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SONICB Posts: 4,240
8/24/13 4:01 P

I am really tiny in real life (although not unhealthily so) and sometimes get questionable or judgmental looks (AND COMMENTS! O_O) from complete strangers. Some people who are closer to me also frequently point out that I "need to eat more," even though they have no idea how much I actually consume. It used to bother me so much that I would cut back on my physical activity and force myself to eat fattening foods to keep the pounds on, but I felt like crap and didn't really like the way I looked. Eventually, I grew thicker skin and now try not to surround myself by people who judge me for the way I look.

LOUNMOUN Posts: 1,290
8/24/13 3:28 P

I have been on the receiving end of nasty comments when I was younger and thinner. The girls who made the comments were pretty average sized and more popular but apparently insecure about their appearance/weight. I didn't gain weight to try to fit in with them. My friends were all shapes and sizes. Usually I became friends with people because of similar interests.

I did feel like maybe for awhile after my dd was born that I might feel more secure/protective being larger but I didn't gain weight to fit in with anyone. It just happened that I gained weight and I'd be perfectly happy now being 20-30 lbs lighter for my own health and well being.

I do think the points in the article can be horribly true about friendships for some people but are not for me.

STRONGERLEANER SparkPoints: (118,546)
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8/24/13 2:58 P

I do get more unwanted attention from men when I am thinner. That made me want to be a little heavier in the past.

I think when I was a thin little girl I wanted to not be the skinny girl but as an adult, I've never wanted to be heavier or any particular size to fit in.

THINJIM1 Posts: 3,030
8/24/13 12:43 P

No

ILOVEMALI Posts: 1,311
8/24/13 12:42 P

I think that some people keep the weight on out of fear. What if I lose the weight and life isn't that perfect life that I had imagined that it might be, for example. If one ties weight to problem solution, one is bound to be disappointed.

MCASKEY6 SparkPoints: (12,047)
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8/24/13 12:39 P

For me, being heavy is what made me invisible. Have you ever been out, talking to your friend and had a guy step between you, putting his back to you, to chat up your friend, without so much as an ďexcuse meĒ? And there is/was a comfort in it. I never had to put myself out there because I always felt that I would be ignored anyway. I used my weight as an excuse to keep everyone at armís length. All that has gotten me is an increased risk of cancer, diabetes, and heart disease, and a lot of lonely weekends.

LADYCROFT7 SparkPoints: (14,864)
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8/24/13 10:39 A

If we're going to talk about envy, we should acknowledge that it does not have to just come from women. At my last job I was the only woman in a male dominated area and I was the focal target of much envy and attempts to make my life miserable. None of these men were my boss, they did not report to me in any capacity, but they did envy me. I could guess why, but why would I want to? Personally I don't let where I work define who I am. Yes, I did end up finding another job but it was because I decided that there where other, more important things going on in my life and I wasn't going to let any stress from my work situation affect them.
Yes, envy certainly does exist in the world today but we are responsible for how we react to what life hands us. We cannot control what other people think or how they act, only how we respond. I admit thinking that way takes some practice and time to get to that point, however I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that we grow from difficult points in our lives. I'm not by any means saying that those times don't hurt, but I do believe that when we emerge from those dark periods we are stronger for having gone through them. We can choose to focus on how much something s*cked, how much it hurt, or we can shake the dirt from our feet, glean a pearl of wisdom from it and move on.
Also I think that we are more vulnerable to be hurt by envy and jealousy IF we allow the world we live in to dictate our happiness instead of trusting that we are here for a purpose, guided by a plan.
I too once thought that talent speaks for itself and in some situations it does, but in others it opens the door and our interpersonnel relationships have to help us walk through. Sometimes the door just closes. In The Sound of Music, Julie Andrews character Maria has a great line "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." Sometimes having an oppertunity seemingly taken from us is in fact God's way of pushing us towards bigger and better things. I'm truly sorry that your situation played out the way that it did and that you (seem to) feel like you must walk on eggshells around people. I don't mean to downplay that at all, or to offer seeming "fortune cookie wisdom" only to share what I learned from my expieriences.

