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2/17/12 11:39 A

Too many closet "codependants" here to let this thread slide.

MAVERICK59 Posts: 6,885
2/13/12 1:38 P

In a nutshell!

Edited by: MAVERICK59 at: 2/13/2012 (13:38)
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2/13/12 11:59 A

FYI: For anyone interested:

Available on-line FOR FREE there are dozens of wonderful Al-anon speakers available to download to your IPOD.

The majority of these speakers are circuit speakers who are invited to speak (all over the World) at various AA / Alanon Conventions. The format for all AA/Anon speakers is always the same:
To share your Personal "Experience, Strength and Hope". These are just normal people like all of us, who suffered with the same condition/desease/whatever and have found the solution.

My all time favorite Al-anon speaker is Vanoy from Tx. My favorite AA speaker are too many to count but off the top of my head: Don C., Hank, Matt Mitchell., Doug Renolds., Scott Redmond.

If you suffer from alcoholism and/or codep - listen to these speakers and try to identify with the similarities (ignore your compulsion to seek out the differences. That is your disease speaking and trying to prevent you from getting well.

God grant us the Serenity ~ Ali ~

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2/13/12 11:29 A

Cross Dressing may, in fact, be an excellent tell-tale sign that he/she is CoDependent if he/she is cross-dressing for the underlying purpose to seek admiration & favor with the person he/she is obsessed with.......(LOL)

May God help me if the next person I date (.read: "take hostage") has a fetish for cross-dressing, running with the Bulls, or an impulsive desire to clime Mt. Everest. Because I am so sick sometimes that I will spend hours researching His Desires, and then pretend that I had the same exact goals all my life.

I can almost hear myself saying: "You know Honey, I have ALWAYS wanted to run with the bulls up Mt.Everest clothed in mens wear.....Aren't we just PERFECT for each other?....let me make the reservations to Nepal right now."

Obviously, I jest. But my hand to God I am totally capable of doing, whatever I think will work.

An example, in 2004 I attempted to ride a bicycle across the state of Iowa in the annual RagBri event, because that was something he and his buddies enjoyed doing every year.

At almost 200 lbs., I outfitted myself from head to toe in bicycling attire -despite having never road a bike further that a three blocks.

I made it 5 miles on day one and had to ride the team bus the rest of the week. I should add, I was the only female on "Team Morning Boner" bus.

I made a total fool & nuisance of myself that week, and on the way home, my boyfriend informed me of how humiliated he was by my behavior. I was shocked! I had only meant to be helpful to everyone on the team, I thought they liked me cleaning the bus, bringing coffee in the morning, running around topless, and behaving like a "free-spirited chick" while pretending to simulate giving oral sx to other team mates for the camera, while he was riding the 70 miles every day.

I know now looking back was, my behavior was OUTRAGEOUS!. He said he would never take me again and as I drove us home, I cried all the way from Iowa to Ohio.

Why did I cry for so long? Not because he Hurt my feelings (that might be a normal woman's response); Rather, because I thought after 4 months of dating, we were Destined to be together, and now I feared loosing him. Nothing makes a codependent more insane then feeling responsible for another persons unhappiness.

He more-or-less kept his feelings about my behavior to himself throughout the week. Unknown to me, he was having to defending my actions to his life-long buddies all week. I can see know that he was trying to tell me to relax and stop being the center of attention. But during the week, I saw what I wanted and believed that he would be the envy of all his friends when they saw that Andrew had such a fun & helpful girlfriend.

Obviously, I behaved as in a way I thought he would enjoy. My image of the trip was a week long drunken lalapalooza on wheels, and never stopped "acting" long enough to see what the trip was truly about - nor, how my behavior might reflect upon him. I had DECIDED for him that what he wanted was for his friends to admire his fun-loving girlfriend.

I am a shamed by my behavior (I was 37yrs old at the time). I am grateful that today I have the tools to avoid letting my mind become so delusional. Today, I am free.

(ps. Thank you for the topic - It has been very helpful to remember how sick I was, and how far I have come. God Bless You.)

Truly, Thank You ~ Ali ~

2/13/12 9:29 A

TY for your wonderful insight into CD & as a side note; I am totally assuming you mean CoDependency because otherwise CD is used as

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2/12/12 10:11 P

I have some experience with this topic. I won't go into details, because they are not important.
But what I will mention is that throughout my entire dating life (teen-adult) I was attracted to:
*Drug Addicts * Alcoholics *Persons that suffered from a type of mental illness.

