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MARYELA Posts: 614
11/9/13 11:46 A

been there done that never again awkward situation..

FAITHP44 Posts: 8,316
11/9/13 10:25 A

ANELAKANOA I googled your Spark name and you're rather easy to find - and, unless someone else has your same Spark name, your real name shows up with it.

What Love4kitties says is so right about being careful what you put online. If it can possibly be traced back to you don't write anything you don't want others to read. Think about it. If you were thinking about employing somebody and found your spark posts about your current job, would you employ you? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense but I'm sure you know what I mean.

This isn't said to get at you but to protect you. Others have got into trouble and lost jobs for things they've put on Facebook and other social networking sites. Nobody wants you to be the next casualty.

TINA8605 SparkPoints: (99,668)
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11/8/13 1:19 P

I so agree with love4kitties. I have learned the hard way about putting yourself out there for your fellow employees to see. You just give them more ammunition to throw back at you when you need a friend. Sorry girl, but you don't really have friends at the work place. Everyone is out there for number one....their selves. And you should be doing the same. Be out there for yourself. Now what does that mean? That means removing yourself from any drama that any one may have started. If it means you're in too deep, put on your big girl panties and get out!!! It seems you are repeating a patterns here but looking for different results. This may not be the place you should remain not matter who you know there. Be a grown up and get a different job. Learn from this mistake. You sound young. But that works in your favor! Learn from your mistakes and keep it moving. You can do this. You can do this.

LOVE4KITTIES Posts: 4,690
11/8/13 10:54 A

Yes, it is a bad situation. You need to get a new job and start fresh there.

These are my feelings about work and what I personally do (and, BTW, I do enjoy work): Keep your personal life at home. When you are at work, keep socialization to a minimum. Do not socialize during work time. At lunch, be pleasant with people who talk to you, but do not share details of your personal life. If people talk to you at lunch, talk about generic stuff. It's okay to talk about stuff like the weather, vacation places that you've enjoyed (but not exactly what you did on vacation), your pet (but not obsessively), certain hobbies (e.g. quilting, knitting, gardening--always a safe topic), movies that you've been to (if they aren't racy or violent), certain TV programs that you enjoy (but don't admit it if you watch too much TV, racy stuff, violent stuff), etc. But be careful not to give too many personal details about yourself, your family or your friends. Don't get too friendly. A pleasant conversation at lunch about something like vegetable gardening is okay, but... You are there to work, not to socialize or make friends. Make friends, but not with people that you work with. Avoid seeing the people you work with socially (e.g. no need to go out with them in the evenings or on the weekend). Sometimes, you will have to go to an office Christmas party or something like that. Be very careful (extra careful) at these events to keep things professional, do not talk about personal stuff and never, ever, drink at these events. Never, ever, date or try to date anyone who you work with. Never. Ever.

So far as problems at work...If you are having difficulty with someone, first try solve the problem with that person. Don't blame or accuse when you talk to him/her. Keep calm. Think a lot before you talk to that person about how to bring up the problem, how the person might react, and about possible solutions that will work for both of you. Taking things to management should be a very rare thing (maybe just a few times in an entire lifetime) for a few reasons. First, if you are having a lot of problems at a place, the place may be toxic. It's not a place you need to be working. Get a new job as soon as possible. Second, if you are polite without being overly friendly, are a reasonable team-player, work hard, and keep things professional, people will give you fewer problems.

You've posted a few times here about your problems at work. If I remember correctly, you recently talked about being sexually harassed at work by a temp (complained to management, problems at work ensued). I believe that you have also posted that your supervisor opened your check and you complained to management and got him in trouble. He got angry and there were problems at work. You subsequently developed feelings for him. You told him about said feelings and more drama ensued at work. This is the latest post about your feelings about him and your difficulties at work. I am not trying to be mean or anything, just trying to offer advice and help when I say that this is an awful lot of stuff in just 2-3 years time and I think that you are partly responsible. I think that you may somehow be attracting problems, perhaps by being too friendly, too open, or not professional enough at work. You have certainly caused problems for yourself by telling your supervisor about your feelings for him. That should never have happened and it seems pretty clear that your supervisor is never going to let this go and that you are never going to be able to work there in peace. In other words, I do not think that this is a problem that can be solved without one of you leaving. He's not leaving. You need to get over your crush on this guy and move on both figuratively and literally. IMO, it's time for you to get a new job and just go there to work.

