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RUSS1985 Posts: 3,365
6/17/06 4:18 P

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son... Everywhere!

Edited by: RUSS1985 at: 6/17/2006 (16:18)
CINCYMITCH SparkPoints: (25,933)
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6/17/06 2:17 P

I just installed a skylight....the people upstairs are really pissed.

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6/17/06 7:27 A

OK Here goes

A man walks into a bar one day and orders a drink, he sees a horse sat at a table with a chest of gold in front of him, the man says to the barman whats going on over their?
The barman replied oh he comes in here every so often and if you can make him laugh you get the gold.

So the man goes over to the table and 2 minutes later the horse is rolling around on the floor laughing its head off .
The man walks out of the pub with the gold .

A week later the man is in the pub again and the horse is sat at the same table with another chest of gold .
The man says to the barman whats going on today and he replies , If you can make him cry you get to keep the gold .
So the man goes over 2 minutes later the horse walks out of the pub crying his eyes out and absolutely distraught .
The barman goes over to the table and asks the man how did you manage to do that i have never seen anyone beat him twice before .

To which the man replied well to make him laugh i told him my penis was larger than his .
And to make him cry ......................

I showed him .

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6/17/06 4:44 A

those last two were great!

RUSS1985 Posts: 3,365
6/17/06 2:55 A

ROFL

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6/16/06 11:17 P

Hey everyone! I am not a guy, but this one is funny......

"My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car........
emoticon

LOVINMYCUBBIES Posts: 650
6/16/06 7:59 P

Well I'm not a guy, but I gotta joke...


What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

~A Dick-Tater (Dictator)
emoticon

RUSS1985 Posts: 3,365
6/16/06 12:27 A

Good one Mick,


A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

$10 - Must be one helluva beer!


Edited by: RUSS1985 at: 6/16/2006 (00:28)
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6/15/06 3:53 P

the jokes just keep getting better on this thread!

A man walks into a bar - his friend ducks underneath.

Heh heh. Mick.

RUSS1985 Posts: 3,365
6/15/06 11:14 A

OK Adam, that was good.

Here's one:

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"


TGIFMNTGIRL Posts: 487
6/15/06 10:45 A

ooo Bob ha ha : ) Have a great day everyone

AWEAVER1983 SparkPoints: (9,269)
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6/15/06 10:33 A

This first one is a lot funnier if you say it out-loud... and it's always interesting to see who gets the joke and who doesn't when telling it. Try it out sometime!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.

What do geometrists do when it starts raining?
They coincide of course!

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6/15/06 9:43 A

Two cannibles were eating a clown when one looked up to the other and asked, "Does this taste funny to you?

Bob emoticon

TGIFMNTGIRL Posts: 487
6/14/06 7:35 P

ha HA! now that was funny!!!! thanks Russ. I will have to pass this one along : )

RUSS1985 Posts: 3,365
6/14/06 7:13 P

New cabbie

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

RUSS1985 Posts: 3,365
6/14/06 7:13 P

Sailing Class

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."



TGIFMNTGIRL Posts: 487
6/14/06 6:03 P

BEER, FISHING, GOLF & SEX:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

RUSS1985 Posts: 3,365
6/13/06 2:25 P

Let's throw a few in here.

What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."





LOSINGIT61 Posts: 2,255
6/13/06 12:07 A

LOL Thanks guys, I needed these jokes tonight.

RUSS1985 Posts: 3,365
6/12/06 5:58 P

OK that was funny. And ironically, I've done most of the things on that list.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"


emoticon

Edited by: RUSS1985 at: 6/12/2006 (18:29)
TGIFMNTGIRL Posts: 487
6/12/06 4:52 P

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 WHEN...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers for your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family
is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom
of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years in your life, is now cause for
panic and you turn around to go get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to
forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.


Edited by: TGIFMNTGIRL at: 6/12/2006 (16:54)
RUSS1985 Posts: 3,365
6/9/06 12:23 P

LOL! Too funny

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6/9/06 7:42 A

lol Lisa emoticon

TGIFMNTGIRL Posts: 487
6/9/06 12:14 A

One of My favorites ;)


Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Palm Springs, CA, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.



RUSS1985 Posts: 3,365
6/2/06 6:25 P

What do you call cows singing on stage?

A Mooosical! (Insert rim shot here) emoticon

HEYWORTH83 SparkPoints: (0)
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6/2/06 5:15 P

Heh sorry I didn't reply to that one sooner - i'm laughing out loud to that last post you made!!

What do you call a man in a bush?
Russell!

What do you call a man you dig up out of the ground?
Pete!

What do you call a man who comes through your letterbox?
Bill!

What do you call a man who comes through a student letterbox?
Grant!

What do you call a man pouring water into a jug?
Phil!

What do you call a man with a raincoat?
Mac!

What do you call a man with a large raincoat?
Big Mac!

Mick.

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5/27/06 7:43 P

Mick,

Haven't been feeling great for a little while. Found out I had my gloves on.

A British company is developing computer chips which store music, to be implanted in women's breasts. This is viewed as a major breakthrough as, up until now, women have complained that men were staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
emoticon
Bob

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5/27/06 6:22 P

Hello again Bob!

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.

Mick. emoticon

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5/27/06 5:46 P

The sheep that go to the baah, must live in Bahston - near the Kennedy's.

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5/27/06 5:45 P

When elephants move, do they have to pack their trunks?

HEYWORTH83 SparkPoints: (0)
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5/26/06 6:47 P

More educated cows might go to the mooooseum. Also I think the sheep go to the baah.

INTENSIVE Posts: 72
5/26/06 5:34 P

Sorry not a what do you call....

