Hi There. In response to your message... I have two boys of my own, 11 & 8. I have remarried to a man with two teenage daughters. As if stepparenting isn't hard enough...then we have to throw 2 teenaged girls into the mix.
You were saying that you have given and given and done unselfish acts and bent over backwards for your step children and you are basically a wicked step monster. I am in the same boat. I have been with the girls father for almost 4 years and been married for 7 months. Their father and I have fought alot about how he lets his girls get away with doing nothing and getting everything. We fight almost every time they come for a visit because I have a full time job and two kids of my own and I don't feel that it's an enjoyable weekend when all I get to do is work and run them around and still have them stab me in the back. Either way I lose. I am always the one who is the cause of turmoil in their eyes. No one ever sees that I sacrifice myself to make them and their father happy. My boys sit in the background and wonder, "what about us?" when the girls come to visit because the girls are very dominating of my time and their fathers time, and they seem to think they own this home when they come here. I, as you are, a stranger in the house that I have worked so hard to make a home.
They leave their room and bathroom a total disaster and I am expected to have it cleaned up before they come back. I went out of my way and spent my own time and money to buy nice things for their room and make it feel like their own and it's never enough. I have changed their room twice now and refuse to do it again. I guess my biggest problem is that one day I'm ok and "cool" and the next thing I know I am being blamed for them never wanting to come here and spend any time with their dad because QUOTE, "I always start a fight with their dad because I am jealous of the attention that he gives them". When actually I would almost rather send them on their way with him some other place than here at home! I welcome the peace and quiet!
Them being teenagers, I think that if I weren't in the picture, everything would stay the same. Meaning they wouldn't come up to visit then either because their social life is more important. The only change would be that I wouldn't be here for them to blame because they feel guilty for not seeing enough of their dad.
I wish I could tell you to hang in there, and that it gets better. I have heard that it does and it can given time. I feel the only thing that may make a difference is when they are mature enough and have been hurt enough to understand how it feels to hurt.
At this point, I don't want to have a thing to do with the little darlings.... and of course it's all my fault and I am being immature in their fathers eyes. But how many times can you be hurt before you finally say OUCH!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!
SHAUNNA_LYNN 4/11/07 8:04 P
My step-daughter's Mom and I get along very well for the most part. We take the kids out for lunch, or to the beach etc. all the time, just the two Mom's. I watch her other two daughters from time to time when she needs a hand too. We (my fiance, his ex, her hubby, and I) are all very friendly and can communicate well with each other. We really want to try for week on week off now that she is 6 and old enough to understand why she has 2 homes. This would meen one transfer between homes as opposed to 4 the way it is now. Apparanlty the courts are leaning to as equal parenting time as possible, because it IS what is best for the child, if both homes are healthy and stable of course. We would much rather settle things out of court just between the 4 of us, because when you go to court, the child loses and only the lawyers win. I always say that being a step parent is hard because you have to try that much harder to create a lasting bond with a step child, because that maternal bond is not there. I sure so love my step-daughter and I think that it is what's best for her to see this family as much as she sees the other. And we do live very close, so she could attend the same school without a hitch, which makes it nice.
26WEST 4/11/07 12:23 P
I am a mother of three, one of which is my step-daughter. At first I defineately was not friends with her mom but since I have been around for so long we are now kind of friends- we share helpful hints with regards to our daughter and dealing with the father also- if you would like to share advice let me know--Deb
WV4X4MOM 4/9/07 10:55 P
Oh trust me, I still keep my guard up. I have worried, cried and had too many restless nights not to. Friendship is easier but not at the cost of my son.
My son actually still cries when he has to go to their house and if he sees me while he is with them, he throws a fit to go home with me. Our biggest fight in the beginning was his father wanted to have him every other month. I fought like hell to stop it and they have him every other weekend and every wednesday night. They both have admitted that the way it is now is how it should be. But, as you stated, I know that could all change.
Thanks for the reply....I am always interested to see how things are for others in my situation.
NAILCHICK 4/9/07 9:40 P
Just an FYI my best friend was close to FOC (father of child) and his girlfriend turned wife. Real close! When their son got to be about 12/13 my friend let him live for the summer with FOC and then they kept him a bit longer and she was being nice by letting him stay there. Long story short... FOC and new wife took her to court and since he resided with FOC they got custody of her son till he was 18 even though her son did not want to live there... So stay smart... Ohh I spent $20,000.00 and four years on lawyers to protect my two daughters. But I don’t talk nor see my ex or his wife ... LOL Oh Well my girls are of age by far so I don't need to worry about any of it now ... Good Luck friendship is easier ...Sue
WV4X4MOM 4/9/07 11:33 A
This many be alittle off topic but I was hoping for a little input from some stepmothers also.
I have a 4.5 year old son and I was never married to his father. I have spent about $10,000 in legal fees over the last 4.5 years trying to keep my son as stable as possible. Every spare penny I seem to have was going to my lawyer.
Well about 2.5 years ago my sons father met a girl in our town. To be honest, I didn't have anything against her because I didn't know her. She seemed nice and my son seem to spend most of his time with her during his fathers parenting time.
To make a long story short, they ended up getting married and now they have a 9 month old son. I took my son to the hospital after their son was born and even though my plan was to leave him there for an hour or so and then come back, they ended up asking me to stay also. I held the baby and actually kinda felt close to him because he is my sons brother.
After that day, everything started to change. I have not been drug to court since, we are able to communicate without getting lawyers involved and I have made a great new friend.
I was just wondering if any of the stepmoms who have posted are friends with their stepchildrens real mothers. I admit I don't talk with my sons father all that much but I truly enjoy talking with his wife. It's a big change from how it use to be and I am praying that it stays this way. This new found calmness has really helped in ways than I would have ever imagined. My stess level has dropped and so has my weight.
Any input would be great....Teresa
NORMZRIB 4/8/07 10:56 P
Lynn - I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. You are right - you can't be with him if you can't be with her - and that is your decision to make. If he cannot recognize his daughter for her true behaviour and allow that to be devisive between you - its a no go. Of course you need to have told him how you feel. But some father's can't get past guilt they feel about being the parent they should be.
If you are to make it - it won't be because of a child that is not yours, but because it is a child of yours, your choice. As long as you look at it that way, it won't work. If you had a child and it acted the same way - believe me it IS possible that if this child controls him this way another one could - you would deal with it. So you either accept this life or not. No blame to you if you don't. No good to you if you force yourself to do something that makes you miserable.
Like others have said sometimes steps don't reap the rewards until much later - I know that has been true for me but there HAVE been rewards from my kids I didn't bear.
Search your heart and see if this is in you. If you continue and it is not, you, he and she will be hurt. If you continue and and committed to him and adopt this little girl into your heart, the road won't be easy, but all of you may be the better for it.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I hope the best for you all.
NORMZRIB 4/8/07 10:44 P
If it works out that the mom accepts that I hope it works out for you. Usually that doesn't happen for some time because while beneficial to the dad's family, it can be hard on the child. The belief is that the more stability the better. Now if you guys live in the same area very close, it may work out. So that going to school and stuff is not confusing. It sounds as if she is used to having you all in her life which is good.
I don't know how to work the certificate thing. In the case of one of my children the dad was on the certificate, but the child had the same last name as I. You do want to make sure that he is included in all matters of concern for her, so that her schools welcome and acknowledge him - rather than him being excluded. If she doesn't agree, he may want to pursue that legally.