You also need to do a google check both of your name and your user name and you need to remove anything that connects who you actually are with your user name. People that you work with (and people at jobs you are applying to) will search you out on the internet and gain access to personal information that you may not want them to have.

Edited by: LOVE4KITTIES at: 11/8/2013 (11:09)
SHERYLDS Posts: 17,177
11/8/13 8:52 A

I can understand why you don't want to quit your job,
Your brother in law is one of the company owners.
But consider this...
When you complain to your sister or your brother-in-law, you jeopardize peoples jobs.
Is it any wonder that folks in your department keep their distance from you?

GRAPHICS2 Posts: 13,944
11/7/13 9:14 P

I don't think your supervisor hates you, I think he is protecting himself and / or his job. He is probably hoping that you would quit. On the job romances are not a good idea, unless one of you are prepared to quit.
Try to find some other interests and ignore him. He may not have wanted to encourage your interest, but he doesn't have to be mean to you.

AZULVIOLETA6 SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 3,293
11/7/13 9:06 P

Could you have a really honest conversation with your brother-in-law, confess what you did and explain that you very much need the transfer in order to fully contribute to the company?

I really like the house-or-boat analogy. Do you want to live in that house forever?

ANARIE Posts: 13,172
11/7/13 9:00 P

Oh, yeah, now that Faith mentions it, I remember that post about the temp. It's a family business of some sort, right? I seem to recall you referring to it as your brother-in-law's company-- unless you just mean that he worked there first.

I'm speculating wildly here, so take it for what it's worth. But from what you've written, either this company is a sinking ship a la Titanic, or you're feeling trapped there and it's making you act out, or maybe both.

My wisest friend once said, "When you're stranded on a desert island, you can build a house or you can build a boat." So, which do you think you should do?

What makes that so wise is that, although most people respond by immediately jumping to defend what they're doing, there's actually no judgment whatsoever in that sentence. You can build a house or build a boat, make things better where you are or get the h*** out. Both are good, noble options. If when you read that quote, you heard it as "You should build a boat," that voice was coming from you. If you really, confidently believe that staying in your job is the right thing to do, you would not be feeling any anger or exasperation toward the people telling you to leave. If the suggestion upsets you, on the other hand, that's probably because it's on target and part of you knows it.

Either way, good luck. This is a tricky situation and it won't be painless to fix it or get out of it. Only you know the real answer to the house or boat question.

JCOW84 SparkPoints: (9,041)
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Posts: 301
11/7/13 8:56 P

I definitely feel for your situation! However, you should probably stop posting information about your work situation, as if the wrong person saw these posts, you could be in trouble. For example, someone could just Google your spark name, and anywhere else you use that name will come up, possibly leading people to your FaceBook site, which could show your place of employment, etc. From there it might not be too hard to find out who your supervisor is, who has been slammed around a bit on this forum.

Anyway, not trying to be a jerk, just trying to advise you to use caution online.

JANIEWWJD SparkPoints: (531,016)
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Posts: 14,703
11/7/13 8:28 P

I think you need to find somebody else.

ANELAKANOA Posts: 4,221
11/7/13 7:58 P

Yes my work situation is somewhat chaotic. To answer someone's question he is divorced. He has a daughter in college and has been divorced for 10 years.

AZULVIOLETA6 SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 3,293
11/7/13 3:00 P

I'm sorry, but there is no way that spreading around personal gossip like this is professional. Boss did it to make himself feel good, to look powerful and to manipulate the situation in his favor. Protecting himself my ass. If he had wanted to protect himself, he would have quietly taken the issue up with HR and prevented anybody else in your office from EVER hearing about it. There was absolutely no need to mention it to anybody else and doing so was just plain mean and immature.

