Eowyn. You have named yourself for a character in Lord of the Rings who battled some of the same angers you do (I don't know about in the movie: I only read the books!) She had to learn to live the life she was given (play the hand she was dealt--pick your metaphor).
Anger is helpful only to the extent that it motivates; beyond that, it can be more crippling than any autoimmune disease. It's good to meet, measure, and accept your anger. Then you have to get on with your life, don't you?
On your SP page, you tout the virtues of Photoshopping yourself. That works for images, but it doesn't work for living. There, you have to be who you are. And, really, you are asking the right questions. What DOES God want you to do with your life? Why don't you just listen and find out. God will answer; God always does. It may not be the answer we want (you may not be 'given' the life you wanted) but your life has immense value, and you are not to throw it away.
I wish you a good answer. I send you powerful thoughts--appropriate to a shield maiden like Eowyn.
I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I wish I had some real help to offer but I live in the US and would not even know where to start. I can tell you this. I have read a lot of your posts and you are a very thoughtful young woman. You offer gentle and kind support to others. The world is a better place because you are here. I can't begin to imagine your challenges, but I sense an inner strength in you. My thoughts are with you.
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21,671 12/28/11 11:43 A
I don't know if this book is available in Indonesia, but it's famous here in the US. it's called When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold Kushner. You might be able to find a copy online. He wrote it after his son died from a disease even rarer than yours, progeria.
I know how you feel. We can all get a little perterbed with life from time to time. I had one of those moments myself last year. You see, I have a brother with Autism and Epilepsy that will need constant care for the rest of his life. When my parents can no longer do it then it will fall to me. I knew in the back of my mind that I could have children with this disorder, but I risked it anyway. I've been married to my husband for 5 1/2 years now and we've battled his alcohol abuse (sober a year now) seen our 3 year old diagnosed with Austism and Cerebral Palsy, and now our 13 month old is in therapy for Autism like symptoms like his older brother and uncle. It's believed now that our oldest boy of 4 has a mild Asberger's form of autism. Was I angry at God? For awhile, yes, I was. Maybe I will never see all 3 of my boys married with children. What if they develope Epilepsy like their Uncle? So many 'What if's'. But...would I wish the autism away if I could? If there was a magic pill that could take it all away would I do it? No. I love them the way that God made them. Will they have a tough row to hoe? You bet they will, but God has also given them, and my husband and I, the strength to handle what he's planned. And when they succeed where nobody thought they could one day, wont the achievement be so much more rich and fulfilling knowing that their journey wasn't ordinary...that their journey was unique and that they overcame personal odds? Don't blame God. He put you in a situation so that you could rise above it. He wants to see you succeed, because he made you to do it. Perhaps your destined for greatness. You might now see it now, But He does. Be stong, and carry on. Keep your faith and push on!! Everything will be fine. :)
So...are you done feeling sorry for yourself or is there more venting you need to do?
And that will come off as harsh, but truthfully, it can get much worse. You can be mad all you want, but at the end of the day, being mad hasn't done anything for you except stress you out. We all need to have our own pity party now and again, so go with it. Scream, yell, cry, get violent(preferably not at someone else), do whatever it takes to get it all out. Then put on your big girl pants and think of things that will help you in your time of need, and forget about all the things that are limiting to you right now.
I couldn't go to sleep without posting this! It's just roiling around in my head and heart making me boiling mad......... at God!
Yes! He was the one who made me a woman. I've concluded that whoever God wants to punish, he make them born women! Imagine the mess we encounter every month every time we go to the loo just because we're women. Not to mention the extreme pain of childbirth itself. I certainly wouldn't mind being a man and spending about 2 minutes shaving everyday just so I can avoid the monthly mess that comes with being a woman! I can't wait for menopause! Oh wait! We STILL get the yellowish mess! Even after menopause!? God! I HATE being a woman!
And God was the one who allowed me to get SLE!!!! Such a rare disease that doctors don't even really know what really causes it and many ppl haven't even heard of! Yes, of all the ppl to get it, it has to be me! God must really HATE me! And I was born Chinese, where being a woman is EVEN MORE difficult as the Chinese love sons so much that they even drown their own daughters or even sell them! Literally! I can't tell you how many times, my brother gets away with stuff while I get punished for his misbehavior! Just because he's a precious son!
And not only do I have SLE, but after 7 years, I couldn't escape kidney failure, now I'm on dialysis treatments 3 times a week, where I spend 4 hours chained to a chair to get my blood washed just because my kidneys have packed up! God! What did I do to deserve this!?
Of all the women in the world, why did you chose me to get kidney failure and from such a rare disease that most ppl, after reading this will ask me : "What's SLE?"! (Google it, but then it's so scientific, even I can't understand even half of all the info out there!).
I spent my entire youth preparing to go to University. And when I finally did, I worked my butt off! But my GPA wasn't really prestine, I just passed, barely. Then after working for a few years, my kidneys packed up and no one would hire me again. I've tried to find another job but I could only find minimum wage jobs. No one wanted me as an IT professional again. I do know of dialysis patients who work, but no one wants to give me a chance! Believe me, I looked and applied till I was blue in the face.
I now have some financial assistance but what I get is meaner than a old aged pensioner gets. I've asked God many times, why doesn't he just take my life!? Why make life so hard for me?! My parents are getting old too, soon, I'll be worse off than a widow!
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