Fitness Minutes: (17,391)
2,116 7/11/13 8:41 A
Just celebrated our 25th on 6/25/13.
Make sure you talk about all the important things before you get married to make sure you can live with the other person's decisions because you don't want to find out after that he hates children and all you've ever wanted is to be a mom or that he is a penny pincer and you are a shoe-a-holic.
Fitness Minutes: (79,100)
2,953 7/8/13 3:39 P
I will be married 23 years in a couple of weeks and here is my advice
1. Be friends first before you are lovers and then life partners!
That's it the most important advice I can give you.
1. Be friends first 2. Choose someone who makes you laugh and vice versa 3. Have the same values on certain things: family, religion, and money or be able to accept some differences. 4. Make sure both you and they are single at the time 5. Be able to accept the "black and white" of their ideals and vice versa. 6. Be faithful to each other.
Fitness Minutes: (42,834)
1,147 7/7/13 10:47 P
It was really helpful for me to "have your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards". Anything I don't like about my (beloved!) hubby are things I knew about beforehand, so it's not hard to know that I "signed up for this." :)
Fitness Minutes: (0)
117 7/7/13 7:38 P
Pick a person that you can talk to.
Someone where no editing, pretending, fears, jitters, or worry occur when you talk to them. You trust them and they trust you. They talk to you...you don't need to pester or beg, they are there, they like you and you like them.
Fitness Minutes: (2,172)
302 7/7/13 7:29 P
Passionate for one another, respect and willingness to change with each other as you grow....
Fitness Minutes: (90,855)
7,794 7/7/13 6:45 P
Lots of good advice here!
I would say it is important that both people be truly adult in their behavior. Learn and understand about "give & take" and the "dance" of relationship. Nothing kills a marriage or relationship faster than selfishness.
Without common core values, there is not much foundation to build on. And it DOES take work. When things are tough, that is when you want to be able to look back and see the real reason(s) you chose this person. Then you choose to focus on the positives and not let the negatives fill your space.
Don't start out living together. If you (he/she) are worth marrying for the long haul, then do it. Don't play at a relationship and think some day it will become worth it. -- You will bring the baggage of all past relationships into your marriage. How much of that do you want with you???
Commitment seems to be an "art" that is hard to find!
Fitness Minutes: (83,576)
1,814 7/7/13 11:33 A
You have to LIKE them, not just love them. They need to be your best friend, confidant and support you in all you choose to do.
They also need to let you be who you are. Don't hook up with anyone who tries to change you, control you or dictate whom you can see outside the partnership.
They can guide you and push you to excel through support, but overly critical people are poison.
Don't hook up with a depressed, manipulative, or addicted personality - they will ruin your life
TRUST HONOR RESPECT
They need to include you in decisions. Be strong when you're weak and you need to do the same.
Above all these, if the sex isn't good, forget it. It's a long life.
My experience? Married once, 35 years and still a partnership of equals, but I let him be the boss, even though he thinks I am.
All of the previous posts are sound and good advice. I have another major addition that has worked very well over the years. It takes a lot of practice, but try to take JEALOUSY out of your relationship. The TRUST factor has an amazing way of keeping both spouses or partners honest, and it's a great weight off of your own shoulders when your spouse/partner doesn't suspect you of wrongdoing all of the time too! Both of you can actually be yourselves without worrying about being in a heap of trouble every time you turn around just because you happened to have an innocent conversation with, say, a co-worker or a store cashier, went out to lunch with someone your spouse doesn't know, jokingly flirted with someone, etc. Being social with others, doesn't mean that we don't love our life partner the most or are looking for something better. Everyone needs space and time for themselves, so don't tie your partner on a short leash! It's nice to trust and to be trusted. If there's going to be a split in the relationship, it will be with or without the jealousy.
Fitness Minutes: (0)
306 7/7/13 9:42 A
Be sure that what you want from another person is something you also bring to the table. So many people have a list of what they want in another person but they are not that or close to that themselves.
Look deeper than a superficial list of "wants" (looks, money) and make sure the core of who that person really is, is someone that having in your life makes you full of joy and puts a smile on your face every morning.
