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JOTRKMOMMY
11/28/06 10:53 A
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"Just Imagine"
Watch for the "imaginaries": ideas that can be talked about and used again and again to create a sense of shared family culture. When Peter was little, we teased him about having "hematosis hickley," a sickness characterized by forgetting your responsibilities and having a green spot on the back of your neck (Bethany came down with it more recently). Laura had an imaginary friend named "Jurdy," and David had a stuffed animal he called "Torture" (we never analyzed that one too deeply). These concepts are part of our family history - of who we are. Remembering them always brings a laugh and binds us to the past and to each other.
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| Good Advice my family did that while I was growing up. And I still use some of the words today with my own kids and now my grandkids. By the way your advice is absolutly wonderful, Keep it up.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/25/06 8:24 A
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"Your family Language"
Create a few words and phrases that make up your own family's quotebook. Pay attention when your kids use your funny language, and egg them on. In our family, "blobbing" means saying no without saying no; "hook-e-dook" means nonsense of baloney, and "fantabulous" is a kooky mix of fantastic and fabulous. Those words reinforce your sense of family unity, and they'll bring back fond memories, far into the future.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/24/06 9:49 A
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"Truth in Story"
Make something up out of nothing. Since you are made in the image of your Creator GOD, exercise your creativity and come up with unique stories that illustrate truths that are most important to you. Fictionalize Bible stories or other great works, or make up a brand new story. As Howard Gardner says so well, "Stories go in deep" (Leading Minds, Basic Books, 1996). Stories from you, in your own words, can go in even deeper.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/23/06 8:48 A
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"A Parent's Voice"
Find some "great words," or write some of your own, and record them for your children. Create treasure, on a tape. Many years ago, when my children were too little to read, I recorded most of the book of Proverbs for them, adding a little bit of my own commentary to make it more understandable and more personal. They could listen to a chapter in bed before they went to sleep or in the car on long trips. These tapes were passed from one child to the next, and they listened to them again and again, long after they could read on their own.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/22/06 9:55 A
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"Golden Silence"
Did you know you can speak with your silences? Correction, for example, can ruin our bond with our kids if we do it too much, too verbally, too long. A grieved look and some tears can sometimes speak louder than a lecture.
(I can personally vouch for this tip. My daughter is two, "terrible two", and one day I was just at the end of my rope, and at the end of my hope for that day. I had run out of patient loving words for her, and that hurts. I cried, and though I tried to hide my tears from her, she is perceptive and she saw, asking "Mommy, what's wrong?" I told her. I told her that I loved her and that she had been so naughty -steering clear of the word "bad" - in her behavior that day, and that it made me sad to see her misbehave so often. My little toddler then reached up and hugged me, and said, "I love you too, very much mommy. Don't worry about it." With her fragile arms around my neck, I REALLY cried, but knowing that so far I am raising an understanding little person who will learn to freely express and understand emotions made me feel so much better. We have not had more than a few such days since.)
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/22/06 9:51 A
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| Aww, honey, I'm not that knowledgeable ... I'm cheating. I've got this great book full of tips, and I post one everyday. I figured that I if I am this much in awe of this book ... I am not the only one who could use it's advice. Thanks for reading, and for the encouragement!
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| How are you so knowledgeable? I love your words of advice. Thanks!
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/21/06 4:15 P
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"Guided by Light"
Like a top journalist, we need to package our words to have clout and truth. "Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will remember it and above all accurately so they will be guided by it's light" (Joseph Pulitzer).
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/19/06 9:11 A
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"Kind Words"
Nasty words sting and hurt and wound, and you can spend a lifetime trying to erase them. But kind words soothe and heal and nurture, and they "live in the heart and soul and remain as blessed memories years after they have been spoken" (Marevea Johnson). The older I get, the more I appreciate kindness. Kindness is a way of life - and a way to relational life.
