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LOVEXAVIE
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5/11/13 10:40 A

So happy for you! I detect a hopefulness that wasn't as evident before.
I wish you and your hubby well as you navigate being married couple.



SLIMMERKIWI
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5/11/13 5:35 A

I am sooo glad that you have had a talk with him. Often, communicating how we are feeling and why, can help to keep things on an even keel. He has obviously taken on board your feelings, so maybe there is a lot of hope for your marriage yet, AND the fact that he is prepared to going to couples therapy is wonderful, too :-)

The break away sounds like a good idea :-D

Kris



STOLENHEART-
Posts: 250
5/11/13 5:07 A

Thank you again for all the advice. I discussed with my husband last night about therapy and how I feel like he emotionally abuses me and he told me that he never knew I felt that way. He's interested in going to couple therapy or a couples retreat away so that we can spend time together and get it all out. I feel like this time it's really hit him how I feel. He also told me that he regrets the things he did and how I was treated during the wedding and from his family. The reason why he got mad at me when I mentioned the wedding was because he felt guilty and frustrated. We agreed to going away and having our dream wedding someday, and he promised to make it up to me. I agree that I have been using the wedding as a way to hide certain things and I realize that now. We live with my parents, we've lived with them for about two years before we got married and now as well. I sometimes feel like the privacy and alone time is what makes me feel unloved and depression. He spends a lot of time with my sister and now he's gone to school during the day and then working nights. It feels like I have to "schedule" time, with him. But we've decided to take a vacation soon and to spend time with each other I've applied for some jobs and went to some interviews. He doesn't like me working since he earns a lot, but I want to work and I hate depending on him so I explained that to him and he agreed that it's up to me. Things are really changing and I do really love him more than anything. Divorce has never been a thought in my mind I know that we can work it out.

All your advice has really helped me realize a lot of things and I hope that therapy will really help me. I struggle with negative talk against me and I've always never known how to overcome it or ignore it.



LOVE4KITTIES
Posts: 1,885
5/9/13 2:23 P

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Stolenheart, I've read what you wrote here on this thread and I've read some of your blogs. What I've read has made me so very sad. You have had a lifetime of emotional abuse from others (your family, your husband, your husband's family). No one should be treating you the way you've been treated. No one should ever be treated the way people have been treating you.

I very much agree with what others have written here about seeking some therapy. A good counselor would be really helpful, I think, in helping you to come up with some strategies/a plan for dealing with all of this and also for helping you to see that you are a beautiful person who deserves to be treated well in life and who does not have to put up with being emotionally abused.

So far as your wedding not being your perfect day or the happiest day of your life, what someone else said is true. A wedding is a single day in your life. It's not really that important in the overall picture of things and too many women put way too much significance on "the day." The marriage and having/being able to have a good relationship and a good life with your spouse is what is truly important. Having said that I will say that your wedding day is significant, not because it wasn't your perfect day that you'd always dreamed about, but, rather, it is significant in that it was a day where you were treated abusively by others. But, it wasn't the first day and it wasn't the last day this ever happened to you... The emotional abuse in your life started before your wedding day, when you were a child, and it continues to this day.

I think that, aside from therapy, the best thing that you could do for yourself is to find a job and start working towards financial independence. This means that you'd be able to pay for your living expenses and not need to rely on anyone else (including your family or your husband). I say this because I think that you may need to leave your marriage if your husband continues to treat you in an emotionally abusive manner and because I feel that relying on your family if and when that day comes isn't going to be the best plan because they also abuse you in a similar fashion. So, I think that you need to be able to take care of yourself and getting a job and getting into therapy will really help you towards this.

Take care yourself, sweetie, and do what you need to do so that you can have a happy future. You are a beautiful person and you deserve to be happy and to be treated well. But, you are going to have to take some steps in your life to make this happen. It's not going to happen spontaneously because the people in your life who have been treating you poorly are unlikely to change. They won't change if you lose weight, either, because your weight isn't the problem--again, you and your weight are not the problem(s) here. The problem(s) are the people in your life who are treating your poorly. They will almost certainly continue to treat you poorly even when you do lose weight, but they will find other things to torment you about.

So, please do consider getting into therapy and I'd really recommend that you start looking for a job.

