Hi, TheSpookyOne. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My teen is the same age as yours with many of the same problems. He used to be very loving, but now it's almost as if I only exist when he needs money or a ride somewhere. He's not cutting, thank goodness, but his grades are awful. He's not Goth, but "emo." Still looks like Goth to me. It's hard to understand them. Even harder not to be frustrated all of the time. My son is starting therepy in a couple of weeks for depression.
CHRISTINA_CSR 9/7/06 12:49 A
Hi THESPOOKYONE,
Yes, you totally understand the cutting! That is exactly how my stepdaughter explained it to me. She was doing it, and stopped for awhile, then did it around Christmas time, then stopped. I think she has finally quit it, because she is wearing shortsleeves (I should have known something was up last summer, because ALL last summer she wore her long sleeved sweater ALWAYS, plus she was not talking just mad/mopey). She used to use a safety pin, or something like that and thought it looked cool (she says she never did it at our house, but I don't know), kind of giving herself her own tattoo or markings (she wrote that guy's name on her belly - lucky it faded). She said she stopped in February, during the summer she said "that" was all just stupid stuff. I think she is valuing herself more, and I try to give her the attention she needs, and to ALWAYS keep my promises, no matter how small or mundane they may be (if I say I'll play cards later, I do it). She seems to do okay if we sit and talk, me at the computer or TV, so it looks like I am busy and not in her business.
I read somewhere, and I said this once and alot of people commented agreeing: Boys are different from girls, in that it is easier to have a conversation with a boy if you are doing another physical activity such a walking, biking, sports, making models, etc. Because they are active and creative with their bodies, their minds seem to be more open for conversation.
Maybe you could have a family meeting and sit at the table and talk. Or clear the air about some things that maybe you (or your husband) can apologize for (to make him feel important), while saying things you would like him to work on. Maybe set up a family chart of rules or tasks, that will be started to get everyone involved in helping each other. Something like that. I wouldn't mension the myspace except to end priveledges on the computer till grades improve.
You have your hands full, but maybe if he knew from you how much you need him to help out now that dad is going away, he might feel more important to the family. It is good that he loves your youngest, that really helps the cohesiveness of the family. I don't know if I have been of much help, but with my stepdaughters, we always put family togetherness first, and that seemed to make them think before doing some craziness. Corse these girls are pretty tame, but the 14 yr old is really going to step up to the "teenager battitude attitude", hopefully toward her mother not me.
THESPOOKYONE 9/6/06 9:41 A
Ya know I do understand the cutting.. It is like you are in control.. I did not do it like he is.. Maybe it was different for me... I would drag a razor across my wrist.. it would leave a small blood trail.. I would think.. Just a bit deeper... Should I... but what would my mom and dad think... they would be so hurt... but then they woudl know how I feel.. I was so so sad... I felt like I had nothing... nobody.... just alone!!!! Oh my gosh I hope Bran does not feel like that... He has a ton of friends... he is so loved... and he knows it!!!
He signed on to his myspace to talk to friends it froz up and He went up stairs... later I got on to my page... I wanted to see If I had mail.. It pulled up his account.... SO I looked it over... he said he smoked... was going to quit... he said something about weed... being out and needing more... I just wanted to cry....
My hubby is leaving on monday... and will be gone for almost 2 months.. I dont know what to do or think...
I never drank... or did drugs... I just feel like I am loosing my son.... I told him the other day That I just dont want him to f*** up his life... and drinking, smoking, drugs.. it will.... he was like I told you I quit smoking....
He tell's his freind stuff.... just for shock value... I dont know if he is just saying all this crap.... or not....
CHRISTINA_CSR 9/4/06 2:09 P
Hi All, Just to show you that things change on a dime: My sister visited for the day with her VERY spoiled and bratty 9yr old daughter (4th grade now). She brought her friend, who is younger and doesn't mind being picked on. Well, my almost 7yr old daughter couldn't wait to spend time with her cousin, since we haven't seen them since last summer, and they live 20 min away. Well, my daughter picked up all the badness that the counsin was like, pinching, name-calling, sassy-mouth, etc. and I let it go because my sister is hurt when I dicipline her child or my child for copying her child's bad behavior.
WELL, my stepdaughter talked to be for several hours about how bad the cousin is, and what a bad influence she is on my babygirl. She was like trying to watch out for her little sister, and was so conserned. She was very upset with the whole visit, and its affect on my babygirl! This is GREAT considering the stuff we have been discussing below (past post). We also talked about guys some more (endlessly), the first week of high school, and the kids and who to be friends with, etc., till like 3:30am.
This shows that a lot of talk is good, and lots of validation of hurt feelings and trying to understand, keeps communication alive. As long as we have talking, even if it is some yelling followed by more talking, that is when we still have some influence in these teen's lives. My stepdaughter may have depression, but I think most teens do, and her mother is a complete recluse with no friends, so it is hard for her to make friends if her mother is lame at it. She doesn't really value friends, like normal people, because they are like things - once she has one she treats them bad because she thinks they are loyal to her now, because she is to them. Very strange dynamics the kids have today.
By the way, that cutting becomes a habit, and it is VERY HARD to break. It is something that only the teen understands, unless you used to do it. It is really them focusing on control over their bodies and wanting to feel. Sometimes it is them punishing themselves to show they control themselves, and sometimes they think it is cool looking? All this stuff is mixed together and that is why it is so hard to stop. Similar to stopping eating, when we start to sample chips, or get candy and think its just this box, like that. The control of oneselves indulgences and the right to those indulgences. Add all the harmones pumping through their system, and maybe some mental issues if you want to go there, and that is alot of stuff a teen has to go through.