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BUFFEDSTUFF
11/19/06 1:27 A
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/18/06 8:37 P
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| Thanks ... I had begun to wonder if anyone was reading this anymore! I was thinking of quitting the posts, if no one was reading them.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/18/06 10:42 A
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"Get Repetitive"
When your children tell you something that is obviously important to them, you honor them by saying, "Now let me see if I understand what you're telling me..." That communicates, "This is really more important to me." It also assures them that you really "get it" - or that you don't, which can open up even deeper conversation.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/16/06 9:48 P
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"Discussion Versus Dialogue"
People are wise to distinguish between discussion and dialogue, says Peter Senge in The Fifth Discipline (Doubleday, 1990). In a discussion, you present your postion. As soon as you're done (or maybe just before), your child presents his or hers. Back and forth you go, stating and defending. There is no interweaving and little understanding here. In a dialogue, you both open yourelves to new ideas, feelings, analysis, and synthesis. You share what you're thinking, including assumptions, and things you're not so sure of. Your child does the same. The conversation becomes a tapestry as you both understand what you didn't before and as you become one heart - rather than two boxers.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/15/06 10:36 A
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"Free to Respond"
Your children should feel free to "think out loud" when they're with you. You want them to respond openly and honestly, even if what they come up with is rough-edged or incomplete. If you edit too much along the way, you cut short what you hope to be a "forever" conversation with your children. Many good writers aviod editing during their first burst of creativity. They get their big ideas out, then they hone them. Correcting your children too much while they're "writing", so to speak, can make them feel foolish, shutting down both creativity and connection.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/14/06 1:57 P
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"Validate Feelings"
Your kids may bring you an issue or a concern, and then it's up to you to take it from there. You can fall back on the easy "dimissal": "Oh, don't worry about that." Or worse, you can communicate "I told you so" : "If only you'd listened to my advice." If you want to connect with your kids, you've got to show them you identify with their feelings: "You sound angry. I know how you must feel. I'm sure you're frustrated. I'd be upset, too." You can dissect the problem later, if it's appropriate. But first, you've got to get invited into the laboratory.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/13/06 12:18 P
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"The Back Door"
We parents tend to come in through the front door, blurting our instructions or desires sirectly, being honest and clear. Sometimes that's not the best way to capture children's attention. Don't forget that your kids are incredibly complex beings who want to think for themselves. Try approaching a subject through the back door: "I've heard three opinions on this subject. What do you think?" or "I read about this topic last week: isn't this interesting?" In the country, best friends always just let themselves in - through the back door.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/11/06 4:43 P
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"The Five "I's""
Public speakers make their communication meaningful with five "I" techniques. Try to talk with your children in a way that's
1.Informative - with real content and take-away value
2.Incisive - cutting below the surface to say something meaningful.
3.Iconoclastic - knocking down myths and cherished baloney
4.Interesting - laced with stories and examples and humor
5.Inspiring - making your kids feel they can do it!
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/10/06 8:44 A
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"One Memorable Sentence"
When you give a note or birthday card, don't cop out and just sign the sentiments printed in the card (no connection there!). But don't wax on and on, either. Mathematician and philosopher Blaise Pascal once wrote to a friend, "Please forgive this long letter - I didn't have time to write a short one." The brief opening of the Declaration of Independence lives on, while hundreds of history book and other documents lay forgotten and untouched. It's better to take the time to come up with one memorable sentence.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/9/06 10:54 P
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"Pregnant with Meaning"
Pack a lot of zip into your words. Think about what you want to say and how you say it. Laying out a detailed plan for a musical career may not be nearly as effective as saying, "You know, I was thinking about your music last night before I fell asleep, and it struck me that you could really affect people deely with it for years." When a vision is planted, a child's appreciation for the person who planted it will be inevitable.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/8/06 9:17 A
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"More Early, Less Later"
It's easy to talk too little when the kids are little - and too much later on. Babies are a captive audience: take advantage of that, even talking life principles to young children.In an article titled, "The Smartest Thing You Can Do For Your Baby," William Phillips writes, "Recent studies have found that how - and how much - parents and other caregivers 'converse' with a baby ... can have a profound impact on her intellectual developement for the rest of her life ... What promotes that developement more than anything else is human speech." (Parenting Magazine, August 1997) Even unborn babies will thrive on - and connect with - your words. As your kids get older, you'll have to decrease the quantity and go for quality, looking for those moments when your teenagers are actually listening.
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JOTRKMOMMY
11/7/06 8:26 P
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Okay I'm back and let's bring this topic back to life! family is important too, right? My daily post starts again tomorrow ... because my time away from the site made me lazy again. I don't want to go upstairs and get the book ... I know, I know. So sad. But I will conquer this. We all will!!
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| My teenage daughter and I have been reading a book together every night. The book is called "Beauty is Soul Deep" It is a devotional book with scripture references. Reading the book together gives us the one on one time that we need. (I have 3 younger boys as well) It keeps the door open for discussion on the important topic of healthy bodies (especially for teen girls!) and also just free "talk" time. It has really been a blessing. We also pray together. I wouldn't trade that special time with her for anything!