I am in a blended family of 8 children, many grown now, so we definitely have theirs, mine and ours. Just always keep what is the best for the child the primary consideration.
I hope that it all goes well for each of you.
PERIDOTLILY 3/21/07 10:59 P
We do week on and week off and I love it. I have no children of my own so I get a week with kids and a week without. Best of both worlds! I want a child of my own but I'll take this for now!
SHAUNNA_LYNN 3/21/07 4:57 P
I actually just posted this as a new topic before I found this thread and I wanted to post it here for some other step-mom's input...
Just wondering what kind of visitation some of the split families are doing. My fiance and I are stuggling to accept the amount of time we see his daughter. We do see her regualrly but not enough. We have her every second weekend from friday at 5pm until Sunday at 5pm, and then once a week for dinner from 5pm until 8pm. She is 6 years old, and we are wanting to approach her Mom and Step-Dad with the week on, week off plan. There are 2 other childern on her Mom's side, and 2 other childern in our house, so I think that it is only fair for her to experience just as much time here as she does there. Everything is decided outside of court very amicably, so it would be nice for this to be as well. My finace has always payed his child support and has always wanted to and has been a part of his daughter's life.
Another factor we are very concerned about is that she did not put a father on their daughter's birth certificate, I understand when some women do it that it is deffinately in the best interest of the child, there are some dead beat guys out there who do not deserve to be fathers, but that is not ture of my fiance, he is and has always been a very nice guy who is an excellent and loving Dad. We would like to see his name added to her Birth Certificate, and I don't think that is too much to ask. I was wanting some opinions on that too.
NAILCHICK 3/21/07 12:25 A
I have been a step mom for now over 16 years. After all the heartache, headaches and anguish I have endured. I think they really love me now. Actually they always have, they just didn’t know how to show it and I couldn’t see it. The boys are now 34 and 30 years old; we can now act like a family and not rip each others heads off at the dinner table that includes the siblings too. I have two girls of my own and the oldest three all fought bad, real bad. The youngest was too young but they all were very jealous of her (even my oldest daughter) till just recently when the youngest graduated from high school. When we met the kids were, my husband’s sons: 18 & 13 my girls: 3 & 15 (which both of mine have different dads of each other and not my husbands). So it sounds like a long journey it is but the pay off is very good. Ooh also I have long been the Step-B ----. But I have stepped up now and they even sometimes slip out a mom or I love you. So all the Step –B-----‘s don’t feel so bad. Their dad didn’t stand up for me either which made our marriage a very hard one. But now if we lived through that we can last forever. But you do have to be up for the battle and adding your own latter just makes it harder. So you have to be very, very, very strong … Good Luck you’re a great woman if you take them on... Sue
PERIDOTLILY 3/20/07 10:18 P
You are not a horrible person! These feelings are valid and real. Being a step parent is one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. The one thing I can say is the counseling helped us a lot! If the boyfriend doesn't want to go then go for yourself. The step situation is a toughie but you'll get through it day by day, hour by hour LOL! The doesn't listen I swear is somewhat part of the age and a little of the fact that you're a step, your boyfriend needs to step in but you also have to stand up for yourself. Last time I checked step parent doesn't mean door mat. Good Luck!
BAILEYBOO2 3/18/07 12:37 P
Hi, I am a step mom to a 7 year old girl. I have been with her father two years. We have lived together for a year and a half. I find it very difficult and wonder if I should stay every day. I share a lot of the same feelings some of you have shared (frustration, resentment, jealousy and guilt for starters). I really don't know how to do this. I feel guilty and think that I should be able to do this.
There are issues of how she behaves and she doesn't listen to me. She tells lies and is very sneaky at times. I can't help but be fearful of what lies ahead, especially in the teen years. She is a master manipulator. Basically, I just try to have as little as much contact for my sanity. However, that is not working it is only serving to make me more of an outsider.
We have her every second day and every second weekend and boy is it way too much for me. I never feel like a normal person. Someone mentioned earlier they don't know how to feel they belong in their own house and i feel exactly the same. I feel like such an outsider it is overwhelming and boyfriend doesn't get it. So therefor it is just me and I am being silly and imature (in his eyes). I don't want to feel this bitterness, but it is so much sacrifice for someone that is not yours. Help. I have been over this a million times and it is so nice to know that I am not the horrible person that I sometimes feel and that these feelings are very normal. Deep down I know I can't have a relationship with him if I can't have one with her. So I have to make some type of move.
Thanks for sharing your feelings, it helps to know I am not alone.
Lynn
PERIDOTLILY 3/13/07 8:30 P
Hi! I'm a step mom to three wonderful little girls. I never thought that anything could be so wonderful, heart breaking, trying, maddening rolled into one. My hubby and I have been together for about 5 years and it's been one hell of a ride. LOL!
NAILCHICK 3/10/07 1:18 A
Hello, If she excepts him go for it. My daughter was 3 when I met my husband and her dad was not in her life much then and in the past 14 years he has seen her 3 times she formed her very own opinion of him now that she is 19 (she calls him her sperm donor) I have never talked him down I let her do that all on her own when she became old enough to make those decisions.. Good Luck, Sue
NAILCHICK 3/10/07 1:07 A
Hello, I am a step-parent of two boys and have two girls of my own. I have been with my husband for 16 years my step-kids were 18 and 13 and their mom was a bit of (well questionable). My kids were 3 and 15. HUH it has been hell!!! But now his are 34 and 29 and mine are 19 and 32. Just recently they have gotten along. The girls love their step-dad the boys have been hard to get to admit they love me but I know they do... It's just if they know it that would mean they are unfaithful to their real mom I think... But the hell has paid off we have never had any together but we now have 8 wonderful grandchildren together and I am only 48 my husbands 57... So patience pays off in the long run ... maybe the kids being younger the good will be sooner Good Luck, Step-Momtoo
GRACIE7117 1/15/07 12:02 P
Haven't seen any posts on this one for awhile!! Hope everyone's doing well after the holidays and winter blahs are not getting you down!!
GRACIE7117 1/15/07 10:59 A
Well, if your new husband has been around long enough, chances are she already looks at him as a father figure. Even if your ex hasn't been in the picture often the fact is, unfortunately that's her father. Unless she's willing to drop him out of her life, that is something that will never change no matter how much good your husband brings into her life. The most important thing is that he respects that fact and you do too.
With kids you normally don't have to force the idea on them that this is the "new parent" because they already know that. They understand that. It will be a matter of how they adjust to it. By doing things with them and supporting them, just like a biological parent, they come to see and know the difference. If you force the issue, it can create resentment. There are boundaries kids have regarding this issue that need to be respected and not ignored.
I'm sure if your ex has never really been involved that the transition should be easier for your daughter who's probably grateful for the fact someone wants to be that person in her life. Just give her time to admit that openly.
BRFLYTURTLE2 1/13/07 9:02 P
I'm not a stepmom but am divorced and plan to remarry this summer. My ex was never really in my daughter's life (she's almost 10). My new husband wants to be a dad to her. What advice could I give him?
JENH32 1/11/07 1:46 P
Hi Everyone, I have not been in this part of the site for a long time. It seemed to have died there for a while. Anyway hello.
Gracie, I am right there with you on the uncooperative ex. I can totally relate. My husband's ex is a jerk too.
It sounds like this little girl really loves you, and she is taking your personality.