ONLYGIRL 9/4/06 12:46 P
Hi all! I have three "boys". Stepson age 20 who is disabled, so it's like 20 going on 13 only with all the legal rights as any other 20 yo. Then I have a 17 yo and 15 yo. There are times with the two younger ones when I want to ring their necks, but all in all they are good kids. The eldest one tho he is another story! Yesterday, my 17 yo went into the garage to get something from the freezer and found that my 20 yo and his GF were asleep in the finished part of the garage (we all it the apartment). When my 15 yo got up we found out from him that one of the friends and HIS GF were in my sons room! They tried to tell my husband that they were just too tired to go home at 2am-- yeah, so then why weren't the guys in one place and the girls in another? Of course it just happens that one of the girls fathers is friends with my husband--- Any way, All these "kids are 19-21 and all have disabilities. It is sooooo very hard to when they think they know it all (like most kids their ages) and they don't even have a clue how little they know. I cold go on and on and on-but I get the feeling many of you have a good idea what I am talking about!
THESPOOKYONE 9/4/06 12:16 A
Hi CHRISTINA Goodness we have our hands full hu!!!!
Well.. we are talking a bit.. but it comes and goes.. He will be fine one min and just yeck the next.. I wonder about bi polar.. I was told I had it... I was on meds.. but to have Josh.. I got off all my pill's and dr's and Got off the darn depo shot and That realllly made me feel 100% better!!!!
but Now I have my days... I wonder what is going on... He is moody... He did the cutting thing.. He was talking to councler in school for a while.. I have no clue what about.. they never told me... I told him I would have him to go see a dr to talk to.. He was alll pissed and got sooo mad....
We try to give Brandon as much attention as we can being that Josh is getting so much right now... My mom and dad are always sooo great at asking Josh if his Big Brother knows how good looking he is.. and IF he is lucky maybe Josh will grow up to be as handsome as Bran is...
Brandon seems to reallly love Josh... He is sooo great with him... It is so cute!!!!
I dont want him to do anything dumb... but I guess we will see...
Hubby will be leaving next week for a job... He wont be back for almost 2 months.. he does call.... but still.... It will be interesting!!!
CHRISTINA_CSR 9/3/06 4:27 P
Hi THESPOOKYONE, My stepdaughter starts her freshman year this year and she turned 14 last April. She has gone through a funk, similar to what you have addressed. She got real quite at 12 and didn't say much to anyone and was angry all the time. I didn't really know how to reach her because I'm not her mother, but it seems she depends more on me for her guidance. She came out of the funk after she bragged to her friends what she was doing, and they told the school who told her mother. Not enough dicipline came out of it, but since her mother did the dicipline, we do the talking. I think that helps her the most.
Okay, she was talking on the phone with a 32 year old man. She met him on a phonechat that she saw on latenight TV. Because of this: 1.) She started cutting because she hated herself for being bad, and so she could feel punishment (or just feel) 2.) She alienated herself from friends and family 3.) She crossed the border of phonesex so that she can't enjoy the romance of "when will I have my first kiss" 4.) She is more comfortable talking to men then boys (she feels the men are responsible, not her)but she only talks to men on the phone, and in her head. 5.) She has betrayed trust, and now wonders why no one can trust her. 6.) She has started to talk about possibly smoking, and that she would never let addiction happen. 7.) All this goes on and on
Her grades have not suffered,yet, and she doesn't do Goth because her older sister is into that. She has just spoiled her youth, and she knows this, and regrets it but still doesn't care. She is really teetering on the edge.
I don't know how to reach your son, because he is not talking to you. Take away the myspace, that is for sure, and computer privaleges, or have all that he is doing come to your computer so he knows that you will see what he sees. His father is really the one that might be able to reach him. And alot of family activities together, with no remarks about style, choices, and lots of praise when the least chore or interaction happens. No dating. I know Kimberly wants to start dating, and if she ever got with that man, BOY would we have problems!!! Thank goodness those kids at school were looking out for her, because it could have happened. We still talk about this guy, and she is aware of the molesters out there, but of course he would have been different.
The world is a scary place for kids now adays. Good luck with your boy, and unite as a family.
THESPOOKYONE 8/28/06 5:47 P
Not sure if I fit in.. Have not read all yet...
My son is 14... will be 15 IF he makes it to Feb...
He is a freshman this year... he was honor roll for a while last year... started to date... then broke up... started to date another girl I liked that one.... she was sort of Goth... his homework went bye bye... and grades went D's and f's used F word a ton... started to get on line a ton and just did not care a buch about what he used to... got into a ton of junk and stuff took stuff and cutting himself... the broke up and end of school.. still talk on phone... but now I find out he might be smoking... I am so sad.... He wont tell me the truth about stuff wont hardly talk to me...
We used to be all huggie and stuff now he is like F off and go away.... I am so sad....
I looked up his myspace not my fault he left it loged on my puter... but that is what ia good mom should do hu... I care that is why I am nosie... I need to know what he is up to.. let him know I care... I think he knows I would die for him.. but now I found Porn on his puter and I am just beside myself... and Hubby will be leaving in a few weeks.. SO much for my diet...
by the way.. I am terri.... Nice to meet you all!! I am a nice person who has so far lost some weight... trying to drop some more!!! feels good to have to hike up the pants cuz they are too big!!!!
MOMCLP 8/25/06 9:11 A
That's a terrific story, sometimes kids can really tell it like it is. My son is doing a lot better than the last time that I posted here. He is 14, and had been having trouble with depression and anger. I am getting him some medical help for this, and since we got back from vacation, he's had a better attitude. What scares me is when school starts, will the same problems as last year start up? I really hate it that certain bullies at school have to mess things up for kids that are more sensative than others. But I guess there are bullies in the adult world too.
CATHARINE3 8/24/06 9:06 A
Hi all, i have two very different teens, my daughter is almost 17 she is very much like every other teen but unfortunately she has a mental illness (going to treatment finally this week hopefully).
My son is a very special 15 year old, he is very much a teenager, likes to keep things his way, very mouthy at times, and he is striving for independance but he is also the sweetest kid I know.
I want to share this story, it makes me smile each time.
For almost 1 week since my daughter came back from not being home for almost a year, and causing a very stressful weekend, I was not being very motivated.
