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| i can not really tell you what to do but if i was you i would go with my heart or my feelings which ever comes first,but really it is up to you.
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SILLYMOMOF2BOYS
5/5/08 1:24 P
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| I have been where you are (I think every married woman has). I ditto the idea of counseling. It really helped me and then it really helped us. Once I went and started to really open up to myself and how I felt about things, my husband started to see how I was changing and wanted to do the same.
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Just checking in to see how you are?
Hopefully, things are better for you and your daughter.
I did not read that your husband said that in front of your daughter. Mine thankfully when he said that is too young to know what all the words are. (under 2).
Wow he either really does not understand or is very absorbed in his life right now.
I am truly sorry to hear that and do hope that you and your daughter find peace, how ever that comes. Threats cannot and should not continue and no one (and I mean no one) should need to be "perfect" for the other person to stay.
hugs and here's to hoping that things are or are getting better.
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BLUEHENGRAD
5/5/08 11:27 A
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I can see this from two perspectives. I am divorced, and I grew up in a household with parents who fought more often than not. Seperation and divorce seem like the worst thing that can happen when it is looming ahead of you. You need to take a look at the possible outcomes. What would be different about your life? Would the things in your life that make you happy now still be in your life? Would those things that make you unhappy still be in your life? Believe me, divorce was not a part of my vocabulary until my ex told me he wanted one. At the time I thought I would not make it through the pain. However, I will be divorced three years this week and am happier, emotionally healthier, and stronger than I have been in a long time. I am not suggesting divorce, but you have to do what is right and best for you and your daughter.
As for your daughter, I can say that it is hell to see and/or hear your parents fight all of the time. I used to beg my dad to divorce my mom so it would stop. Many of my childhood memories of my parents are of fights. I also found in my early relationships that I would act as my parents had when upset or angry. I had to find healthier ways to work through problems with significant others. I think you are doing a wonderful thing by taking yourself and your daughter to talk to a counselor! Good luck to you. You deserve happiness.
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MELMORTON30
5/2/08 9:28 A
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| You know some people just like being left alone too, like me, I guess I am the "man" in the relationship, I have alot of things put on me and my Husband goes to work, comes home and relaxes and complains when I ask him to go to the store or put the kids to bed, I have financial stress, the kids, work, the gym and by the end of the day I want to be a vegetable and not even think, not everyone can be perfect and I will never be Donna Reed or June Cleaver and your Hubby will never be Ward, no one is perfect and if you are not happy with him, make yourself happy, go places, take an extra long walk, if you have kids take them out of the house and let sleeping or computer playing dogs lie! This will pass, it comes and goes for me every day, trust me and I have not even been married as long as some of you, we are goin gon 8 years in October
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MELMORTON30
5/2/08 9:00 A
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| How are things now? I am having the 7 year itch, well it happened at 7 years we seemed to work it out and now again it seems we are back to were we were a year ago, same problems. I use my work outs to get the frustration out it does help!
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| It seems like you have received a lot of adivce here. I would offer some caution about separation. I think that separation can be a very helpful tool in some situation. The problem for me is that marriage problems are not typically solved outside the relationship. If you are separating in order to get more affection, or to make him miss you and realize the error of his ways, this does not make sense. A separation can be useful if both peoeple involved are willing to use it to work on their own issues and meet regularly during the separation to discuss some of the "revelations." As a counselor, I have used this several times before. At the beginning of the separation no decision is made for or against the relationship until a set date (like 6 therapy sessions later). At that time you can decide to stay, leave or give it more time. This is called a structured separation. Most other types of separation are aimless and usually just the first step toward divorce. I hope you will be successful in your marriage regardless of what you end up deciding. Here is another book recomendation: Love and Respect by Richard Eggerich. Talks about how women want to feel loved and men respected. There's a big difference. Blessings.
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SKINNYELTTEN
4/30/08 10:45 A
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I agree, I would suggest Marriage counseling. I work for a divorce attorney and having a neutral party listen to both sides and help improve communication between you both can really be a huge help!
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VALPO1997
4/30/08 10:19 A
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The base for any relationship is what works for you. A lot of women find themselves comparing husbands with their friends. Well x friends husband does this, why does mine not?!?!?!
To have a relationship work it is important to understand what is important to you and to your spouse as well. It is not important to compare your relationship to another. For me 50/50 would never work. Not only because of my DH, but because of me. I am a bit of a control freak and for me to "share" these responsibilities with DH would be silly because I would just go back and redo it. Which would offend/aggrevate him and make me mad. So, I skip it.