Thanks for the suggestion regarding the website.
GRACIE7117 1/11/07 11:05 A
I really am hoping that I can do it. She does look at me as more of a Mother. She confides in me things that I don't think she tells a lot of people. I do run a tight ship at the house but I think she appreciates having her own things, her own space and her own responsibilities. She appreciates any attention that she can get. You can see her personality developing and her father laughs because he says she gets it from me.
I was adopted so I was given a second chance at a good life. I am trying to give her the "second chance" when she's at our home. We have her often enough (50/50) where I think it does make a huge difference. Her self-esteem and confidence levels have tripled. Her shyness has almost disappeared completely.
I just have to remember this during the hard days (and she hasn't even hit tween/teen years yet!!) But it really can be thankless sometimes and not as appreciated as we would like. I am hoping that when she is 19 she will remember where the efforts came from.
MCCUNESGIRL 1/11/07 6:12 A
I feel for you and especially for the child. At least you get to see her and show her that sometimes things can be normal. Be her constant. The 1 thing she can totally depend on. That what I did when my sister was being an idiot when her daughter was smaller. She remembers it today and she is 19.
GRACIE7117 1/10/07 10:16 P
Alice,
Well, I have been looking for something like this on this website. I am a brand new stepmom although I have been with dad since my stepdaughter was 2. She turned 8 today.
She really isn't the problem. Of course its the ex. I used to get INFURIATED with her and then begin to look my stepdaughter resentfully because Dad and I argue about Mom's inability to be a mother. (She really is awful) but we share custody... I moved 45 minutes from my home to be in the child's school district. Bought a house we really can't afford and now live in a development when we wanted to live in the boonies.
I've made a lot of compromises and sacrifices for this child that her own mother hasn't made. Actually today is stepdaughter's Bday and she's in bed asleep. Mom has yet to call and say happy bday. This is just the tip of the iceberg of how inconsiderate she is.
I just get fed up. And being an emotional eater, since August when we began taking stepdaughter wqeek on/week off, I've gained nearly 30 pounds. Including lbs that made me too fat for my wedding dress... SO I starved myself (I fit, but it wasn't pretty for about three weeks when I wasn't eating.)
Last night I had an epiphany. Mom is never going to be anything more than what she is now. Stepdaughter is young enough to not understand just how lousy she is, but is old enough to see that something isn't right. I have decided that my marriage and sanity are not being sacrificed for this woman. Neither is my waistline.
So here I am struggling to maintain my calm exterior. I totally understand the aggrivation of not just having a stepchild, but having and uninvolved and uncooperative ex to deal with. It is what it is. I'm not always calm and sometimes I could just strangle my husband for making a conscious choice to have a child with this woman, however it's done. It is what it is-- you just need to find to learn to lean on people that understand what it's like. It does help venting to people that truly understand how difficult a blended family is.
PS Try the website for StepTogether parenting. It's a website solely for step-parents who are having difficulty learning how to deal with the different types of issues that arise in blended families.
MCCUNESGIRL 1/10/07 7:52 P
I have 3 step kids twin girls who will be 19 in Feb and a boy 15. I have 1 son 15 and together we have a 1 year old boy with Down syndrome. My step kids mom had 6 kids by the time she was 21 by 3 different men. We are not sure if boy is my husbands biological son but he claims him just the same. They are awful kids. We have tried everything to make things better but it does no good. Their mother is not a nice person and she has them brain washed. When we called 1 of the girls to tell her the baby was born she said yeah good and hung up. Sorry tender subject. She is pregnant now and we are hoping this will change things. My son has a great stepmother and a really good dad. We even keep their daughter(My boys sister) if they are going someplace and need us to. She also goes on trips with us.
MSALICE72 1/8/07 4:24 P
Hi there - I am a mom to 2 (boy 11 and girl 9). Stepmom to 3 (boy 15, lives out of state. Boy 13 and girl 6). We have the most trouble with the 13 year old. I've been in their lives for 2 1/2 years. I still think that they feel that if they ignore me (or try to sabotage my relationship with their dad) I will go away or not exist.
I used to be so giving and nice to them in the begining. Wanted to do fun things and wasn't critical of them, but now I don't even want to be around when they are home (2 nights every week).
I related to a couple stories on this board (going back to May 2006). I don't know how to not feel uncomfortable in my own home. I know the stress has driven me to eat. That is why I've come here. I'm glad to see this group.
Alice
SUNFLOWERMOM5 1/4/07 7:28 P
HI there moms! Wow I have been gone a LONG time! Sorry.. I missed being on here.. \How is everyone.. i see there are numerous new faces! Welcome!!
GYPSYSOULWOMAN 10/27/06 3:22 P
Stepmom of two. I tell everyone be prepared for a lot of ups and downs like a roller-coaster ride being a stepparent. At times it's a thankless job. Doesn't help when Bio mom is unfriendly and doesn't respect your household. Kids are now 20 and 23 but 20 year old is downs so he is still a kid at heart. He has always been a challenge but such a sweetheart and welcomed me in with open arms. 23 year old was 13 at the time and a girl, I was not openingly welcomed took a lonnnnnnnnnnnggggggg time and she still will ignore me and my feelings at times. We still don't have the kind of bond I would of liked but you can't change everything. I can say though that after 8 1/2 years I do feel I may of made some type of difference in their lifes. I was always my hubby's confidant and would think of the kids best interest, not my own. Everything takes time being a step parent... good luck. The first hug is the best!
FURPRINCESS 10/26/06 4:22 P
Ah, exes as mature adults. Well, maybe they wouldn't be exes then, would they?
LUCKI*4 10/20/06 7:27 P
Thanks for the welcome
I am going through major problems with my 16 SS now. Not fun. but we'll get through it
GYPSYSOULWOMAN 10/20/06 2:27 P
Stepmom as well. I have one DD 15 of my own, a SD that is 23 now and finally getting her act together, a SS that is 20 but handicap so a kid at heart. It has not been easy being a stepmom nor a blended family. Still ups and downs but better now that the kids are older. It does help if the exs are mature adults... LOL.... nope didn't have that as well. I congrat all stepmoms for trying because most of the time it is a very THANKLESS job. my 2 cents worth.
FURPRINCESS 10/18/06 2:16 P
Hi all stepmoms!
Had a teenager moment last night, sigh. Had to have a chat about the phone. Now, I liked to talk on the phone as a teenager, too, but when my mom called us to dinner or said it was time to finish the conversation for any reason, we did it. Right.at.that.moment. But last night, oh no, singing happy birthday to someone's *voicemail* was much more important when dinner sat getting cold. GRRR.
Thanks for letting me vent.
SUNFLOWERMOM5 10/7/06 9:33 A
Wow all.. This sure hads grown from my very first post trying to find fellow stepmoms!! I am soo sorry I havent been on here, it has been kinda crazy in my life.. and I just havent thought about coming ine here! Plus I am trying ot learn to Crochet!! I LOVE IT so far!!
Welcome to all!
GBABYPRO 9/30/06 9:17 A
I ALSO AM A STEP MOM...WHEN I REMARRIED I HAD 4 OF MY OWN AND 2 STEPS,BUT THEY BECAME MY OWN,AFTER MUCH FUN,ALOT OF FIGHTS AND PLENTY OF TEARS ON BOTH SIDES. TODAY THEY ARE ALL GROWN AND GONE BUT ...I 13 OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GRANDCHILDREN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN....YOU CAN TELL I DON'T LIKE THEM VERY MUCH...HA'HA'HA'
FIREMANSGIRL001 9/29/06 2:19 P
step mom here. 2 step kids 7 and 11. Plus I have two of my own 11 and 12. Pretty busy here. I would love to talk to anyone who would like to. Jeannie
FURPRINCESS 9/29/06 12:34 P
Just checking in to wish everyone a happy weekend!