Fitness Minutes: (2,227)
1,504 7/7/13 9:16 A
You want to be with someone you trust AND someone with whom you can laugh!
Fitness Minutes: (14,455)
415 7/6/13 6:11 P
U will know , don't think a lot
Fitness Minutes: (11,546)
1,025 7/6/13 5:39 P
Choose someone for you! Not someone who satisfies someone else like your parents, your friends or ...? But someone you like and love and who feels the same way back. Someone you can share a conversation with, someone who knows how to apologize and can accept one as well. Someone who is not just supportive but actually "there" when the going is rough. Someone with whom you share common interests and goals. Someone you don't mind sharing morning breath with day after day after day. Someone who can put up with your quirks and whose quirks you can live with. Someone who get's your jokes and gives you laughter with theirs. Someone with whom you share a mutual physical attraction and who is compatible with you or is willing for you both to grow intimately. Someone who can share your happiness in just being together no matter where you are or what you're doing. Someone who is your friend, your lover, your confidante, your student and your teacher. Someone who is not afraid to share the hard work and investment of building a meaningful, quality relationship with you. Someone who respects and can be respected. Someone who can learn what is important to you and who will share with you what is important with them. Someone who holds your hand.
These are just a few of the things I wish someone had told me years ago.
Someone that shares your interests (at least a little), someone who is honest, someone who is caring. If you feel you need to tweak or change them, it won't work and don't try!
Fitness Minutes: (19,643)
138 7/6/13 3:18 P
Someone who you can trust, share with, talk with. Someone who is kind and caring. Someone who is good with money (believe me they can be perfect in every way and this can cause you much grief).
Fitness Minutes: (971)
29 7/6/13 3:16 P
I was swimming with my husband's niece and her husband yesterday. They are adorable. They just had their first baby 4 months ago and they are so happy. I watched them and thought "WOW, they are perfect together". They compliment each other so well. Now, I know they are still young and newlweds (2 yrs in September), but they respect each other and that is key.
My husband and I love each other, but struggle daily to make it work. It should not be that difficult. Marriage is hard work, but it should not be near impossible.
I truly believe that your perfect "other half" is out there, but many people never find them.
Justin Timberlake song "Mirrors"! Love it, answers this better than me
Same that was told to me over 20 years ago. I love this.
"I will not marry someone I can live with, I will marry someone I can't live without."
I am all for being indepent and being able to take care of your self but you should have a part that you don't want to be apart from. Someone that makes you feel safe, loved, needed and wanted. Someone that makes you want to be a better person and that fully loves, excepts and understands who you are inside and out
Find someone you have common interests with that aren't drinking, partying or some activity that you will probably grow out of in a few years. Be able to communicate with the person- listen as well as talk. Look for someone who respects you and your point of view. Be considerate and respectful of your partner and try to see their pov. Don't fake anything. Be truthful and be yourself. Don't complain about your partner to others or draw others into your disagreements. Work it out with your partner. Never expect your partner to read your mind. Tell them what you want, need or feel. Ask them to do the same. Look for someone who regularly does things for others without keeping score. A sense of humor is good. I would prefer a partner who doesn't rely on credit cards and lives within their means to someone who buys lots of gifts or has flashy gadgets. If the person's friends are all jerks or slackers then that says something about them too. If the person is in conflict or complaining about other people a lot there may be something off about them.
The person you choose to spend the rest of your life with IMHO should be someone whom you accept 100% of. No Exceptions. You should love everything about them from their laugh to how the act when they are pissed off at you. Likewise, your life partner should accept 100% of you. No exceptions. Neither of you should want any changes in the other person's life that they don't want to make. Neither of you should think that the other will "eventually" grow out of something you don't find attractive. Growing as a couple should mean personal growth as individuals. If you truly love someone, you will always love them, even if that means growing apart. Diversity in a relationship can be the unbreakable bond that will sustain the affections of both parties. I have been married to my best friend for 16 years. We have had our share of arguments and we even have thrown things at each other. With each and every problem we found a resolution to together, it made us love one another more and more. We have grown over the past 16 years and neither one of us is the person we fell in love with anymore. What's held us together so long is that we just keep falling in love with each other over and over again. As I watch my best friend grow and strive to better herself and the world around her, I find myself loving more and more things about her. So, IMHO I feel your life partner should accept 100% you 100% of the time and you them. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Edited by: JIMTHEATHEIST at: 7/6/2013 (12:37)
Fitness Minutes: (138,147)
6,133 7/6/13 12:34 P
First of all love, generosity of spirit and in general, emotional stability, even temperament, a good profession, love of children, acceptance of your family and hopefully, he comes from a family that is easy to get along with, shared interests and a willingness to let you go off on your own from time to time.
