Fitness Minutes: (4,052)
74 7/22/13 6:29 P
I am following this post with great interest.
My 13 yo son is having problems, too. Most days, it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. He got in so much trouble in school last year we decided to homeschool for the remainder of the year. It was not a great experience....he hates school, he doesn't see the point in a lot of what they teach (his dad felt the same way about school when he was a kid), and to top it all off, my son is a skateboarder in a country town. Yeah, he doesn't exactly fit in here.
He has no interests outside of skateboarding. We try to keep him in shoes and skateboards but that does get expensive, and sometimes his shoes or the board wears out before we can get him new stuff. That makes him mad. He wants to hang out with his friends all the time, yet they're not available very much. I take him to the skatepark as often as possible, but sometimes he doesn't want to go if his friends aren't going to be there.
He gets angry quickly, he very much feels like he is owed things (I suppose this is a normal teenage thing, though), and he really seems to misread social situations. CONSTANTLY. When I try to talk to him to point out that what he is doing / saying is making people upset, he just doesn't get it.
I am wondering at this point if he has Aspberger's. It's a possibility. He has Tourette's, although it's very mild and seems to have abated almost completely. I know you usually find Tourette's with other syndromes (OCD, ADD, ADHD, autism, Aspberger's, etc.) so it's definitely possible he is somewhere on the Aspberger's spectrum. Unfortunately, from what I can tell, he doesn't fit enough of the criteria for an initial diagnosis. Although perhaps if we took him somewhere (where? how is this even done?) we might get a different answer.
I want nothing more than to have peace in my home and a kid who is happy, fulfilled, has friends, and gets along with his family. That is not happening.
I'm really hoping this is a case of "And this, too, shall pass."
Fitness Minutes: (10,327)
22 7/2/13 1:10 A
I'm sure I am going to get reamed here but look inward as well. Kids act out when one or more of their needs are not getting met. No offense intended, but my guess is that he is wanting for something--from you, from his friends, from someone. Find out what need is not getting met and you will go along way towards resolving the issues.
I don't think it is just puberty, though that is undoubtedly a factor.
Fitness Minutes: (511)
8 6/19/13 4:57 P
Also going with what 2unhealthy said:
even tough we blame puberty, teenagers brains are not fully develop(it end in the early 20's). Their emotional part is actually fully develop, but their prefontalcortex, which makes us wise and morally sound when we have emotion is not. This explains why they do stuff very impulsively, without thinking, even if they know they are wrong. They physically cannot think straight when having strong emotions.
your son probably know that what he did was wrong. if he was feeling strong emotions, he might not of been able to know that it was on the moment and simply responded to his emotion. Perhaps a few emotional coping skills could help him. you could always go see the counsellor yourself to ask him for some, since you know your son well, you could know what he would be likely to implement.
Fitness Minutes: (511)
8 6/19/13 4:49 P
Hi, I am in college right now studying special needs(not talking about academic specifically, we cover everything for mobility, to cognitive, to emotional). One things that I learned is that bullying often is caused by is pain or fear. Your son is most likely hurting from something. We often see bullies as mean child( or adult), but often forget that behind those act, there is a person that is most of the time suffering. It could be different reason. Maybe he is ashamed of his struggle with academics, maybe kids are picking on him, and he feels safer by attacking them and more respected. Like my teacher taught me in school, anger is always a symptoms of an other emotion. The question is what emotion, and what could make it better. Its difficult to find out, specially with teenagers. But remember the number one rule when dealing with teenagers, never destroy their integrity or shame them, specially publicly, or you will lose their trust completely. And also if you feel overwhelmed by the conversation, it is okay to tell him you need a few minute to think and breath and walk away or to give him a few minute if he gets angry to let it out. just make sure that he is safe and that you are too.
My husband had bad anger problems through middle and high school, into young adult hood. Part of it was an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, which made him sad, frustrated, and quick to snap. The anxiety caused him to have problems in school, and major problems with authority. Another part of it was intelligence. He's a very smart man, and he didn't want to learn about what was assigned.