Abramsam, that's my husky laying on her back. She actually will sleep that way or with her feet propped against the wall. I've never seen a dog do that before her.
ABRAMSAM 9/29/06 12:03 P
Yes, welcome newbies! (i'm actually new too!)
ROBINC1117 9/28/06 10:57 A
Lucki
Just wanted to say welcome! :)
ONLYGIRL 9/27/06 8:51 P
Yup! Have a 20 yo "son". We got custody of him when he was 3. He had been abused by his mom and her boyfriend. He most likely has ARBD (alcohol related birth defects). Dx with ADD, language processing disorder and mild MR. Can be very difficult- especially at the age he is now cuz he "knows everything" like a 15 or 16 yo and doesn't even realize how little he does know! In 5 more years it will all be worth it--at least that is what his teachers and I are telling each other!
LUCKI*4 9/27/06 7:11 P
Hey there Stepmom here for the past 6 years. It was extremely difficult at first, but things have settled down and are well.
ABRAMSAM 9/27/06 2:28 P
Hello Everyone!
Princess - Thanks for the welcome! Is that your dog rolling around on your profile image? (I love when they do that!) I have a chocolate lab at home that thinks he's a lap dog. Yes, the challenging part of the teen years are hard. I remember them clearly! I feel I have learned a lot from my schooling stuff, but I am also the director of a parent education program, so i "experiement" with things/techniques I learn at the variety of trainings I attend. (probably shouldn't treat my family as lab rats though! - lol)
Robin - I love learning about family and couples therapy too! I think that is the best part of my schooling (and all the clinical stuff too). I think it is amazing how the family is composed of individuals that make a whole and each unit needs to be a part of the system for the family to "work". My fitness goal? well, I started about a month ago at 161, I'm 5'8", and am down to 150. My initial goal was to be 145, so if I make it there, I'll asses where I am and decide what to do then. I would like to be a size 6, I started at a size 10 and am now an 8. I really enjoy working out, but I get lazy sometimes! I am really trying to make healthier eating choices too, and I use the Nutrition Tracker part of this site daily. I don't follow their recomendations completely, I do a little bit lower of a carb intake and more protein. I like running, TaeBo, step aerobics and weight training. My last body fat percent test-thing was a couple of months ago and I was at 24%.I would like to be about 18% I think. (never been that low, so I don't know what it would look like).
FURPRINCESS 9/27/06 1:42 P
Welcome Abramsam! My stepson is 12 (but a few more years than 10 younger than me, LOL!) and it's a trying age. My DSS veers between boy and young man on a minute-by-minute basis. He also is beginning to challenge his Dad as he begins to feel out his independence and boundaries - all part of growing up. The difficult part is my husband is part of a traditional culture and whereas he has acclimatized to the US, he has never been an American teenager. The whole "experience" is, well, foreign to my husband. So, like you, I'm often my stepson's ally in the confusion that is teenage-ness. Flattering and terrifying all at the same time.
Hope everyone else is doing well, too!
ROBINC1117 9/27/06 7:20 A
Stuff A Friend is just an affiliate program I am a part of. I don't want to really risk "advertising". Long story short - you can buy unstuffed stuffed animals (that's a mouthful) and stuff them yourself. We also carry clothing for them too. Think Build A Bear but in your own home.
I am working to get my BS in Paralegal Studies. Right now I am in Contracts and Effective Writing II. When I am finished with my degree (in about another year), I'll probably take a few months off then I have to find a different university (I attend fully online right now) that has a Master's program in family Therapy. (Great minds think alike, I see!)
You are right - school is such a journey. It is easier for me now than it would have been right after high school. LOL
My fitness goal is to lose about eight more pounds. It will help my joints feel better (I have Lupus and wake up feeling like I'm 90 instead of 28 but that's an improvement. Before I lost the 12 or so pounds I've lost, I woke up feeling 192 LOL). I am learning to drink my water and to make healthier food choices. It is a struggle for me to stay on a fitness schedule. But I'm working on it.
What about you?
ABRAMSAM 9/26/06 11:26 P
Robin - Hi there! I took a look at your spark page and was wondering what Stuff A Friend was? What are you getting your BS in? I go to classes on the weekends working towards my masters in Counseling. I will graduate in May. School itself has been a journey, so I will be glad when I can take a break for a while! That is great that you have the discipline to do classes online. I've tried a couple, but I find myself behind on things because it feels like I have SOOO much time, when really there isn't.
Yea, 10 years isn't a lot for difference between me and my SS, but I think we have a good relationship. There are a lot of times he will come to me with things over any one else.
So what are some of your eating/fitness goals?
ROBINC1117 9/26/06 8:40 P
Welcome aboard (I am new here myself). I haven't let go of "cultural" beliefs that a woman does most of the housework. I am a nurturer by nature. My husband helps out when I need it too.
Wow - you are just ten years older than your SS? I can see how that can be both good and bad. LOL My brother in laws are both younger than I am. One is 25 and the other is 18. When the 25 year old got married about five years ago, his wife was only 16. I just found it odd (but they are a good fit). He was joining the military and they just did not feel they could wait to get married.
Wow - all of that just to say hi. I tend to ramble. Scuse me.
ABRAMSAM 9/26/06 7:54 P
Hi everyone! I haven't had a chance to read up on the postings below, but I thought I would introduce myself. My situation is somewhat unique (let me know if there is one like mine on this thread!)
Well, I've been with my husband for four years, married for just over one year. I have one step son that is 13 and although we only see him on weekends, and all the time in the summer, we still go to his sporting events and stuff during the week. I am 23, and my husband is 39. often times I have a different way of understanding my step son than my husband does, but our combined efforts work out well, (I still understand his fashion sense, and remember clearly what it was like to be 13)We have had great times together and some interesting times too (such as when my husband caught my step son trying to look under the bathroom door when I was in the shower!)
I find it hard too at times to find time to get everything in. I have't let go of many cultural traditions that I feel are important to me (where the female is responsible for all house things, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc) My husband always helps when I let him, but I know that I can't keep this up forever. there is an important line between sticking with tradition and living in reality.
I just wanted to stop in. Hope you all have a good day.
ROBINC1117 9/25/06 11:50 A
You know, I was so tempted not too long ago... I've known the biomom for the same length of time as I've known my husband. I didn't like her then and I don't care for her now but I realize that I have to at least be civil with her for the sake of the kiddo. Anyway, she has this rule that my husband can't call to talk to Patrick after six (in the evening) because he goes to bed at 7. An eight year old going to bed at 7? He had her permission yesterday to call a little after six and she said okay. Guess who was "in bed"? Of course this same woman got a good reprimand from the judge for not "fostering" a relationship. We have her on tape telling Patrick to not call his dad "dad" but to call him by his first name. Anyway, about a month ago when we had Patrick, he wanted to call and talk to his mom. No problem on our end. We push record on the digital recorder and let him call. Of course, she isn't there. Nothing was wrong - but he just wanted to talk to her. The boys went to bed that night about 10 (it was a Friday night). My husband went to Wally world and I was sitting there playing on the computer and having a great conversation with my 22 pound cat (LOL). She calls at 11:15 wanting to talk to him. I told her nope, he's in bed. You should have called earlier. We let him stay up until ten to wait for your call. I wanted to be mean and lie and say, "Oh, well it's none of my business. I don't know what's wrong with him. Something about a pitchfork and a baseball bat." But of course I didn't.
