Sounds like you made the right decision to me. No one needs to be verbally abused like that. After long enough, you start to believe what he says, and then it takes a long time to build yourself back up. I speak from experience! There WILL be someone else out there who loves you for you, regardless of your weight or anything else. I finally left because I realized that I did not want my son to learn that it was OK for men to speak to women the way his father spoke to me.....now I have a great husband and a wonderful situation.
And about the money, you should absolutely demand it. You didn't make that baby alone, and you shouldn't have to pay for him alone either. Your child should not have to go without because his father doesn't feel like contributing.
Good luck to you....it will all work out.
ONLYGIRL 5/27/07 10:28 P
Run-don't walk away from him. Sounds like abuse to me.
WHATSLEFT 5/27/07 9:17 A
definitely
MEGMEGRYRY 5/26/07 12:27 A
LICELOT13 gave some good advice I would follow
LICELOT13 5/23/07 11:07 P
hi there! well from my personal experience child support is the best thing man ever created! find out in your state web site, they give tons of information about how much he is suppose to give you weekly, obviously this is based on his income. I also, recommend that if you dont have a healthy relationship with him, such as no communication what so ever, is best if you file sole custody! that's what i'm trying to do right now! you see, my kid's father picks them up every other weekend, but since last year he stop sending me the $$$$. we went to court and made an agreement but he still fail to comply with the agreement, so the last time we went to court the judge sent him to jail for 3 months or until he pays what he owes me! he lasted it 1 month and 4 days! but he paid everything! of course, i have to add that this judge is really ground to earth and she understands the situation.
the more info you have about him and his hobbies and how he spends his money and how much he makes is basic and important. this will help you! truts me! but once again i'm not a lawyer, in Mass. the state usually represents the custodial parent (most cases the mother), no need to pay them, everything is tru them! but information is what you need.., go to your state web page and/or call the child support center, they can really help you.
I hope this info helps you a lot and give courage to do what you think is best for you and your baby.
good luck and always be prepared!
p.s. good job on losing so much weight! you should be proud of yourself!
MITCHWENDY 5/23/07 3:40 P
WOW - can I relate!
I was in a relationship that started like that, then ended up getting verbally ABUSIVE! It then escalated from there to where I did get a few bruises.
LEAVE NOW if your gut is telling you to do so. There are people out there who will support you and love you no matter what size you are...
I am now with an amazing man who supports me and the kids. It is like night and day. Follow your gut and be strong in your decision...
CAERYL 5/23/07 3:16 P
(((hugs)))
I think you need to have this man support his child. If he is not supporting his own child then you need to get the courts to do this.. This man needs to understand that there are consequences for his actions.. And if he impregnates a woman he needs to step up and take care of the child..
I think you need to put your child ahead of this man.
You should definitely be proud of your weight loss.. I have heard that some men get intimidated when their women lose weight.. maybe thinking that they are now desirable to other men. So they sabatoge their women...
you asked us how could someone who is supposed to love you treat you so poorly...? well, if he is not taking care of his child and is putting you down... hun, I don't see love..
sorry.. I hope you can figure this out... and I hope you have a safe place to go...
(((hugs)))
Caeryl
SHAUNNA_LYNN 5/23/07 1:47 P
Okay, here's my imput...
-File for child support, the father needs to help out with the cost of raising his child, regardless of how much time he chooses to be a father to his son.
-If he decides to become more of a part of your son's life, let him, as long as it is consistent and in a safe environment (no smoking around him!!), your son will benefit from a healthy relationship with his father. Sometimes it is not possible, the Dad doesn't take his role seriously, or even chooses to disregard the fact that he is a Dad at all! That is a whole other situation. But just because your relationship did not work out doesn't mean their's can't.
-And if at all possible try to make an arrangement for support and visitation privately, outside of court, that's what was done with my Step-Daughter. When you go to court the only one who wins is the lawyer. Sometimes it is the only way, but it is much better to avoid it. You can come up with a support amount that works for you and the father, and a schedual for visitaion that you both can agree on. In Canada we have a Child Suppost Guideline that sets out exactly how much a person is to pay according to their income per year. It is 10% of your yearly gross income, not what you actually take home every month. My fiance pays $350/month to his daughter's mom. According to the Guideline he should be paying more, but that amount was agreed upon outside of court, and works for both families, if he had to pay the "Guideline amount" our family would suffer tremendously and her's would be living on far more than they need.
Anyway good luck to you, it is not easy, but hopefully you can work things out in the best interest of your son. Also do your best to get some "Mommy time", a happy Mommy is a better Mommy.
SNOWKAT 5/23/07 9:43 A
Child support is about making a better life for your child - you need to file a claim.
OFIXATE 5/19/07 8:53 P
It sounds like you made the best decision by what you said. You sound glad that you got rid of this guy. Yes, definitely file for child support. Perhaps once he leave he will learn to treat you better and with more respect and you can work on your relationship but for now you don't need someone around who is constantly belittling you. You don't deserve that.