My son comes in to the living room where I was just lounging around, he says mom, I need to go for a walk, and I need you to come with me (we have been walking buddies for almost two months), and he puts my shoes on the floor, I look up into his face, and first hes very concerned but also a very serious and stern look on his face. He says to me, If you dont take care of yourself, than whos going to take care of me? I got up, put my shoes on, we went for a walk. He was making me laugh so much, that helped, when we were coming back on the way home, he turns me and says remember "if mommas not happy, nobody is happy"
I smiled and thanked him because I dont know what I would do if I didnt have him, he is so special, and such a good kid and he is absolutely right.
VIKIRAE 8/23/06 10:19 P
Hi ya all, new girl here. I was just browsing the topics and was excited to find one about the T word. Christina I too have a stepdaughter who's taller and bustier than me and with the same kind of developmental issues. She too would like to fit into the Paris clothes but will never do it. I explain to my girl about different body types and no matter how much weight she looses she will never be that shape. You can search the web for "somatotypes" and it will explain it better. She really gets that now and is more accepting of her shape/size. As you do I struggle to get her moving, she doesn't live with us which is frustrating because she gets keen to do things then goes back to her old habits. I have bought her a pedometer though and have given her bonuses for getting a certain distance...she can rack up some miles by going through the mall too..good luck!! Moving on... We have had my stepson living with us, man he makes me want to tear my hair out sometimes. He seems to think he should be able to have his girlfriend in his bed with him and gets mad when I make her get out. He's JUST 16-it does my head in. I live in NZ and the law is they can have sex at 16. However that's the problem, what the law allows and what I allow are 2 very different things.
SHAWNATONY 7/19/06 7:22 A
Anytime Donna :)
DONNAK05 7/19/06 4:23 A
Thanks everyone for your posts and supportive advice and info. I'm taking it day by day and trying to stay very positive. I am trying not to say anything negative about the boyfriend because I know it hurts her. Its just very hard watching her struggle and a nervous wreck with him. He is very good at controlling her and instilling into her head that he is the best for her and that her family does nothing for her. I know that is his way of controlling her. I can't get through to her that her family is the support system and has always been there for her. I just hope all her family values and morales that she was raised with are still stuck in her head. She has always been a great kid until she met this boyfriend. I'm just afraid of the dangerous situations she could be in and some of the decisions she has to make.
Again, thanks everyone for your help and advice. Its great to have a place like this to come to vent and to also help others out.
I'm thinking and praying for all of you here who also have problems and struggles.
Thanks
Donna
MYNDIL 7/18/06 2:17 P
Ummm! Well I didnt do that bad when i was a teen. Wow!!
CHRISTINA_CSR 7/18/06 1:39 P
Hi DonnaK05, I feel for your situation with your daughter and dealing with her boyfriend. I don't have as much control as you do because my stepdaughter(s) can retreat to the comfort of no rules at their mother's house. If I could, I would still keep her close with embrasing her boyfriend as a future part of the family, eating dinners together, and conversation about adult topics, such as how the job market is and such. I agree with IM-LOSIN-IT, that the boyfriend is a way of showing independence, I know that is what I did as a teenager, 25+ years ago. Plus, wanting to see how others are like, from families not like ours is tempting. Can you socialize with his parents? Have a family BBQ? The more you act like you aren't bothered by the boy, the more your daughter will re-examine her feelings about him and why she cares for him. Definitely have her working, if she has to spend her money all the time on him, that relationship won't last long. Im-LOSIN_IT is totally RIGHT ON for how to deal. My eldest stepdaughter (21) started dating, and we met her first "boyfriend". She talked to me all the time about how that was going. When he screened her calls, she broke up with him and started dating his friend, who we haven't met. Once thier relationship became "possibly heavy" she stopped talking to me, and says I am in her business. This was when she was 18 and now she is 21. I think she is still dating him, but I know she knows that he is not going to go over well with her father and me, so we still have not met him and she says he is just a friend. At 18, when she decided she didn't want to come over on the weekends, I sat her down and gave her "the talk", and a medical card so she can take care of her business. That is the best I can do, and wait for her to want to share. We still have a great relationship, we just don't know anything about her except her work and school issues. She is a great girl, and is going to college to be a first grade teacher, but she has a lot of secrets (or else she is very boring). Now, my other stepdaughter (14) is a wild card. UPDATE: right now she says she DOESN"T want to have sex EVER. She is in a health class over the summer, and I guess they showed her what a man's manliness looks like! She is totally freaked out and wants to know why it has to be so "UGH, I just can't go there" is somewhat what she said. I think we are safe for now, plus we have been talking about all the STDs that are out there, thanks to this health class (at a catholic high school?) Now I know what my mother went through!
IM-LOSIN-IT 7/18/06 10:41 A
Welcome Donnak05 ~
The last teenage years are definitely the hardest to get through...in my opinion anyway. Besides the regular independence stuff that is hard to come to terms with, it has been an emotional time for both my husband and I because we did everything with our son 24/7 and we all had a blast and now he wants more time away from home. What's with that? :)lol My husband and I decided last night that infertility has turned out to be a good thing because we wouldn't make it through more than one teenager. :)
I was just reading in the new issue of family Circle that kids sometimes date the opposite of what you want to help them gain independence. And everything that I've been reading tells parents not to say anything negative about the offensive boyfriend/girlfriend because you will cause your teen to become protective and rebellious of them. It all has to do with them gaining that independence.
We had conflict with my son over his girlfriend in the beginning because her family was opposite of ours and mixed in there was him suddenly wanting that independence. Now we've gotten to know her a little better and she's also coming to church with us every week. She has no rules and my son has rules, but both are working with our rules and everything is settling down again. I actually like his girlfriend now. :)
Well Donnak05, you definitely have it harder than usual, but just keep being there for your daughter and really push college. Have her get a job, too. If she's working and going to school she'll be able to see on her own that her boyfriend is a lazy bum and also have less time to spend with him.
Every mom of a teen that I know gets that pit in their stomachs at one time or another. That's when we really have to pray even harder. And one thing everyone tells me is that I'm going to live through this. :)
Tracy
SHAWNATONY 7/18/06 9:24 A
your very welcome! teenagers- so funloving and yet hearbreaking!! :)
DONNAK05 7/18/06 8:25 A
Thanks for the supportive words. I'm thinking about all of you out there with problems with your kids. I hope everyone comes through everything okay.