She took us to court not long ago accusing us of "starving" him. That thing happened right around mother's day. The thing is, I document EVERYTHING when we have him. She figured that out in court when I presented my logs to the judge. He had told his mom that he didn't get to eat dinner (which was incorrect - he had two pieces of chicken and a slice of pizza - he didn't finish the pizza). The judge told her to knock her crap off because I didn't look like the type of person that would starve a child mine or not but I was obviously pretty smart to know this would happen and keeping a log. LOL
We haven't been back to court in a while. She threatened to take us to court because we weren't taking him to his church of membership...we were taking him to our church (which starts at 2 - she doesn't like our church because it is pentecostal and therefore wanted him to attend this other church that would have lasted practically all day). She wasn't very thrilled when we told her we have a copy of the membership list (it's good to have friends of multiple denominations LOL) and he was only listed as a prospect...that was July and the last time he was there (before July) was in February.
She doesn't like me very well. LOL
My gas bill was $300 last winter.
CHANSEN 9/25/06 11:01 A
Robin, Welcome to this thread! My stepson's biomon hates me. Which is fine with me because she is not the kind of person I would ever associate with. My Husband received a bill awhile ago from a creditor saying he owes for a gas bill at her address. My Husband wanted to know how she was able to turn the gas on in his name and asked to see the contract. They finally sent us the bill. No contract yet. But the bill is in his name and hers. Only problem is she used his last name as hers and put that they are married. But the good news is my husband had already started procedings to get full custody at the time she says they were "married". The "evil" person that I am, I am really hoping the Judge nails her for this one. They have court in a week and a half and she called last thursday {it was her weekend} and said she is in Idaho. She would'nt give a phone number to reach her or an address. So much for letting her know if there's an emergency.
Would she prefer you did'nt say anything and it just got worse? I mean little boys, and germs go hand in hand. It can get bad quick if you arent careful. I have learned that sometimes being the "evil" one is'nt a bad thing. Your stepson knows that you cared enough about him to take some crap from his BioMom.
Sandy
CHANSEN 9/25/06 10:14 A
Furprincess, Thank-you for the support!!! I called my daughter's boyfriend and told him they can both come here and stay but there are conditions. He has to atleast get his GED and he has to work. I told him no drugs, and no drinking. He does'nt want any part of it. He said he got a job as a dishwasher and that will be good enough. Oh Boy!!!! Its going to be a long road! Sandy
ROBINC1117 9/24/06 6:27 P
Hello! I am another "evil" step mom...but it isn't my eight year old step son that thinks I am.. It's his mother. Lord forbid I call her to let her know the boy has an infected cut (when he came here) and probably needs to go to the doctor. Lord forbid I make him follow rules (she complains to my husband that she can't get him to listen to her - he listens just fine at our house...).
My step son is labeled ADHD and ODD. The thing I find strange is that while he does have symptoms of ADHD, he has no symptoms of ODD when he is with us. We've only had a couple of instances where he's gotten so upset that he put his hands on his brothers but once he learned that was not acceptable, we haven't had that problem.
I guess you can say that I have more problems with his mom (obviously) than I do with him. LOL I changed his diapers when he was a baby too. He's always called me mom (because he wants to - he knows he does not have to do that).
I just wanted to stop in and say hi. It's nice to make friends here and maybe have a support system in place.
FURPRINCESS 9/20/06 6:39 P
Chansen - ohmyohmyohmy! Your ex's 2nd wife might be a good person, but how deep is that sand she is burying her head in????? They took away the birth control and then what? Did they stop her from seeing the boy? Did they prevent situations where they might have opportunities for sex? Obviously not. What in the heck did they expect? Self control? From a teenager?
I may not approve of teenagers having sex because of the life-threatening STDs and I do believe that they are not mature enough for the emotional implications, but that doesn't mean that I would purposely withhold birth control from a teenager that I *know* is sexually active. GEEZ!
And to blame you? Your daughter was living with *them*!!!! How did you cause the situation? If anything you were trying to prevent it by giving the kid birth control. Double GEEZ!
::rant over::
I'm sorry you're in this bind again. I don't understand parents that can turn their backs on their kids like that. That's so sad.
CHANSEN 9/17/06 1:33 P
My x still to this day tries to over compensate for our divorce. We have been divorced for 13 years. My x got remarried right away. His wife is a wonderful person. She never had children of her own but she took all 4 of the kids in as her own. Our latest disagreement is my 17 year old daughter called my x when I got remarried and gave him this sob story on how she wanted to get to know him better. Get close to him. I told him it was because I did'nt like her boyfriend. High school drop out. Not working. In trouble. But all he could see was he got his daughter so he took me to court. 17 year olds can live where ever they want. I told the Judge my x and his wife are good people. They have a wonderful home but I dont think they understand what they are getting in to. The Judge let her go. My x's wife did'nt think that a young girl should be on birth control. I told the Judge if she ends up pregnant I am not going to pay for everything this time. My older daughter came home pregnant after spending the summer at her dads. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks and the baby was in for 10 days. I paid for everything. So anyway she took her birth control away and my other daughter is due in January. The part that is getting me upset is now my x and his wife have decided to disown her. They wont even give her a ride to the Dr.s office. Kicked her out and she is living with her boyfriends parents. They are in colorado I am in California. I got a call friday night she is coming home to visit. She does'nt know if she is going back. There is a part of me that wants to tell her if she wants to be an adult she had better start acting like one. She needs to figure this out. But on the other hand I want to just bring her in and somehow make everything ok. I'm not mad at them because my daughter made the wrong choices. I am mad because they said the girls are just like their Mom. Hello, I am not the one who cheated. Isn't it so obvious that I waited almost 12 years to remarry and he remarried a few months later who the cheat is. I dont think I will be able to get over the fact that they threw "their" pregnant daughter out. They did'nt even bother to call me. And they dropped her insurance. What kind of a parent does that???
SOUPGIRL 9/15/06 5:02 P
Hi. Somehow I missed your posts -
It's good to see the progress in others and to know I am not the only one as I feel guilting sometimes for having the feelings I do. The bottom line is they are not my kids and I just don't feel the same way about them as their parents.
They are growing on me though - that's for sure. I did not kid myself - i knew I was in it for the long haul and DH came with the package. It's good because it was always a toss-up for me weather or not to go for the kids factor and this way is a very good compromise for me. :-)
Abby is starting to pitch in w/o me asking which is down-right shocking. I think she likes the shock factor actually lol. I always make a big deal out any initiative taken in that department. I am trying to demonstrate to them that it is "give and take" and no one likes it when it's all take. I think that's better for them in the real world anyway.
The younger one, Jack, 9 yrs old - is starting to be affected by all the "take". He is used to getting what he wants (I think that's divorced parent syndrome - they, for some reason feel guilty about the divorce and overcompensate) and now that schools in session he's already having problems with being disprespectful with his teachers and displays power struggles with authority. I find all of this very interesting. How it all comes around - now we are trying to figure out how to reach workable solutions to sort of reign him in...