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HAPPY&HEALTHY
9/24/06 6:12 A
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 Include your kids in little activities that you have around the house. I made my 3 year old daughter squeeze orange juices yesterday while I cooked. It was a lot of fun especially for her - being able to be a part of my world! Sure it was messy, but the laughters that sourround the kitchen air was absolutely glorious!!!
Try it!
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Highly recommend that everyone read the 5 love languages of teens ( or for teens?)
Christian themed and gives specific examples of ways to show love to different personality types.
ie: I go in and make my 15 yr old daughters bed while she blow dries her hair she is big on "service" acts like packing her lunch if shes going somewhere or something. I really enjoyed the book.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
9/17/06 10:40 A
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Jotrkmommy, Hope all is well with you. How is the unpacking going?
My tip for today is to just play with your child, it doesn't matter what or how, or even if you play the "rules" of the game.
My son and I played volleyball yesterday for at least 30 minutes then again for another 15. In no way shape or form was it played "correctly" All that mattered to him was he was playing with mom and mom wasn't doing anything else.
Suzanne
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SUZANNEJOZEF
9/10/06 8:37 A
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1st week of school has finished, 1st day was rough with the new teacher rules but after that ok. He had a sleep over at a friends so I think tonight is going to be a movie night snuggled in moms bed:)
Hope all is well with you.
Suzanne
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SUZANNEJOZEF
9/1/06 8:01 P
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Glad things are going ok, take your time.
Suzanne
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/31/06 12:03 P
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| Well the moving is mostly done for now, and most of the unpacking is finished. Still having some trouble with the internet stuff though, so I am using the computer at the library. I will be bringing the book with me from now on when I come to use the net, but it isn't every day, so the posts will be sporadic for a while. However, I will be soon be back in action!
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SUZANNEJOZEF
8/30/06 3:35 P
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This morning, my son woke up before me and was playing play station (didn't even hear him) so when I woke up I went and crawled into bed with him and snuggled up to him while he played. He thought that was pretty cool that mom got into bed with him instead of him comming into my bed :) oh the little things~~~~
Suzanne
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SUZANNEJOZEF
8/29/06 8:46 P
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How's the unpacking going?? Hope you are setteling in ok.
Suzanne
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/23/06 6:44 P
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| Yikes ... still haven't found it ... But the move went well at least! Hopefully soon, life will settle and be normal again soon!!!!
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SUZANNEJOZEF
8/21/06 10:45 A
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That's ok, you are forgiven :) take your time I will be here :)
Suzanne
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/21/06 7:53 A
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| Okay I screwed up yesterday and packed the book that I've been using for these posts. But it should turn up soon ... Sorry!
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/20/06 12:04 P
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| Thanks, I could use the luck, and I appreciate the support!
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SUZANNEJOZEF
8/20/06 11:55 A
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I so agree with this, Unless it is something of real importance, what is it going to hurt to let them talk and analyze, think things through. Sometimes when Jozef is doing this he will realize what he is saying can't be and then ask how it is or should be....
I will be anxsiouly waiting for your return. I love these little tips that you give. Good luck with the move.
Suzanne
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/20/06 9:03 A
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"Hold That Thought"
"When I hear my children expounding on something and they're wrong," Maryl Janson, speaker, teacher and a mother of five told me, "little alarms begin going off. I want to jump in , correct them, and show them the right way. But when I do, they just quit talking. I sometimes have to choose not to listen to those alarms." It isn't always best to offer corrections. Sometimes it's more important to keep the communication lines open than to try to make sure there's no dirt in the lines.
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/20/06 8:56 A
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| Me too. Since I am moving at the moment, I will post for today, but I will probably skip a few days. I am not sure how regularly I will be able to post for the next couple of days. But I am going to post for today, and then I will do it as often as possible. After the moving settles, I will be back to every day ...
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SUZANNEJOZEF
8/20/06 6:54 A
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This one makes you go HHmmmmm
Suzanne
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/19/06 7:03 A
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"The vacation Principle"
A good converation is like a good vacation: It helps to kknow where to stop. Lots of relationships have been damaged by the "just onr more thing" parental tendency: "Not only is your room a disaster, but you look like something out of Invasion of the Body Snatchers." Even a wonderful conversation can go too far. On the rare occasion that you make a point that goes right to the bone with your child, stop talking. If you keep going, you may diminish the memorability of the point and perhaps even negate it. When you see that what you've said has made a deep impact, pull off the road and order lunch.