JASMINEMARS Posts: 133
8/23/13 10:42 P

Regarding your last paragraph, SOUTHGOINGZAX, I hope so. I am fixated on envy because I have experienced the wrath of it in various situations in my life. Therefore, I am extremely sensitive to arousing envy in others because I know the danger of it. I hope I don't sound overdramatic, but evoking envy in others is something many people don't consider a danger. Also, evoking envy in others is extremely hard to detect, because no one would ever admit to being envious. Envy is a secret emotion.
Probably the only one anyone really has to watch out for is his or her boss at work. Because this is the person that controls your money and advancement while you are under them. If the boss is envious of you, then it will come out in little ways, like a point or two off your annual review or unnecessary requests to stay late.
Yes, I agree that you can't conform to the wishes and standards of others. Perhaps one can conform to them if there is an end goal to be achieved, and for a limited amount of time.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but there is scientific proof that people all over the world generally view beauty in the same way. They are drawn to symmetry and certain proportions found in nature.
Your second to last paragraph is extremely helpful to me. You wrote that a person only needs to be cautious of he/she is seeking approval and living up to that person's expectations. My argument may be weak, but it is that sometimes a person is in a position where gaining the approval of someone else is of paramount importance. Again, the workplace is the most relevant example of this. Climbing the corporate ladder or succeeding in one's own business sometimes requires becoming who others want you to be. Of course, this can't be sustained. But it is a ritual that people participate in all the time, regardless of whether they realize it.
Thank you for your detailed thoughts on my post. You have helped me out and I appreciate it very much.
Jasmine

SOUTHGOINGZAX Posts: 305
8/23/13 10:18 P

I've taken the liberty of copying your post to respond directly, see below.

"I guess I have failed miserably in communicating my point, because the responders to my post are just not getting it, and that's my fault.
I am not saying that I go around being envious and jealous, and it is a big part of my life. I am saying that envy is an emotion that is not uncommon. It is an emotion that is hard to detect in people. It is an ugly emotion that people do not admit to themselves or others."

- Here is what I, and perhaps many of the posters are trying to point out to you: If envy is not a big part of your life, why are you so fixated on it? If you are happy with yourself and your life and are not envious of others, then what does it matter if others are envious of you?

"I've recently uncovered a reason why I am reluctant to lose weight, and it is not because I like to overeat or am lazy and unwilling to put the work into it. And it is not an "excuse" or "justification" to stay lazy and eat extra ice cream, either. I have been conditioned to be fearful and super-vigilant of others' envy because of past traumatic events in my life."

- I do not discount that this is your truth. However, continuing to fear others' envy will not allow you to achieve your goals and have success at your weight loss journey, either. You can't define your successes according to the standards or wishes of others, only yourself.

"We all want to be successful, beautiful, thin, and rich."

- I'm not sure that is exactly what we all want. I don't want to be thin - I want to be fit. Successful at what? By whose standards? Beautiful? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so again, who says you are beautiful? You do. Rich? Sure it would be nice to have more money, but as long as I have enough money to pay my bills and eat good food, I'm pretty happy. I am not envious of those with more.

"If one is successful, beautiful, thin and rich, do they have to be cautious about their interactions with people, and be sensitive about others' feelings by being self-effacing, humble, helpful, etc., by downplaying one's looks and abilities and money?"

- A person's true character will show through any amount of make-up, hair-styling, clothing, and surrounding riches. It seems as if your definition of success is skewed towards what other people think of as successful. If this is in fact the case, then you will always be worried about what other people think and fear retribution or punishment for your "successes". A person only has to be cautious of other people and downplay his/her own abilities if they are seeking the approval of others and trying to live up to others' standards and expectations. Your concern about what others think can only be a huge hindrance to any real successes you would like to achieve.

Your recent revelation(s) about your reluctance to lose weight is a good first step in the right direction, but I think that you may need more time to fully understand what a successful, meaningful life means to you. Once you craft that vision and start taking steps to create that life, then your concerns about the envy of others will disappear.

JASMINEMARS Posts: 133
8/23/13 9:28 P

To simplify the question:

If a person is successful, beautiful, thin and rich ... are they more often envied and hated? What can the person do about this? Do they have to be careful to not show or flaunt what they have to the world in order to move about comfortably in society and not be a target?