SHAWNATONY 7/18/06 7:22 A
Good morning.. Sorry to hear what your going thru-ugg. I cant imagine the issues with "girls"as my boys are teens , daughter still 11..so I have not been in this situation,or the heartache ones yet with any of my kids..but stick to your guns and let her be mad at you. She will get thru. - IN my prayers!!!
DONNAK05 7/18/06 5:02 A
I am so glad that I came to this message board. I didn't even know it was here until this morning. I was feeling really down about my 17 year old daughter. She is a smart girl on the honor roll, an athlete that could have a scholarship to a college in lacrosse but she has this loser boyfriend who she thinks is just wonderful. She is not the same kid when she is around him. He is abusive verbally to her and controlling. I'm at wits end and don't know what to do. My kids have been raised all around high family morales and we always did everything as a family. Now she wants to turn her back on her family because she thinks we are all wrong and that this boyfriend is just wondeful. He has a criminal record and does not work and quit high school. I can't get through to her.
I was feeling really down this morning but found this site and saw all your postings. I guess we are all in the same boat with that big pit in our stomach. I hope and pray we all get through this.
SHAWNATONY 7/17/06 10:18 P
Just checking in to say hi to everyone!
IM-LOSIN-IT 7/14/06 11:03 A
SHAWNATONY ~ Thanks! I've added you to my friends, too. My son corrects us when we're driving and it makes me laugh! Most of the time I let him drive because then it's like having my own cheap chauffeur. :)
CHRISTINA_CSR ~ That's really awesome that God used your 6 year old to bring you back to church!
SHAWNATONY 7/14/06 6:58 A
Good deal on the driving! I know my son drives alot and but now he corrects me when I drive! :) Hey you are great to talk to!! thanks!!!adding u 2 my friends!
SHAWNATONY 7/14/06 6:54 A
Hey there! In regard to adopted-I was adopted and I can tell you that my personality is sooo different than my mom and dad. And when I met my birth mom when I was 23, although we had never met, we had zillion things in common and beyond the physical it was little things like, favorite TV shows-food-hobby and even down to a favorite car, a 71 chevy nova! and she had one- how neat huh! and we both hated the color orange.. so just weierd. So I know what your saying there-congrats on meeeting your daughgter! That must of been a wonderful day!
CHRISTINA_CSR 7/14/06 2:06 A
Gosh, you gals are such sweet moms. And to know your teens so well, its so moving and encouraging. My 6yr old daughter asked me to start taking her to church, and we go every Sunday. I knew she would be the one to lead me back. My husband and my stepdaughter won't go, although I hope that they may come around one day. My stepdaughter went to a Lutheran school and is going to a Catholic High School. I am glad because if she went to public school she would be headed for a lot of trouble soon. I'm hoping the school keeps her in line with rules, and we talk. I did not like the Lutheran school or the pastor there, and she has not learned the power of worship. I sure hope that my young one and I stay close, and I know that us sharing church adds a special bond between us. Before I had my daughter, I thought being a stepmom could equate to another mom. Now I know the difference between blood and not. I love my stepdaughters very much, that doesn't change, but they aren't like me, and they have their own way of thinking. I wonder if adopted parents might feel the similar frustrations. I also have my oldest daughter, that my mother made me give up, and we know each other as of last year. We are so much alike, and she shares the same values. It is a dream realized, she is just like me yet I did not raise her. She is a Baptist Minister and is doing internship at a hospital to be a hospital chaplin to council terminally ill patients. God works in mysterious ways.
IM-LOSIN-IT 7/13/06 11:46 P
We've already gone through the driving thing. My son had logged in a massive amount of miles with his permit that by the time he got his license I wasn't too upset about it. I know what you mean about letting them lose in the world...but that's were the prayer has really helped me. :)
I don't like the breaking away part so much. That's been really hard but we're going to make it. :)
SHAWNATONY 7/13/06 8:11 P
oh yes-familar with the site- listen to him alot of mornings on our station here(dobson). Im very blessed that all 3 of my kids are on the 'right' track. They are never disrespectful, they love to be with us(so far) and because we are soo close its so hard for me, with my oldest, who will be driving in just few weeks-all by himself and he will have this world of independance- and I just want him to take it slow.Of Course he is a teen, so he kinda thinks I worry too much, but so far he has all my trust in the world, so I just have to give him the freedom and keep praying- LOL.. and its hard on the heart to a bit to see your kids start to grow up(exciting too but..) in the same.. when he decides on a friday night to go out with some friends rather than with the rest of us to a movie.. ahh, that will be hard- But I know it needs to happen :) You know how people say you cant belive you you just instanly fall in love with them when they are born, and that you never thought you could love someone so much?? I tell you when they get to the teens15/16) and start breaeaking away- the love you have is the just like that.. I never knew this part would be like this!! LOL.. thanks for the kinds words! ( Always nice to hear!!
IM-LOSIN-IT 7/13/06 12:49 P
SHAWNATONY ~ I agree with you and I would be in the nuthouse by now if I didn't know that God was protecting my son.
I found an awesome website that has tons of great advice for raising teens: www.family.org. Just type "teenager" in the seach box.
Our pastor does the Turning Point radio show and while he was talking about raising teens he mentioned this verse: "A student is not above his teacher, but everyone whose is fully trained will be like his teacher." (Luke 6:40, NIV) That verse has stuck in my mind and gives me great comfort while I'm raising my teenager. :)
SHAWNATONY 7/12/06 12:15 P
Tracy- do want to say quick- that YES church does help. If it wasnt for me knowing sometimes where my kids's hearts are I would completely go nuts! It helps to know that when they withdraw a bit and be teenagers! I know I can trust God and just pray for them...
SHAWNATONY 7/12/06 11:39 A
Hey all. I dont know what to post yet, have 2 teens and a 11 yr old and my one son will be 16 in aug and im having such a hard time with his independance.. so alot to type but cant right now(at work).. but wanted to make sure and get in on this board!!!
