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Am I Just Overreacting?



 
 
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ROOSTER72
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7/28/11 11:46 P

That would be annoying, committing to a contract on the agreement that you both would quit.

But, if he is smoking, he is probably feeling weak and guilty (hence the secretiveness). Research shows that giving up often takes a few tries, so I imagine it is tough. He might want to honour his agreement with you but isn't able to.

I would not push it - if the above is correct, you will just force a fight, when he knows you are right anyway! I would stay strong yourself, and get to the gym together. He will soon notice that the smoking is holding him back.

The other reason to not push it is that at least one of you, maybe both, are suffering from nicotine withdrawl. Not going to be a rational fight.

Good luck



LOVE4KITTIES
Posts: 1,823
7/28/11 5:03 P

Oh, yes, AAIKEN9, I would also feel very let down and disappointed too. It's hard to watch someone you love have a seriously unhealthy thing they won't stop doing and it's so disappointing when they say they're going to change and then they don't. It's nothing short of heartbreaking.

I've had a lifetime of watching my parents smoke and suffer the health effects of it. Dad got COPD and continued to smoke (even while he was on oxygen--once, he even set his oxygen line on fire) until maybe 3 months before he died of the disease. He could only work part time by the time I was in college because he was sick. He spent the last 15 years of his life feeling pretty bad from the COPD and he was very seriously ill from it, on oxygen, for at least the last 8 years before he passed. It wasn't until those last few months that he admitted/realized what he'd done to himself with the smoking. My mom smoked through all that and still smokes very heavily to this day. She even denies that Dad died from COPD and that the smoking had anything to do with it. The even more tragic thing is that I'm 99% sure she's got COPD too (because we were told she did by the ER doc when she broke her hip last year and she's got a chronic cough), though she denies having the disease. Mom's told me a few times that she'd try to quit smoking or that she was going to quit (usually after she's had a stay in the hospital and hasn't been able to smoke for a while) and then she just goes right back to it...very heartbreaking.

The other thing was that my parents basically wanted everyone else in the family to smoke too. I think this was so that they wouldn't be the only ones with this bad habit, there would be no "judgment" by anyone because we'd all be doing the same, no one would complain about the smoke, etc.. My brother turned into a smoker, but none of my sisters or myself did. I never even was tempted to try the things because the secondhand smoke made me sick and I saw what they were doing to my parents' health. We also never appreciated all the secondhand cigarette smoke we were subjected to. Even though it made us sick (and I once counted an entire year where I was unable to breathe through my nose for even one day due to all the sinus congestion/allergies that the secondhand smoke caused me), they insisted on smoking in the house, at the dinner table, in the car with the windows up, etc. If I said anything, they denied it was making me sick and would even deny that there was any smoke (e.g., Mom would crack a car window 1/2 inch and say all the smoke was going out). The doctor told me that I needed to move out as soon as possible (as soon as I was old enough and could get the money to do it) because the secondhand smoke was making me so sick.

Then, the grandkids came along and my parents would do things like give them cigarettes (once they got to be teenagers) behind their parents' backs, say manipulative things that would encourage the smoking, etc. Mom will, to this day, even buy them cartons of cigarettes even though she doesn't have a lot of money. She'll do anything to keep as many people in the family smoking as possible. Anyway, 3 of the grandkids turned into real smokers and two others went through periods where they smoked (behind their parents' backs, of course).

I totally understand. But, I've also learned that you can't get any adult to do anything they don't want to do and that all you can do is be encouraging (if they will even accept this without getting all upset that you've even mentioned the problem), try to be a good role model and, most importantly, just take care of yourself (and your kids, of course).
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Edited by: LOVE4KITTIES at: 7/28/2011 (18:54)


AAIKEN9
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7/28/11 4:05 P

Completely agree with you love4kitties.

But... I also understand were misplaced_caper is coming from. Withdrawal was hard!! misplaced-caper is doing it not just for herself but also in support of her husband. IF he is smoking I can completely understand her feeling let down and disappointed. But I'm also aware of how, when going through nicotine withdrawal I became a obsessive about the slightest little thing. Misplaced _caper you need to look at why you agreed with your husband to stop smoking, understand YOUR reasons, remember that you've done a week!! Massvie congrats! Sometimes no matter how much common sense a woman talks or how she tries to beat her man over the head (meaning myself and my partner)with facts, he just doesn't listen until reality hits him upside the head. As love4kitties says let him worry about HIS membership. And if he's had a smoke also remember... You done your 1st week, don't over question him, just feel slightly superior in that you've got more will power than he does and are further along on YOUR journey!!

Anita

P.S. On a lighter note... IHMO Most men do not listen the first time. Therefore forcing us to repeat ourselves, thus enabling them to label us nags due to their failure or inability to listen the 1st time emoticon



LOVE4KITTIES
Posts: 1,823
7/28/11 2:24 P

You cannot force someone else to do something that they don't want to do. Also, you should not let another person's actions influence you to do something that you know is bad for you. Focus on yourself. Do what you need to do for your own health. Use your gym membership, even if you have to go alone. You don't need him to go with you. So far as your husband, maybe he will follow your good example if you stop smoking. Maybe not. All you can do is be a good role model and encourage (not force or bully or nag) him to join you. So far as the money, YOU are not smoking, so you can afford YOUR gym membership and fulfilling your own one year contract will not be a problem for you. If your husband chooses to smoke, then he's going to have to find some way to come up with the money to pay for the cigarettes (some sort of paid extra work) because he's already signed a one-year gym contract and it's probably not refundable. Let this be HIS problem, not yours.