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/18/06 9:12 P
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| God, ain't that the truth.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
8/18/06 8:54 P
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Thanks for these tips...It's amazing how we can so easily forget the little things it takes to make a happy family and before we know it we stop doing the big things also. And then the little things become big things......
Suzanne
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/18/06 7:03 P
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| We can all afford to be cold physically for the sake of our children's emotional warmth. The problem is that some of us forget that the warmth of love and family is far more important ... That is part of why I am doing this. Families over the years get less and less close ... more and more hateful to each other. What happened to the old days when your family was your support system? I am hoping to help rebuild that in anyone who is looking for ways to do it. So here we are ... and thanks for reading.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
8/18/06 7:00 P
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I'm here, just reading and pondering...
So true about the laughing...even just the little things in life that we do with our children..
taking my son to the pool, I always freeze in it so I hardly ever get in, sit in the jacuzzi while he swims...well lately I go in cold or not..we splash around he tries to catch me and usually does. I toss him around in it or at least I try to...things happen and we just crack up laughing, what is a few minuts of cold to me for the fun and laughter it brings out in him.....
Suzanne
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/18/06 9:27 A
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Hmmmm ... Where did our conversations go?
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/18/06 9:26 A
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"Enough is Enough"
If you want your words to have more value, use fewer of them. It's supply and demand: "The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?" (Eccles. 6:11) If you want your words to "stick", it's quality, not quantity, that does the trick. kids remember sentences, not essays.
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/17/06 8:44 A
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"Laugh Attack"
Long after you're gone, your kids will remember your laugh - assuming you do laugh. I can still hear my grandmother with her silly laugh that offset her usual seriousness. Most people laugh less and less as they get older, as life gets tough and takes its toll. Don't let it happen to you! FInd something to laugh about - at life, at yourself, at the pomposities of others, at anything that's out of place or time. Laughing with your kids over life's absurdities will glue you together. Let them hear you laugh often - and, like the old comedians, always leave them laughing!
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/16/06 8:40 A
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"Overdeliver"
If you really want to have your kids rely on you, do even more than you said you would! If you promise, "I'm going to get us a movie tonight," and then follow up the movie with a snack or game or story, your kids will know your words carry a lot of weight. Even better, they know you carry a lot of weight (the good kind, in the soul). The goal is for your kids to be able to count on your words so they can count on you as trustworthy.
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/15/06 7:46 A
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"No Excuses"
When you do break a promise or miss a commitment, don't fall into the understandable but deadly trap of spouting excuses, justifications, and rationalizations. Your excuses may make you feel better about your failure by coating it with words, but it can make your relationship with your kids a whole lot worse. The simple, humble "I can't believe I blew this - please forgive me" is the pathway to a deeper bond.
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/15/06 7:43 A
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| Talking to them is more important to them than we realize. Last night I had a forthy-five minute conversation with my daughter about Swiper ... the theiving fox from "Dora". All I really did was listen and repeat what she'd said so that she knew I was listening. It was really great for her, and surprisingly ... I wasn't that bored. It was funny and really fun to hear her thoughts. We sometimes forget that the little children have thoughts also ... and that those thoughts, while small and sometimes silly, should not be seen as insignificant.
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This is so great!! Thank you for giving me new things to think about. My older one is 3 1/2. As we get busy with whatever's going on, it's easy to forget something as simple as conversation, but this has made me realize I need to work on talking with her more and staying connected!
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/14/06 10:32 P
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| That is sweet. I love to see that "bloom" on my daughter's face when I say those kinds of things to her. I am glad that it is helping you.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
8/14/06 12:53 P
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Again I have to say thank you for this..Yesterday afternoon, I had my son stop what he was doing and asked him the "come here" He comes to me and says "what"...I looked him in the eyes and said "You know what?, you are the best!"
The look on his face was priceless!!! He was so happy I said that and tells me "Thanks" comes and gives me a big hug and kiss!!!
Amazing what 4 little words can do for someone.
Thanks so much.
