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LOSINGIT61
Posts: 2,255
7/12/06 10:32 A

I want to thank everyone for the jokes on this thread. They are hilarious. Keep up the great work and for making me laugh, LOL



HEYWORTH83
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7/11/06 11:17 A

In the U.S, the new Pirates of the Caribbean film has been rated Arrrr!



HEYWORTH83
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7/11/06 11:14 A

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon



CINCYMITCH
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7/11/06 11:13 A

Oops, sorry for it being all caps



CINCYMITCH
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7/11/06 8:35 A

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES IN LAS VEGAS THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH
WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.



YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU???



POPEYETHETURTLE
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7/10/06 3:43 P

Russ,

Having spent a year at Law School before running out of money, lawyer jokes are one of my favorite. That last one was good!
==================================

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."


Bob emoticon



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
7/10/06 2:10 P

Bill was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.

Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Bill turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Bill got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your butt!



In a murder trial, the
defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.


Edited by: RUSS1985 at: 7/10/2006 (14:12)


RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
7/10/06 1:59 P

Lisa,

Oh Man, I almost spit out my water on that one. Too funny!



BILLBRADBURN
Posts: 131
7/10/06 10:53 A


How 'bout this

What did zero say to the eight? Nice Belt!

Bill





TGIFMNTGIRL
Posts: 487
7/10/06 10:27 A

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old,

She has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"




RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
7/9/06 9:48 P

Quotes from the preeminant Scholar: Yogi Berra

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4."

Edited by: RUSS1985 at: 7/9/2006 (21:50)


RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
7/9/06 9:36 P

Bob,

I knew there was a reason I stopped drinking sodas a while back. I thought it was just because they made you bloated like a fish on the deck. Good post.




CINCYMITCH
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7/9/06 9:33 P

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.



POPEYETHETURTLE
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7/9/06 1:31 A

Was the pun on "lie" intentional?

My contribution to the topic today is not a joke, but serious.

I read an article yesterday that stated scientists have discovered that diets high in intake of phosphoric acid lead to a leaching of calcium from the bones.

Sooooo?

All the Big Boys of Soda add phosphoric acid to their cola drinks, even diet, for that extra "zing" (Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper).

We all know of the gobs of sugar in soda, but this discovery is very important, especially to the women in our lives who have already been subject to bone loss during their child bearing years. If you have female loved ones, you might seriously consider passing this on. I doubt the big soda makers will make any announcements about their products increasing the risk for osteoporosis.

Bob emoticon



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
7/7/06 2:08 A

See ya Saturday, I think...

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."




RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
7/7/06 2:07 A

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."




RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
7/6/06 7:17 P

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house.

Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"



HEYWORTH83
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7/6/06 4:58 P

Mitch you get a tut and a groan! I love the walking a mile in the shoes thing - i'm gonna start telling people that! Here's another for the collection:

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."



CINCYMITCH
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7/6/06 2:36 P

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat?

The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.



CINCYMITCH
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7/6/06 2:35 P

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes,.............and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
7/6/06 2:24 P

Bob,

Ohh! *Groan*, ok that was funny.



POPEYETHETURTLE
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7/6/06 2:03 P

Man, I do love this forum!

The lawyer joke reminded me of one:

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely.

The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey."

The second lawyer responded, "Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day."

Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsmen, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Makes you stop and think for just an instant, then, boooo

Bob emoticon



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
7/6/06 1:42 A

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"




HEYWORTH83
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7/5/06 5:01 P

lol good one Russ!



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
7/5/06 11:34 A

Warning: Long joke ahead.


Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."



HEYWORTH83
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7/1/06 4:32 P

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

[boo get off your crap!!!]



CINCYMITCH
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7/1/06 12:47 P

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left leg and his left arm in an auto accident?

He's alright now.

Think about it,....you'll laugh and laugh later!



