I am pregnant and these thoughts still go through my head..but it's about love and about extending your life to include a child. I'm excited, nervous, terrified, exhausted and happy all at once. It doesn't make it any easier living in today's society where we constantly hear about problems, etc. A pregnant woman has to be a pure vessel these days and all of this gives us so much guilt over the end result (i.e. did my child develop a learning disorder because I had 3 glasses of wine that one night before I found out I was pregnant? Or, did I miscarry because I used anti-acne cream?) We are constantly fed all these cautions and warnings, and some are valid, but there is so much "opinion" out there that sometimes it makes pregnant women stress out too much, which is something else pregnant women need to avoid.
BOttom line, you don't know what you will get but you can be damn sure your heart has room for all kinds of love and compassion regardless of whether your child is "normal" or not!
BECCA4279 2/26/07 8:03 P
I have two daughters, one with Autism and one "normal" One really isn't any easier to live with than the other, just different challenges. With genetic disorders you can learn what to watch for and prepare for them. Most learning disabilities and metal illnesses can be treated with behavior therapy or medication. So basically even if your children aren't "normal" they can still lead fulfilling lives! Have fun deciding!
SUPERBIEN 2/24/07 3:58 P
Wow, thank you all so much for your replies! We've been talking a lot, and thinking a lot, but I appreciate hearing that other people have had these decisions, and are so positive about it. thank you!
KALAKINI 2/20/07 11:57 P
I understand your concerns and I think all mothers to be think about these things in one form or another. My husband and I were married for 9 years (together for 11) before we had our daughter. We were not in a rush to have children and there was always a reason to put having them off. We just couldn't make the concrete decision to have kids and for a while we talked about not having kids. Finally we both decided we wanted children for sure but I just couldn't stop taking that little white daily pill because I was still scared. All of the sudden I got an impulse to flush all of my pills down the toilet.
The next month we were pregnant with our daughter. She is now almost 4 years old. She has changed our life. Yes you can't go to movies or do all of the little normal things that you may have grown accustomed to. But the rewards are so much more than the losses. We have a great marriage and are very much in love with one another. But our daughter has brought this love into our life that is so incredible. Just to think that at one time we thought we would be fine not having kids. I don't know what we were thinking! Our daughter has brought so much happiness and fulfillment into our lives. I can’t imagine not having her. (And like the post below says I would take her in a wheelchair, without an arm, etc you get the picture. It doesn't matter when you love someone like that you don't care what challenges you may face.) The love for your child is truely unconditional!
We have tried to have another without any luck and according to the docs we may not get one. It does make me sad and I am not quite ready to give up. But I do know that the one I got is a gift that I am so so so thankful for.
So if you can have a child and are in a relationship that is strong enough to withstand changes (good ones and hard ones) you shouldn’t pass up on this life experience. It could be (and I think will be) the best thing you ever do!
BONAR81 2/20/07 12:47 A
I think it is normal to be afriad and worried about all these things regardless of any family history. My husband and i were together for 5 years before we got preggo, married for 4. it was a huge decision!!! i was scared but we did it because i knew that i wanted kids. i think making the decision to be responsible for someone other than yourself is huge. it takes a lot of thought.
Also the things that you mention are totally manageable. I also tend to beleive that although genetics and several other things play in to these disabilities, that the atmosphere in which a child is raised makes a HUGE difference!
i was afraid when we learned that we were having a boy because ALL the men in my family are volatile, off the wall tempers and most of them beat their wives as young men. they tend to chill out around 40. also they have little boys that are angry and have tempers. so i was afraid of this for my son. but i am very calm and mellow and so is DH. My son is the same way as us. he is reared in a loving envoronment without hitting, yelling etc so he has no example by which to learn these behaviors.
you'll know when the time is right. and it is a gamble. anyone can have a disabled child. that is something you have to accept when you make the decision to become pregnant.
and like pp mentioned, maybe consider adoption?
LEFTTOLOSE 2/18/07 6:56 P
I have two high-energy boys. Yes, they sometimes drive me crazy, but I'd not trade my life without them for anything. If they had learning disabilities, were in wheelchairs, missing limbs, mentally ill, etc life might be even more hectic, but there is nothing like a child's love and the feeling you have loving him in return.