Where do cows go on a saturday night.....

to the mooo-vies

emoticon

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5/26/06 3:04 P

Actually here's another one:

What do you call 2 men with no arms and no legs who hang around the window? Kurt and Rod.

Hah hah. Mick.

Edited by: HEYWORTH83 at: 5/26/2006 (15:05)
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5/26/06 2:59 P

Heh very good. I've only got one today:

Q. What do you call a woman with a digital display on her head?
A. Elsie Dee

emoticon

SHARAN60 SparkPoints: (0)
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5/25/06 4:05 P

Excuse me - but I need to add to the mix:
emoticon
Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A. Russell

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
A. Art

Q. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on the floor?
A. Matt

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool.

emoticon

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5/15/06 6:14 P

It's okay, any short jokes are cool!

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

sorry if that's a bit vulgar...

POPEYETHETURTLE SparkPoints: (218,246)
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5/15/06 6:03 P

Mick -

Hey, it was the weekend. You're allowed a day of rest!

Q. What do you call skydiving lawyers (barristers in England?)
A. Skeet

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A. They have big fingers!

Q. Why is it important to be quiet in church?
A. Because people are sleeping.

I know, the last two were not of the "what do you call" variety, but you're making me dig deep!

Bob emoticon

PS: I think your mom was right!

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5/15/06 4:51 P

Bob - sorry about the delay...

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

I once told my mum I wanted to be a comedian - but she said people would just laugh at me...

Mick. emoticon

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5/12/06 6:59 P

Mick,

The clever joke and the skeleton did crack me up. Since I've pulled myself together, I can pass on a few.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The location of the dirt bag.

Today was a very positive day, I liked it! Have a fantastic weekend!

Bob emoticon

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5/12/06 2:09 P

Okay, I searched the web for a few more top quality jokes - they're so funny you'll split your sides laughing [good excuse to do some aerobics until you get a stitch...]

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick

Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.

Heh heh heh... Mick.

POPEYETHETURTLE SparkPoints: (218,246)
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5/11/06 8:59 P

Wow! A counter post only 6 minutes after my post. You are a formidable person.

It's been a rough day, I only have one for tonight:

Q What do you call four bullfighters who get stuck in quicksand?
A. Quatro sinco!

Bob emoticon

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5/10/06 6:05 P

lol - only a limited number of people have such a weird sense of humour! - and Leeds is not too far away from me so who knows!

Mick.

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5/10/06 5:59 P

Q. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
A. Dam

Q. What do Eskimoes get while ice-fishing and sitting on the ice?
A. Polaroids.

Q. What do you call a boomarang that doesn't work?
A. A stick.

Q. What is the politically correct term for Santa's helpers?
A. Subordinate clauses.

Hey Heyworth!

My grandfather was from Leeds and I know that's in England. With your sence of humor as good as mine, you don't suppose we could be related?

Bob emoticon

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5/10/06 2:50 P

Q) How do you make a hot dog stand?
A) Steal its chair.

Q) What's round and bad-tempered?
A) A vicious circle.

Q) Where do you find a no legged dog?
A) Right where you left him.

A fish staggers into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. The fish croaks "Water..."
emoticon

POPEYETHETURTLE SparkPoints: (218,246)
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5/9/06 6:56 P

Q. What do you call an Arab dairy farmer?
A. A milk sheikh.

Q. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A. Cliff

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in the freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. What do you call an ugly dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An air bag.


Bob emoticon

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5/5/06 6:57 A

lol...

Q. What do you call a man with a shovel on his head?
A. Doug.

Q. What do you call a man without a shovel on his head?
A. Douglas.

Q. Whats grey and white on the inside, and red on the outside?
A. An elephant turned inside out.

Q.Whats the difference between a horse and a snowball?
A.They're both brown except for the snowball.

a short guy walks into the butchers shop. The butcher looks down at him and says "I bet you 20 you can't reach down the meat from that shelf up there." The short guy replies, "No, the steaks are too high."

SWEET_PEA_AT_IU Posts: 40
5/4/06 9:21 P

What do you call a Mexican Basketball Tourney?
Juan on Juan

What did the Mexican Firefighter name his sons?
Jose' and Jos"b"

Edited by: SWEET_PEA_AT_IU at: 5/4/2006 (21:21)
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5/3/06 3:21 P

Quality (in a way). Those were some good jokes!

Here are some more of my worst:

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
-Cliff

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
-Jack

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
-No eyed deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
-Still no eyed deer

What do you call a man with no ears?
-Whatever you want - he won't hear you.

Sorry everyone lol - Mick.

POPEYETHETURTLE SparkPoints: (218,246)
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5/2/06 4:19 P

Oh my, I bet you like puns, also.

Be warned, if you're easily offended, don't read any further. These jokes are all politically incorrect and obnoxious.

These are similar to your "What do you call" jokes.

Q: What's the name of the girl who has only one leg, just watching at the dance?"
A: Ilene

Q: "What's the name of the Japanese girl with only one leg and just watching at the dance?"
A: Irene

Q: "What's the name of the guy in the pool with leprosy?"
A: Stew

Q: "What's the name of the guy with no arms or legs who fell off the cruise ship into the ocean?"
A: Bob

From: Bob.........What, you didn't think I could take a joke?
emoticon

HEYWORTH83 SparkPoints: (0)
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4/15/06 5:23 P

Anyone know any really bad (short) jokes, such as the ones I have posted below:

1.
What do you call the Mexican that lost his car?

-Carlos

2.
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

-Roberto

3.
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

-Justice Fingers

4.
John: 'Hey, Fred, you have a banana in your ear!'
Paul: 'What!?'
John: 'I said you have a banana in your ear!'
Paul: 'I can't hear you-I have a banana in my ear...'

Sorry emoticon

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