MICHAELEWELLS
Posts: 1,374
7/1/06 12:10 P

Okay real story!
I have neices that went to a family reunion. At the reunion they have door prizes. My neices won a baby pink cowboy hat. A hiddious looking thing. They did not want the hat so they tried misplacing it in a room where the food was stored. It was found and given back to them. They tried misplacing it in another room and again it was found and given back to them. So they parted the building with the hat. As they were driving down the road they thought it was a perfect time to ditch the hat, They made a big show of making it look like an accident. They pitched the hat out the window and went on their merry way home. A week later they come to their moms house and sitting on the coffee table is the hat. They now call that hat the devil hat.
Now the rest of the story goes like this.
Their Aunt had left the building and was going home. She comes to a fork in the road and cannot decide which way to go. Turn one way and go to garage sale or turn another way and go home. She finally decides to turn the latter way and goes that direction. She sees the hat on the side of the road and picks it up and takes it to her sisters house.
I guess you just can't get rid of some things no bad how hard you try.



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
7/1/06 11:51 A

Bob: The thing about medical humor is that most of it actually happened somewhere. My mom used to tell me stories of what happened in the ER that would make you go, "Do people like that walk the earth and breed?"

Switching gears:

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."


Edited by: RUSS1985 at: 7/1/2006 (11:52)


POPEYETHETURTLE
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7/1/06 9:43 A

Russ: I think that sums it up pretty succinctly.

Strange, but in the field of Medical Humor..........

1. A man comes into the ER and yells; "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart". Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Re becca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive". Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery! When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn't submit his name.


Neither would I!

Bob
emoticon



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
6/30/06 7:22 P

Bob - Of all of the board topics, I think I've had the most fun here. No one said we can't laugh while we're working on getting/being healthy.

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:
Show up naked with food.


That pretty much sums it up.



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
6/30/06 7:09 P

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."



POPEYETHETURTLE
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6/30/06 6:59 P

Russ, Lisa, Mitch and Mike. This is a great place to come and get a boost. I think I'm going to start recommending our site to all my depressed friends. If some of these jokes can't get their emotion elevated, there just might not be any hope (by the way, I am one of those clinically depressed people, so if anyone peeks in and gets upset and wants to go off on me, I admit I'm crazy. And I have the bills to prove it!)

Mike: As long as it passes the SP censors, it shouldn't offend anyone. Unless they just don't get the "point".

One day, when a seamstress was setting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and aked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble, set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped His hand into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again, the seamstress again replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "oh, yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the same seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband slipped, fell into the river, and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Load again appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Matthew McConnaughey. Then if I said 'No' to him, you
would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able
to take care of three husbands, so thats why I said 'Yes' to Mel Gibson ."

The moral of the story is: - Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

Lisa; This one was especially for you. You are such a great lady.

Bob emoticon



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
6/30/06 5:22 P

Great joke AM Mike,



MICHAELEWELLS
Posts: 1,374
6/30/06 3:14 P

a priest, a rabbi, and a pentecostal were having a discussion about conversion. They decided that the real challenge would be to convert a bear.
The priest told his story a week later when he walked in with casts on his arms. He said that getting up to the bear was easy. He tried sprinkling the bear with Holy water as the bear attacked him. Once the Holy water hit the bear the bear turned meek as a lamb and the Bishop is comming to do the ceremony of conversion.
The pentescostal went next and showed up a week later in a body cast. He said that he approached the bear and with the POWER of the HOLY SPIRIT wrestled the bear until they came to a river and Praise God the bear was thrown in the river and dunked, that is to say submirssion of baptism. And then The holy spirit came and that bear spoke in tongues clucking like a chicken and was as meek as a lamb.
The next week the rabbi came in in a body cast and a wheelchair.
Before anyone could say anything the Rabbi said let's just say that starting with circusism was not a great idea.
hope this did not offend but I did find it funny



CINCYMITCH
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6/30/06 2:36 P

Here's an oldie but goodie.....


An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".




TGIFMNTGIRL
Posts: 487
6/29/06 10:05 P

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"

"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."

"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.

"I thought you were trying to bring her back."