XFLIPS2013 Posts: 236
8/23/13 9:27 P

you were posting when I was writing... I don't think you explained yourself poorly, I think I understood what you have been saying... and people are sharing various perspectives, perceptions and responses...

and I'm sorry you have suffered at the hands of others, we all have I imagine... but I can't let others define me or what I do, I have to do what's right for me... unless they are paying me to do it with a smile (a boss at work) or a cop when I break a law. Otherwise I'm the boss of me...



Edited by: XFLIPS2013 at: 8/23/2013 (21:30)
XFLIPS2013 Posts: 236
8/23/13 9:23 P

you ask if a person can be the best self without being someone's target?

probably not, and beyond high school, you would think the social cliques/judgements, undermining/sabotaging behavior would no longer be an issue, whatever the underlying reason. Not all people are good but why let other people be bullies or let their hangups, negative judgements or crapiness confine or define or be the guide to why and whatever you do?

that kind of crap stops when good people stand up against it and do right... and personally, no, I don't intentionally stay fat or eat to fit in...

MONIEE2 SparkPoints: (123,142)
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8/23/13 9:19 P

Never that!!!

emoticon

JASMINEMARS Posts: 133
8/23/13 9:17 P

I guess I have failed miserably in communicating my point, because the responders to my post are just not getting it, and that's my fault.
I am not saying that I go around being envious and jealous, and it is a big part of my life. I am saying that envy is an emotion that is not uncommon. It is an emotion that is hard to detect in people. It is an ugly emotion that people do not admit to themselves or others. Of course, there are varying shades and degrees of jealousy and envy. One might feel a twinge of envy when their friend wins the lottery, for example. Or a boss might secretly feel threatened by his subordinate and ever so subtley sabotage any successes that person has. I've recently uncovered a reason why I am reluctant to lose weight, and it is not because I like to overeat or am lazy and unwilling to put the work into it. And it is not an "excuse" or "justification" to stay lazy and eat extra ice cream, either. I have been conditioned to be fearful and super-vigilant of others' envy because of past traumatic events in my life.
We all want to be successful, beautiful, thin, and rich. But do we really want to be? What are the downsides of being this way? Are there any? Or is it all good? If one is successful, beautiful, thin and rich, do they have to be cautious about their interactions with people, and be sensitive about others' feelings by being self-effacing, humble, helpful, etc., by downplaying one's looks and abilities and money?

CEDARBARK1 SparkPoints: (2,479)
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8/23/13 8:42 P

No. I don't fit in anyway, so why do it by weight? DUH.

ZOMBIEREADY SparkPoints: (3,429)
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8/23/13 8:37 P

I used to intentionally keep some weight on because I was always super muscular (without trying), and men didn't like it. I wish I hadn't gotten into that habit. Now, I struggle, and I'm married to a man who picked me out of a crowd of gorgeous, thin women because I had guns. I'll get them back. They're still buried in there.

SOUTHGOINGZAX Posts: 305
8/23/13 7:58 P

Jasmine,

I read your next post after I posted mine. I have to reiterate that if you are living an authentic life, staying true to who you are, then envy and/or jealousy do not play major roles in your life.

I only experience envy when I start to compare myself to others, using someone else's standards. I can't speak for other posters, but for myself, jealousy and envy are not major concerns or focal points in my life. I consider myself to be extremely lucky - I have a job, I have a home, I have people in my life who love me and want the best for me. I have two working legs and two (mostly) working arms. I can run, and jump, and take the dogs out and and enjoy a margarita and get completely entwined with my boyfriend and sleep for 9 hours like two dead spiders. There's nothing my life is lacking, and I'm honestly pretty happy. I built this life, I earned it. It was hard, and the road was dark and bumpy and I took some huge hits, but I am living and loving my life for me. So, my guess is, if you figure out what you truly want and need out of life and take steps to make those things happen, you will find that envy and jealousy do not play a big part in your life either.

I wish you the best!