Suzanne
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/14/06 7:05 A
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"Don't Make 'em, Don't Break 'em"
Few things in life do more damage to relationships than unfulfilled promises. Go ahead and make promises - but not very many. and always underestimate what you really think you can do. "We'll try" makes a better answer than "we will." When you make a promise, keep it - even when it hurts. (Ps. 15:4)
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/13/06 10:02 A
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| I have tried to do some of each one each day. I have also retained some practice of the ones that are my personal favorites. Over the past week or so, I have really seen my toddler blossom under the new attention. It is a beautiful sight to watch her face light when I tell her, "I love you, you're the best!"
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SUZANNEJOZEF
8/13/06 9:51 A
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This is great thanks..
I really like the think big, talk big and you're the best.
will start using these more today!!
Thanks again
Suzanne
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/13/06 12:12 A
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"Go Soul Deep"
Tailor your compliments. Be specific, and comment in behaviors and events that are under your kids' control or that they have struggled to achieve. If you compliment only the superficial, you will create an increased interest in the superficial. You will lead your children to become more superficial. You want soul-deep children with whom you can relate intimately. You can't relate deeply to a superficial child, even one of your own creation.
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/12/06 8:37 A
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"Name Them"
Parents spend a lot of time on a name for a baby and then usually stop naming. Don't stop. Name their strong points: you're responsible, you're upbeat, you're goal oriented. And name their virtues: you have integrity, you have compassion, you have loyalty. Help them see the best that is in them - and the best that is in you for noticing. They won't be able to avoid loving someone who see what even they aren't sure of.
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/12/06 8:33 A
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| Thanks, I'm glad that you like it. Be sure to check back for the new tip every day. You may find something that will work wonders in your life...
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| I love this thread...what a wonderful inspiration :D
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/11/06 12:34 P
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| Well I firmly believe that our children deserve our respect. Just because they are little people doesn't mean that they are not people, right?
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| You are all so right. Too many parents are just too busy to listen to their children. If we show our kids we care, ask them about their day, and truly listen it makes all the difference in the world. It really is all about respect.
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/11/06 9:04 A
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"Friend to Friend"
When you're looking into the face of your child, ask yourself this question: How would I speak to her if she were a friend whose regard I wanted to keep? Think of her as someone who, like a friend, has the power to walk away from your relationship - because she does have that power.
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/10/06 12:34 P
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| oh yea my teenager ( daughter ) says the most important thing of the day 4 her is me asking how HER day was...when i don't ask she feels forgotten and unloved...she reminds me how important it is 2 her 2 ALWAYS ask how her day went....she is sooo sweet she even asks me daily how my day at work went!! just thought i would share that...she is alwyas so full of ideas...besides we learn what our kids need most just by asking them...take the time 2 say 2 them"what can i do 2 make u feel loved'
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| my tip...take the time 2 listen 2 what they have 2 say even if it is silly...so often us parents get sooo busy that we r always telling our children 2 hold on all through out the day..if u were 2 keep doing this they will STOP coming 2 u..they will learn that they r not important and what they have 2 say isnt either!! The small things r what counts!!!
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/10/06 8:02 A
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"Think Big, Talk Big"
Many parent could use a vocabulary transplant. We tend to think too small (You're doing OK on that.") The impact of "OK" and "alright" and "pretty good" is close to negligible. Adopt some big words, words uttered too infrequenty by parents: terrific, outstanding, magnificent, incredible, extraordinary, dynamite, wow! Think big and talk big - and maybe your children will behave "big" and your relationship will cast a long shadow.
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| Ain't that the truth ... I will be posting a new one every day for a while. It is true about words having power ... and so many of the tips that are coming are things that we don't even realize that we should be doing.
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BUFFEDSTUFF
8/9/06 8:06 P
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| Word do have power and what we say to our kids they do remember.
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"You're The Best"
Three simple words" "You're the best." Said often enough and without elaboration or explanation, these words can build a mountain of self-worth for your children - and it will be hard for them not to love somebody who makes them feel so good. Best at what? Being who they were designed to be. And these words are so much better than "You're better than ______," the fatal disease of comparison.
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JOTRKMOMMY
8/8/06 11:54 A
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"God-Powered Words"
The book of Genesis tells us that God spoke, and voila! - the earth was there. No construction project -just very powerful words. Genesis also explains that God made people in his image. In some incredible ways we are like God. One way is that we have tremendous creative power. As a parent, you can use that power to CREATE relationships with your child. And you can use it to create character traits in your child. Ask yourself, "What do I want to create in my child? Competence? Confidence? Compassion?" Then plan and structure your words so that your God-given power makes something where there was nothing.
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