I see that no matter what who where, kids will be kids - cancer or not for example. I hope your step-son is feeling alright. Certainly good food will help fight that battle!
CHRISTINA_CSR 9/15/06 1:45 P
About bonding with my stepdaughters, they took to me like fish to water. The older one is very standoffish, but I have found over the years that she is very attached to me, and my little comments really affect her. She does think that I am too judgemental, but she shares some of my ideas. The younger one, was 3 at first meeting is 14 now, took to me the minute she saw me. She was a talker, and no one listened or would say she was just learning to talk. I started listening, that day I met her, and answering her, and she was shocked. She has not shut her mouth since, except to pout at times. I let the girls decide how they wanted to relate to me, the older relates like a sister, and the younger like another mom. I didn't pressure them into liking me. My phylosophy on how they grew to love me is, since I'm not their mom, I think they kind of know that I don't have to love them so therefore they are nicer to me, maybe moreso then their mother, but that is because they wanted to like me because they want to be closer to their father.
My stepdaughter (14) visits on the weekends (the older is now 21 so she visits when she wants, mainly holidays, birthdays, and when we have plans to include her), so since it is Fri(6pm)to Sun(7pm) she doesn't do much around the house. She will help on occation, but basically she makes her bed, takes a shower every morning, and puts her nighties in the hamper, picks up after herself. I tried, in the beginning, to make it like they live at two houses, make them unpack and put thier clothes in the drawers, and things like that, but I've come to realize they are just visiting. They have their space, used to have their room, but now Kim shares the bunkbed with my daughter (7) so they bond as sisters. She eats our food, and behaves pretty well. I guess we have been very lucky with this whole experience. The visitation and support has stayed the same for 11 years.
CHANSEN 9/15/06 10:57 A
Welcome to all the new people! Between working till 3 in the morning then getting up to clean house and get the kids off to school I am just plain tired. No other excuse for not checking in.
I know all about locking myself in my room. I felt like by me going to my room he got his way. He got his Dad all to himself and I was out of the picture. So I quit unless I feel like I am losing my patience and then I take a time out. When my husband and I got married a little over a year ago I took time off work to bond with my stepson. I had high expectations and was very disappointed. My stepson was recovering from cancer. So I made everything from scratch. No preseratives, No sugar, and he was used to candy and Dr. Pepper. I think with him having such little control over what was happening to him he refused to eat anything I cooked. The one thing in his life he could control. I could get him to do chemo, blood work and all of those things but I could'nt force him to eat healthy. As soon as the nutrionalist told me his weight was back up to the normal range I would tell him if he could'nt sit at the table right without all his whining he could'nt eat he could just go sit in his room. I also refused to let him eat anything else till the next meal if he did'nt eat the small portions of veges I gave him. It took time but now he eats his veges and he has decided he likes them. Getting him away from the Dr. Pepper was harder but we did it. Still to this day when I ask him to do his chores he just ignores me. When his Dad asks him he does it wrong. So he does'nt get his allowance and if he is sassy about it we take everything out of his room. His TV, Stereo, etc. Hopefully Someday...
Last tuesday was their mediation. My husband took the day off work. He pulled his son out of school and the biomom did'nt bother to show up. She was babysitting. She gets one more chance to show up and then the Judge will order her to go. But they did say if she is babysitting she is working and gave him the paperwork for support. They made a report for the Judge and added that they provide childcare.
Sorry this is so long!!! I hope everyone has a good week! Sandy
FURPRINCESS 9/11/06 6:51 P
Hi fellow stepmoms! I've been on SparkPeople for about 6 weeks but just found this thread.
I've been a stepmother for a little over a year - my first anniversary was 9/3. I have two stepchildren, a girl 14 and a boy 11. I also have a three year old of my own. Oh, and a live-in mother-in-law, too. Yes, I'm a glutton for punishment, LOL.
We generally get along pretty well, but there are the occasional bumps. Suzanne, I can relate to you saying the kids being raised differently. I'm amazed how little is asked of my step kids in their "other" family - their bio-mom and her second husband. They have a maid and, well, as the daughter of a surgical nurse, I have pretty high standards of cleanliness. They are used to somebody else picking up after them. Me and my older sisters did lots of housework when we were growing up and it wasn't any different in anybody else's family either. I am stunned by the fact that the kids haven't learned some basic rules, like you take it out, you put it away. You make the mess, you clean it up. If it's not yours, don't touch it without permission from the owner. That kind of stuff.
The plate rinsing post made me laugh out loud. That could have been the eleven year old. He is the master of "if I do it badly maybe I won't have to do it at all". Suffice to say I've corrected him of that misguided notion a few times - no, bubba, it means you have to do it twice - or even more times until you do it *right*. Makes me popular, let me tell you.
Don't want to wear out my welcome on the first post, but it's nice to have found you!
SOUPGIRL 9/11/06 2:27 P
Hello. I am new here. I got married last October and inherited 2 great step kids, 9 (boy) & 13 (girl). I have not emotionally connected with them at depth. Which is a good thing and I think saves my sanity.
I was amazed at how much this affects me. We have them 3.5 days a week. They are raised much differently than I was. Most of my problems stem from this and I realize it is ME and not THEM. I try not to take out my inner conflicts on them.
Sometimes I just lock myself in my room or go for a run. (That is the good thing about being the step-parent - I can "leave"... however, i feel at times this is copping out. But it is better than taking it out on them I figure and by the time I get back I usually have a better perspective.
I'm amazed at how selfish they are. kids are kids I know.
I've insisted on a few things. They take their dishes to the dishwasher and eat better than they were.
The food thing was a big huge ordeal. Jack was lucky to get 2 servings a week of veggies, let alone 2 a day as recomended. As it stands, he problably gets about 1/2 to 1 a day. Abby is a vegetarian who doesn't like vegetables.
We have been working with them and educating them on eating better. Of course, the Father (DH) has most of the influence here because I have refused to become a disciplinarian just yet. I think this has been a good move.
Anyway - I'm interested in how this bridge was crossed by others. The transition from single to family. As i said, my biggest problem was being faced with my own upbringing again (I thought I was THROUGH all that...) and then finding the little girl within me - jealous, mean, vindictive... like she's wanting to get even for not getting hers... wanting to impose rules and regulations that I never even agreed with or liked!!! Where the hell does that come from? I haven't reacted outwardly to any of this... it just drives me crazy at times.
Suzanne
JESSA-1 9/6/06 6:42 A
hi everyone...sorry i have not checked in lately...i get so busy on school days and work days i forget sometimes 2 check in!! how r u all...i am doing okay except i am having a real hard time finding the ME time i need 2 get in my excerises...that is one hard thing about being a single mom u cant just up and go for a walk...dont get me wrong i LOVE my kids dearly...but i feeling a little down from not getting a good workout since the kids r in school!! i really have 2 try 2 figure out how i am going to make this work for me....well u all have a great day and i will check in tonight...
DARSOCR 9/6/06 12:01 A
Where did everyone go?
DARSOCR 9/3/06 9:10 P
Welcome to the new people. Tarkiz, wow that many kids. I feel swamped with the two steps that I've got.
Jen, nice to see you. It seems that our little group has slowed down. I wonder if anyone created a new group and just forgot to post it here. But of course this is a busy time of year too so it wouldn't surprise me if its just with the start of school and stuff.