GOALWTIN7 SparkPoints: (2,121)
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8/23/13 7:37 P

Sometimes when you lose weight you need to lose friends by choice. If you're staying fat to be one of the crowd, you need a different crowd. Most people in one's life are only acquaintances. Real friends that most of us have very few of always want the best for you as you do them.

144AUTUMN SparkPoints: (71,353)
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8/23/13 7:37 P

What!?! Not sure I get your question!!!

SLIMTHICK2 SparkPoints: (82,909)
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8/23/13 7:33 P

no

JASMINEMARS Posts: 133
8/23/13 7:24 P

I am finding it interesting that a lot of the posters in this thread do not acknowledge that envy is common and it influences our interactions in everyday life. Envy is one of the seven deadly sins. Much was written about it in the "olden days" but not so much in the modern days. Envy has been the crux of many wars, deaths, destructions, and so on.
I started this thread to gain some insight into this issue in an effort to help myself. Aside from a few posters, I don't believe that many people think about envy, recognize their own envy, and acknowledge that it is exists among us all the time. I want to point out, too, that jealousy and envy are similar emotions, but they have differences. For example, being jealous means you fear losing something. Being envious means you do not find the success of another to be celebratory.
I've been reading the responses and one says I am shallow and bitter, and several more say that this issue I have been discussing is just an excuse to not put in the work to lose weight. I guess I can't expect everyone to understand what I am talking about it, or acknowledge that women commonly have a fear of being envied, and this may sabotage themselves to varying degrees (including keeping on weight).
If you have never experienced pain because of envy from others (and it comes in many forms, lots of them secretive), then you are lucky.
The purpose of my post is to try to figure out if it is possible to allow oneself to be the best they can be (extreme success) and at the same time NOT be the target of any malice due to others' envy. Again, others' envy can be hard to detect, hard to pinpoint, rarely acknowledged, and sometimes untraceable. An example of this would be an old coworker who has harbored resentment toward you and posts negative messages on your blog or website under an alias name.


SOUTHGOINGZAX Posts: 305
8/23/13 7:11 P

Oh, geez - that's the last of my worries!

I think most women "keep weight on" because it's very hard to get rid of it, not because they are afraid of jealousy or envy.

I have read some of the other posts and your responses, Jasmine, and I have to say that I think I understand where you are coming from, mentally. I spent a long time both physically and mentally depressed. I would look at others and crave what they had - literally, it was like an actually physical aching. Life seemed very dark and unfair and I felt trapped in a cycle of never getting/having what I wanted.

What changed things for me was eliminating gluten from my diet and a number of other foods I am allergic to, and years of therapy/counseling, and reading a book called "My Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte Taylor. Taylor describes how the two halves of the brain work together to create thoughts, and also what you can do to change the patterns of negative thinking we all get into. This is critical if you want to live an authentic, genuine life. And if you are living the life of your true self, then you are always going to be beautiful and successful. I think this is why Oprah is so appealing to all of us, actually - not because of her flaws or her wealth, but because she is doing her best to live a genuine life.

Living an authentic life, being true to who you are as a person, will allow you to focus on the good things in life (love, kindness, empathy, compassion) and any hate and jealousy coming from others will tend to fade away because 1) you love yourself too much to have those kind of people in your life and 2) you can recognize that sort of envy comes from people who are desperately unhappy with themselves but don't know how to become happy.

If you are finding yourself in that place, my heart goes out to you, but trust me - this is not how it has to be, for you or for anyone. And, now that I am on the other side of that, I think this is not how most people live their lives, really. You can change your perspective and experience the world in an entirely different way, if you choose. But just like everything else in this world, it takes some work.

Edited by: SOUTHGOINGZAX at: 8/23/2013 (19:41)
XFLIPS2013 Posts: 236
8/23/13 6:34 P

Are there gossipy snarky cliquey groups in society post-hs who love to people watch and knock others down? Sadly, yes, but should we strive to meet their standards? No.

Are there people who lose weight and become uncomfortable with the changes in the way(s) people treat them, such as more attention for many reasons? Likely. And likely it takes time to adjust to changes.