While you telling him your feelings was a mistake on your part and somewhat inappropriate...what he did with that was not at all acceptable.

If this man really had your best interests at heart, if he was not getting off on the situation to some degree...he would have let you transfer. This guy is NOT a good person.

FAITHP44 Posts: 8,316
11/7/13 2:41 P

You posted about this problem on 31st August. (I agreed with Bunnykicks who said it sounded familiar and I eventually found the original post.) And then you posted about sexual harassment from a temp worker a couple of weeks ago. I hope the problems you had from your co-workers at that time have eased up - otherwise your working life must be horrendous. Did you take on board any of the things people said last time? So many people giving you similar advice. I really think you need to take control of the situation and of your life and start again somewhere else, older and wiser than before.

SUZIEQUE77 SparkPoints: (9,271)
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Posts: 1,068
11/7/13 2:25 P

I agree with Sherylds who said:

"When he told people you admitted feelings for him...he might have been trying to protect himself from sexual harassment charges from you...for a guy his age it would have been easy to be accused of such behavior and at 55 he needed to protect himself."

I have seen nothing that clearly indicates this man has done anything wrong, yet many on this thread are saying he is a mean jerk playing head games with you. Telling someone you don't want to go out with them is his right and does not make him a mean jerk.

Since I don't really know what he said to "bad mouth" you I am not going to judge him; in fact I admire the fact he did not want to date someone that much younger (or you just may not be his type but that is his right). But for some reason, I still would like the answer to the he married or otherwise taken?

Sorry if this sounds hard; I do actually want to see you find happiness. This is the part where most of us agree: you need to find a different job.

MJEFFERSON23 SparkPoints: (32,691)
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11/7/13 1:13 P

I agree with OBIESMOM2 100%. Please concentrate on your own relationship, totally cross him out of your mind! JERK!

11/7/13 12:53 P

Matters of the heart are hard to control....I know.

MATTHEW0498 SparkPoints: (32,853)
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11/7/13 9:45 A

Work relationships are a bad idea, please try to get that into your head before things get any worse. Why would you not want to go somewhere else after all the crap you have been putting up with? It sounds like he is playing head games with you, which isn't cool at all. At 55, I would think he would know better. You deserve better than what you have gotten so far, try to allow yourself more and either look for another job or ask for a transfer again.

SHERYLDS Posts: 17,177
11/7/13 9:42 A

I apologize in advance if I isn't intentional...but you need to see another side of the coin.

You ARE young enough to be his daughter. You were wrong about thinking he had feelings for you. Since he told you nothing could happen because you are too young for him, I would assume whatever happened outside of work was NOT a real date. When he told people you admitted feelings for him...he might have been trying to protect himself from sexual harassment charges from you...for a guy his age it would have been easy to be accused of such behavior and at 55 he needed to protect himself. So maybe one of the reasons he told others and became a moody boss, was to protect himself. Unfortunately, looking for romantic relationships inside work makes anyone the target of office gossip...that's why you should avoid it. Bosses snap at their subordinates, they get nosy if they see someone on the phone too often instead of doing their work, or they keep asking questions to see the status of things, that's common practice. By going to upper management for a transfer, you put him in an even worse predicament.

So your transfer got turned down...keep posting AND look for another job.
It might be best to go somewhere with a new beginning.
But please get over this fantasy...You aren't helping yourself.
Best of Luck...hope you find happiness soon.

Edited by: SHERYLDS at: 11/7/2013 (09:48)
CPRCINDYC SparkPoints: (10,043)
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Posts: 200
11/7/13 9:16 A

I agree with previous posters that you need to get out of this situation, either try to transfer again or get another job. Also, good rule of thumb: don't get your honey where you make your money!

OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (231,348)
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11/7/13 9:16 A

good point, Tina. Everybody needs to know from experience that they can make it on their own. Having that knowledge can really help if you are stuck in a bad living situation. It helps give you the courage to walk away.

JABCLUB Posts: 2,395
11/7/13 9:06 A

Been there, done that. Odds are that it will NOT turn out well for YOU! Ball out now and take care of yourself.

TINA8605 SparkPoints: (99,668)
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11/7/13 8:39 A

The best gift I ever gave my self was the 5 years I spent being date free, boyfriend free. This taught me how to be happy with myself, by myself. I learned the difference between being alone and being lonely. At first I was lonely. But I soon learned how to enjoy being alone. It was a great lesson for me. I now have a very good boyfriend. But he is a man who would never hurt me in anyway. I didn't settle for just a guy, I made that mistake in the past. Now I have a real man.
Take a break and teach your self a few lessons. Nobody deserves what you're going through. I would be looking for a new job. I doubt the hostile work environment is gonna change as long as you both work there. Be a real woman and take charge of yourself, your life!!

LEC358 SparkPoints: (11,135)
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11/7/13 8:19 A

Don't just consider transferring, start looking for a job at another company ASAP.

DMJAKES Posts: 1,634
11/7/13 8:18 A

If he's already blocked a transfer once, I think your chances of movement within this company are very slim. Since it doesn't sound like he's going anywhere, I'd say look for another job VERY quietly. Hopefully there is someone else within the organization who can be a reference for you.....and can be trusted to keep quiet about it.

From your post, it sounds to me like a classic case of wanting what you cannot have. Do you REALLY want someone who treats people the way he's treating you? He's got some growing up to do---and at his age it probably isn't ever going to happen.

Your story is a good example of what can happen when you blur the lines between your work and social life. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you're going to have to make the move to break the cycle and free yourself from what has to be a stressful situation.

JEFFGIRL Posts: 10,689
11/7/13 7:04 A

I would say this is a bad situation. Put space between you.

BLUENOSE63 SparkPoints: (108,021)
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11/7/13 6:56 A

I too agree with ANARIE -- make a concerned effort to leave. Keep looking for another job for as long as it takes!

Good luck!

11/7/13 4:32 A

I agree with ANARIE - try for the transfer again - and keep on trying.

Your approach to this man must have been a huge ego boost for him. Imagine, a much younger woman fancies him - what a stud that makes him! But he's too scared to follow through and too vain to behave gallantly - so he lets everyone else know about it, to boost his own pathetic ego. Guys of that age are often starting to have erection problems, so he might not want to risk a real relationship. But this toad has feelings for you - no doubt.

Try again for the transfer. And again, and again. Also, look for another job.

Don't let your emotions make you his bitch xxx

Edited by: WHERESMYDINNER at: 11/7/2013 (04:33)
ANARIE Posts: 13,172
11/6/13 11:02 P

Just because you got turned down once for a transfer, that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying.

You need to do that or quit. Otherwise, you're headed for a particularly ugly kind of trouble. You *will* at some point become involved in some sort of legal proceedings-- someone will accuse him of harassment and you'll be subpoenaed because it happened to you, too (and it did, whether you recognize it or not. His telling your coworkers about a personal interaction that happened outside work is totally inappropriate and creates a hostile environment), or you'll end up showing your feelings at work and get accused of harassment yourself, or your coworkers will assume you're involved with him and then any reward or incentive you get will be seen as favoritism. One of you has to go, and it's not going to be him.

LADYCJM SparkPoints: (57,456)
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11/6/13 8:55 P

This is a difficult situation to be in. I would keep trying for transfer. BT, I would use the reason for transfer as "expanding my skills and horizons" without mentioning the issues with your current supervisor.

He should not be talking about you to co workers but since he is all you can do is either ignore it or be bored and change the subject to your current BF, as in hmm wonder why he said that, BF and I are very happy.You could also bring up the point that don't the gossipers wonder what he is saying about them?

As to why you still like him? Who knows. There is something about him that appeals to you that does not have to be rational. Maybe he is safe, secure, unattainable? Only you can answer.