I've gone down another couple of pounds. My SO and I have been eating right and exercising quite a bit. So I guess its helped. I can't wait to get below 180. Then I'll celebrate.
Well I just wanted to hop on and see where everyone has been hiding. see you soon. ~Dar
JENH32 8/24/06 2:20 P
Chansen: I am so sorry to hear you are in this situation. My husband's ex is a drug addict as well. She is only not homeless because someone always takes her in. When the boys come home from her house I do the same thing. I can completely understand your not wanting the dirtiness in your house. My boys always come home filthy. I have even bought separate clothes that they have to wear over there. So I completely understand. Hugs, we can only do what we can do.
Hi Tarkiz: I am pretty new here too. WOW 5 kids. I am a weak. HA HA!!
DARSOCR : Congratulations on your weight loss. I have been terrible this week.
TARKIZ 8/24/06 1:53 P
Hello everyone I'm new here. I am a stepmom to 2 boys who will be men before too long. I also have four children. My stepkids live with their mom. I have 2 by my 1st marriage and me and my husband now have 2. 5 boys 1 girl lol. ages 14,13,11,10,5 and 4 months.
CHANSEN 8/23/06 4:15 P
Welcome to all the new ladies on this thread. It is great how we are growing!!!
I Do believe that My husbands x has made it her life time goal to make my life as miserable as she can. It really does'nt matter to me. I cant understand a word she says anymore. Its all screaming babble. The part that is getting to me is I have a fear of germs. She is so disgusting that I just know she is one walking bug and its coming off on my stepson. He has to take a shower the minute he gets home and I wash all his clothes in Tide, Borax and Clorox 2. This is really upsetting My husband. So my plan is to hide his clothes in a plastic bag outside this next weekend and I'll wash them when they all leave. I'm not trying to upset anyone I just dont know what else to do. She is a homeless, drug addict. I grew up in a Foster Home. I know what body lice and bugs are like. I dont want them in my home.
When he is outside playing hard I make him come in and go straight to the shower and throw his clothes in the wash. Whats the difference? I also make my son and my Husband do the same.
Any Suggestions?
DARSOCR 8/23/06 10:35 A
Hi there everyone. I just read back to the discussions and they've been great. Sorry I haven't been around the past two weeks, but I'm sure all you moms out there can understand how hectic the first week of school is along with the first week of sports starting. Has anyone seen Raven lately? I know that she had surgery, but its been a little bit since she's been on. I hope she is alright. I just wanted to thank everyone for all their support out there. Being a stepmom and also being a lesbian with my committed partner is tough. We had though about having a baby a while back, but now that the kids are 14 and 10 I doubt it will happen. We've discussed adopting an older child, but we will see. Any new stepmoms welcome to the group. What is this group 'stepmoms unite'? I've noticed that our group has quited down a little and wasn't sure if everyone left? Oh, and also, I've lost a total of 13 lbs. 2 more lbs and I can get a pair of biking gloves!!! Well I'll check back in a little bit. Have a great day ladies. ~Dar
JENH32 8/22/06 4:51 P
Hi Stephanie:
Luckily for me my little guys are too young to get in that type of trouble. To say I am not fearful of that would be big old huge lie!! Their mom hates me too. I think it is the ex wifes job or something half the time.
I would love to do a thing like you said. I am currently trying to get pregnant with my first baby, but I am trying to lose weight too. I am great cheerleader, so if I did get preggo, I would still be around.
BTW I love your Rat Terrier! I have two of them. They are great dogs. I also have two older mutts. They are my babies for now.
SLEDDERSTEPH 8/22/06 10:32 A
Hey all,
There is a team call 'step parents unite'. Just FYI. It would be nice to have our own team for step parents. It may be easier to keep track of each other too. Just a suggestion.
SLEDDERSTEPH 8/21/06 2:05 P
Wow - this is awesome to see this group. Is this the only forum for step parents??? I wish I had something like this a long time ago. I think step parenting is just as difficult as a marriage or a committed relationship. My heart to all of you and yours
There has been more than one occasion where I wondered if we would make it through all the conflict w/one of our children (my step son) and it took a major toll on our marriage. That's when I gained my weight. Long story for another time - but I feel I have been to hell and back, as I am sure most of you have felt too.
Like someone said, it does get easier as the children get older. But, heck, that means I'm getting older too!!! It gets sad waiting for the last major conflict.
I have four step children and two of my own (whom are step children to my husband). Stacy, 23, married with a new baby (yea!), Samantha, 21, with steady job and boyfriend, Richie, 19, just getting out of jail for various crimes, including stealing from us!!, Jesse, 15, having issues staying in school, Megan, 13 living with us, Maddie, 11, living with us. Richie and Stacy had lived with us on and off the past years. Jesse is still with his mom and visits on the weekends.
We've been together for 8 years and married 5. Luckily, Rich had been separated from his first wifre for a while before I came along - but the women still hated my guts
I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Keep your heads up and do the best you can!
Steph
JENH32 8/19/06 7:01 P
Cathy: I must say that you are a brave woman! 5 kiddos!! WOW Kidding, it is great that you are opening your life up to these children the way you are, while caring for a newborn.
Chansen: Such a small world. We would love to move home. Good luck on the decision regarding having a baby. When my hubby and I got married we already planned to add one more to the brood. I have since added two dogs, still working on the baby thing.
Christina: I am loving your dog, I am not partial or antyhing. I love those little rat dogs. Have you ever been to the Rat_terrier.com website? so cute.
LESLIELEIGH57 8/19/06 2:06 P
You are amazing. I was a step mom and my adivce to you is start with just being their friend in addition to being a mom. Let them call you what they feel comfortable let them use your name if they want.
CHANSEN 8/19/06 1:27 P
Thank-you to everyone for the great advice!! This is such a BIG decision for me.
Welcome Kathy! Congratulations on your new family!!
CBIZZ_ADAMS 8/18/06 4:00 P
Hey to everyone! I am not yet a step mom... but in the spring I become one of 4 kids. Plus we now have a 2 month old son. My fiance has two ex wifes, and two kids with each. They are 9, 8, 6, and 3. Three girls and one boy. We are currently fighting for custody of the older two, because there mom dropped them with her ex boyfriend and went off to iraq. But it is a tough battle because of lack of space in our house keeps getting used against us. The younger two are with us every weekend, and they are great kids. The only issue with them is that their mother seems to think that it isn't important for them to spend time with their dad, so she seems to try and leave with the girls right before time to pick them up, but we are taking her to court for that too.. So lots of stress over that... And we now have a beautiful 2 month old son. He is my first child! And actually he has a different daddy, but my fiance has taken on full responsibility, due to real dad taking off. We are both really excited about the starting of our family. And of course I am very nervous about going from no kids, to 5... But I love all the kids so I am sure I can get through it fine! I would like to get to know some step moms so I can have friends to chat with (I am a stay at home mom) and get some pointers! Hope yall all have a good day, and God Bless. -Cathy
SUNFLOWERMOM5 8/18/06 2:45 P
Good AFter noon moms!
What a great discussion, I do not have an answer to the baby .. as I already had two and now am unable to have any more. BUt I will say what I think!( I am sure good at that huh!) have one. because if you wait all the stepkidss lives to NOT have a baby because they may be uoset. you will regret it if you want a baby. Please consider not only thier feelings.. but yours also!!YOu deserve a baby!
Okay so how is everyone today? I hope everyone is great! I had myself a nap! I do not normally do that but the kids are all in school!!