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Edited by: LOVE4KITTIES at: 5/9/2013 (14:32)

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LADYSTARWIND
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5/9/13 12:16 P

I totally agree with ARCHIMEDESII....if this works out, you can celebrate your wedding the way you want later!

For perspective: the flip side is that so, so many women have-- the perfect, the dream, the absolute best, the most expensive-- wedding.....only to have a terrible marriage. How do you suppose they feel about Their Dream Wedding at that point? Is it a Happy Treasured Memory for them anymore??

With time, you will find your own perspective. That is part of the fabric of our lives..... In the meantime, take the steps you need to!
patti



BEANBYDESIGN
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5/9/13 11:53 A

Stolen, I think you're using the wedding as a way to avoid thinking about/dealing with the underlying problems in your relationship. I was married almost a year ago myself, and frankly, lots of things went wrong that day (florist screwed up, it rained so the outdoor ceremony I'd literally been having dreams about couldn't be done, I put my husband's ring on the incorrect hand during the ceremony, my father-in-law was drunk by 10 am when our ceremony didn't start until 12, the list goes on), and I don't look back on that day with anything other than happiness and a touch of amusement at the things that were "ruined", because it's the day my marriage started, and that's truly the only important thing that happened that day.

I'm not saying you should be all puppies and rainbows regardless of the things that happened on your wedding day, but I DO think that if your marriage was in a good place, the actual wedding day wouldn't be something you'd even think about much, let alone fixate upon (I also think that many of the things you cited as having "ruined" your wedding are actually red flags for much larger problems, which may be why you find them so upsetting). It seems like you're telling yourself that things would be perfect "if only the wedding had been right," but the wedding, frankly, is irrelevant to the condition of your relationship. Work on yourself, work on your relationship (if your husband is willing - if he's not, focus on yourself and to heck with him), and just let the rest of this go. The important things are how you treat yourself and how your husband treats you (and how you treat him, of course, although it sounds to me like you're a good wife and how he treats you is the real problem here) - everything else is just details.



ARCHIMEDESII
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5/9/13 9:35 A

Hi, Stolen ! I'm so very glad to see that you're feeling better and taking the step necessary to help yourself.

It stinks not having the wedding of your dreams, but if you and your husband decide to work things out, there is asbolutely no reason you can't have another wedding later. Maybe in 2-3 years or whenever you're ready, you make arrangements to have a wedding that YOU really want.

Hate to say this, but lots of women had weddings they want to do over. And many do just that. They have another wedding.

It's just something to conside for later.



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LADYSTARWIND
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5/9/13 1:06 A

I was glad to read that you...realize you cannot continue to stress out about the wedding itself.... Remember, that was only an event--not a life! It is a big step to put that behind you...difficult I know, but important. And, as others have said, you have many more truly important things to focus on...
.
your marriage....with a commitment to speak with a therapist for yourself--and husband if he can/will come--you are taking another big step. Have you been able to ask him if HE is happy in your marriage?? Perhaps he is in as much depression, confusion and pain as you are. For most men, that is Very Hard To Admit to....especially if they are of a controlling nature....

your dad..... I don't know where he is in the disease progression, but it might be good for you to look into a Support Group to help you deal with this. They are usually available for free from your local hospital. I don't recall from your posts if you live near each other. Distance makes it harder for you to feel like you are connecting and sharing the precious time together as he deals with it too.

yourself..... by all means, continue to take steps each day that help take care of YOU! If that means a walk, a job, healthy eating, volunteering, do it!! For it is in that that you will find your strength to deal with all else.....

Please know you are being thought of by all who've read this thread. Keep us posted, ok?



STOLENHEART-
Posts: 250
5/8/13 9:40 P

Thank you all for your replies to my post it really helped me out and realize that it's not my fault and more of his. I've been looking at therapy for awhile and I'm thinking of going. It will really help me get it all out and as for him, I do plan on talking it out again and making him understand how I feel. I've been looking for jobs and starting to go out for walks to enjoy time to myself and to get away at times.