MOMMYSALAMI 7/10/06 1:34 P
I dont know whats gotten into these kids lately. I definitely do not see their lives any harder than what we had. I dont understand how they can be so ungrateful. Yesterday, the family was eating out for dinner. My son was mad because I made him share a pop with me. Im not a big pop drinker, so I thought a few sips would be ok. He was mortified that he had to share. No, he couldnt be grateful that he had a wonderful dinner. He had to see the bad in the situation. Grrr
Christina, it must be especially hard on you because the are step children. I couldnt even imagine!
Keep up updated!!! Hugs Lisa
CHRISTINA_CSR 7/7/06 10:08 P
Maybe this teen-apathy is generational, because my 14yr old stepdaughter doesn't care about anything/anyone and she says the most instensitive things. On the 4th, while watching the fireworks at a local park, she said "All that celebrating about the revolution, and all that fighting and bombs burstin' in air, I don't even know why the revolutionary war was fought anyway..." I was floored. I said maybe if she was in Russia, China, or Iran she might be thankin' those boys for the revolution and us having the USofA and for all the fighting since to keep us free so she can have her MTV and all that. I told her I was going to make her watch "Red Dawn" so maybe she could understand how important real freedom is. Then yesterday she said some NASTY comment in the car, with the family including the 6yr old, about some guy saying"I didn't ask him to c%# on me, just if I could know his name" and I was floored again. We didn't comment, because that would bring attention and that is what she wants.
She's not talking to me today, because I made her go to bed early last night, and she wanted to stay up and talk about "Boys" and what she can and can't think. I think she gets a thrill out of the conversation. She is not dating yet, but like in an earlier post, she is obsessed with men,boys,talking sex (possibly phone sex) and she doesn't value any friendships. She knows she has family and they won't go away so she is happy with her journal, family, and fantasies. I don't know where she will be at 18, but something has got to wake her up. Sorry for venting, but just when I think she and I are on the same page, she pushes my buttons and I go off... or at least fume inside.
I know the kids today have it harder to start out, my 21yr old stepdaughter is still at her mothers, though more goal oriented, going to college and working, but she is worried 'cause she wants to live nice. The 14yr old wants the privilages of the older, but is not and never will be as sweet and caring and responsible as her older sister. When there are two siblings, are they always opposite?
MOMMYSALAMI 7/7/06 10:14 A
UPDATE: My son did take the chance on checking out that program. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity. They provide low income housing, transporation, one on one counseling, and so much more. It not a lock down program. It helps kids become independant and successful adults. He needs to find a job though ASAP. They will help him if needed, IF he proves he has done everything he can to find one on his own.
Tomorrow we hit the pavement to fill out applications. I PRAY this will be his ladder leading him out of this hole and that he will take the steps needed.
One day at a time right???
VIXENOFE 7/7/06 9:16 A
It's tough when they hit that age, not really an adult or a child. Are you more concerned about his physical health, or is it more an issue of depression?
The hardest part may be for you to let him know that when he's ready you'll help him, but until he asks for it, there's not much else you can do.
MOMCLP 7/6/06 10:54 A
I know how hard it is. You can't really make him care, and you feel so helpless when they don't want to get help. My son is younger, but he is so cynical about the world. I don't really have any advice for you except to keep on trying so that at least he knows that someone is around worth caring for.
IM-LOSIN-IT 7/6/06 10:29 A
MOMMYSALAMI ~ I'm sorry that you guys are having such a hard time! Has your son graduated from high school and does he have plans for college? I know it's not politically correct to say this to you, but bringing your son to church might help. (It did for us.) Also volunteer work might give him a purpose. I'll be praying that all goes well with your intervention. Tracy
MOMMYSALAMI 7/6/06 10:17 A
Today, I thank God I found this thread. My wonderful (hear the sarcasm?) son who is 18 is giving me HELL. Hes not your typical teen in the fact that he just doesnt care. How do you make a child care? Today we are waiting for an intake into a program called family Youth Intervention. Im praying he will enter this program and it will help. As of last night, he was insistant that he was NOT going because they wouldnt be able to help either. He feel desperate and hopeless and I dont know how to help him! Ask him what he wants or what he expects and he says NOTHING. It so hard, so very very hard....
IM-LOSIN-IT 7/3/06 4:01 P
CHRISTINA_CSR ~ I think that you did the right thing by setting your step-daughter straight on what grown men really want from teen girls. I wish that it wasn't so hard for teens to see that what's on the inside is what really counts.
CHRISTINA_CSR 7/3/06 3:46 P
Hi VIXENOFE, My stepdaughter also thinks she is BIG, but recently she started to get more of a shape even though the gut is still there. She is not one to exercise AT ALL. She is also way taller than me, about 5'9" and she says that all the boys want the model types, not "her type". She says men want her type. It is kind of a scary time because we only have her on weekends, and she just doesn't understand that she is supposed to be interested in boys, especially because she is starting a new High School so now there are older boys, bigger boys, and so many crushes she could have, but she still insists that no boy would be interested in her, only men.
One way I keep her a child, and it builds self immage, is we will make a collage of a topic, like last Valentine's Day we did one on "What is Love...". This week, being 4th of July and we have her all week, we will do one on something like "What is important to me..." A long time ago we did one with words found in magazines on describing yourself, with your name fancy in the middle "Kimberly is..." then surround it with the phrases and words. It really gives a parent an insite to what the child is thinking, and we interact together, and then hang them on the wall. My 6yr old does one too, so we hang ALL work on the wall for a while so that all the kids feel special and accounted for.
