I know folks have "exceptions" to this living arrangements and of course this is only a generalized conversation/topic, no judgement going on here, just trying to share info.
12/18/12 12:09 P
KJ, I think your rules are certainly fair. I moved back home for two years after I graduated college and since I had a job I had to pay rent every month. It was definitely less than I would have been paying out on my own, but enough to help my parents out and contribute. I'd always helped out in the house cleaning, etc. so there wasn't ever even a discussion about that. After six months, though, my parents moved out - they had a house in Florida, so I lived there alone and had to pay them rent, plus the electric and phone bill and half the heating oil bill. I think that making sure the kids put in a fair share helps build responsibility and doesn't stunt their emotional growth while they're still living under your roof.
Then again, a good friend of mine lived with his parents for five years after graduating college and while working - rent free - paid off his few student loans, bought himself a nice car, and had enough for a downpayment on a house when he moved out. So living rent free was sort of a gift his parents gave him so that he could start out his life on his own on the right foot.
If you're an NTOL II team member you already know some of this story:
My gf's 20yo daughter and her boyfriend live at my gf's house duty free and financially free. The daughter isn't clinically depressed but does take some medication for anxiety issues and uses that as a reason not to contribute around the house. She is employed and so is the boyfriend but neither help around the house nor make any financial contributions. It stinks for them when I'm around because I speak and make mention of their unsupportiveness towards my gf & her house thus causing "tension". They haven't asked my gf to not let come around anymore but it's getting close to that point.
When I make mention to my gf about booting them out she gets defensive but agrees with me at the same time.....grrrrrrr
Comments to my above statement are welcomed but snarky and hateful remarks are not (*wink* you know I'm talking about you,....hahahahaha).
Fitness Minutes: (92,258)
12/18/12 10:32 A
KJ - your rules sound very fair.
my 40 year old brother was living in dad's basement, until he went back to jail. I guess he didn't realize that committing a crime while on probation for a felony probably isn't the best idea. So his sorry butt is back where it belongs until he learns how to act like a responsible adult.
sis's 30 year old daughter still lives with her dad. As does HER daughter. And I'm sure the baby that's on the way will live there too. She doesn't contribute a thing...except grandchildren. The dad of the first kid is not in the picture. The father of this one says he wants to be involved in his child's life. I feel for the kids. My niece has always been a spoiled brat IMO. My nephews are both good guys. But the niece is just a selfish brat with no respect or regard for anybody else.
I'm RaptorMelon's mom, and I agree - it's symbiotic. If she wasn't living with me, I'd either sell the house (once I get the mortgage put in MY name) and go move in with a friend and contribute to costs, or have someone else move in to rent. She's kinda like my "au pair" - definitely earns her keep! And she's a good friend. Nowadays the cost of living is so high - my mortgage is low, and there's a yard, and it's a nice big ol' house so the kids can enjoy the space. When people cooperate - not sponge or leech or take advantage - it's win-win. Shel
Our 33 year old daughter lives with my husband and I. The reason is because she just doesn't make enough at her job to live out on her own. I have to make this clear. We don't support her in any way,shape or form. She pays a small amount to us for rent, plus she buys all her own groceries including laundry and bath soap ect. She even splits the cost of our holiday dinners, her share of utilities and cable and even helps with the cat food. She doesn't drink or smoke and attends church with us when she isn't working. She never misses work and has never been late unless except a couple times in the last ten years when she had the flu. She would love to be out on her own, but out of neccessary, she has to live with us. She is welcome for as long as she needs to.
Fitness Minutes: (26,338)
4,926 12/18/12 7:14 A
My 20year old boy-girl twins are both still living at home. My daughter has a great full time job. My son (who has learning disabilities) has a part time job and is still working on getting his high school diploma online..He is looking at having enough credits to graduate in 2014. They both have rules to follow and even a curfew as long as they live here. It has been going well. They also help out with the utilities.They know they are welcome here as long as they help out and follow my rules :) !!
I believe that if they are helping them self by getting a education or a good job then they are welcome to stay in my home. However if they think that they are going to live here and do nothing or very little that is not going to happen.