It was a cultural thing the wedding, I wanted to hold off on it because I knew that him and I had things to work on but it ended up being his parents and mine really wanting us to. I did want to marry him but I just thought I wasn't ready. Everything I thought would happen did. The wedding I didn't get to decide on anything due to us going to a third world country and my dad putting his niece first. It's always been like that and I do believe some things could have changed if he spoke up. I tried my best to speak up and get my way but with him not doing his part due to my niece being his sisters daughter he put that part of the family first. Our first night being married I feel like he could have put more effort and it makes me mad that he didn't realize that. But I now realize that I can't continue to stress out about the wedding and all that happened. Its almost coming to a year and now I realize that I can't change it at all. It just saddens me to think that my wedding day was supposed to be the happiest but each time I think about it I get depressed and hurt.



BETHS60
Posts: 547
5/7/13 4:43 P

I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

Here are some things you need to know.
1. You are NOT disgusting. Lots of overweight people have excellent sex lives. Don't let people make you feel like you are not okay.
2. There are a lot of things here that you absolutely cannot change. You cannot change your wedding day. You cannot change your husband's behavior. You cannot change whether or not he loves you.
3. There are some things that you can change. You can change what you eat and how much you exercise, but it is pretty clear that even if you were slender, you would still be in an unhappy situation. Several other people have posted suggestions on what you can do to make your situation better.

One thing I would like to suggest is getting out of the house. If you can work, I think that getting a job would help. If you aren't able to work, try volunteering. Finding something meaningful to do would help you feel better. Keep in close contact with your friends and family. Make new connections with people. You are going to need all the support you can get.





LOVEXAVIE
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5/7/13 4:25 P

STOLENHEART,

I am so sorry you are miserable. Please do not despair! I recall reading your posts before you got married (I remembered your gorgeous picture!). If I remember correctly, his family has always been an issue. Your weight was also somewhat of an issue but mainly to you. So my question would be, why did you two marry?

Perhaps sit down w/ him and have this discussion. I think it's come to that, especially as you two being newlyweds seem very distanced from one another - both literally and figuratively.

Something drew you two to one another, despite the familial and weight issues - to get married in the first place. What was it and perhaps you both need to refocus on that.

I only know what you posted, but on the surface, he seems to be looking for a reason not to be at home (of course, he could just be extremely hard working and ambitious and working to build a future for you two).
However, comments like he has made don't tend to fare well for a relationship's longevity. One can be honest w/ their spouse but in a much more conducive and considerate way. And being a woman, I get that the last thing you'd want is to be vulnerable to someone who has said such things to you.

Marriage always has it's challenges, but I know this is not what you were thinking of when you envisioned your life together. Add your Dad's situation and no wonder you're stressed. Ugh!

You are very young (I have a feeling he is, too). You have many years ahead of you. You two need to decide if you are going to make this marriage work - it takes two - or if not, end it as amicably as possible.

Your dad's a grown-up. I don't think you should let so much ride on having this reception to "make him feel loved." I get that you want to have this nice party, but people feel loved for reason's other (and deeper) than that. Don't add to your pressure. If they bug you about the party, tell them you two are assessing and will inform them as soon as you decide. Could there be a cultural reason why you feel the need to have this second reception asap or is it because of your dad? Either way, I would try to table that for now. You got enough on your plate and besides, you will feel sillier having a reception and THEN splitting up!

I am just taking a guess here, but I suspect you are most disappointed in the fact that you are starting to think maybe marrying this guy or marrying anyone at this young age was not the best idea (no disrespect meant to those who do successfully marry young - but it can be tougher before two people have grown & matured more).
If that's the case, please don't be so hard on yourself!! Even if that's the case, what's the worst that could happen? You get a divorce and move on. Scads of people have the same realization and yes, it's sad but it's worse to live out your whole life miserable and frankly, it w/ be easier to do a clean break before you have kids.

Also, I will offer you this: so much fantasy is expected of the first year of wedded bliss. What people don't speak more freely about is the HUGE period of adjustment that both people make - trying to blend two lives is not a simple nor easy task! I've even heard that sometimes the first year of marriage can indeed be the hardest! Maybe that's what's happening here. Only you two can make that determination.

Please, please don't hate yourself. Why on earth would you hate yourself? You didn't murder anyone...at worst, you may have picked the wrong guy. That's not hate-worthy.