HEIDI78 5/17/07 7:57 P
its a hard situation but for a child you need to be happy. i was not happy with my daughters father which put me in major depression. after a year we broke up and it took some time but i got back to me. i required a person in my life who respects and loves. you do too! it took some time now i have some one with those qualities. thats the relationship example i want to set for my daughter. the gym shouldnt be #1. family should. put your attention toward you and your son. if he comes around and sees reality great if not oh well be strong and proud of yourself. hope it works out. people usually dont change immediatly hopefully in time he will.
NISSENSLTZ9 5/17/07 12:16 A
I would not allow someone to put such negative stuff about me out there. Whether you decide to keep him or not I would absolutely let him know that his comments are absolutely unacceptable. Remember, silence is consent, so if you don't disagree with him then you are agreeing with him---and you're daughter is watching you agree with him.
CLUKASSEN 5/16/07 11:43 P
Hey girl...congrats on the weight loss!!! And as for that baby daddy of yours...you ultimatley have to make that decision for yourself and your son. I can tell you from experience that you will be JUST FINE, maybe better off without him (I don't know him so I don't want to put him down, but from your post he doesn't seem like the ideal father or partner) I am a single mother of a 9 month old boy. When he was born, I didn't think I could do it alone, although his father never helped me either, I thought that my son would grow up better if his parents were still together. I now know better. My ex took off when my son was 3 months old and hasn't seen him since. We are better off. It's hard, I'm not going to sugar coat that! But you learn to deal. As for child support...YES! I have had zero luck with it so far, but that's a whole other story. But, he helped create a child, he should help support him as well. Anyway, good luck with your decision and feel free to vent to me all you want, I know where you're coming from.
MUSICALBABE85 5/16/07 8:11 P
First off, WTG for losing all that weight! That's a lot of hard work that deserves recognition. So Congrats!
In regards to your son's father, I think if I were in that situation, when I would have moved back in with my parents, that would have been "the breakup." You and Nathan deserve someone who is going to love you both for who you truly are, regardless of looks or whatever! I think you are doing the right thing!
JENBUG1218 5/16/07 6:05 P
U GO GIRL! Anyone that makes you feel bad or tells you something negative is just a loser. I learned that being around negative people just brings me down. Besides, I'm sure you don't want your son growing up with someone like that. Yes, you have the right to seek child support, but all I know in that department is to contact DFACS & they should help you from there. I don't think he's interested in custody. But if he is, make sure you let them know about Nathan's condition & how Jeremy lives with smoker's who REFUSE to respect your's & Nathan's health.
on the weight loss!
PAMELALYNNE 5/16/07 4:08 P
Hey everyone...
I took a BREAK from my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years. I do not need a guy who says that I am doing so good, but then tell me that I am not looking like I've lost weight. The other night, he put me down and said to me "Pamela, you will be so much more beautiful when your skinnier, but right now, your 'just-okay' beautiful!" I just wanted to hit him right then and there, but our son was watching us, and I would never do that infront of him. How could a person you are supposed to be in-love with...treat you so horriable?! Thats why I took the break. To get away from him! Has anyone gone through the same thing, or am I the only one?
I don't care what he say's, but I am damn proud of myself for losing all of that weight! Going from 205.5lbs to 164.8lbs is a big thing!
He doesn't pay for anything! Since Nathan has been born, I've paid for wipes, diapers, food, toys, clothes, doctor paymentsand he's paid nothing! Not one thing at all! He isn't there for nathan at all too. When he is, and if nathan trips and falls and stats crying, he gets so angry and says "Nathan, stop crying! Big boys don't cry." and when nathan wants to be held because he tripped, he doesn't pick him up. Jeremy (his name) thinks nathan is crying for attention. No...he's crying because he wants lovings and to be comfort!
I moved out of Jeremy's house when nathan was 6 months old because Jeremy had his parents move in and they started smoking in the house. (Sorry if I offend people who smoke, but I have to get this off my chest.) I told them to go outside, and they wouldn't. Within 2 days of them living there, Nathan went from being a happy-go-lucky boy to a sick, not wanting to do anything boy. I called Jeremy because my car was at the shop to come and get me so we could bring Nathan to the doctors. Guess what he said to me "Its all in your head pam, Nathan is fine. Besides I can't leave Kickboxing class right now, we are in the middle of playing a game!" So I called my dad, and brought Nathan to the Doctors. The doctor said that Nathan needed to be put into the hospital because he developed servere broncidus! I decided that I needed to take Nathan out of the situation asap. So I moved back in with my parents. Ever since then, He see's Nathan once a week. Jeremy says he has "Responsablility's and Priorities" to be at the kickboxing gym every single day (He doesn't get paid!) Lets just say, I haven't had "Mommy Time" In almost 2 years, where he had "Daddy Time" Every single day!
Am I blowing everything out of porportion? Or was I right to break up with him? (Thank gosh we didn't get married last december!) I would love to hear from some of you. What would you do in my situation? Would you have left sooner?
Also...should I take him to court for child-support? And if I do, what should I expect?
