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ROGERSBABE1 SparkPoints: (43,416)
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Posts: 5,351
6/2/11 12:09 P

We have a blended family as well. But my hubby brought no children to the marriage---I had four from a previous marriage and we had one together. He is a good step-father, but we have had problems...mainly because of the influence of my ex. There are support groups for this; a lot of the more progressive churches (and you don't necessarily have to join the church to take advantage of the counseling) will have ministries just for blended families...it really helps to be able to vent with others who are going through the same thing and not feel guilty for feeling the way you do. I had a lot of good advice over the years from those who have experienced blended families...often I felt caught in between my husand and my children, etc. Having the support of those going through the same helps. Don't throw in the towel. Anything worth having takes work, patience, and a lot of love. BTW: I also have learned to define love differently...love is action...not necessarily that warm fuzzy feeling. And you know what, trying to be a good mom for your step-child when you don't "feel" it shows a lot of love simply because it doesn't come naturally. Stay encouraged.

JUDITHWITHROW Posts: 1,119
6/2/11 11:45 A

Don't give up! Remember you are the adult and she is the child. You have skills she has not developed so the responsibility to make it work is yours.

I have 5 step children and it is not easy. I agree keep faking it until it becomes real. Is your husband the step or bio father to your son? How would you want a step mother to treat your son? Do the same.

You need to stop the step family triangle. 1 Step parent does something, 2 child runs to bio parent then 3 bio parent talks to step parent. If your step daughter runs to your husband, he needs to send her back to you or both go to you together.

My 5 kids know what ever they tell their father, he will tell me. They know what they tell me, I will tell their father. That eliminates the triangle.

The kids have learned they cannot run to dad and get a different decision when they don't like the chore, request or discipline I have given them. This is good parenting even if you only have bio children. It is just tougher with step children.

Do some fun one-on-one activities with your step daughter. Build shared experiences. Bonding takes time.

Again, don't give up! Would you leave your son if it was too tough? Of course not. You need the same attitude with your step daughter. It is worth the effort!

GLITTERINGMOM Posts: 3
6/1/11 12:08 P

I have been married for almost six years and the marriage brought two step-daughters, one here in this country and the other in his country. I one here is like a daughter to me because I knew her since she was born since her mother had been a friend to the my family for many years. The difficulties came after the parents split. Her mother got married after 4 months after the split and then I started to date my husband. We got married and we were fighting for custody of my step-daughter because she kept saying she wanted to be with us... As life would have it her mom won and that is when the problems started. My hubby is very doting to his daughter and I spoiled her terribly; however after my son was born things changed because she became very jealous and would try to harm the baby when she thought no one was watching. I now do not trust her around her brother alone. I love her and always refer too her as my daughter to show her that I do not have favor my son more than her, but I will always be careful with her. Your bonds to your child will always be stronger that is natural, however do not let them show. Treat them equally. If one does something wrong and other does the same at a later time discipline the same way do not let one get away with it and the other be punished... Oh in my case I let her dad discipline her when he is around; however when he is not I let her know of my displeasure and tell her dad of her wrong doing.

LADY.ELEA Posts: 74
6/1/11 10:57 A

I just ended a dating relationship with a dear friend and someone I loved deeply who had two children to my one. We've both known each other's children since they were born. I tried very hard to love his like a mother and just couldn't. I loved them, but as with your situation, it just was not what it should have been. There were other factors involved in ending the relationship, but the children were a part of it. He loved my daughter like a father, so it was very difficult. We knew that ending it now while the children are young is easier then trying (and ultimately failing) to make it work and having a much messier break up when the children are older.

You will always love your own child(ren) more than any others. This is a biological fact. However, some people are able to make up for it in other ways, or are not bothered by it. It bothered me too much, but it wasn't a problem for my ex, maybe he just had more love to go around. Think long and hard about how you want to proceed. Children, like money, can make or break a relationship. You need to decide if you are ready to commit the rest of your life to raising this child. Actually that decision should be made before marriage. Both children are at an age where a divorce is going to be painful. The little girl has already gone through it once before, a second time is going to be very damaging. However, children are more perceptive than we give them credit for. She knows there is an emotional disconnect. She is testing limits trying to see if you will love her no matter what. All children do this, and when they are our own it isn't so hard. You need to decide if you can love her no matter what she does. If not, well, it will only get worse as time goes on.

Fake till you make it doesn't always work. I can flap my arms all day, but I'm not going to fly. And children know the difference.

Good luck

STEFCOVA SparkPoints: (12,739)
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Posts: 95
5/31/11 7:18 P

It is not easy, that's for sure. I gained 4 teenage daughters when my husband and I got married. Talk about an adjustment! Throw in there my 7-year-old son and a surprise!-baby...talk about difficult. Four years later, it still is. My husband and I continue to have many conversations about coparenting and we still have new issues to face daily. Keep talking to him daily and try your best to treat the children equally. A perception of inequality can damage your relationship with the child and your husband. Good luck and hang in there! As hard as it can be, the rewards are there, too, I promise. emoticon

SUSIQZER Posts: 2,308
5/28/11 3:34 P

Fake it 'till you make it.

Keep doing your best, keep treating her the same way you do your biological child, and it WILL pay off.

MS2MRSBRAGG SparkPoints: (0)
Fitness Minutes: (466)
Posts: 10
5/28/11 10:31 A

I used to be in a relationship where I was a step parent. Its not an easy thing especially if the child is at an age where they are walking, talking and talking back. Is her biological mother in the picture? Does the child live with you? The reason I ask is because if she does live with her bio mom then that may be the cause for her dislike of you and your inability to connect. The only advice can give is when she is around you keep convo short, try to include her and ask her to help. When the dad is around don't back off and "let him deal with her" I mean still include her so he can see you are making an effort and maybe he can be of more help and support to the both of you. I was a step child and have step parents on both sides till this day my step mom and I don't have a good relationship, sometimes its not meant to be, but try not to harbor favoritism toward your own child if you want the relationship to work.

XXXKATERXXX SparkPoints: (2,065)
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Posts: 95
5/27/11 5:53 P

Im having a hard time being a step mom i have a son thats mine thats four and a stepchild that almost five . im trying to get the bond with her that i have for my son but it's not really working like i treat her the same biut my emotions and love for her just are not the same does anyone else have that problem she annoys me alot and my son never does but she constantly lying about me to her dad im starting to think that maybe i should walk out of the situation HELP anyone know what to do cause i sure dont

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