So: talk to your hubby. Decide to work to improve things or maybe...not. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Eat right. Get outside for a walk. The more you tend to yourself, the better you will feel.
Lastly, you need to start developing a backbone. No one should have no say in their wedding planning (well, IMO, anyway - I know parts of the world do things differently). You will need to start fine tuning a gracious, loving way to handle the in-laws. Trust me: this will serve you well during your lifetime.

Big hugs to you!!
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COANNIE
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5/7/13 2:04 P

Some of the things you said rang large alarm bells in my head- about how you love your husband so much, but he refuses sex and says mean things to you about your weight, but then buys you things and says he loves you. And that he sat at your wedding ignoring you to the point of not even speaking your language and got drunk. Sounds like a control freak that has abusive tendencies.

He breaks you down, then gives you presents to keep you thinking he cares. You become dependent on his approval and it constantly degrades your self esteem.

His family sounds like a nightmare.

A reception is not going to fix this. You both need help. Therapy is a great thing, unfortunately, sometimes the one who really needs it won't go. So you go yourself. Or you leave now, go home to be with your parents and tell him you won't come back until he changes his ways and goes to therapy.

He's also probably very tired from school and work, and when you are so sad and depressed, that is a combination sure to cause a problem.





VIRGOGURL4
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5/7/13 1:54 P

I don't see any redeeming qualities in this guy. I mean, the marriage just started and he's already showing emotionally abusive tendencies. I just hope you don't have any kids with him until you both go to some sort of therapy.

Or even better, leave before it gets worse. 99.9% of people don't change for the better. And you're still young with decades ahead to find someone who deserves you.



BEANBYDESIGN
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5/7/13 11:51 A

Your husband is treating you terribly, and it's no surprise you're feeling depressed and alone. I know you love him - believe me, I understand what it's like to love someone even when they're being awful - but someone who loves and cares about you wouldn't make his love and affection contingent on how much you weigh. That's just not what love looks like. Seek out a good therapist to help you work on your feelings of depression and your clear self-esteem issues.

Also, it's not clear from your post whether you have a job or not, but finding employment outside the home (if you don't already work) could help with the loneliness, since you'd be able to go out and be a part of the world, have conversations with co-workers, etc. during the day. It would also be good for you to start building up your own financial nest egg, in the event that your experiences in therapy lead you to conclude that a divorce would be the best course of action (and I agree with Archimedes that it looks like you might be headed there).



ARCHIMEDESII
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5/7/13 5:13 A

STOLENHEART-,

I know you love your husband, but he hasn't been acting like a good husband. Someone who loves you wouldn't withhold sex until you've lost weight. That's just plain cruel and not behavior I'd expect from a loving husband. You can't and shouldn't blame yourself because of his emotionally abusive actions. And he is been emotionally abusive. Everyone in his family seems intent on changing you into something they want. That's no good.

You're a unique person. You shouldn't change to please them because quite frankly these people sound like people who can't be pleased.

You might suggest therapy for the both of you. However, I have a feeling your husband and his family may say you're the one who needs therapy since you don't seem to be able to do what they ask. Don't let them badger you like that ! It really is emotionally abusive behavior. If your husband won't go to couples therapy, then you should consider it for yourself. a good therapist can help you work through a lot of emotional issues that are being inflicted on you by your in laws. A good therapist can help you restore your self esteem and your self worth.

From what you've described, you're not going to be happy with this man. If he doesn't make you miserable, his family will. You have to do what's best for you and that might mean considering a divorce. No woman should have to put up with things you've put up with these last few months.

Loving marriages aren't like this. Good men don't treat their wives this way. You deserve a loving, happy relationship and this guy isn't going to give it to you. There's always going to be something to criticize and like I said, that's no good.

You have to start taking care of yourself and yes, that might mean a divorce.

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Edited by: ARCHIMEDESII at: 5/7/2013 (12:18)


SLIMMERKIWI
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5/7/13 3:19 A

My Sweet, I really feel for you. I can't imagine getting married and not being allowed input - I can understand a parent, to a degree, but not a cousin. Is there a cultural issue here? Also, you mention your husband and his friends talking in a language you don't understand. That would be very hurtful being shut out like that, too! I wonder how your husband would react if you suggested Couples Therapy. It really sounds like you could both do with some. He obviously doesn't understand that you have needs too, and I am not just referring to sexual needs. Also, it is a bit cruel, emotionally abusive and unwise to suggest that you ask for pills to help you get skinny. I wonder why he even wanted to marry you if your weight was a turn-off for him???? Be assured that the problem is with him - not with you, apart from the fact you have weight issues, and PCOS and other conditions can contribute significantly toward it. With him working all night and at school all day, it gives very little time for you both because he has to sleep some time.

