I have been exactly where you are for decades. I'm not now, so I'm proof it can change. I know it's the hardest thing to put distance between you and your feelings when they're happening to you now, but I'm asking you to put a gap in between your depression/sadness/self sabotage and your response to it. These things LIE TO YOU and they've been lying to you for TOO long. You're on the right track being here at Spark and the depression tends to hang on even harder when you start seeking ways around it. The neural pathways of the brain are like grassy roads. You've walked over and over the depression/self-sabotage road for so long that it's well worn and well known & when you get the least bit stressed, there you are walking down it again. It's not joyful, but it's familiar, so it feels like YOU even though it feels bad. But there's another path in your brain: a path of joy, peace, goal setting, laughing, gratitude. The first few times you walk it will feel like someone else's path & you'll want to go back your old way. But don't. When the urge to cave hits me, I say out loud: STOP. You're lying to me. I don't HAVE to be miserable. Focus on one step at a time if you have to but begin to walk a path of gratitude. Name the things you're thankful for every morning & night (there's a message board for that right here on Spark). Try to find the humor in your situation every chance you get. People take themselves SO too seriously. Somewhere, God must smile sometimes about how much unnecessary pain we put ourselves through. Find friends who support you in your desire to change, if not nearby you, then here at Spark. Add me. I'll help. Right now you're going to have to learn to live in this MOMENT & to deal with only the tasks & challenges that are in the here and now, minute by minute, hour by hour. Eventually those minutes and hours will add up to a different and happier life. I promise.