When I posted to this thread it was in the beginning of the book, which I still am. I'm human mind you... But the principles have been working quite well. Yes there are days where we snip at each other, but those are fewer and far between.
We had a little snip earlier this week, but it did not continue to the next day or into the evening like it use to. It happened it was over and it got done. Before that the last time was a lot longer about 3 weeks I think.
So, for now life is calmer and a lot less stressful. I find myself wanting to come home to him and miss him when he is not there. Like it was in the beginning.
I am not saying that this book will cure it all or is a miricle, but it can help address somethings.
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| I bought and read a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It was what I wanted to hear, but the gist of the book was right. Please get it and read it.
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SUNGIRL_JB
4/28/08 1:53 P
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| I appreciate all the thoughts and advice that you all offer. My husband threatened to leave again last Thursday night so I told him to be my guest. I didn't call him or try to get him to stay. He returned Friday and said he wanted to stay the weekend so we could talk. We have yet to have that "talk" and it's Monday. The weekend overall was pretty calm. But here I am thinking, "why did he come back and how does he think we will resolve our issues if he doesn't actually talk to me about it?" I found a book that was advertised I think on this website called Love Must Be Tough. I think I'm going to try the advice given (and I hate to say it but most likely WHEN it happens again). I'm an emotional wreck when he acts like that so I wrote an email (he gets email on his phone) that basically says that I want to seperate, he's disrespected me enough, and if and when he wants to be a loving husband to me we can talk. Should this happen again I'm going to hold tough and not let him just wander back in the next day after saying he wants out and act like nothing happened. I'll make him stay gone for awhile and see how I feel and how he feels once we have time apart. I don't want the rest of my life spent with him treating me with no respect. I have also made an appointment with a psychologist to get out my feelings and also for my daughter to let out her feelings. My daughter has been in the middle of this for a long time and I regret that more than anything. She shouldn't have to hear her dad threaten to leave all the time. I should have stopped it long ago but I can't change the past.
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| Have you tried to calmly tell him how you feel when he loses his temper at you? Sometimes they don't always know that they are hurting your fellings. He may not be trying to make you angry.
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SHEBA14721
4/25/08 7:52 P
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Until I found this thread I was starting to think I was the only woman married to a man who starts fights for no reason that I am aware of. He started one tonight. I came home from school (teacher) and I was a little later then normal because I had to stop at the store and pick children up from grandma's because for some crazy unknown reason he can't. Anyway I was trying to have a conversion with him and that went real well, he started getting angry and rude and yelling at me, and I have no idea why. We have been together for 8 years married 4. I am so tired of living this way that I am ready to tell him to get out, actually tonight I told him "If you are so unhappy with me then leave" I am only 31 yrs old and don't want to live in this type of environment anymore. I love him but when he's like this I just want to get out, I don't deserve it. He's already had one failed marriage and I would have thought he would have learned something from that failure, but I guess not, because he's on the edge of being divorced twice. Are children are 7 and 2 yrs old and I don't want them to think this is what a marriage is suppose to be like.
He hates his job, I've told him to find something else, but he doesn't just takes out his hate of his job on me. He also drinks when he gets home from work, he didn't do that when we first got together, that started about 5 yrs ago. I don't know, like I said I do love him but. He have dinner at 6 and then he goes to bed by 7:30pm at the latest. I feel like I am already a single parent so why not make that a reality.
ANyway thanks, I just needed to vent.
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Well, are you being the wife you would want to come home to? Just looking at him from a different perspective. My SIL is very nagging towards her husband and even in the 8 years that I've known them, I've watched her hubby sink deeper and deeper into depression as well as the bottle. She is constantly at him and ripping his head off for any transgression. It's easy as an outsider to see the problem but she simply can't.
Start trying to act more loving and kind. Spend some time with him in his activities and hobbies. Take an interest in him when he walks in the door. Try to be his girlfriend again. It will be difficult at first and he'll wonder what it is you are up to but it will get better unless he really has a medical reason.
Be sure to compliment him. Make him feel like a man.
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CATERINGWHIMSEY
4/23/08 4:46 P
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I agree that often talking just makes the issues worse. My husband suffers from low self-esteem and depression. If it were up to him, each and every one of his days would be exactly the same. He would eat the same foods, do the same job, intereact with the same people. He talks a lot about change but I seldom see action.
Have you tried asking your husband what could draw you two closer to gether again?
