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Am I being overly sensitive?



 
 
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SHERYLDS
Posts: 11,546
4/27/13 5:08 P

WOW @ANARIE.....
I'm going to start calling you Sensei or Dr Phyllis emoticon





FIRECOM
SparkPoints: (107,673)
Fitness Minutes: (11,796)
Posts: 5,855
4/27/13 1:04 P

I have no siblings and that has never bothered me until later in life. I would loved to have a brother and/or sister but that has not been the case. I have adopted my wife's siblings and they are very close to me now and I love it.



GRIZ1GIRL
SparkPoints: (124,727)
Fitness Minutes: (153,367)
Posts: 2,225
4/27/13 12:41 P

As a younger sister myself, I can relate. Fact is, my sister & I aren't friends--and we aren't ever going to be friends. I love her as family, but she's not someone I'd ever want to hang out with. So I don't.

Don't worry about your sister or her opinions. If you don't like what she has to say, don't call her. Don't answer when she calls. Let the relationship ease off for a while. Just because you're related doesn't mean you have to be best buddies.



LOUNMOUN
Posts: 1,235
4/27/13 12:10 P

It sounds like you have a hard time relating to each other as adults. I had trouble with my older siblings treating me like an equal. They still viewed me as their less competent younger sister even though it wasn't true. It was apparently hard for them to shift how they treated me- more so than my parents it seemed. It got on my nerves but I learned to not let it get to me and got on with my life.

I think you should stop talking to your sister about things you don't want her advice on. You know that is her automatic response so just don't open yourself up for it. Don't set her up again. Talk about neutral things or just ask about her life more. Try to have a sense of humor about her advice giving.

If you truly want your sister to leave you alone on health topics then I think you should state directly thanks for her concern but that you have consulted your health care provider and you don't need advice. If she asks questions then be vague and say you don't want to talk about it with anyone but your doctor. If she gives you unsolicited advice then say "Hmm, I'll ask my doctor about that." and change the subject every single time.





ANARIE
Posts: 12,356
4/27/13 11:03 A

I'm the youngest in my family, too. I see what's going on with you and your sister, because I do the same things to my siblings.

Yes, she butted in. But YOU BAITED HER INTO IT. Why else did you make your account public? If anyone in the world other than your sister had pointed you to that site, you would have accepted part of the advice, gone and looked at it, and said to yourself, "Meh. I think I'll skip it," and that would have been the end of it. Instead, because it's your sister, you went to all the trouble of setting up an account and making it public. You said it yourself:

"At first I wasn't going to let anyone see it, but figured I would like to see how long it would take before my sister butted her nose in my business"

In law, this is called entrapment. In families, it's called sibling brattiness. We all do it, usually without even thinking about it. I'll bet that at least once or twice when you were kids, you said, "Mom! She read my diary!" or "She's looking at my report card!" And mom said, "Well, why did you leave it out on the coffee table where she could see it? Put your stuff away and she won't be able to snoop."

And that's the whole solution. You and your sister are adults now, so act like one and treat her like one. If you had a good friend who was just a little bit of a butt-inski, who gave people more advice than they wanted, how would you respond? You'd keep your private life private. Treat your sister like any other well-meaning but slightly annoying acquaintance. If you don't want her to snoop, don't leave your stuff out where she can see it.

And please don't take this as personal criticism. Like I said, I see what you're doing because I do it myself, all the time. Sometimes I catch myself at it, but usually it takes someone else to say, "Yeah, you brought this on yourself. You're acting exactly like you did when you were six and she was thirteen. Remember that you're both grownups now, and it will stop."



ICANTODAY
Posts: 975
4/27/13 10:39 A

"I'll give your advice the attention it merits. Thanks!"

Let her wonder what you mean by that.

emoticon



HOLLYM48
Posts: 5,015
4/27/13 8:19 A

smile and say "thanks for the advice, I will take it into consideration" and then do what you want to do and what is right for you. Duly noted is a great way to tell them that you heard them too and again do what you want to do. Older siblings just think they know everything sometimes. Doesn't mean you have to listen to them or to take their advice.



SHERYLDS
Posts: 11,546
4/27/13 8:14 A

I've had control freaks in my life...and I used to get to the point where I would wait for the other shoe to drop. and it inevitably did.
the problem is ... living like that is a self fulfilling prophecy.

There is something to be said for those who listen to the other person, smile sweetly, thank the control freak for their concern, and just do what they know they need to do, their own way.
Be happy that you have people that care about you
Recognize that you are intelligent and do the research
find what works best for you
and GO FOR IT.
best wishes for your success



BLUENOSE63
SparkPoints: (97,085)
Fitness Minutes: (74,720)
Posts: 2,905
4/27/13 8:04 A

I have an older brother who is a control freak and all or nothing type of guy -- very much like your sister. After years of placating him etc., I finally decided enough of the bullcrap and I decided to keep our relationship purely civil without any extra effort. He isn't going to change and it took me a long time to learn this. He is 55 and I am 49 and we have a brother inbetween us. By the way, the middle brother acts the same as I do now and we both have loved the decreased stress levels due to our actions.

It is was it is, you don't get to choose your siblings. My advice, move on, be civil and don't involve her in the intracacies of your life

My two cents for what it is worth.