Is your son bored with school? Maybe you could get him involved in something that he actually enjoys, like the arts, sports, or something with technology. Having him volunteer would be a great way for him to appreciate what he has, and enrich his future.
Also, if you insist he goes to counseling, he legally has to go. He's a minor.
Fitness Minutes: (0)
11 5/10/13 12:08 P
Sounds like maybe he is turning to bullying because he is getting bullied himself. I was bullied horribly when I was in grade school. I put up anger as my wall too. People are evil these days, not just kids. Teachers will poke fun too and take sides.
Have you asked him what would make things better? Maybe talk with him and his school councilor to try to come up with a solution.
Just make sure he knows you are always on his side and not against him.
Most 15 year old are off the rails...it's called puberty...holy cow think back to when you were a raging ball of hormones...so many changes...I know it happens to us all and we are all taught about the changes to expect but not much can truly prepare one for the mental anguish and emotional turmoil that comes with growing up.
Most young men don't know how to deal with their rapidly changing emotions and so when they feel like crying they get mad, when they feel mad they get mad, when they feel tired they get mad, when they feel confused they get mad....you get the point.
Now it also seems that he is being picked on as he punched a kid for pushing him...maybe the kid pushed him everyday for a week leading up to the punch...just because kids are smaller doesn't mean they are victims. Then he was being 'teased' (bullied) and walked away and punched the wall (not a person) and got sent home...no fair...and who knows what the kid he doused in the puddle was doing to him...maybe there's more to the story and yes by raising your voice you are taking sides against him instead of being in his corner...and most kids who are being bullied but are seen as bullies do not want nor think they need counselling...they just get angrier at the injustice of being blamed.
What may help is talking openly about the issues and if he doesn't want to talk about anything or denies any problems etc. then talk about his reaction to stresses and help him come up with alternatives to punching and make it known that if he punches any holes in your house he will be responsible to pay for the damage. At least that will keep you safe in your own home. He just needs to find a different outlet for his anger...weight lifting, sports, art, volunteering with animals...something to channel his energy.
Fitness Minutes: (36,402)
1,021 5/7/13 2:08 P
Thinking a little outside the box here - is it possible he's actually the kid being bullied? The reason I ask is that I was a kid with kind of an explosive temper, and I got in trouble for (in my case, verbal, rather than physical) outbursts, but most of my outbursts were in response to other kids (one in particular, actually) initially teasing me quietly. To teachers, it looked like I was the one with the problem, because my reaction to the teasing was the only thing they saw and heard, but when my mom finally got me to talk about what was happening, she figured out that what looked like unprovoked, unwarranted anger was actually provoked. I still needed to work on my "coping with being teased" skills, obviously, but it made a big difference when the adults involved understood what was really going on.
It's possible this is happening to your son - as a young man, he's probably even less likely than I was as a young girl to want to admit that he's being teased, and the fact that he's acting in response to something else could explain why he doesn't seem to be sorry for the things he does (since he may feel like the other kids "deserve" it for being mean to him).
I may be totally off base here, but since it sounds like nothing else is working anyway, I figured I'd mention this as an avenue worth exploring.
Fitness Minutes: (35,609)
1,407 5/3/13 12:24 A
Google "tough love". That organization might be able to help.
Fitness Minutes: (576)
8 4/29/13 7:59 A
My son is getting into trouble at school most days and its doing my head in, he just can't control his anger. I'm sorry to say but he has become a bully, can't believe a son of mine is, he has a good home live, wants for nothing but isn't spoilt and does chores round the house for his pocket money. I just don't know what I have done wrong :0(
This last week he was excluded from school for punching a younger boy as he pushed him, the week before he was being teased and left the room and punched a wall and was sent home, three weeks ago he was excluded for two days for picking up a child and dropping him into a puddle. The poor child was drenched head to toe. He shows no remorse for what he's done either. If I raise my voice he going off on one and punches things, to be truthful I'm scared of him.
The school has offered counciling but he won't go, he is not pulling his weight in classes and won't get the grades he needs for 6th form.
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