12/17/12 9:44 P
three of them, ages 21, 23, and 26
12/17/12 6:03 P
My daughter- the country mouse, became a city mouse by doing a big college in a big city and never boomeranged as she was hired from her internship there. The son came home for a week before splitting for as far away as he could get and still be in the continental US (we're northeast, he's San Diego, gee, I didn't think we were that bad as parents!). That's OK, it's an excuse to go someplace warm on occasion.
Our 19 year old works full time and still lives at home. Your rules sound very reasonable. Due to some crazy circumstances, his girlfriend (full time student) lives with us also, as well as my mother-in-law. *sigh* At this point, my husband and I are ready to take our two younger boys and move away and let the others just have the house.
12/17/12 2:50 P
Our daughter lives at home with us. She contributes both financially AND helps around the house although I do most of the housework cause I am a stay at home house wife. She doesn't have a Me Me attitude - and she can stay here as long as she wants!!!
I lived in my parent's home for awhile as an adult. Your ground rules are reasonable enough. Have you thought about some rules about things like them having their SO or friends stay over or rules about company/parties or paying for their own food or bills?
My parents didn't ask me to pay rent or contribute financially but I viewed it as important to help around the house (cook dinner, shovel snow, lawn care), clean up after myself and pay my own bills (credit card, student loan, phone).
KJ- I was the adult child living at home and your rules mirrored my parents to a T. However, college was not a choice, it was a definite. Luckily Dad was able to send us all for 4 years, but breaks and summer the rules you had outlined, we followed. When I graduated from College I had a full time job and it was very close to my parents house. They told me I could live there a year, but I had to pay rent ($300 a month. unbeknownst to me, they were putting the money into a savings account and were able to buy me new carpeting in my condo as well as the paint) But again, I had to follow the rules.
Toward the end of the year, my parents helped me find a perfect little condo in the area that i could afford.
Yes my adult children live at home with me and I thank God every day for them.
But I am in a unique situation. my youngest son (22 years old) is severely physically disabled and need somebody with him at all time. my 24 year old son has chosen to live here with us to help take care of his brother. I do have rules though and they share the household expenses. I try to treat them like boarders instead of my kids. its hard to do though
Fitness Minutes: (2,735)
12/17/12 1:46 P
I have 1 adult child living here at my house--it gets to be nerve racking sometime--you wonder if hes grown or still smalll
12/17/12 1:41 P
here's my story. My sister in law is 62 years old and has been living with my MIL for many many years now. She insists on telling my husband and I that we should not be in a financial strain and should not be asking their mom for any money. My husband has not been getting much work lately. He's a plumber and works for himself and well, you catch my drift. Anyway, to make a long story short, she does not pay her mom anything, as she does not work. She does help with the housework, though, I guess. I really don't know. How would you all handle this? Would you just sit there and grin and bare it, as she runs her mouth while they are visiting us, which is every Sunday. We have a little boy, so my MIL wants to see him. Sorry if I'm off topic KJ!
PS. I got my Associate's degree (finally) in June and am working towards obtaining my Bachelor's Degree.
12/17/12 12:58 P
KJ--Your rules for adult children living in your home sound very fair and very appropriate.
My experiences watching people allow their adult kids to live at home: I have watched multiple people in my family allow their adult children (or grandchildren) to continue living at home or come back home to live and they basically didn't insist that their kids follow rules like yours (do their share of the household work and either be in school or be working and financially contributing to the household). In my opinion, all that has ended up happening in these instances is that they have enabled their adult children to do nothing for extended periods of time (basically become leaches/parasites).
These adult children have not worked, not contributed financially, not done household chores (sometimes not even their own laundry) except rarely (when they act like it's a favor), etc. They have sat in front of the computer, sat in front of the television, spent any money they have had on alcohol and partying/going out with friends, not gone to school, etc. They all have great delaying tactics (i.e. they are always going to be starting back to school next semester, always have excuses for why they had to drop out of school last semester, have excuses for why they cannot go to school full time, have excuses for why they cannot get a job, etc.). I have three nephews (ages 22 and 26 and 27) who have been doing this for years. I have a niece who is 33 who has also been doing this since she turned 18 (and my sister is now is supporting this niece's child too). Overall, what we have in my family is some severe enabling and, thus, all four of these adult children have severe "failures to launch." I doubt that any of them will ever make anything of themselves.