In 2006 when HE broke up with ME and I realized that despite the two of us no longer living together, I was still obsessed with him. I lived for the phone calls where he would need a favor from me.

He never asked for any form of intimacy, he even turned me down every time I threw myself at him; but because he was/is mental ill he had no friends (except me, who at the time, saw myself as his Guardian Angel). His circle of healthy friends - tried to help him, but he is unaware of the fact that he is ill. Therefore they went about their lives and let him live in his paranoid world.

At one point a serious fight between us sent us to separate corners. I thought I could punish him by Not speaking to him. Not once did it occur to me that he enjoyed the fact that he finally could live life exactly as he wanted without my constant interference.

The total separation made me feel, anxious, panic, unbalanced, in constant pain, and totally helpless. Eventually, I could no longer live with the constant suffering. I tried to get his attention by showing up drunk at his house, and he called the police, who then took me home. I tried to end my life that night by taking a handful of OTC sleeping pills. The next morning (a friday) I work consumed with shame, humiliation, and fear.

I stayed with a girlfriend that weekend and joined Alcoholics Anonymous that Monday. I also started to see a therapist to deal with my codependency issues. It took Me THREE Years in therapy to finally wrap my mind around what it Really Means to be a Codependent.

Six years later I understand that being a CD doesn't mean I am a martyr, or a saint, or someones savior. What identifies me as a CD, is when I do an act for someone (90% of the time, and act not even requested) then I entertain thoughts & beliefs, that "I did blah blah blah and he doesn't appreciate it" OR "just wait! every stitch of clothes will be dirty, every dish in the sink, garbage piled up because I am not there to take care of it......and THEN he will know that he can't live without me!!!"

A clear and convincing sign to me that I am again getting sick on the wheel of Codependancy - is when I find myself spending a lot of time Thinking about someone else's feeling or I believe I KNOW Exactly what they are thinking.

Another trigger for me is when I notice I start doing a lot of unrequested "favors" with the hope that I will receive positive feedback. I pay close attention to when I feel resentful towards others and then I have to speak with my Sponsor so she can help me determine if my motives have an underlying selfish desire (i.e, He will like me because I am sooooo helpful).

The funny thing about us codependents, is that we can't stand to be in relationships with other codependents. Nor, for that matter would any healthy person.

Only when you can finally see the forest through the trees will you realize just How Annoying, Manipulative, Self-Centered and Selfish we are.

We "steal" another persons autonomy. We manipulate people with all our Good Intentions.
We do this so we feel purposeful, powerful, NEEDED.

It is not my intention to be cruel, but I know that when I would (seek out) reports from others close to the person I was obsessed about - I would have a feeling of Joy when I learned that his life (appeared) to be falling apart. - I would even drive by the house on garbage day, just to confirm to myself that he had forgotten to take it out. And on the occasions that he did remember, or managed to do something for himself - I would experience a sense of deflations.

I will never not be codependent, that is my blueprint - I can not change that; but I can control it, with the help of God, good Sponsorship and the fellowships of AA and Al-Anon.

*Al-Anon is a support group for codependency. It is free and they can easily be found on the web. If anyone wishes to seek relief from the crazy wheel spinning in your mind which you are CONVINCED is there because of someone else - Al-Anon will provide you with the solution to live you life happy and free.
I promise.

ps. Please feel free to contact me if I can be of any help. I wish you many blessings and serenity.

~ Ali ~

JENNIFER_67 SparkPoints: (0)
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2/10/12 8:32 P

I have to admit, it was an eye opener when I read that description KJ. It's me to a T. I always assumed it was referring to the other person, the one depending on the "do-er". But it really is my fault that I feel this need to be everything to everybody, and I never seem to be able to make myself a priority. I'm going to have to think about this one....

KATHRYN1985 SparkPoints: (6,630)
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2/9/12 4:45 P

I was in a codependent relationship for 4 years. I did everything for him when I should have been focusing on myself, my friends, family and education. He treated me very badly and I ended up getting pregnant and having my daughter from that relationship. When my daughter was 6 months old I finally realized that I was taking care of two babies and left him. Thank God! I am so much happier now and was ready to start focusing on myself, but it's difficult to do that when you have a kid. Oh well. :)

FEDGIRL4 Posts: 2,173
2/9/12 10:28 A

I was strongly co-dependent twice. Others were less obvious.

