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THEBETTERJO
7/31/07 9:09 A
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| I was in a similar situation. My exhusband was insecure. He was constently accusing me of trying to look good for other guys if I got dressed up or even put on make-up. This is a sign of being in an emotional abusing relationship. Counseling may be a very good idea for the two of you.
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| Well said Samantha! Well said.
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SAMANTHAJONES0
7/27/07 4:34 P
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I have to chime in here. My ex husband was very insecure and so he never complimented me, only cut me down. I didn't realize it at the time but it was because he was so afraid I'd figure out that he wasn't a wonderful man and I'd go looking for someone else.
It is a jealousy thing when you don't get the support and compliments but get the exact opposite. I can't tell you how to handle it other than to aknowledge that to them, it is a real fear of losing you. Unfortunately, if you aren't careful, it can turn into way worse than just a fear and you can find yourself sucked in to a controlling, manipulative, relationship, all because you are trying to keep the peace.
If you can, try to address the issues with your husbands before they get out of hand. I ended up actually looking for validation from other men and it landed me in a world of hurt. All I really wanted was my own husband to love me in a healthy way.
Good luck.
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| Ive expereinced it from my DH as well. He had a bike that he has never ridden. Then I saw a great deal at a yard sale, bought myself a bike, and he has been going riding with me. I asked him to go to dinner. I eyeballed the right portion for myself, and then ate only that. The rest I packed up and took home. The teens ate that for a snack. I told him it was important for me: I feel better and have loads more patience because I am exercising. I invited him to go to the gym with me, and to come early so we could go to the trainer together. he hasn't taken me up on it yet, but I want him to feel included. I am not out doing anything that he couldn't participate in if he wanted to. (Besides, if I feel really good about my body, he might get to enjoy it more!!)
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i don't have too much marriage experience but we've been living together for 5 yrs. DH is not insecure but is not complimenting me too often either. He did say a while ago that i've lost a lot of weight and i look good but that was abt it.
men are so...curious and weird. if we don't compliment them , it's bad, but when we expect something in return, it's not going to happen.
he did say one day that i should not worry abt how i look since other men don't have to look at me. seriously, i don't dress to attract men but...what was that abt?!
he is always talking abt me wt his colleagues at work and i know he is complimenting me (b/c i have friends among those ppl LOL).
i think you should talk to your DH and explain that you haven't changed your feelings for him and that you won't leave him or cheat on him. maybe find a way to do more things together
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FATKITTY68
7/22/07 11:36 A
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I don't have any advice but to say I'm sorry your husband is acting like this. I think it is very common. Their insecurity gets in the way of a relationship and they feel that by making you feel bad they can hold onto you. Don't fall for it. Can you get him to enjoy working out with you? You can have that be your thing to do together.
Oh how I wish my husband would do it. We have a gym membership and he has NEVER once gone. Frustrating.
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| My husband is the same...he's overweight and as soon as I lose weight, he has a hard time remembering that I love him no matter his size. Insecurity is a horrible thing, for both of us...I always hope that my good habits might rub off on him (my getting better habits as I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination). It bugs me sometimes when he's thinking that I would 'cheat' on him, since it's a slight to my character, but I remind myself it's his own insecurity that's speaking, and not really about me. I kind of feel sorry for him really, as I'd never leave him for anyone, let alone cheat. Wish he'd remember that when my weight is at it's ideal.
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OUTOFCONTROL
7/13/07 6:11 P
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| Thanks for responding. I know that his own ill health is part of it. He's not very overweight, but he has high cholesterol and his doctor has been trying to get him to exercise for years. He bought an elliptical and never uses it. He never feels good. I think you're right though, I just need to tell him that I feel better than I ever have before and I finally have something in my life that makes me feel great about myself (running), and it hurts me when he makes those comments.
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Hi Michelle. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Esp. at a time where you are probably feeling like celebrating your success! I have a cousin who went through something similar with her husband. I don't know if your husband is out of shape, but hers was and when she lost 40 pounds it really got to him. He was constanly asking her if she was going to leave now that she was skinny, suggesting they go out to eat (almost like sabotaging her), etc. It was really hard for her to deal with and she kept reassuring him, but she also let him know how important this was to her. I know eventually he came around and ended up following in her footsteps and lost over 70 pounds! She never said anything to him about his weight but I think he realized how much being healthy matters - more so as we get older.
I think I just rambled a whole lot, but I just wanted to pop in and share that story with you. I think honesty is the best policy in a relationship and if it were me, I would sit him down away from everything else and explain all this means to me, how proud I am of my success and how much I didn't think I could do it without him! Change is hard for people to accept and right now you are changing. Maybe if he understands all of that, he'll join you in your journey.
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OUTOFCONTROL
7/13/07 5:13 P
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| I don't usually post on this board, but I just have to vent somewhere. My husband is getting so irritating with his rude comments and insecurity. He is always saying things to the effect that now that I've lost weight I will be looking for someone else. He has never complimented me. He compliments how I used to be, not how I am now. He admits that he's insecure, but he won't do anything to make himself feel better. He just wants to put me down. He even told his friend not to compliment me because it will go to my head. We have been together almost 8 years and have had our ups and downs, but I just wonder where this is all coming from and why he can't support me.
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