I am not sure anyone intentionally or consciously chooses to be fat, but in the fight, may lose the battle, and become self-conscious about their weight and perhaps envious/jealous of others who can maintain a normal weight, succeed socially or in their jobs or whatever.

Do fat people eat with others so they can stay fat? More likely it is part of social culture like holiday feasts and a good dinner out for fun or to celebrate or grab a pizza and chat. The reasons for eating socially are centuries old. The sizes served and types of foods eaten together have changed, and more people are fighting obesity.


CIRANDELLA SparkPoints: (59,534)
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8/23/13 6:25 P

No, I keep the weight I lost off to maintain good health.

BLUEANNIEDOG Posts: 321
8/23/13 5:57 P

NO.

LADYCROFT7 SparkPoints: (14,864)
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8/23/13 5:41 P

The way I look at it is that if someone is that desperate/determined to hold negative feelings against you then they are going to find something to dislike or be jealous of no matter what. Living in fear of what someone else might think is in no way healthy. If someone wants to hate on me because of what I weigh than honestly I feel sorry for them, I might pray for them to find confidence within themselves to see me or someone like me as inspiration but I would never purposley keep any weight on because of a possible negative opinion. Ultimately it's MY life not theirs and I have to look at myself in the morningand like what I see or choose to change it. (and not just the outside I mean life choices as well)

FLOYDIE40 Posts: 34
8/23/13 5:28 P

Heck no!!!

I think most of us hang out with people like us. If they aren't our same size, size doesn't matter to them. If they're going to wear a bikini to a wedding, I probably wouldn't hang out with them (and neither would my husband.)

The author strikes me as bitter and shallow, and while I may run into women like this at work, I stay as far from them as possible.

Edited by: FLOYDIE40 at: 8/23/2013 (17:46)
KPEDEN74 SparkPoints: (48,121)
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8/23/13 5:23 P

I think that some people just look for any excuse to justify being overweight. They do not want to take responsibility for their health and want to point the finger elsewhere.

BECCA315 Posts: 2,855
8/23/13 4:39 P

Frankly, I found the whole article disturbing. I've never done anything to fit in, as fitting in just isn't that important to me. And sometimes it does backfire, as people, especially men, finally find out that I'm smarter and snarkier than they thought.

As for the weight, I put it on because I got lazy. I never thought that people judged because of my excess poundage. (But I do admit that the extra weight around my middle took men's eyes off my above-average bra size...) Neither do I worry about what they think now that I'm finally losing it, after 3 decades. I am losing to feel better, and to stave off the many age-related health issues that we read about all the time: diabetes, circulation problems, heart issues, etc.

Thanks for sharing, and for opening my eyes a little bit. Becca

JASMINEMARS Posts: 133
8/23/13 3:27 P

Hi, Thank you all for your responses. You have been very helpful in trying to analyze this issue which I think affects a lot of people but is not often dealt with, acknowledged, or talked about. Thank you, especially, GEVAN, for your empathy and insight. It is good to know I am not alone in what I am thinking.

When asked, most people would say that it is NOT beneficial to hide the full extent of their abilities from their employer, or dress down when meeting with less attractive friends, or have a house and car that is shabbier than what would make you happy (and much less than what you can comfortably afford).

But I tend to disagree with that. I think these actions CAN afford some protection in some circumstances. This is what is making me very sad about life in general. The fact that dimming one's own light is beneficial to oneself in some circumstances.

A lot of people would argue that it is NEVER ok to dim one's own light, and those who are jealous of it are just insecure and you should just ignore them. But that is easier said than done.

Do you agree that in some circumstances, it is easier to live life, move around in society, and be more comfortable in your job if you DO opt to purposefully hide your brilliance? I doubt most people would NEVER admit to doing this. But I'll bet a lot do.

I would love to live life with true freedom to be and do whatever I want. But it is an impossibility. It is true that we all need to grease social interactions in ways that do not make us a target of hostility, resentment, envy, anger.

Can a beautiful, rich, successful, THIN woman live life free from envy of others? I really want to know this.

I am thinking that Oprah is rich, successful, and attractive. But is she strikingly beautiful? No. Does she have a perfect figure? No. These flaws are part of what make Oprah relatable to and admired by women. Oprah's flaws contribute to her true power.