As for exercise, I do my eliptical in the livingroom, and she comes in and sits on the sofa, for the full 45 minutes writing in her journal. She has no interest in exercise, and I do my weights outside, and she follows me, but has no interest. We will walk the dog today, hopefully for 2-3 miles (about 40min to 1hour) and she will have to come because the whole family goes. She wants to loose the gut, but she won't move. We will be going to the beach on Thurs. so she will suffer through that too. You can't make them move, but you can make them reflect with projects, and most of the time, just that time spent with them makes them feel special and boosts their self image. We have some games we play together and while we play we talk. As for the guy talk, I usually let her talk, becuase she does hear herself and later contredicts herself saying men liking children are sick. Then later she will go back on how she likes men, 'cause they look at her. The other night I couldn't take it and told her that the only men interested in her were pedifiles and wanted her for perverted use. She's not talking to me right now, but my silence gave her the idea that I was agreeing. She still follows me around like a cat. 14 to 21 is such a hard time for girls, and probably boys, they are just trying to find themselves, sometimes by being someone else. Also, when your daughter goes on about her weight, she may try to be getting agreement, so change the topic to something slightly different like clothes, or hair, or how she is doing in school, hobbies, etc. I try to limit the TV watching of celebraties becuase that is how they get those feelings. We saw a show one Paris Hilton last night, and she just got so discusted becuase she can't wear clothes like that, no one can really. The boys want Paris, is her answer, and my reply is "what is there to hold, and anyway, she only has these few good years, then she'll be a hasbeen so yesterday, and she's only known for the porn with her boyfriend on the internet. That is all she will be remembered for." We just avoid these shows, but she gets to watch all that 24/5 at her mother's house.
VIXENOFE 7/2/06 2:26 P
My daughter is 14, and has a terrible body image. She thinks she's fat even though she is at a very healthy weight. Sometimes I feel sad for her that there is all this pressure to be perfect.
KCLAY61 7/1/06 11:04 P
LOL - Uber angry - that means VERY angry. My kids use Uber all the time. It just means Very or a lot. Sometimes my oldest will say "oh my god he is uber hot" LOL
MOMCLP 7/1/06 10:56 P
My son just told me he loves me even though sometimes I get "uberangry." Whatever that means.
KCLAY61 7/1/06 12:27 P
Thought I would drop a few lines here - as you can see from my sig I have 5 kids. My oldest daughter and my oldest son was a breeze. My youngest son was never easy, and at 24 he still isn't. He lies and steals. Yet when he is in a good mood he is fun to be around. He makes you laugh and you have a good time around him. He is one of those that blames everyone else for his problems instead of looking in the mirror and blaming the person staring back at him.
My youngest two are just now 13. One is a primadona. She is a sweet girl but man oh man can she be prissy. My other daughter is a smart mouth, but not to me. Her and her sister(s)go at it all the time. She can't just answer with a yes or no it has to be a smart answer every time.
I have brought my children up with the knowledge that they can come to me with any kind of problem, question, etc. The only one that has never done this is my youngest son. Why? I don't know. Who will he go to? My mother and father. That is fine just as long as he will talk to someone. I wish it would be me. My mom said he won't talk to me because he don't want to disappoint me. He doesn't realize nothing he does or says will disappoint me. I try to reassure all of my kids everytime I talk to them.
I have had my kids friends come to me and tell me "i wish my parents were as open as you are" I have never hidden anything from my kids.
My oldest daughter and I talk to each other like we are best friends. Maybe we are but she knows that I am her mother first and foremost then we are friends. That also goes with my other children.
As for me when I was a teen. I wasn't a problem. I did sneak out but I never went far and I never did anything dangerous. My DH was the same. I guess it was the different upbringing back then. When we got in trouble we got our butt's tore up. Nowadays parents are afraid to spank their kids or punish them in anyway. I have never understood this.
The worst spanking my oldest daughter got was when she was 15. I tore her up. She stole something, lied about it, then tried to blame her brothers. I had the evidence in my hands when I confronted her and she still tried to lie about it. The following day she had to confront the person(s)she stole from and had to give the object back.
I am NOT a wussy parent. I stand up to my kids and tell them how it's going to be point blank. If they have a problem with my rules they can come to me and tell me why they have a problem with my rule(s)and what they believe a more fair punishment should be. Sometimes I go along sometimes I don't.
I don't give in to "but all my friends have one". So what? If their parents want to buy them cell phones or pagers or cars, etc. then so be it but my kids will work for it they will NOT be handed anything on a silver platter.
OK sorry I got side tracked a bit.
Just realize - your kids test you every single day because they want to know you are watching them. They might get mad but they will get glad again. And when they get older, like mine, they will thank you, like mine have. Just remind them that you love them and the big thing LISTEN TO THEM! Be there to lend an ear like you would to your best friend. Don't judge them just listen. If they want your opinion then give it to them. If they don't then say nothing. Just let them know you are there for them for any reason. Even if it is just to listen.
SOKRFAMILIA 6/29/06 9:03 P
So when do the girls actually grow up, mine is 25 and I don't see it yet.
EILYTHIA111 6/29/06 12:48 A
Boys go through the WORST hormone changes. Sometimes I think I should put a leash on mine! Fortunately they eventually grow up! (four of my boys are 19 or older and finally acting like adults - its REALLY nice! Especially since two are daddies now themselves.)
CHRISTINA_CSR 6/29/06 12:45 A
Hi MOMCLP, I was just wondering, don't teenage BOYS go through the raging hormone changes, like girls?
Maybe working with your son was a blessing, so that you could interact in a different environment, not really as mom/son but co-workers. That's so great! Good luck in hanging out with him on a hike. Maybe he will start a conversation?!?!..
MOMCLP 6/28/06 9:57 P
My son and I actually had a good day today, not one argument. He even smiled at me! He is working with me now, and came over to see me every once and awhile during the workday. Nice. We are going camping this weekend, just the family. Maybe my teen and I can go out for a hike, just the two of us...but I'm not going to push it.
IM-LOSIN-IT 6/27/06 5:51 P
I think that the late teen years are the hardest part of being a parent. I want my son to grow up, but I'm bummed that he's almost grown up! Does that sound crazy?