I really feel for you re your father's health, too. It really seems never-ending. Is he aware that you weren't allowed to have the input at your wedding? Sit down with him and talk with him - let him know that you are sad that it turned out like that and it wasn't what you wanted. Your own health, having recently been diagnosed with PCOS, would be worrisome for you too. It can make losing weight harder, and also compounds Depression.

I strongly suggest that you make an appointment with your Dr and discuss all that has been happening. If you don't have a Therapist, please ask for one. They will be able to give you the tools to help deal with the emotional issues, and also help you on this healthy lifestyle journey.

It may also be that you consider the future with your marriage - whether to continue with it. Whatever you decide with that, your Therapist will be able to help and support you there, too.

Just remember, there are many people who DO care about you - WE care!
BIG hugs,
Kris xxx





STOLENHEART-
Posts: 250
5/7/13 2:39 A

The last nine months have been very hard. It's the first couple of months since I got married. My wedding was not what I dreamed of and it haunts me daily. I love my husband more than anything but I feel like he doesn't understand me or how I feel. He works from 9pm - 7am and then has started going to school from 8am-3pm. I'm done school so I have all this free time and lately I feel like I can't stop thinking about my wedding day and certain things and before I go to sleep I cry it all out. My wedding was a disaster due to my cousin planning it and not letting me choose anything, my in laws criticizing and not liking my family, and my in laws tearing down my self esteem by making me feel not good enough because I was overweight. My husband and I never have sex. He says I'm fat and that until I lose weight we won't. Whenever he touches me I feel disgusting and tell him to stop. He doesn't understand how it feels when he told me that. I recently found out that I have PCOs and he's constantly telling me to ask the doctor for pills so I can be skinny and lose the weight. On our first night being married he decided that spending time with his brother's friends and getting drunk was more important than me. I sat there with them at dinner listening to them speak in another language that I didn't understand and get drunk. Recently my dad has also become sick. We had a liver cancer scare and he's got some treatment and getting better. But they are planning on having a liver transplant prepared. I'm stressed out about my dad being sick and had seeing him go through this. He's given up on life and barely talks to me due to what happened at the wedding. I hate seeing him like this.

My parents one wish was for us to have a wedding reception here with family.I wanted a second chance to have the dream reception I wanted since the wedding was not as I wanted it. It's been nine months since we got married and my husband knows I want to have a wedding reception. He's told me to plan it and each time it doesn't go through due to him being concerned about if we can afford it. I agree that financially right now it may be a struggle. But my parents have done so much for us, they paid for our wedding and they don't want us to repay them. I've given up on the wedding reception and once again it's another issue that when it's brought up starts a fight between us. I want to bring back my dad being happy. I know that if we have this wedding reception it will show him how much people love him and it's his one wish. I've given up and left it to my husband to plan he knows what I want, and all I can do right now it wait till he says yes to go through with things. My parents are constantly asking about when we're planning it and to at least invite less people so we can afford it.

All this has made this year miserable. I've shed so many tears and bottled so much up that it's so overwhelming. I sometimes feel so lifeless. At 23, being married and all these responsibilites of being a daughter and wife. I just feel so alone and don't know what to do. We were supposed to go on our honeymoon/celebrate our one year of marriage but my husband ended up going to school and won't get a break till the end of this year. Each night I feel so unloved and like I'm not important. I really do love him more than anything and he buys me all these things and truly does treat me well. But without him here at times I feel so alone and like he won't listen to me when I tell him how I feel. He either ignores it or he gets mad at me. I don't know what to do anymore and sometimes I do get these thoughts of just wanting to die. It hurts me that I couldn't have the wedding or reception of my dreams and I feel like maybe I didn't deserve it and that's why it didn't happen the way I want it. Each day I regret it and it's hard to move on. I don't know what to do. My marriage has been a disaster, and I hate myself.


Sorry for the long post I didn't know how to shorten it down.

Edited by: STOLENHEART- at: 5/7/2013 (02:48)


 
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