Am I way off base here? Basically I am in an aggressive seeking mode today!! I am appreciating and devouring any and all comments in this thread and in my other one posted today. Thank you so much.
Jasmine

FIRYMIST35 Posts: 1,154
8/23/13 2:12 P

Maybe the subconscious part is that you go out to dinner with friends and they order and eat a lot of food, then most people tend to do what those around them are doing. Unless you consciously monitor your own eating/drinking and quit when you've had enough it can be a problem.

KITTYCAT64 Posts: 599
8/23/13 2:06 P

I have read some of the naysayers, but even though I don't worry about that anymore, I have lost weight in the past,and there were those who seemed to resent it. So I get the question.

07SOJO Posts: 1,648
8/23/13 1:43 P

Never heard of this.

GEVANS7 SparkPoints: (70,210)
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8/23/13 1:08 P

Jasmine, I am very sorry for your pain and you are indeed in pain. No one should want to feel ugly. There are many, many people who make no judgements on people for their size or looks or economic status. I'd like to think I am one of them, but I am a loner by nature, too many people have hurt me.

Trust me, I flaunt nothing and downplay everything about myself and still am treated with sarcastic snobby remarks.

I have known two women closely who did everything they could to NOT be attractive. Both of them had been raped when they were younger and thinner so they did this to themselves out of fear. They thought they had provoked the rapes by "appearing attractive". This is damage that can only be repaired with affirmation and extensive treatment. My heart aches for them.

GEVANS7 SparkPoints: (70,210)
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8/23/13 1:01 P

Wow, this is one of the best threads I have ever read on here, plus the replies are intelligent and very thought provoking.

I won't read the article either because it is toxic. I am happy to say that I live my life to ensure health and happiness and I cut toxic, envious people out of my life like a surgeon. I have felt hated for being fat, thin, attractive, and comfortable. I am lucky but I also made choices to ensure my stability and have been hated and gossiped about for my success.

I don't understand people and their envy and their bitterness. Live and let live and be happy for each other. I would never stay fat to fit in. I won't fit in no matter what I do, never have- and I don't care. I will stand up for the underdog, do unto others as I wish they would do unto me and try to make someone's day a little brighter if I can. But I also stopped taking crap from people a long time ago.

I have lost "friends" after losing weight. They were not friends at all and though their comments were meant to sting, I knew they were suffering from ugliness, inside and out.

Misery loves company.

JASMINEMARS Posts: 133
8/23/13 12:49 P

Thank you for your message, AZULVIOLETA6. This paranoia about being envied is something that I have recently realized about myself and I am trying to get to the bottom of it. Resolve it in my head so I can move on with my life. I have put on a lot of weight in the past few years, and I have also been dressing very sloppily for work. I am in the worst shape of my life. After repeated dieting failures, I started asking myself WHY I am having such a hard time taking care of myself. I must WANT to be fat and ugly. Why on earth would I want to be that way, though?? This issue has been perplexing me lately. Of course, no one really wants to be fat and ugly. But I am making myself that way. Why?
Then I looked back and noticed patterns in my life where I have been sabotaged by others, and downright harmed (though not physically) because they wanted what I had. They were envious of me. I had a prestigious job as a musician and a person who wanted that particular position (who had little talent) succeeded in ousting me once management above me changed. I had always thought that talent speaks for itself. My job was secure because I was the most talented (I have no illusions about my abilities). But that is not the case. I learned that life is not fair, and talent guarantees nothing. It's who you know, who likes you, etc. If you are not part of an organization, but hired as an outsider, someone in the "group" will always be put before you.
In my twenties, I was also unusually attractive. I look like a different species now. Why the drastic change? Well, beauty I have found out attracts attention, envy, and even hatred from others. It is safer for me to be frumpy and not stand out. That's what I have observed. And it scares me.
I have lots of other examples of how I have been affected by envy in my life. The trauma runs deep. I don't know if I am in the minority regarding my experiences.
I do think that a person has to be really careful to not flaunt or show what they have to the world. It makes me sad, but I think that is the way of the world.