SOKRFAMILIA 6/27/06 4:47 P
oh how I can so relate to you all. My kids, on somedays just really push my buttons. My daughter constantly wanted to leave the house without letting us know where she was going to when she would come back. Well that didn't set well with us so she was never out. I don't know if that was really a good idea though. She was a pain, always fighting with us and her brothers. Did lousy in school, dropped out after her junior year. Left home, had a child, has been in and out of our house for four years, til I finally put a stop to it. She will be 25 this year and lives a wild life. I worry about her, but she is a grown up now. Now I just watch out for my granddaughter. My son is now 21, in the fall he will be a senior in college. But lazy as all sin. Has never really held a job, but spends money galore. He is going to have a rude awakening when he finishes school because he has a large student loan that will need to be paid off. Youngest son is 16, hard worker both jobwise and at home. Helps us alot. But has a mouth on him like you wouldn't believe. His uncle wanted to take him to mexico this weekend for a two week vacation, but because of his smart mouth I said no.
My kids are generally good kids, no drugs, no cigarettes, no drinking, but just think mom and dad are rich and we need to support them for the rest of their lives. Just hard to get them to grow up and face lives responsibilities.
And to think I really wanted more than just three.
NANNER60 6/26/06 4:32 P
I agree. My daughter and I communicate much better if we are doing something. While in the car is good, or watching TV. I think they feel less threatened or put on the spot if you are doing something else at the same time.
CHRISTINA_CSR 6/24/06 2:38 A
About talking with Teenagers:
I don't know if this helps, but with my girls, I find that doing things and slipping in some talking while doing goes a long way. Like if we play board games or a Nintendo game together, or I show interest in the 14 yr olds SIM games (on gameboy Adv), and try to care, I can ask why she thinks certian things and such. It starts the talking. Or we will be watching a TV show, and we talk about someone elses problems that are our issues(but we don't say that). It starts the talk. Sometimes we'll make collages of a topic, like Love on Valentines Day, to see what they think is Love, stuff like that. More of your time spent makes them feel special to you. Boring everyday talk while doing things, turns into snippits of imporatant talk inbetween. I know that boys don't normally talk as much, but they do listen. I read somewhere that they are more open if they are active doing something, such as walking, shooting hoops, biking, or working on a model or basically preoccupied with the physical, the mental just starts to flow. Just a thought.
IM-LOSIN-IT 6/23/06 10:21 P
Hi Brandy ~ I had two miscarriages and my son. I wanted three kids but didn't want to have the fertility shots since I didn't want to have eight kids at once. :) Anyway, now I don't regret having just one. There are some perks like there's nobody for him to fight with like my brother and I did. I'm happy so it all worked out for the best. Have a great weekend! Tracy
BRANDY282006 6/23/06 4:59 P
I have one little boy of my own he is 7, but I always wanted more but we already had three so i elected to have my tubes tied. I regret it on most days but I know it is for the best.Thanks for your comments. Brandy
IM-LOSIN-IT 6/23/06 3:03 P
Hi Brandy ~ I use to cry over not being able to have more kids but the upside turns out to be that I only have to go through the teen years once. :) And my son has been sooooo easy compared to others I've heard about. I know that it's natural for them to get a little rebellious so that we get a little more ready for them to be grown...but it's still hard when you're going through it. Tracy
BRANDY282006 6/23/06 2:37 P
I really like your definition of a teenager and it is to true. I have two teen daughters and somedays I wonder if they are actually human.They are really not to bad, my 17 is a pretty good girl but my 15 year old is going threw her rebel stage I sure hope she grows out of it soon. Brandy
IM-LOSIN-IT 6/23/06 1:27 P
Did you tell him that you wouldn't call him in late for summer school but that he could take a nap if he came home cranky? :) My son HAS to get his sleep or he's a grump. I don't think teens realize how much sleep they still need while they're growing.
MOMCLP 6/23/06 10:21 A
lol...funny stuff. I've already started my day with an argument with my teen. After staying up late last night, he didn't want to get up for summer school. "I just need another hours sleep, can't you call me in late?" Unbelievable!
IM-LOSIN-IT 6/22/06 11:01 A
Sometimes it's hard to believe that we'll make it through the teenage years. This made me giggle...I hope that you do, too. :)
DEFINITION OF A TEENAGER
Teenager (noun)
1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets. Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether. Very territorial.
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility. The males of the species forage for food constantly and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous.
The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development. Males indicate their approval by staring at the display. The call of the female is complex and shrill: "Like, O m'Gosh! O m' Gosh!" Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?"
Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, "I'm doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK." The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one or more than one Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice.
2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager.")
3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. ("I have a Teenager at home.") Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.
MOMCLP 6/22/06 10:05 A
I think that one of my problems with my teen is that we can't talk anymore without it turning into a debate. He has his opinions, and is not afraid to voice them! That's good, to a point, but he also needs to realize that different people may disagree with him. It seems like we have at least one disagreement a day. My hubby is also on my case because I let my teen get away with things that he wouldn't let him do. Well...I'm the one that's with him, and I need to pick my battles or we'd be fighting all day!
EILYTHIA111 6/21/06 2:01 A
Hi everybody, I really can sympathize with all of you! I've had my share of challenging teens here!
One thing I really stressed with my kids was the concept of "consequences". You can give your kids choices, and then lay out the possible consequences - and these can be both positive and negative consequences. You have to be tough about this, which can be really hard! If you don't follow through, the kids will figure the next time, they don't have to listen. It doesn't hurt to be on the same wavelength with all the other adults in the kids' lives. Even if you don't like somebody, you still have a common interest - the kids, and that needs to override other issues.
The most effective tool I found with my kids was simply talking WITH them. That means telling them about things in my life that make me happy, angry, frustrated, sad or whatever. I let them know if money was a problem or if I was worried about something. At the same time, I try to encourage them to be open with me. This may be hard at first, but you can learn more about your kids by throwing out questions at unexpected times (gets them off guard!)
There is hope though! I really wondered sometimes if some of my kids would make it to 18. So far so good! I still have 4 under the age of 18.....
IM-LOSIN-IT 6/20/06 10:33 P
I think that's a great plan. Staying home or having him at your work accomplishes the same thing because you'll know what's going on.
