First off, thanks everyone for your replies; and no KLPEFFERS, you didn't come across as harsh, just factual. I understand that single parenthood is tough on its own, without actually having it be self inflicted. I know its impossible to achieve a consensus opinion on something like this, and I never expected to get one. But thank you all for your perspectives. You've raise valid concerns that I need to think through some more. And that is why I raised this in the first place. To get insight from people who've walked the road ahead of me.
2/9/11 6:22 P
"I've also always felt, better no father (or mother) than a household filled with strife and constant arguments, which as a single mom I can guarantee won't happen. "
There is NO WAY you can guarantee that your life and the life of your child will be free from strife! No way.
If you truly believe that, you are not ready for all the changes having children incurs....
“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” ~ Randy Pausch
"There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results." ~ Art Turock
"We have a saying in Tibet: If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good." ~ 7 Years in Tibet
Fitness Minutes: (2,801)
573 2/9/11 6:09 P
Please think about the impact this will have on your child before making this decision. Like it or not, motherhood is never "single." Your child will have a father out there somewhere and wonder what happened and why. I think you may be inviting a lot of heart ache going this way. Take it from someone who works in child welfare and sees it everyday...
I'm sorry in advance if this comes across as sounding harsh, but you state quite honestly that you live a "nomadic" lifestyle. What is the drive for you to have a child? You are independent and make your own decisions and essentially do what you want. How do you think having a child will affect that? Especially when there is NO ONE else to help you. Are you seriously thinking that living a nomadic lifestyle by choice is the right environment to raise a child in especially being a single parent? Or are you just thinking.. I want a tiny person to dress up and love and to love me back unconditionally? Because parenthood is not all rainbows and roses. Its really really hard work. Its the most difficult trying, demanding job any one person can do, even where there are two to share that job. Just because some Dr. told you to "get a move on" doesn't necissarily mean its true by the way. I was told at 25 I would never be able to have kids. I had multiple miscarriages and went through 2 years of failed invitro attempts. Then one day when I was 27 I didn't feel good and lo-and-behold I was pregnant and I now have a wonderful daughter.
That Dr. was wrong, and I had multiple dr's tell me the same thing. If its meant to be it will be when its supposed to happen.
Be sure you are where you want to be with your life before brining an innocent person into it.
Life is not the way it's supposed to be, it's the way it is. Its how we deal with it that matters.
2/9/11 2:59 P
I'm a married SAHM and raising a child is still hard. Do you have a nearby (and willing) support network who can help you out? I can handle most things by myself, but what about unexpected things? I did everything right during my pregnancy, and still had 2 weeks of bedrest (need someone to grocery shop, etc) followed by a healthy but premature baby who was on oxygen for 4 months. I don't think a daycare would take a kid on oxygen, plus I was told to keep him in semi-quarantine since a cold would have been much more serious for him as a baby.
How important is your career to you? What do you do when you need to go on a business trip, or work late? Or when your kid is too sick to go to school/daycare for a week (I'm fairly aggressive about sending my son to preschool, but I really did have to keep him out of school for a full week just for a cold - he was coughing enough to throw up). When there are 2 parents, they can trade off which one stays home with the child.
Fitness Minutes: (5,623)
60 2/9/11 12:13 A
I am a single mom as well. I am lucky in the fact that my son's father is actually trying to be a dad, but I still have 90% of the responsibility on my shoulders. It is hard to be a single mother. I work two jobs, go to school and raise my son. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I want another child when I get done with college and I plan on doing it on my own. I don't want another man in my life complicating it and taking time away from my kid(s) and I. It is a very tough road to travel and you have to consider everything before jumping into it. Your nomadic lifestyle will eventually have to be curbed. Kids aren't the greatest traveling companions. Settling down somewhere and building a life is better for the child. If you know you are ready to have a child and understand the financial, physical and emotional challenges you will face then I say go for it. Good luck with whatever you decide!
2/8/11 3:31 P
Hey, thanks for replying. Thank you so much for the single mom perspective. I can't begin to imagine what a difference it will make to my nomadic life. I have always been highly independent so, I kind of guess I'm used to deciding and doing for myself. I've also always felt, better no father (or mother) than a household filled with strife and constant arguments, which as a single mom I can guarantee won't happen.
However, I'm not thinking about this because I'm 30 and scared that I'm getting old. Maybe a few years down the line and if I were still single that would be my primary motivation, right now it's more a combination of reasons, what if I wait and then its too late.
Being a single parent is something I would never choose. It's harder on me as a single person having to be two parents and it's harder on my kids who don't have a father. I am single but that was not by choice.
I think there are so many things to consider and one is that a father is a very important part of a child's life. A father should not be underestimated or considered not important or necessary. He really is so important. A child can be raised fine and healthy without a father but seriously I think it's wrong to say it's the same thing to have a father figure and an actual father.
People might say having no father is better than having a bad father. I don't think that's a fair reason to have a child alone.
My children have had to do without and as good a job as I can do with all the support I have had (and that's a lot!) it's not the same as having another parent too.
I think it can be done well. Whether it should be done is a personal thing.
30 is not old. I get that it might start to seem like it's got to be now or never.
You also have to consider how much harder it is to find a guy to meet and love after becomming a single mother. They are hard enough to find alone. And dating takes time away from your kid(s). I know that won't be a popular statement but it's true. I have hardly dated and the pain and guilt I feel from having missed time with them is huge. As a parent you still get to have your private life but they have to come first and so a lot of times your private life suffers. TO be honest, I would not trade a moment of my time with my kids for anything so I don't regret not dating and if anything I wish I waited even longer to date.
I have more to add but I have to go for now.
I do want to mention that if it is your only option of having a baby then maybe sometimes you just have to go for it even if it's not the best situation. A loving parent can still provide a wonderful childhood for a child.
Ok, also you have to consider yourself. You can have all the support from friends and family that anyone has ever had and it won't be the same as having someone to share it with youthe way a partner can. When it comes down to the line as a single parent you are just that, single. At the hospital and appts and parent-teacher interviews, and special events and all the firsts (tooth, walking etc) you are the only parent and so the only one who feels that special feeling a parent feels, and when you have no father(husband/boyfriend/partner) there to share it with it can be hard. It can be emotionally draining and it can be painful.
Any choice is going to be hard and to actually choose to do it single will have so many added obstacles. (some people just won't get it or won't agree)
The love a child can bring is better than anything EVER and the love you will feel will be like nothing else. You just have to be careful not to romanticize everything. Tough choice! I sincerely wish you all the best in making that chioce and the best with the outcome too.
Edited by: CHRISSI_MK at: 2/8/2011 (15:37)
2/7/11 11:36 P
Hi. I just turned 30 and I've been pining for a kid of my own. I move around a lot and this hasn't been conducive to having a lasting relationship that might hopefully lead to marriage. Distance always takes a toll. Then last year just before I turned 30, I was diagnosed with fibroids and I had to have surgery. But the doctor did mention the possibility of fibroids recurring and told me to get a move on having kids if they were a priority for me. Well, they are and though I know it's not all roses and sunshine, I still want a kid. Thing is I don't want to wait in the hope of meeting someone I like and have the fibroids return or other things that might affect my ability to bear a child. So, I'm seriously considering single motherhood. I'm reading up on it a lot but I just want to hear from parents out there, especially the single ones.
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