AZULVIOLETA6 SparkPoints: (60,416)
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8/23/13 12:37 P

No, that would be ridiculous.

Nobody is saying that you are psychotic Jasmine, but it seems like you are fixated on this one issue to an unhealthy degree. It doesn't sound like psychosis, it sounds like paranoia...more paranoia than is useful if you want to live a happy, productive life.

Is this something that you have always worried about or is it a relatively new concern?

JASMINEMARS Posts: 133
8/23/13 12:10 P

What you say is sensible, and those are thoughts shared by many. But I disagree.

I think an especially attractive, thin woman has a very hard time with some aspects of life. I also think rich, successful people also have a hard time. Why? Because people envy them, and therefore hate them, and this hatred is turned toward the person.

Like I said before, not a lot of people will admit to envying others. Envy is a secret emotion. It is difficult to talk about it, and it is difficult to admit it.

Rich people may drive crappy cars for practical purposes. But also I believe one reason is to deflect attention away from themselves, and to detract envy away from themselves.

No one likes someone who is perfect and seemingly has it all.

Envy is all around is everywhere. But no one will admit it.

SUZIEQUE77 SparkPoints: (8,661)
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8/23/13 11:57 A

You gave the example of well to do people driving Hondas, so as not to attract attention to their wealth.

I am not wealthy but I could drive a much better, newer fancier car on my income than what I choose to do. Most of my peers in my area with similar income brackets drive better cars than I do. I has absolutely nothing to do with trying not to make others jealous or anything else. I just drive the car that I like that suits my purposes, and I would prefer to spend my hard earned money on something other than a car.

I cannot imagine there are very many out there who are actually worried, even subconsciously, that being thinner would cause jealousy and you would no longer "fit in" with your crowd. I'm not going to bother to read the article because people will come up with just about any idea and then collect data or information they will claim supports their idea.

The reason most people overreat is because it tastes good and it becomes a comfort to help cope with life's stresses. Sometimes, it is just terrible habits developed over time. But to subconsicously want to be overweight so others won't be jealous is a pretty far fetched idea in my opinion, although it is possible there are a few humans on earth this might actually apply to.

ONTHEPATH2 SparkPoints: (51,408)
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Posts: 2,882
8/23/13 11:48 A

No - most of my friends are thinner!

JASMINEMARS Posts: 133
8/23/13 11:47 A

I am convinced that envy is not an emotion that is reserved for those who are insecure, crazy, psychotic, unbalanced, self-conscious. I think all of us have envy inside of us. Envy is a dangerous emotion in the world. It is all around us, like an invisible virus, and very few people are willing to admit it or acknowledge it.

I am perplexed and don't know how to think about this. Is it ok to display your talents, looks, money to the world (in the form of having a fancy house if it makes you happy, playing music for the public, and letting your beauty shine by keeping yourself well groomed and clothed)?? What is the danger in this? Is there any? Why does Warren Buffet live in a $200,000 house? So people won't hate him?

So on one hand, the beauty industry is enormous. People everywhere try to be more attractive. People everywhere try to become more successful. And on the other hand, if we do achieve or have beauty, wealth, career success, etc., we are in a dangerous position where people become envious of us, hate us, and try to tear us down?

How can a person feel "safe" rising to their highest potential? If you rise to the top, is that a desirable place to be? Can one be at the top and still protect themselves from the pain and danger of being "hated"? The old adage, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" has truth to it.


OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (61,552)
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Posts: 4,472
8/23/13 11:41 A

from the OP - maybe millionaires are holding on to more of their $ because they drive an every day vehicle. Did you ever read 'The Millionaire Next Door'? Trust me, you have a better shot at 'getting rich' by living within (or below) your means. It's more common for folks living the flashy lifestyle to only have wealth on paper.

off topic, I know. But that part of the OP just caught my eye

BUNNYKICKS Posts: 2,310
8/23/13 11:19 A

Ok so this is what #7 of that article says:

"7. Weight
It doesnít matter how much you weigh, you are skinnier than someone else. The thinner you are, the easier you are to dismiss. Itís not because you are so small that they canít see you, itís because they are ignoring you. The heavier woman is prone to think that the thinner woman just doesnít know what it is like. She is less likely to be vulnerable with you, fearing your judgment of her. She is less likely to invite you to the pool with her family, because she doesnít want her husband to see you in a swimsuit, sorry. Donít want to gain weight to fit in? Wear baggier clothing."