CRICKETRO 2/17/07 5:16 A
i'll probably get some rocks hit on my way but...here it goes:
both DH and me are 26. have been living together for 4 yrs, got married last Nov. kids? NO WAY!!!
what if they turn out disabled? what if they have other issues which can't be checked while pregnant? i'd rather not have those problems. DH agrees wt me. so for now, no kids for us!
NICCIJ101 2/14/07 12:00 P
I have 2 wonderful little boys, both were unexpected. I don't think any amount of problems w/ them would make me not want them or more children. I know it must be hard knowing that you could possibily have children w/ problems, but please know...almost any parent will tell you that it is all worth it. Once you have that little baby, it won't matter if he is cute/ugly, big/little, normal/abnormal (you get the picture). You will love and take care of that baby no matter what. Children truly are the greatest blessing, and any parent is lucky to be able to conceive children!
If you end up habing a child w/ handicaps, you will get through it, as millions of other people do. Times may seem hard at points, but you still have your child and that makes it all worth it.
I hope this helps you! Keep us posted!
SASHA7487 2/13/07 10:39 A
Having my son was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. My brother and my sister had problem growing up but it never made me not want to have kids. My brother is ADD with violent tendencies and my sister is a manich depressive. Not to brag but my son is wonderful. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. He's only 7 but he had a problem when he was first born (febrial siezures) and sure it was scary but he is deffinately worth it. Now I can't have any more children and I really wish I could.
You could always have a genetic screening(you and your hubby) before you decide to get pregnant. It's really simple and it can tell you your odds right off. But I would encourage you to not use it as your sole decision maker as any child is a true blessing.
Like someone else said you could also decide to adopt. There are so many children just needing your time and love.
RYUJIN 2/12/07 6:00 P
It sounds like you are doing a good job of preparing yourself. Perhaps too good of a job--you're psyching yourself out!
I always knew I wanted kids. My SO, not so sure. I have bipolar and depression in my family lineage. So, it was a big decision. But it was a wonderful one. My 3 mo old is too little to have any signs of whether she's going to have a psych disorder. But even if she does, we'll get through it. It's scary to think about. BUT we have a distinct advantage over families who have a kid with a problem and had no idea it could happen.
DRARSEO78 2/12/07 12:45 P
Don't be hard on yourself. Hereditary diseases run in families... It's hit and miss who gets what. But you know what? It's all worth it. If it is meant to be, it will be. God makes no mistakes. Remember that there are many, many famous people with learning disabilities like dyslexia:
Famous people who are Dyslexic
Agatha Christie, English mystery writer Tom Cruise, actor Whoopi Goldberg, actress Magic Johnson, athlete Walt Disney, founder of Disneyland, cartoonist Charles Schwab, founder of investment brokerage Thomas Edison, inventor Winston Churchill, former prime minister of Britain Leonardo Da Vinci, Renaissance artist Harrison Ford, actor Jay Leno, comedian Robin Williams, actor and comedian Albert Einstein, scientist Nolan Ryan, athlete Harry Belafonte, singer, entertainer Cher, entertainer, actress Danny Glover, actor Gustave Flaubert, writer William Hewlett, co-founder, Hewlett-Packard Andy Warhol, artist John Lennon, musician Ted Turner, media mogul, philanthropist George Burns, actor, comedian Alexander Graham Bell, inventor Bruce Jenner, Olympian athlete George Patton, U.S. general Tom Smothers, comedian Henry Winkler, actor Billy Bob Thornton, actor Nelson Rockefeller, former governor of New York Woodrow Wilson, former U.S. president William Yeats, poet Hans Christian Anderson, author
My mother passed away a little over a year ago (her 49th birthday would have been today) from Lou Gehrig's disease. My grandmother passed away from the same thing at age 58. At the time my mother was diagnosed I had already had 1 child. I wondered when my mother passed if I could pass in the same way, if my sister could, if my brother, my uncles, my whomever... but the one I wondered about the most was the possibility of future children. I wanted more, but was torn between feeling irresponsible about possibly bringing another child into this mix. What God directed me towards, however, was that I needed to trust in Him completely.