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SUNGIRL_JB
4/23/08 12:02 P
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| I would love to read the book if you could get me the title and author so I could go pick it up. And it's not that I don't think he's frustrated with me (I'm sure he is) but there are so many other things going on with him that I didn't even write because it would have turned into a novel. His unhappiness goes way beyond me. He wants out of his business (he works for himself) but doesn't feel like he can get out (even though I've told him I'd take care of things while he finds another job). He had a hard childhood, he has 2 kids that he has never met and didn't even know he had till after we were married (and it's not because of me he has never met them), his family (mom, stepdad, sis) constantly comes to him in need of money, and the list goes on and on. That is why I say it isn't as simple him being unhappy with me. We can be getting along and he will pick a fight because he is in a bad mood about something else. Anyway, I appreciate the advice you gave.
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VALPO1997
4/23/08 11:09 A
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I am currently reading a book on divorce busting ways. I can get the exact title and author, if you would like.
The book focus on similar situations to what you are describing and does not teach you how to "talk" to each other. It teaches you how to address the issue and apply a fix.
Communication while important is not going to solve the issue, it teaches you have to communicate more nasty things to each other.
I laugh at this because like many of the posters here have said it is a communication issue. I thought so as well with my marriage and thought that we were not understanding each other and needed to talk more. However, it just made things worse. We talked more and communicated the issues to death and got frustrated and mad and said mean and nasty things, like you have mentioned.
I am in the beginning of this book, but it seems to be making sense with as far as I have gotten.
Cannot tell you if it has made an impact on our relationship because he is starting his own business and is not around a lot right now.
And I caution thinking that he is depressed because he may just be frustrated with you as he has said. My husband thought and voiced that and I am not. I was just unhappy with him and how he was towards me.
I am definately not saying that our relationship is perfect and "fixed", but the biggest thing is that we are trying to make a difference with us. We are looking at what makes the other person happy and trying to keep doing that over and over again.
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| Yet another suggestion for counseling. If he won't go at first - go by yourself to learn more effective communication techniques. Really what can it hurt to try?
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Sounds like your husband isn't himself. You said he is unhappy and sounds like he gets angry quickly.
I work in the medical field. I have noticed that men in who have had depression express their emotions with anger because it is the safest emotion to express. I agree with the previous postings of seeking counselling. It is a good start to find the root of the problems you two are having.
Here is a link with signs & symptoms of depression.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=2
I wish you all the best.
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APINKROSE
4/22/08 11:18 P
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Hi there,
I do agree that counselling is definitely in order but not just for both of you. If he won't go it is something you need to consider for YOURSELF.
I was in a similar situation to you years ago with my husband of 11 years (we had been together 15) and I went to counselling - he wouldn't come..he didn't have any problems..or so he said!
Counselling let me see that I was important and deserved respect from someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally for the REST OF MY LIFE!
Now I'm not saying what your outcome will be but I do think you two have lost your respect for each other and thus the yelling and goings on.
Take care of yourself and your relationship will work itself out.
By the way I did decide to end the marriage and have found my partner for life who treats me the way I've always known someone who loved me should.
Good luck,
Hugz
Monique
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SHYVIOLET
4/22/08 10:46 P
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I would suggest Marriage counseling. Having a neutral party listen to both sides and help improve communication between you both can really be a huge help!
I was once on the verge of leaving my husband and marriage counseling really improved our communication skills and our ability to really discuss what needed to be discussed. And today we have 2 kids and are pretty happy - not perfect mind you - but we do have the skills we need to discuss what bothers us before it becomes a rift between us :)
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SUNGIRL_JB
4/22/08 7:35 P
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Brief History...
Husband and I have been married 17 years in September of this year. We use to be inseparable. Now my husband hides behind his computer working or playing with pictures in photoshop (he loves photography). Our biggest fights have always been about how much he works.
I truly don't believe my husband has ever cheated but our fights consist of him yelling, calling names, leaving (and on more than one occasion going to a hotel for the night so he didn't have to finish a fight), and threatening divorce.
He says he can't talk to me. I'm not perfect, I know that, but I don't know why he says that. He likes to tell me what I'm thinking or what I mean by something. I feel like I have to preface everything I say to him so he doesn't take what I say wrong and that doesn't even work most of the time. He thinks I'm the root of all his misery and I don't know why. If you were to ask him what I've ever done to really hurt him he would say that I give him a bad time because he works too much and I want to spend time with him and that he doesn't like the sound of my voice when we disagree on something. Does that justify what I get in return? I know it doesn't.
I've thought about separating with him in hopes that he would see that he is unhappy with a lot of things and I'm not the cause of his misery. From there I guess I hope he'd see he needs to focus on the real problems and quit trying to put it all on me. I feel bad. As nasty and mean as he is, I want to help him. He isn't happy. But when we are getting along he isn't happy then either. He use to like to do things and have fun. Money isn't an issue. We could get by just fine with him working less.
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