The first was when I was 21. I met someone on the train to work. He had hurt himself at his job. When he sued them, they also put him through school and paid him a stipend. I felt sorry for him, so I drove everywhere (almost) and paid for our dates. What I came to realize is that he used his stipend to pay for bars and other things I did not agree with. Once I had used up my savings, I told him I could not pay for all the dates anymore since I did have rent to pay for. Well, yes you guessed it, we did not go on many more dates. He used his work truck to go to parties to meet up with other women and he was not supposed to use his truck for that. When I broke it off with him, I was told I did not love him anymore. Years later I found out what a real scum bag he was by reading all of the public notices for his court dates. He owed lots of money, had been accused of domestic and child abuse, and the latest one was that he trespassed on someone's property. And he's in his 50's.

The other one was my hubby. He bought a business in 2000. He had to fire some employees very soon after so I started working on Saturday mornings to help him out. After he bought another one in 2001 (with a bad partner), it became more and more. By 2008, the partner was gone and the two places had been combined. It fluttered and started going down hill. He talked about closing it last year, then relented at the end of the year. I told him that since he would not sell it, he had to deal with filling the shifts with the employees he had. I have only worked once or twice to fill in for a very valued employee who had to go to the doctor and also fix his brakes.

It is tough sometimes curbing my urge to help or do things for someone. I am getting better at it though. So, KJ, you're not the only one trying to stop.

TRISSA3 SparkPoints: (9,694)
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2/9/12 9:32 A

I was in a co-dependent relationship when I was younger. As a woman I guess I felt that I had to do everything for "my man" or I wasn't "doing my job". After the relationship ended, I was confused about how real relationships were supposed to work.

2/9/12 8:11 A

Hey Rena, I think you see codependency the same as I do but we're both wrong, the label actually refers to the person DOING THE STUFF rather than the needy-bastards who accept us doing the stuff & dragging us down, LOL!

REDSHOES2011 SparkPoints: (0)
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2/8/12 9:56 P

Met these people all the time- I have a strict time plan and these people grab you and make you sit down and drink a cup of coffee despite your best efforts to say I don't have time.. They know your needs better than you and will not take no for a answer..
They are caretakers whom even start answering our clients questions and don't have patience to wait until the person themselfs find the answer..
Cut the umbilical cord or send them out of the room to get stuff ready- the owner to such a person may even sigh with relief..

2/8/12 9:43 P

I haven't taken steps to overcome my codenpendency habits but I am trying.

2/8/12 3:54 P

Well, it sounds like you've had an eye opener. Not knowing the details, I still think it couldn't have been ALL your fault.

Have you learned from it?

2/8/12 3:36 P

Me personally? yes. I think my marriage broke up, in part, because of it. I was her "whipping boy" but it wasn't her that demanded I do things, I did them for her and she got use to it and I couldn't stop. She now has to do her own laundry and has no idea how to do it; she can't use any of the tools I left behind because she's never had to use them before; we never had a dishwasher so i did all the dishes, lol, my daughters say that Mom leaves residue soap in the glasses so they always have to rinse now before they use them; and a plethora of other things. None of which are her fault, all mine.

2/8/12 3:05 P

Do you mean you're always the one taking care of the other person's needs?

2/8/12 2:45 P

I think there are more people than not on this site who in fact ARE codependent but cannot bring themselves to see it. It really IS a tough pill to swallow.

2/8/12 2:04 P

Enlightening. KJ, I read your post. I was thinking my hub. and I are codependent about eating at night - we enable each other. But I see there's more it than what I thought.

MANDIETERRIER1 Posts: 17,130
2/8/12 1:44 P

I love the book Boundaries. I read that and a light bulb came on.

POGOMOP Posts: 115
2/8/12 1:08 P

I'm totally codependant, with my job, any boyfriends, friends, family. . . *sigh* I'm struggling to figure out how I come first.

2/8/12 10:35 A

BEEBEA SparkPoints: (47,115)
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2/7/12 10:34 P

The book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is a great one for learning how to take care of other people by letting them take care of themselves. :)

2/7/12 9:43 P


2/7/12 2:38 P

not very easy to admit, eh?

2/7/12 1:47 P

from WikiPedia:
Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[1] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

I am codependent. I always did think it was mis-titled and should've been called, "I save your butt all the time" but then was horrified when I found out the real name for me always taking care of other's screw ups.

I use to think codependency was a person who couldn't function alone (or lazy) or without someone else doing crap for them like making them dinner, doing their laundry or getting them a glass of water when their legs aren't broken or breaking up with a girlfriend FOR them or some other non-sense crap like that, but alas, I am wrong.

What a MIS-NAMED behavior!!!!

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