This is not my experience at all. In fact, this is pretty much the opposite. I'd say I felt much more "dismissed and ignored" (by both women and men of any size) when I was larger. I certainly did not experience anything like "easier friendships with heavier women because I 'fit in' with that physical shape." At times, though, I sure did feel invisible.

I found that whole article rather perplexing. I do agree that many of the things on that "top ten list" are indeed things that can make other women feel uncomfortable but I certainly would NOT take from this any notion that one should go out of their way to mask their beauty, intelligence, confidence and personality just to make insecure people feel less bad about themselves.

JHAACK39 SparkPoints: (12,157)
Fitness Minutes: (8,304)
Posts: 262
8/23/13 11:12 A

I kept weight on because I wanted attention. We all have a "look at me" aspect to ourselves in some way.

Actually, I don't think that was the cause, but it was an outgrowth of my poor eating/exercise habits.

I was the "food guy". I could pack it away. Amaze my friends and neighbors at how quickly I could chug a beer, how much pizza I could eat. It was a "thing" for me and about me.

I was the guy who won the pancake eating contest at the Cub Scout breakfast fundraiser.

I made it feel like it was part of my identity. It was something I actually feared losing when I began my weightloss journey. Fortunately, now I'm the guy who lost a hundred pounds. When that wears off, maybe I'll be the 'triathlon' guy if I keep doing them.

Edited by: JHAACK39 at: 8/23/2013 (11:13)
AMANDANCES Posts: 1,983
8/23/13 11:12 A

Wow, that's a REALLY horrible article! I completely agree with one of the comments:

"This is so disgusting. Instead of advising the ones who impart toxic and unnecessary hatred, you feign to advise women with admirable qualities to hide them. "

Toxic people with a lot of self-loathing are going to hate ANYBODY who doesn't exhibit the same kind of self-loathing. We should NEVER lower our standards so far that we end up becoming toxic people ourselves -- and that is EXACTLY what this article suggests we do.

Look, I get it. I do. I've been on the receiving end of some very nasty and hostile attitudes from my acquaintances (I won't call them friends) who basically thought I was losing weight to spite THEM. Those kind of people carry around their own kind of crazy. If it's not weight, it will be something else. THEIR kind of crazy doesn't go away when you wear baggy sweaters, flats, and no makeup.

Ultimately it's up to you -- do you want to spend your life being happy, or do you want to hide your body, your intelligence, your opinions, and your charm, and sit around hating on women who are obviously happy with their lives?

KJFITNESSDUDE Posts: 15,787
8/23/13 11:07 A

Personally no but two of my co-workers have talked about this last year when one of the more popular women in the group said that skinny people suck. It was meant to be funny but I think the two "skinny" women took offense. It's silly, in my opinion, to keep weight on to fit in.

JASMINEMARS Posts: 133
8/23/13 10:58 A

I think this is definitely a lot more common of a problem than people will admit. This a very hard thing to admit that you do. Many people don't even realize they do it.

SUNSHINE99999 Posts: 6,935
8/23/13 10:51 A

no

MYUTMOST4HIM Posts: 11,447
8/23/13 10:49 A

I don't keep weight on to fit in

JASMINEMARS Posts: 133
8/23/13 10:46 A

Hi,
I wonder what you all think of this article particularly #7 which has to do with weight:
www.divinecaroline.com/life-etc/friends-fa
mily/top-ten-things-make-woman-threate
ning-other-women


Do you think it is very common to keep weight on in order to "fit in" and deflect envy from others? Do a lot of people do this, even if it is subconscious??

Lots of mega-millionaires drive Hondas to not attract attention to their wealth. Do women regularly sabotage their weight loss efforts because they fear being attractive and making others jealous of them??

This question is disturbing me. I am trying to get to the bottom of this, and find out if there is a way to be beautiful and successful in the world and not attract envy or hatred from others.

Thank you,
jasmine

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