Thanks for all the great info everyone, its great so hear other peoples expierence. Keep the advice coming.
MIREBAH 11/27/07 1:29 P
So sorry it has taken me so long to respond, my bf has been in the hospital with severe pnuemonia, with a possible TB scare!
he is doing better.
I get along really good well his children. I didn't meet them until earlier this year because I was afraid that they wouldn't accept me (They are Greek, I'm African American), but they did. I'm sure them having time to grow up and better understand the volatile realtionship between their parents made it easier to accept me.
I thought the daughter would be really difficult, but surprisingly she has really been fantastic about everything.
Thanks for all the great info everyone, its great to hear other peoples expierence. Keep the advice coming.
ROSALIE68 11/24/07 9:52 P
i will be a step mom in march of a 4 year old little boy. but i have been in his life since he was born. so we dont really have issues. i think u will do just fine. i was 18 when my parents divorced and my dad remarried pretty soon after. i understood everything that happened with him and my mom so i didnt have a problem with him getting married. she is a very nice woman. and yah, like the other person that posted i still say my dads wife. but i guess its just a habit not out of being rude. my younger sisters that were 13 and 15 werent so upset with her, but had a hard time adjusting to my mothers husband. he moved in with my mom. but i honestly think its b/c they didnt understand the divorce. it kinda came out of no where. it sounds like u know what to do. the kids sound pretty responsible. thats really good that the 19 yr old is in college. how has your relationship been with them so far? well good luck with everything. it is hard to go from just u to 3 more ppl in the same house. my step son comes here for the summers being that we are a few states away and every year it is an adjustment. but we all get along and he has two brothers here when he comes. good luck! rosalie
FROGGIEBEAR 11/24/07 7:16 A
You sound like you have the right approach. It is not your job to decipling the kids and you want to respect them, give them the respect they deserve and you will get it back. I am the (step)mom of two wonderful kids, I started dating their dad when they were 7 and 9 (six and a half years ago) I won my daughter over easily, she really needed a female role model. My son on the other hand was an uphill battle in the beginning, he really didn't trust women and it took me a year to get to the point where we weren't butting heads all the time, I really had to work for his trust. The kids call me mom out of choice,(they did it when they were ready)and yes you do have to worry about their mom, my best advice is to stay out of that too. Let their dad do all the in between on that one. You have the right attitude, I'm sure you'll do fine. It takes a special person to be a step-parent, you should be proud.
SNOWKAT 11/21/07 11:25 A
No need to be sorry.
Once again...good luck to you.
MIREBAH 11/21/07 10:52 A
I'm sorry you feel that way, I don't feel like I read too much into what you wrote. You said I needed to set boundries and my point is I don't feel it is my place to set boundries for his children.
He and I will continue to talk about what we both expect and come up with a game plan, but I feel strongly about it not being my place to create rules for his children to live by. The rules he has now are great. Personally, I think alot of people screw up in situations like this by trying to assume a role that is not theirs to play.
SNOWKAT 11/21/07 10:32 A
wow - obviously my message did not come across clearly, seems you read a bit too much into it.
Good Luck and congratulations on the new house.
MIREBAH 11/21/07 10:16 A
His daughter is the 19 yearold. She has only 1 year left to complete for her undergrad degree, from there she will go to lawschool. She also has a job and is very responsible.
there have to be rules and boundries, yes, but it is their fathers job to set those, not me. I am NOT their mother, that is the job of the parent.
I am not interested in coming in and trying to create new rules for them. As long as they respect me, my relationship with their father and help around the house (as they have been w/ their father), I have no complaints.
I completely agree with being thier friend and not their buddy. But I dont think it is my job to go about this like in a way that says "i'm older, and Im your dads new wife, so that makes me sort of your mom....do as I say!" I'm sure that would do nothing but start a war!
SNOWKAT 11/21/07 9:21 A
A 19 year old is not a child, so you really need to set some boundries. As in...does he need a job, should he pay rent (even a nominal charge), what about parties in your home hosted by your step son, laundry, should he go to school, is there a curfew, how about chores around the house, etc.
The 14 year old need boundries too, but not quite as many - but there should be expectations (maintain a B average in school, clean their room, help with laundry,dinner, cleanup.
The best bet is to be their friend, but not their 'buddy' if you know what I mean. You still are the adult who needs to be the position of authority.
Good luck!!!