Then, there is my brother, who kept coming home over and over. The last time he came home was supposedly because he lost his job due to the economy. He spent 9 years sitting in front of the computer, not working, not contributing anything, not even doing his own laundry. He had numerous excuses why he couldn't get a job (ageism, jobs wouldn't "pay him what he was worth", etc.) He finally got old enough (he's significantly older than me) to start collecting social security. Mom finally kicked him out because he was so unpleasant to be around and was emotionally abusive to her. He left a giant mess and he left his adult kid (the nephew who's 26) who continues to leech off of my mom.
I am so very glad that no one ever enabled me like my sisters enable their adult kids and like my mom enabled my brother (and continues to enable her grandkids). It really isn't doing someone a favor...it's more along the lines of helping someone to become a failure in life.
Edited to add that I think that there should be some sort of time limit for adult children living at home or there's the risk that they won't actually be making appropriate forward progress towards becoming independent (e.g. they will continue living at home for countless years while working a part time job or a job that will never allow for financial independence or going to school part time for year upon year upon year without getting a degree).
My sister, age 45, just moved out of my parents' house a couple months ago after living with them for the last 20+ years. She had gotten into serious financial troubles, not to mention drug and alcohol addiction. She does work and did give them rent ($200 a month) and did housework/cooking. During those 20+ years she got pregnant, (plus her son from her first marriage lived there), got married and moved her 2nd husband into my parents' home (he was a first class loser)... now that she has moved out, her 18 year old daughter is remaining with my parents while she goes to school and her 27 year old son is due to get out of prison on Thursday and HE will be staying with my parents as well. Obviously he does not have a job and has a lot of "baggage" that he will be bringing to the house as well. It always has been an interesting sitution that I think my parents should have nipped in the bud a long time ago, or at least put up much better boundaries and rules to keep a lot of the crap that has resulted from happening.
Fitness Minutes: (84,670)
5,104 12/17/12 12:47 P
Fitness Minutes: (76,052)
12/17/12 12:45 P
We just got JoAnn's oldest daughter out of here, her and her hubby. Dirty, lazy, and we endeed up supporting them. They ate our food, and left us hsnging on the utilities.
I AM the adult child living at home with my family. Haha! I've been here for several years, but I more than earn my keep. Rent gets paid ($300 a month). I do 99% of the cooking and cleaning, including the laundry. My father passed away last year, and I was here to confirm to my mother that he had indeed passed away. (That image will forever be burned into my psyche but at least my mother didn't have to go through it by herself. He went peacefully, but still...) Recently, my mom discovered she's got arthritis in her hip and one of her knees is bone on bone, so I've REALLY been doing housework on my own. She's going to be scheduling surgery very soon, so... This is definitely a symbiotic relationship. I think Mom's cooked four or five times total, since I've been here? Hahahaha! I'm the reason we got fat again.
HOWEVER, we're both one another's reason for getting back on the wagon to losing weight/eating healthy.
12/17/12 12:12 P
our son was living with us
(a) while he attended school (b) while he continued to look for a job
Since there were no jobs forthcoming in this area, we assisted him with the funds to move elsewhere and seek employment.
However, your rules are sound, and we would have followed a similar path (well, I would have; whether my hubby would have agreed is a matter we would have had to discuss)
My two daughters are 14 & 16 and we have had many conversations about them "living" here after 18. I told them if they are enrolled in college full-time they are more than welcomed to stay rent-free so long as they are respectful of some basic rules like letting me know where they are when they're home from colege and staying at my place or keeping their living area (and mine) clutter free. If they are NOT full-time college students (as in not attending college at all) then they have to have a job (even jobs they don't like so long as they are getting a paycheck) & can stay at my place so long as they contribute financially (on a negotiated price) and help with household chores (i.e. cleaning, dishes, laundry, etc...).
Anyone currently have adult children living at home? How are you dealing with it?
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