said it takes a village to raise a child and its true. At this age I wouldnt dare disrespect my parents and or grandparents.
3/31/14 2:20 P
its heartbreaking to concluded a relationship over something like this. My gram gram is from the old country and they believe in hitting and pinching and it didnt matter where or whose child as fitness guy said it takes a village. There was no speaking as she always said spare the rod spoil the child.
BACKNBUSINESS - yes I have just had this happen to me. My brother and sister in law have 5 kids: 9, 4, 2, 1, and newborn. The older four have no rules at home and come to our house thinking they can behave the same way. Walking on furniture, slamming cabinet doors, throwing things, running, you name it. When my husband and I put our foot down they got angry that we were disciplining their kids and refused to bring them to our house for close to a year.
When they started coming over again their behavior was exemplary, but slowly the old habits are creeping back. We now do most of our visiting in public places like parks etc where the kids can play. It's sad because I don't want to lose my brother over this and actually enjoy seeing him but the kids are so out of control that I feel anxiety for hours when I know they are coming to our house.
3/31/14 2:06 P
Do some people feel that their kids can do no wrong....... is that it?
3/31/14 1:57 P
I am a teacher and it is hard to watch other people's children misbehave. I only correct students, not friends kids.
I stopped reading as soon as I got to the fact that it was at your house. My house my rules, if you don't like it keep your kids at home. This is a practice I have had since my kids were toddlers now they are 19, 17 and 13. Their friends still abide by this rule. If they don't want to follow our rules they don't have to be here.
As a matter of fact I have two nieces that have refused to come to my house since they were teens because I do not allow texting at the dinner table AND when I put dinner on the table you better set your phone down and come to the table or you don't get to eat. It caused a problem with my sister and I for a while but now she said she wishes she had followed my example on this more. Her kids tend to walk all over her.
Also, when my kids were toddlers/young elementary one of my closest friends had kids the same age. They had no rules: ever. One day they were playing and her son pulled apart a Nerf bat my son had just gotten as a birthday gift the week before. She laughed and said "He does that with all his Nerf stuff." I fussed at him and she got PO'ed at me. At that point I told her she could take them home and they were not welcome back until 1) she bought my son another bat and 2) she started correcting them when they broke my rules.
She did not talk to me for over a year. That's ok because MY kids needed to see that I expected EVERYONE to respect our house rules and me. My friend came around and called again but her kids have never been back to my house. She has young kids again (2nd marriage) and she makes them follow my rules.
Finally, I tell my kids that they are to follow the rules of the house they are in or mine whichever is stricter.
I feel sorry for your situation and can only say you did the right thing.
As for the topic of behavior correction of other children; yes, I am of the mindset that a community needs to help in nurturing our children to become responsible citizens unless of course you're "that guy" who yells at kids for fun..."Hey kids, get off my grass!"
I think when parts of our society start to lament about wanting "the old days of America" back they should think about this aspect a lot because correcting someone else's child was common place back then.....yes, I'm THAT old to remember those days!
3/31/14 1:44 P
Yes!!! A group of kids were racing for the bus and had to cross the street to get there. A car was coming so I yelled "Stop"!!! The mothers told me I scared their kids and to never do that again. So I said I had no problem with that -- they could pick their kids up off the pavement after getting hit. And I never, ever faced the street again while waiting with my children at the bus stop. I chatted with my kids with my back to the street while we waited.
3/31/14 1:34 P
Has anyone ever had a grudge against you after you scolded their child? How did you handle it?
3/31/14 1:25 P
When the child is at your house you absolutely have the right to correct them. Imagine if that inappropriate thing had gotten one or more children hurt.
I tell people. Don't bring your kids to my house if I cannot discipline them. I have witnessed children being a little rough with my dogs and I don't care if the mom is right there. No one will be rough with my dogs.
3/31/14 1:18 P
Kids were 7 when incident occurred
3/31/14 1:09 P
This has bothered me for sometime ( 3 months)�I had a friend that was in her fifties our kids played together and are the same age. One day they were over my house and (I am very protective when it comes to kids and always checking up and keeping a watchful eye). Her and I were in the kitchen and the kids were playing in the living room, I peeked my head out to see what they were up too (hence it was quiet) and her son was doing something inappropriate so I said stop that. I told my daughter that if someone is doing something that you know to be inappropriate call mommy, leave, say stop that or don�t do that! I told mom what happen as she was right behind me and she seem upset because I scolded her child. I am a mom should I by pass my own Childs well being for someone else�s child? I think not! Have you ever dealt with anything of this nature? We discussed this issue and I thought we were past it since then. Last summer in-between surgeries I offered to fly them up to where we live now if she could take time off from work. Her response was she couldn�t so I asked if she would allow him to stay for the summer. She gave me random excuses. Most recently I texted her (because we use to talk everyday) to say that I felt that she has been distant she replied by saying I thought after your third surgery you would be feeling better by now. I replied by saying how would you know how I�m feeling if you haven�t bothered to find out. Anyways I had a feeling that the incident was still tearing away at her, so I brought it up (because what else could it be I have always been there for her) well needless to say she said that I shouldn�t call her or contact her ever again. It�s sad because this has happened (incident) 3yrs ago. Our kids are weeks apart I was there when her husband left her for another woman when she was pregnant with her son; she didn�t drive so I planned our doc visits together. Our kids celebrated birthdays together like brother and sister and I not only viewed her as a friend but as a mother figure. Was she ever a friend or was I just convenient? Heart broken
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