How can two walk together unless they be agreed? Find your common ground and decide if you can live with what makes you different. Opposites do attract and together make a whole. No relationship is without its ups and downs. You cannot have a lasting relationship without trust. Self -centeredness will never produce true love. I have been married for almost thirty years.
You can be total different personality types, but make sure you have the same core values! Also, make a list of your non-negotiables in a partner and don't veer from it. You can never change your partner. Only your partner can change him/herself!
Fitness Minutes: (105,549)
8,093 7/5/13 9:44 P
Pick someone that you can be best friends with and enjoy spending time with whether it is just grocery shopping or going on a trip together. Find someone that will treat you with respect and wants to be treated with respect in return. Make sure you can laugh together over the funny things in life and someone that will hold your hand when the going gets tough and wont let go! I know I found that person 30 some years ago and I have been married to him for almost 28 yrs, He is all of these things.
pick someone who makes you feel good and makes you want to be your best. pick someone who believes in you and you in them. find out how they behave during rough times before you commit to anything. consideration, humor, and warmth are more enduring than passion and romance.
Fitness Minutes: (50,921)
11,241 7/5/13 7:30 P
Make sure he has ambition and plenty of drive! ...... And NOT someone who believes housework is "woman's work" ....... Sorry Charlie, but that won't fly!
Fitness Minutes: (296,261)
23,910 7/5/13 7:04 P
I would say that you need to look at how a person behaves as opposed to what he says--the truth is in the actions rather than the words. Also, a sense of humor is a huge plus--it will get you both through some tough times.
@LadyCJM: I have a colleague who insists that she dates men who need "fixin", she's a drama queen by and large and she gravitates towards destructive men not to mention they have to be 30 or under (she's my age, 51). I don't know how she keeps her job, every couple of months or so after being a no show for a day or two she walks into work beat up and when anyone tells her to call the police or shelter for battered women she refuses saying that that'll only hurt her man's feelings (what ever man she's currently with).
It's sad but I agree, if they have a habit of any sort good or bad they won't likely change after they get married.
Choose someone that is on the same page as you financially. If you are a cautious spender and pay off credit cards every month. You don't want to marry someone that thinks its fine to be in debt and buys everything they want on impulse.
And on the other hand you don't want to marry or date a cheapskate that gets popcorn bags and soda cups out of the trash and has them refilled. Or orders a bunch of samples from the ice cream counter and then doesn't buy a thing
Edited by: MANDIETERRIER1 at: 7/5/2013 (15:32)
Fitness Minutes: (31,113)
1,888 7/5/13 3:24 P
Do not get involved or marry some one you think you can change. If s/he smokes now, s/he will smoke later. If s/he drinks now, s/he will drink later. If s/he is rude now s/he will be rude later. If s/he doesn't respect you, remember your birthday etc that is how s/he will be in 20 years.
You can't change some one else's bad habits or personality traits.
Fitness Minutes: (72,433)
3,510 7/5/13 3:17 P
Make sure you have similar long-term goals especially when it comes to making a family.
Fitness Minutes: (48,735)
4,895 7/5/13 2:41 P
be wary of anybody who is rude to wait staff, cashiers, etc
be wary of anybody who does not respect their parents/grandparents
don't pretend to like their interests if you really don't (I know several women who are REALLY bad about pretending to love whatever the new man in their life enjoys, then have no interest after they've been together for a while)
SparkPeople, SparkCoach, SparkPages, SparkPoints, SparkDiet, SparkAmerica, SparkRecipes, DailySpark, and other marks are trademarks of SparkPeople, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
SPARKPEOPLE is a registered trademark of SparkPeople, Inc. in the United States, European Union, Canada, and Australia. All rights reserved.