But in the future I strongly suggest that you keep your personal life separate from your work life. Work "friends" are rarely real friends and many have strong urges to knife others in the back.

OBIESMOM2 SparkPoints: (231,348)
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11/6/13 8:51 P

1. this 'supervisor' betrayed your confidence by telling everybody how you felt

2. he's bad mouthing you

3. he's being unkind to you (to say the least)

4. when you are in a relationship, you CAN get past your feelings.

hon, you are THIRTY. You should NEVER settle for less than what you deserve...and you are old enough to know that!

This is NOT a nice guy. He's a jerk, a bad supervisor, not trustworthy, and sounds very immature.
Why would you waste 2 seconds of your time on somebody so unworthy of you?

KLDJSURVEY SparkPoints: (106,111)
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11/6/13 8:49 P

Agree with JBALDWIN29, 100%

BUNNYKICKS Posts: 2,433
11/6/13 8:46 P

Did you post about this issue previously? This sounds so familiar....

ETHELMERZ SparkPoints: (241,928)
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11/6/13 8:30 P

You didn't mention if this guy is married or not, so are you waiting around because you think he will suddenly change his mind? If you know he won't ever change his mind, whether you like it or not, someone's gotta go from that work place. You need to be free of this obsession, talking isn't going to help, distance and maturity might. Wishing you well.

BUSYGRANNY5 SparkPoints: (516,030)
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11/6/13 8:15 P

This sounds like a situation that isn't going to clear itself up; therefore you are going to have to decide if the way you're living your life is what you want... if you're "okay" with continuing in this vicious circle, than you shall... if you decide you are worth more than your getting you will figure out a way to change it!!!! Blessings to you as you determine the steps you need to take!

WRFTAZ SparkPoints: (13,034)
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11/6/13 7:30 P

Agree with JBALDWIN29, 100%

JBALDWIN29 Posts: 5,136
11/6/13 7:27 P

You really need to try and get over it. It sounds to me like one of those situations that you want what you know you can't have. Maybe if you sit down and take a good look at the situation, make a list pros and cons, then you would be able to see this is just not a good thing. He sounds like a real low life and you need to believe you deserve better.

ANELAKANOA Posts: 4,221
11/6/13 6:56 P

Yes, I have and I'm fine when I'm in a relationship. It's when I'm single and things he does and things I hear that get me wrapped up again.

AZULVIOLETA6 SparkPoints: (0)
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Posts: 3,293
11/6/13 6:48 P

Unfortunately, my experience is that the only way to end a situation like that is to separate yourself entirely and completely from the person in question. I think you should consider continuing to try to transfer or change jobs.


Have you dated anyone else since this happened?

ANELAKANOA Posts: 4,221
11/6/13 6:01 P

I have been at my job 10 years and the last 3 years I have developed feelings for my supervisor. About 2 years ago I told him I liked him outside of work. He told me nothing could happen because I'm young enough to be his daughter. He is 55 and I am 30. I have always been attracted to and dated older guys.

Understandably I had hurt feelings because I never would have told him how I felt unless I was sure he felt the same. Anyway he came back to work and told everyone what happened. You can imagine how horrible that was for me. I eventually got over it and had my guard up more around my co-workers.

During the past couple years I have heard that he hates me, is constantly taking behind my back, being nosy, accusing me of dating other co-workers, snaps on me for no reason and is just horrible to work with. I even asked upper management for a transfer without completely disclosing the situation. After upper management talked with him since he is my direct supervisor, I didn't get approved for the transfer. He told them I was a great worker and he doesn't have a problem with me. Since he's been there over 35 years they love him!

I know you guys are all gonna think I'm crazy but why do I still like him? Why do I want him to like me so bad (not just in the dating way)?He is so mean to me half the time I feel like crying. It is obvious he doesn't like me so why am I so hung up on him? Please can someone give me some outside the box advice.

I won't quit my job and obviously a transfer isn't an option.

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