LJO0310
Posts: 13
4/27/13 7:56 A

Thanks everyone for such great advice! I just needed to be reminded that just because I would like to "put her in her place" so to speak, it is best to be level headed about it and civil. I would really like to tell her how intrusive she can be but like some of you said, that is her and anything I say won't really change her behavior.


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JANIEWWJD
SparkPoints: (211,129)
Fitness Minutes: (190,480)
Posts: 6,656
4/26/13 11:50 P

What I usually do is smile, say thank you for your advise, and then I go right on doing what I know is right for me.



BUNNYKICKS
Posts: 2,272
4/26/13 11:23 P

I find it crazy that she feels the need to look at what I am eating and how much.
--Yeah, kinda! But that is her problem alone...

It is so typical of her and I just feel like she has no business telling me what to do when she isn't an expert AND she could work on things herself. I also feel like she worries more about others and less about herself and what SHE can do to improve.
--Well, you've known her all your life more-or-less, you know "how she is" - and your assessment is probably realistic - certainly your feelings about how she treats *you* are valid... but the thing is - you aren't going to ever change her. She is who she is, and she'll probably always be this way.

Maybe I just don't like to be told what to do?
--Perhaps - but who does?

how do you handle the unsolicited advice when all you want to do it tell them mind their own business?
--The path of least resistance is to be gracious about it, "thanks for the tips" - and then proceed to ignore it. If there's follow up ("why aren't you doing what I told you to do?") then you can graciously say you have taken her advice under consideration and decided to follow a different path, but thanks all the same. If there's more "push" beyond that point (and - with some people, there will be!) you just reaffirm that you are thankful she's concerned or interested enough to share tips and information, you appreciate the gesture, but you're doing just fine following a different path. Given that this is a family member with whom you'll share a life-long relationship, this may be the way to go. On the other hand, there sometimes does come a time where "setting boundaries" is necessary - having a discussion and explaining which are "no go" topics that you simply will not discuss, and then deflecting the conversation each and every time she subsequently brings it up. Either way - there's no "easy solution" as her personality/behaviour is unlikely to change - all you can control is how you choose to react to it.




ONLINEASLLOU
SparkPoints: (44,889)
Fitness Minutes: (32,046)
Posts: 3,627
4/26/13 10:50 P

We all need to set boundaries sometimes -- and that's OK. Just say "No thank you" when you need to and try to structure your interactions to minimize what irritates you.

It sounds like you have been able to maintain a cordial relationship with your sister even though there is some tension there. That's great.



SIMPLYME160
SparkPoints: (1,834)
Fitness Minutes: (0)
Posts: 143
4/26/13 9:46 P

Hi, yes there is someone in my family like your sister..she is your sister and may be unaware of the controling ways she is "trying to help". Free advice is just that, FREE so you have the right to refuse without making a fuss. To keep peace, thank her for her "advice" and kindly let her know you are "set in your ways" and prefer to follow the plan you choose. For some reason, your sister may feel insecure and it makes her feel "needed" when she gives her opinion/unsolicited advice. Could it be since she is the older sister , it is She that is the one looking for help/advice , from someone to turn to. Although your the younger sister, she may at times need you to be her Emotionally "Older sister". Allow her to butt in, but with limitations. As for your question, No I don't think your being oversensitive.



LJO0310
Posts: 13
4/26/13 9:05 P

I will try to make this short. First off I have a sister who is 6 years older than me. She has what I call a control issue. She likes to give people unsolicited advice, direct her feelings and thoughts unto others so that they can think or feel like her (or as it seems to me). The reason I say this is it seems whenever we have a discussion about something, she has a hard time accepting someone disagreeing with her. She also likes to use assumptions and treat them like facts. She can be pretty narrow minded as well so these combinations of her personality get to me at times (as would any sibling I am sure). I know I am not perfect but I also don't go around trying to pretend to be by telling people how to live their lives like she seems to do. So she had suggested I try out the myfitnesspal.com site. I figured I would check it out for week. It is pretty basic, you track the same stuff as SP but less tools and a lot less features than SP offers. You can choose to have people see your tracking like what you ate for the day and what you did for exercise and for how long. At first I wasn't going to let anyone see it, but figured I would like to see how long it would take before my sister butted her nose in my business and started to tell me what to do. It took a day, she started sending me other websites to make sure I eat the right amount of foods (even though that is what myfitnesspal already does), she told me after obviously snooping in my nutrition tracker that I need to drink at least 8 glasses of water etc... This coming from someone who doesn't exercise on a regular basis and doesn't do anything beyond the elliptical or walking the dog (no strength training or exercise hard enough to get your heartrate up to where it needs to be). I find it crazy that she feels the need to look at what I am eating and how much. I didn't even bother to look at her trackers cause I don't really care, I am not an expert and it's none of my business. I just can't believe she couldn't help herself and fell right into the trap I set. It is so typical of her and I just feel like she has no business telling me what to do when she isn't an expert AND she could work on things herself. I also feel like she worries more about others and less about herself and what SHE can do to improve. None the less, I sent her a message to let her know I was leaving the website cause I didn't like it as much as SP (which is true) and I did my best to just thank her for her telling me about the website. Maybe I just don't like to be told what to do? I just feel like you can give me advice if I ask for it and if you really know what you are talking about, kwim? What do you all think? And, if anyone has dealt with someone like this how do you handle the unsolicited advice when all you want to do it tell them mind their own business?



 
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