Edited by: LOVE4KITTIES at: 7/28/2011 (14:27)


MISPLACED_CAPER
Posts: 49
7/28/11 10:11 A

the whole idea of smoking was his for one.....and also he came up with the idea to join a the gym. we signed a 1 year agreement each, $40 every 2 weeks. I told him i was not going to gym and sign a contract unless he was really going to quit smoking because we cant do both. He Promised he would quit no matter what.
so that's why I am up set, we cant afford to do both, and now i think hes smoking.

Last night was the first time in a while we went to bed angry, and hes still very edgy today and when i ask him questions I am getting 1 word answers.





ARCHIMEDESII
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7/28/11 9:40 A

He may be smoking, but that doesn't make him a bad person. Quitting smoking is not an easy thing to do cold turkey. So, neither of you should be critical of the other if either happens to start up again.

You take it one day at a time. If someone grabs a smoke, it's going to happen. Think of it this way, having one cigeratte here and there is a big improvement over a pack a day habit.

Slowly weening off may work better for your hubby than just up and quitting. I know very few people who were able to stop cold. Have you considered trying the nicotine patch ? That might not be a bad option to help you both quit.

Like I said, quitting cold turkey isn't easy. You're both still going through withdrawal symptoms. Those withdrawal symptoms can be brutal. Being cranky is the tip of the ice berg.

So, don't worry... if your hubby start back up, don't criticise him. Quitting smoking is hard ! it may well take a few tries before either of you gets it right. Thus the need to be patient as well as compassionate in this kind of situation.





BURNINGEMBER
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Posts: 545
7/28/11 8:27 A

I doubt that he is smoking if you can't smell it on him. As a former smoker who has a husband who smokes, has tried to quit, and has tried to sneak one, I smelled it in his hair four hours after he took two puffs from a co-workers cigarette. He felt guilty about doing it, but he was honest with me. I didn't accuse him, he told me about it, though he certainly didn't have to.

Why would it matter if he is smoking? He's an adult, and his decisions are his own. If arguing when trying to quit is an issue for the two of you, don't accuse him of smoking. You need to be supportive of him, not suspicious. If he IS smoking and hiding it the problem is not the smoking, it would be in the relationship. I dont' know ANY man who would tolerate being told, "NO you're not" just as I don't know any woman who would tolerate that either. You would have the best result for your relationship if you focus on you and allow him the room to focus on his own goals. You can't do it for him.

Edited by: BURNINGEMBER at: 7/28/2011 (08:28)


AAIKEN9
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7/28/11 6:42 A

Hi
It could be your husband is finding it a lot harder than he thought he would and thinks your managing better. He maybe doesn't want to admit to smoking in case you decide to give in to temptation. I quit smoking about 16/17 wks ago. My partner and I both decided to do it together. I went cold turkey, he used NRT. He's back on the cigarettes. He only lasted 3/4 days. We didn't fight at all during those 3/4 days because we were aware that nicotine withdrawal was the cause. If he annoyed me i went into the kitchen an said "its nicotine withdrawal GO AWAY" when he was upset/angry he went an sat in the car lol. (in past attempts arguments where always an excuse for me to reach for the cigarette packet again)

I will say that I definitely found it easier this time than any of the countless other times I've tried to give up. But I figure that this time was MY time to give up. Maybe with support now its YOUR time and IF your husband is smoking his time is in the near future. He can still support you by not smoking anywhere near you and being very very understanding to the mood swings that come with nicotine withdrawal.

Good luck and just remember after 7 days a good bit of the hard work is done.

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ROOSTER72
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7/28/11 3:05 A

You might be right.
Its great if you can quit together, and support each other - but if he can't/wont quit, you can't make him!
I think you should just focus on being successful yourself.

As long as he is not smoking around you, and you don't smell it on him - then put it out of your mind. If he is not smoking around you, he is still making a real effort to be supportive.

There's my 2 cents worth!



KARATE_KID
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Posts: 1,544
7/28/11 1:26 A

It's hard to say. He may be sneaking smokes, or he may have really been holding it together until tonight. I don't have to tell you how hard it is to quit - you already know that. It's something everybody has to do for himself or herself - maybe he isn't ready to quit.

If you can stick to not smoking, regardless if he smokes or not, you'll be doing yourself a world of good and maybe he'll follow your example. It would be good if you can talk about it without getting mad or blaming each other.

Good luck - I quit over twenty years ago; took me about seven tries, but it's one of the best things you can do for yourself.

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MISPLACED_CAPER
Posts: 49
7/28/11 12:12 A

I need advice,
My husband and I quite smoking 7 days ago, and I feel pretty good,
Normally when we try and quit with in a few hours we are fighting and we got and buy a pack of smokes. My hubby gets really cranky and everything makes his angry if he does not have a smoke.
Well its been 7 days and we haven't had a fight until tonight.

My issue is I think that my husband is still smoking when hes not around me, I don't smell It off of him, but to go 7 days with out a fight and then for him to flip out because we went out to get a DQ (first time in 2 and a half weeks), we were eating in the car, and I turned up the stereo because I hate hearing people or my self chew and he knows that.
In the middle of the fight hes like I am going to buy smokes, I like NO your not, so we went home. When we got into our apartment, he was like I am going for gas, I was like no your not cause your going to buy smokes.......He says hes not smoking

and it was his idea to quit not mine.


Do You Guys Think Hes Smoking Or Am I Just Overreacting?


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Edited by: MISPLACED_CAPER at: 7/28/2011 (00:15)


 
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