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
6/29/06 5:16 P

Lisa, we know that non of these blonde joke could EVER apply to you. That's why we like you so much! :)

199! Way to go Lisa!

Edited by: RUSS1985 at: 6/29/2006 (19:06)


TGIFMNTGIRL
Posts: 487
6/29/06 5:00 P

ha ha Russ ... I like that joke too .. you wouldn't catch me dead fishing at an ice rink *twitchy eye* ha ha



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
6/29/06 4:46 P

A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you --- God?" The voice replied, "NO, I OWN THE ICE-RINK!"



POPEYETHETURTLE
SparkPoints: (218,041)
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6/29/06 4:37 P

Lisa: Good blonde joke.

Mitch: I live in redneck country, and tho good, I guess it takes a while for a joke to go north east.

Russ: If I'd had the chance to shake Ali's hand, I might not have washed it for a month. I bet you can remember it!

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

And this is the generation that is going to be leading the country in 20-40 years? Thank the Lord for my age, maybe I'll be dead by then.

Bob emoticon



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
6/29/06 4:36 P

One day Jim was out fishing and was not having any luck at all, he tried lures, worms and other types of bait and was just not catching anything. Tom was fishing about 20 feet from him and was catching fish as fast as he cast his line out. Jim was getting very jealous of this show off, so he asked the Tom what he was using for bait. The man said " I am using worms, but I dip them in whiskey" Jim got really interested in this technique so he asked Tom if he could try one of these drunk worms. Tom had no problem with this request so he handed Jim one of the worms. Jim placed the worm on the hook and cast out no sooner than his hook hit the water, Jims pole began to bow like crazy, he set his hook and started to reel it in. Once he got his catch up to the shore he noticed that the worm had the fish by the throat.



TGIFMNTGIRL
Posts: 487
6/29/06 1:18 P

ha ha redneck joke was funny .. very funny : ) reminded me of a few rednecks in my area lol



CINCYMITCH
SparkPoints: (25,933)
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Posts: 2,733
6/29/06 12:47 P

A couple of red neck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"



CINCYMITCH
SparkPoints: (25,933)
Fitness Minutes: (5,576)
Posts: 2,733
6/29/06 12:42 P

Thanks guys...try this one....

Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove he wanst chicken!



TGIFMNTGIRL
Posts: 487
6/28/06 7:01 P

ha ha Russ ... you are so funny : ) Hope you are having a good day!



RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
6/28/06 7:00 P

Aaargh! That is funny, unless you really love cars.

emoticon

Mitch I got a good laugh out of the cat joke.

Edited by: RUSS1985 at: 6/28/2006 (19:01)


TGIFMNTGIRL
Posts: 487
6/28/06 6:57 P

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."





RUSS1985
Posts: 3,365
6/28/06 6:42 P

Bob,

I got a chance to briefly meet Ali when I was in college. He had retired and was in San Diego for some event that I wandered in on. I got to shake his hand and say hi to him (all of about 5 seconds) but wouldn't you know it, I remember that 5 seconds like it just happened.

Edited by: RUSS1985 at: 6/28/2006 (18:43)


POPEYETHETURTLE
SparkPoints: (218,041)
Fitness Minutes: (93,113)
Posts: 14,062
6/28/06 6:12 P

Mitch: Your dyslexic joke had me totally cracked up, still tickled. Told it to my wife. Puzzled look for three seconds, then came the long groan, after that, giggles. That was high scoring!

Russ: Serious. Just noticed your quote from the Greatest. I'm old enough to have followed him throughout his entire career, through the Olympics until his final retirement from the sport. I am totally convinced that after Liston wouldn't answer the bell, Ali won 40% of his fights before he ever got in the ring. His faith was so strong, other fighters were converted before one punch was thrown. I have compared every heavyweight since to him in his prime. None of them come close. Thanks for stirring an older guys memories. Very uplifting.

Next time, back to funny.

Bob emoticon

PS: Just realized, maybe my emoticon is an unconcious salute.



 
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