MIREBAH 11/20/07 12:12 P
Thanks for the advice. I think we're going to be alright. He has very high expectations of his children, although he gives his son (14) more freedom. He and I have been talking alot about respect and that he has to make it very clear to his children that being disrespectful will not be tolerated. I will not ever try to be their mother, they have one. I want to be their friend and you're right, I will be their fathers wife and thats ok with me.
congrats on 32 years of marriage, I hope I will be able to say the same on day.
with regard to your sister and the issue of money, she should really grow up! If your parents remained together and had another child, guess what...there would be less money! I am blessed that my bf makes a pretty good living so his children have more than enough. Not only that, I too work full-time and make a pretty good living myself. I dont think money will be an issue, however, if it is, his kids will have to learn to get over it.
He has great kids and Im absolutely sure they would adore having a yonger brother or sister. I think it could be a bit of jealousy because of the time he will have with the new babies that he didnt have when they were growing up (he is an immagrant and worked really hard), but outside that, I think it will be just fine.
~~BUG~~ 11/20/07 11:13 A
I think it is easier for a man to be a step father than a woman to be a step mother. My husband married me with 4 half grown kids. 15,13,8 & 6 years old. The two older were girls and the younger being boys. The first thing would be to make sure you both have the same style of discipline. With older teenagers you get a different set of problems. My husband loves my kids and my kids love my husband and my grandchildren and great grandchildren don't even know he's not related. There were times I had to pull him aside and tell him he was being too harsh but he listened and would lighten up. By the way we have been married 32 years. The stricter your husband has been (not extreme)on his kids, the easier it will go. If he allows them to disrespect you, it will be very difficult.
TERRIT11 11/19/07 3:20 P
Hi,
First, I want to wish you luck *Good Luck*. I think that the older the step children are the harder the transition is. I myself have a step daughter who is now 5 but I have been in her life since she was 1 and she considers me her mom. On the other side, my father got remarried when I was 19 and my sisters 17 and 21 and all of us still living at home for atleast part of the year while going to college. My advice to you is to not refer being a "step mom" as a big responsibility and depending on the kids you may not want to use the term "step mom" at all. My dad's wife is just that "his wife", she is not my step mom. I know that sounds "bratty" but that's the way it is. She is a very nice woman and I have nothing against her but she's not a mom figure in the slightest. I respect her a lot because she's known good boundaries and has never tried to act like a mom. One thing I did hate was that she moved in and totally redecorated but since you'll be moving into a new house you are probably better off. Also, be prepared for conflict regarding money. I know my older sister in particular often said she'd be very angry if my dad had more kids as he still had financial responsbilities to us. I'm not saying she's right, its just something to keep in mind.
I don't want to scare you away at all, just thought I'd give you the "step child" view to help better prepare you:). I hope I've helped.
-Terri
MIREBAH 11/16/07 9:13 A
Thanks, you really helped put my mind at ease. I know their mom will probably be a problem, however, I dont know how big of a problem she can be, the kids aren't exactly babies.
I've been really worried about the transition from living alone for all these years to having an instant family. It's a huge responsiblility and I just want to really be someone they respect and trust. I don't want Spiro and i to ever fight about the kids.
tell me, you say it was a struggle, in what way?
RYNHALMOM 11/16/07 1:17 A
i have an 8 yr old step son, there was really no problem at all with him......its his momma i got to watch out for, what a pain in the neck!
STEPHANNA1 11/16/07 12:21 A
I have 3 step kids. Although the oldest was 13 and the youngest 22 months (I was 26) it still was hard. And we "battle" that everyday. Mostly because of my son. He is the only one of 5 that is not my husbands. I have really not personally had a problem. I love his kids as if they were mine. i think you need to share your feelings with them and dont bottle it up. You might be surprised by their take on the situation. Oh by the way my husband is 10 1/2 yrs older than me. We have been married 10 years and together for 11 1/2. You can do it!!!
MIREBAH 11/15/07 10:43 A
My bf and I have been together for 3 years now and come January plan to move into my apt together until our house reno is complete in April, then his two children (ages 19 & 14) will join us.
Im terribly nervous about this. I love him and his children are great and I've heard so many horrior stories, but deeep down I want this to work. I plan to start a family with this man and I dont want his children to be upset or....I dont know! He is 18 years older than me and Im closer in age to his daughter than to him. They don't seem to care, but I wonder it this will change once we are all living together.
anyone else have step-children? how old were the children and was it tough merging the family together?
