Oh great-I have a daughter that is almost 13....I don't know if I can handle two of them at the same time.
We pretty much told him he was on his own at this point. My dad will still come and help him with homework, but we aren't going to harp on him anymore.
I had a discussion with him this last weekend. We discussed, I didn't yell. He doesn't admit to anything being wrong. He likes my husband. We spent time together thru the afternoon.
I already agreed to the IPod. The counsler I talked to said to use shorter term goals. Maybe I went overboard with it, but it's something he really wants and I refuse to buy one or let him spend his money on it. He has turned all his homework in this week. He only has one poor grade right now and he will need to get all his classes up to B's to get the money. I gave him a couple weeks of turning homework in on time to bring his grades up.
He had a late assingment from three weeks ago that he hadn't turned in. It's been done, he just can't remember to turn it in. I told him Monday if he didn't turn it in Tuesday he was folding all the laundry. He didn't-he started folding 5 loads of laundry last night. Of course that turned into a battle, but he's folding. This weeks homework has been done so far.
BYJULY 10/25/07 2:29 A
OMG same situation here! Just switch the 14yr old boy into a 14 yrs old girl. Except she didn't meet here father until a few years ago. I let that happen and now I'm paying the price. He lies to her all the time, twists everything to suit him, goes against everything I do or say. I have as little contact with him as I possibly can. I grounded her, he picked her up for the weekend, and her friends............yup knight in shining armour that one. Anyways I understand where you are coming from. Here's what I have been learning and here is my advise-
1. By no means reward him for doing his homework. They are brillant masterminds of manipulation. Once he figures it out he will find out other ways for you to pay him. He doesn't need a sticker every time he goes potty. If you want use a reward system for report cards only and leave it at that. So much for every A, so much for every B, ect. I did this with my daughter a few years back. In order to get a good grade, homework will have to be done, as well as studying. One nice little package, otherwise you could end up paying through the you know what.
Its so hard because they are not children anymore, but not adults. My son is only 8 so I don't know how boys are at 14, but whew! girls are tough. My daughter will go a week without a word to me, then the next day we are best friends. Go figure. But what I have learned is that they like to be treated like adults and sometimes like children.
So sit him down and have a talk with him. Tell him you know that he knows his education is important to him. Tell him that the both of you know homework needs to be done. I'm not sure if you meant late as in late at night, or late handing it in. Let him feel that you think he is responsible enough to get his homework done by himself. Let him know that when he gets home, or when you get home he is to tell you what he has for homework that night, and he is to show you his completed homework before bed. That way he has the responsibilty to do it, the freedom to do it at his lesure, and all you have to do is make sure it is done before bed. It will be hard not to remind him he has homework, but try not to. They have been in school a long time, its not like they don't know. I wouldn't sit him at the table. Because of self esteem at this age, he will just pull away from you and resent you for treating him like a child. Let go a little and let him step up. Its a give and take at this age. My daughter is responsible for her homework. Sometimes it doesn't get done until late, 10:30 or 11. Then she tells me how tired she is the next day and how she has to go to bed earlier. Trust me they know. Letting him step up and do his part will only prepare him to do so in the years to come. It may be getting late and you know its not done and you just want to say something, DON'T. He needs this, its something he needs to do for himself. Hopefully it will eventually be routine.
In the event it all goes to hell and he still refuses to do it, sit him at the table and have him do it. Let him know the oppertunity was there for him to do it his way and its not working, so for now he will do it your way. You will try again in a month. And please, do try again. It is important that you let that oppertunity be there for him.
And lastly, they are still children and thrive on every compliment, high five, good job we throw at them. So if he does come around encourage like there is no tomarrow. I didn't realize this was so long! I wish you well, and good luck.
IRONTHUNDER 10/21/07 9:42 A
Rather then giving him money towards his ipod, I'd suggest you start a point system. He gets points when he does his homework without you nagging and looses them if stuff gets turned in late. Set a reasonable goal and tell him that if he's over the goal at the end of the school year, you'll buy him the ipod. Hopefully, this will motivate him to get his homework done without you nagging. But don't forget to catch him being good.
If the situation between you and your ex are as bad as you say then I would continue to pursue the counciling. It can only help.
CARROLLKR 10/19/07 12:10 P
No, I don't take offense at all. I realize that he does have issues. That's why he went to counseling last year. There were no issues that came out of it, and his homework improved. I do want to get him back into it just in case he does want to discuss it with someone else.
His dad and I went thru an ugly divorce 5 years ago. His dad hates me and calls me names, and is a basicly a jerk when it comes to me. I very rarely say anything bad about their dad. Sometimes I will say he doesn't make the best decisions, which they recognize. His dad is handicapped and has lots of health issues to go along with his negative outlook on life. It's just a bad situation overall. I just got remarried to top it all off.
I will try the talk this weekend. I may take him out for a nature walk on Sunday and see what we can discuss.
CHRISTIY 10/19/07 11:28 A
I don't know if I may be out of line with this...but it sounds like that there is a bigger issue than late homework. Study habits are established at a young age, but at age 14, it shouldn't be too late to help him establish one...only if he is willing.
If he continuously hands in his homework late, then he obviously doesn't care about the bad grades or repercussions of his actions or inactions.
I've tutored many students...those with good and bad grades. I've noticed that the students with poor grades usually had a deeper issue that instigated the "don't care" attitude. Instead of trying to punish/reward him for doing/not doing his homework, perhaps a sit down talk and a heart-to-heart will be a better start? I'm afraid that if you reward him for doing his homework on time, you'll get a negative result in showing you son that if he fails to do what he should have done from the beginning, that he will get rewarded for doing what he should've been doing all along.
I hope that I didn't offend you in what I said.
CARROLLKR 10/19/07 8:57 A
My son is 14 and will not do his homework until it is late. It is a constant struggle everyday. We get him caught up and then he does the same thing again. I've tried grounding him, no tv, no cell phone etc. His dad won't even speak to me. Even if he did he would do opposite of what I asked. So there is no support when he goes to his dad's house.
I switched jobs, which changed my insurance. The counslor he went to last year is not on our plan. I don't want to pay my deductible this late in the year. I tried to get a high school Big Brother last year, they still can't find him one. This is the third year we've gone thru this.
My next two steps to try are:
1. Make him sit at the table for an hour every night whether he has homework or not.
2. Offer a weekly allowance so he can get the ipod that he wants. I refused to let him spend his money on one. So I thought this might be an option. He wants one badly. He could get so much money for each class that he does his homework timely in. If he does all of them he can get a bonus.
Any other ideas or suggestions? I'm at wits end with him.