Bette Davis said that getting old isn't for sissies...but I think that it's raising teens that's not for sissies. After teens, old age is going to be a breeze. :)
MOMCLP 6/20/06 10:03 P
Well, we worked out a plan that he can make up the days that he missed. I am not quitting my job, but going part time and my son is getting a job at my workplace. I'm not sure how this will be, but at least I'll know where he is. And he can learn how to work for his money. I'm hoping for better communication, maybe going to some counseling will help. Thanks for everyone's advice, I'll let you know how it's going.
IM-LOSIN-IT 6/20/06 11:01 A
I have a 17 year old son and feel that staying home during his teenage years has been much more important than during his younger years. It hasn't been easy financially to stay home, but it has been worth it and is the most important thing I've ever done. The teen years are when kids want to grow up fast, but they really still want their parents guidance and rules to feel secure. Definitely respect and keeping communication open has been important.
CHRISTINA_CSR 6/20/06 1:02 A
I have a StepDaughter (14) starting High School early (because she wants to start her social life early and get a jump on the others entering High School). She has major problems with self-worth, but she talks to me since she is punished by her mom.
So far to keep her in-line:"MySpace", email, cell phone (she can borrow a friends if she needs one). Since there's no money for this stuff, or she can't have it, she has seen her friends get in trouble by using these items. She knows she won't be getting a car/driving till she gets money for the car. Every big thing that a lot of kids get for being kids, she has to work for with either grades or money. Oh all the money goes to private school to control the peer factors, at least during school. I don't know how long these control factors will last, hopefully till she is out of High School. But if the kid isn't talking, she is definitely doing... so watch out for when the lines of communication stop! kids want respect, that they have earned. If they don't earn it, they want discepline, to know their parents care. They want to be heard, and acknowledged. At least this is how my StepDaughter is, but if she's not talking, that is where the trouble lies. I hope this is a little helpful.
KAMINA 6/19/06 11:38 P
Hi Take it from someone who has been there and is still there, staying home will just create more problems. If you are home more your teen will just leave the house more, we alults cramp there style. All so the best thing for you is to be able to have you time away (separate life) it is what keeps us sane. Take care Shawna
MOMCLP 6/19/06 9:46 P
My 14 year old is driving me crazy. I have two other children, ages 8 and 10. My teenager suddenly started failing in school, and I just found out today that he has to repeat the 8th grade because he skipped out of summer school Friday and today. I'm about ready to quit my job because I have to be away from home 40 hours a week and can't keep tabs on my teenager. And this is just the beginning?
JAYJO64 6/19/06 6:42 P
My mother told me when I was 16 or so, "I love you but I don't find it easy to like you." At the time, I was kind of hurt but deep down I kind of understood what she meant. And when my daugher turned 16, I then understood exactly what she had meant. Things seem to be better now that she's 17, if that's any hope!
KAMINA 6/18/06 11:57 A
Oh That sounds so true. I really try and remember that, whether I like it or not, Jason is a young adult and needs to find his independence during a very trying time. Hormones, we could do with a control button for those. Take care, Shawna
SASSYBRAT 5/31/06 3:34 A
one night my husband and i sat up giggling and reminising about our teenage years and all the stuff we pulled that our parents never knew about ...laughing about the "punishments" they tried to enforce on us and how we said this or did that...and at some point we realized, what hateful brats we had been and how our parents were trying to make our lives better..so we each sat down and wrote a letter of apology to our parents, for our teenage behavior. and told them how thankful we were that even though we were terrors! that we had such grounded parents that provided us with such a loving home to come home to in all the craziness that surrounded us as teenagers. we hand delivered these letters and read them outloud to our parents and told them how much we loved them and appreciated all they did for us when we were young.
and btw...my mother says this...you LOVE your kids until they are 13 then you just tollerate them until they are 25 and turn back into humans lol
SPARKLESMAGIC 5/26/06 6:06 A
Remember the times when we were teenages? What our parents must have gone through?!
BUFFEDSTUFF 5/23/06 11:09 P
Come on don't take it personal, you are a great mother. ( you know how I know because you care) don't look at yourself as a failure, you are doing the best that you know how and the best that you can and in my humble opinion that is something you should be very proud of. Now stop being so hard on yourself
STACESIGNS 5/23/06 9:56 P
Wow! Can I ever relate to this topic. If there was ever anything I could 'blame' for causing me to overeat.... I know, I know, it's my choice. My 14 year old son is also ADHD, and he is such a handful. Nothing has ever been so exhausting in my life. It seems that no matter what I do, it's wrong. And the mouth! I can't imagine saying the things he says to my mother. I don't think I've ever tried harder, and yet felt like more of a failure at anything in all my life.
BUFFEDSTUFF 5/23/06 12:48 A
it is so hard being a teenager I mean you don't fit into that cute little kid box anymore and you are not ready to be an adult and then you are trying to liberate from your parents so you can be who you were designed to be. It is scary so you hurt those you love sometimes. Don't worry you will survive parenting them and they will turn out to be wonderful adults,. its just the road getting there is bumpy at times.
KAMINA 5/22/06 9:53 P
Hey, It's hard to know what is really in these kids best interest. Shawna
GIZMO14617 5/22/06 6:30 P
I understand your frustration. I have one better. My middle son is a complete brain. Doesn't have to try at all. Unfortunately he would rather skip school. It is his second year in 9th. grade and the school is frustrated w/ him. They have put him on a short schedule for the rest of the year. We're hoping he won't skip and make it to 10th.
KAMINA 5/21/06 11:00 A
Hi, My son just started acting like a teenager when he turned 15. He is staying out late, drinking, etc. He has Learning Disabilities and ADHD. School wasn't working for him, he is really struggling with his academics and gets angry really quickly at school so I pulled him out for the rest of the world. I don't know if I am helping him or reinforcing the behaviour.
GIZMO14617 5/21/06 9:04 A
How do you cope? It is normal teen things but extremely frustrating, over welming. I hope I don't have a nervous breakdown before they reach adulthood.