I am currently blessed with my second pregnancy. It was reassuring to me, in that it only happened after I placed my total trust in HIM. It is in HIS hands, not ours.
CHINARA 2/11/07 9:24 P
There are no guarantees that anything in life - children, jobs, etc. - will turn out perfect or stay perfect.
If there's solid reason to believe there are serious heriditary diseases in your family, you could adopt. I don't consider learning disabilities serious. I have two children with the full range of learning disabilities. One of them is a very talented artist and just graduated with a degree in graphic design. The other is a computer whiz.
But don't have children just because it's expected or because of pressure from family/friends. If you truly think you're not cut out to be a mother, or if you truly don't want kids, it's better not to.
On the other hand, don't be scared off by what could be. Children and family are great blessings. Yes, they take time. Yes, you have to give up some alone time. Yes, you can't do everything you want all the time.
My children bring me a lot of pleasure. We have a lot of fun together. I can't imagine being without any one of them (I have 5). I also would be scared to death growing old and have no family. That sounds terribly lonely to me.
This is a decision only you can make. Follow your heart. Don't be scared. Your child could be the next superstar or president, too. Your best friend for life.
SEANDA 2/11/07 9:05 P
Oh honey. Everyone is different. I have always loved kids and wanted them. I went into education and now homeschool our children. All children have their own issues as do adults. I can't imagine my life without our kiddos and they are a huge blessing to me.
I would urge you to think and pray about the decision but to know that children are ALWAYS a blessing from God. I would gladly have more children but it is not possible. I also recognize that for some children are not what they want or feel ready for. If you really are afraid of traits that may or may not exist you could adopt but truly all children have challenges. Life is all about challenges and hardships and love... and how you handle it all.
MICHELLE979 2/11/07 3:15 P
you said... "So basically, I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for the horrible heartache, non-ending stress, huge financial commitments, and strained/broken marriages"
My dear... you're setting yourself up for all of those things when you have kids regardless of how percfect or not perfect they are. if you and your husband are strong, which you said you are, then you will face whatever comes along.... ok, i'm heading in the take what you get direction so let me stop! lol
I don't have kids yet, but before I dediced I wanted them I coudln't think of any reasons why anyone would want to do this to themselves?! No more privacy, no more time, sleep, money, etc... But I have found my reasons, as self centered and shallow and cheesy they re, I found them.. and I you want kids you'll find your reasons too. And you said your trained in psych, etc so at least you'll know what to do and in what direction to head! If it's not worth it to you then don't do it! Adpot!
SUPERBIEN 2/11/07 3:09 P
Hi, not to get super personal, but hey that's what semi-anonymity is about, right? I'm wondering if anyone else is in the boat of wanting kids, but being afraid of how the kids will be. I mean, other than the whole "having kids is a giant crapshoot and there's no guarantees in life" kind of odds, but for specific reasons. If so, what were your thoughts?
My situation: my husband of four months and I had agreed to wait one year before conceiving, as we both very much want kids but want to make sure our marriage is rock-solid first. That's still the plan.
However, I've become scared because my niece/nephews have a lot of learning disabilities (fairly severe) and two of them (from different sisters) have psych conditions. I believe that the learning disabilities come from my side of the family, and since a lot of us have them I've been preparing myself for years to have kids with dyslexia etc (I've been trained in therapy for several learning dis/psych conditions).
I think the psych conditions come from my sisters' husbands (both have serious mental illness in their families). What makes me concerned is that my husband's mother has become, we both believe, mentally unstable (polite words for crazy!). Which seems like giving my possible future kids the *exact same genetic set-up* that these two kids with psych conditions have... the "nature" part of this "nature vs nurture" thing is making me very nervous!
So basically, I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for the horrible heartache, non-ending stress, huge financial commitments, and strained/broken marriages that I've seen my sisters dealing with. Anyone been here, and have thoughts? (please no lectures on how life is unpredictable, and you take what you get-- I know that, but there has to be some responsibility for heading off disasters in advance, right?)