CHRISTINA_CSR 8/17/06 11:11 P
Hi CHANSEN, to give you an example:
We had my daughter (almost 7) 2yrs after we were married. The girls were in the wedding, and we have done everything together as a family unit since Dave and I got together. The girls, mainly the youngest at 5, assumed they would be in the wedding, so we had a full ceremony. I'm glad we did.
About a year after being married, my husband kept asking me when we were going to have a baby, so I decided we were ready. After the GYN confirmed that I was pregnant, we told the children. They were very excited, and the younger said her mom couldn't have anymore babys, so she would be the baby at that house and the big sister at our house. Things were very good, except a minor explaination from their father that the baby would be their sister, even though she is a half-sister, she was their sister and that was enough foolishness about halfing someone (their mother started that one, if you didn't guess). Well, everything was great with the girls, when the baby came they were happy, and they accepted her as their sister BIG Time, especially because she looks alot like them.
Well, their mother moved in with the boyfriend and within six months she was pregnant! She told the boyfriend in front of the girls on FATHER'S DAY! before we were to pick them up, so guess what the conversation was for brunch? Well, the once baby, was very excited because, Chris had a baby so now mom is having a baby (eventhough she said to her that she COULDN'T have anymore babies). This lasted until after the baby came! Then Kimberly was angry, very angry. She did not want to be the "middle" sister, she wanted to be the baby (with her mother). This took along time for her to get over, but she is still upset with her mother, and she is also mad because her mother still has not gotten married, eventhough she hates the boyfriend. She doesn't like the baby over there, and doesn't talk about her (the baby, who is 5 now).
After the baby arrived at the other house, she would be kind of mean to Jacqueline sometimes, eventhough she was only 1+ yrs old. I explained to her that if she is mean to Jacqueline, it is a reflection on me (since she is a baby) and she stopped. I explained to her that I knew she was mad because she wasn't the baby anymore, and that I don't know how that feels but she would have to accept the facts. I told her I was sorry that she wasn't the baby, and that she was just as loved, and now depended on because Jacqueline would learn from her. I hugged on her and we talked a little more, and then everything has been great since. She complains that we don't do as much stuff as we used to, but that is changing because Jacqueline is older now, and we can go more places. She plays and laughs and shares a room with Jacqueline when she is over on the weekends. I think they have a pretty good relationship. She even wrote in her diary that she was hoping they would be good friends when older, and share secrets and all. I hope they do too. They are alot alike. The older daughter (now 21) is very accepting of all this, and the baby over there. She is respectful to both households, but I think she will make a point of attending anything asked (she would be hurt if she was left out) that pertains to family and Jacqueline's activities too.
All in all, I think it was a VERY good thing that we had a baby, and I think it was expected. I feel they accept me more as a mom, although they have said I act too much like one (that is what I am). So we have a closer relationship, not so step-motherish, and I'm hoping it stays this way and grows even closer/stronger. I love my stepdaughters very much. They used to get mad at me because I would call them my daughters, special daughters, but I have learned that there is nothing wrong with saying it for what it is, stepdaughters. I always say I have 4 daughters, 2 are my stepdaughter (if the intros get deep). And I always say I am their stepmom, always. Jacqueline used to get alittle confused, but this summer she has figured it ALL out, and understands that they have a mother at the other house, but they all share the same daddy. Blended families are a challenge. Hope this isn't too long, but you asked...
CHANSEN 8/17/06 2:16 P
I grew up in Loveland then moved to Arvada. I am in Oxnard. 50 miles from LA. My husbands family is in Santa Barbara. That is why I moved here but now I want to move back. It is so expensive here!!! Maybe in January!!! My Husband is a Surfer so it is going to be hard for him to leave. First we have to get the courts to let us leave!
JENH32 8/17/06 1:21 P
Hi Everyone,
Thank you for the welcome. I am getting closer to my weight, but not quickly enough for my taste. My goal jeans are just hanging there.
I am trying to have my first baby right now. I was pregant last year and my two step-children reacted differently. The youngest just looked at me and said he did not want a baby. The oldest was really excited.
I know when my dad had my half-brother after my being an only child for the first 13 years of my life I was threatened, but excited.
Chansen, what part of CA are in and what part of CO did you come from? I was born in Colorado Springs, and now I live in San Diego.
CHANSEN 8/17/06 12:03 P
Amy, That is Great!!! WAY TO GO! I am in a rut. I met my goal as far as what size I wanted to be in but not what weight I wanted to be. My weight still has'nt changed but my size 9 pants are to big now. My husband thinks my scale is broken because my swimming suit is also to big. But then again muscle weighs more then fat and I have been working hard on trying to tone.
Is there anyone here who has kids after the stepkids? I am afraid that if we have our own my kids or my stepson will feel odd. They all say they want a new brother or sister but with my kids having kids of their own and then I have another one I think it might be a little odd.
BTSUKAS4 8/17/06 11:15 A
Hey there Amy. As I said earlier in the discussion I also feel the same way. I mean yes, when I was younger these things were supposedly not accepted/understood but you know life is whatever you make of it and I bet there are alot of miserable people out there who are just to afraid to admit to themselves and others how they truly feel. Do you know how many people are probably married because they think society will not accept them as they truly are? Yeah, my ex husband was one of them, but now he knows differently. Okay, I will get off the box now also. My weight loss went down hill my doctor put me on a new estrogen and I gained some weight but that is supposed to steady out after a few weeks and I am hopefull on losing it again. I totally went back to low carb yesterday, so we will see.
Brenda
SUNFLOWERMOM5 8/17/06 10:01 A
I say AMEN to you about the gay lesbian thing.. I just had this discussion with a very good freind of mine. People amaze me.. well.. lets care about whether or not our child turns gay but NOT the color they date. Helloooooo People are people.. and I do not want a gay relationship BUT that DOES not mean my kids wont. I will still LOVE them no matter what. Anyway Okay amy get off your soap box! LOLOLOLOLOL I dont want to sare anyone away!! Welcome to all you new stepmoms to this thread!!!!! Wow we are really growing!!!!!!! How is everyone doing in thier weight loss journey?????
I have 2 pounds to go before I Get to reward myself with an outfit or something.. !!!!!!
CHANSEN 8/16/06 11:26 A
Welcome Jen! My stepson is 9. I have 4 ages 24, 21, 17, and 12. I also have 2 Grandchildren ages 2 and 6 months and another one due in January.
I hope everyone had a Great Weekend!
JENH32 8/15/06 10:47 P
Hi everyone,
I was just wondering if I could join your thread? I am a step-mom to two wonderful little boys they are 9 and 11. We have custody of them 95% of the time and I sometimes need a place to go. Would you mind if I joined in.
I read some of the posts and wow, it is so nice to know I am not the only one who has a hard time with the ex-wifes demands.
Good luck to all of us.
BTSUKAS4 8/15/06 4:16 P
Honestly, the way people think pisses me off at times, a color does not make someone gay or straight. Geez, my ex husband is gay (and is a good friend of mine) as is my daughter (gay that is, lol), and guess what! It didn't start with them liking any certain color.
My husband and I do not have a problem with my ex he is not a bad person he just lives differently than we do. And that is okay. Our children understand that and they know that no matter what they choose to do in life we will love and accept them.
My children were raised pretty much by myself and my husband, so I know my daughter did not make the choise by who she lived with or anything like that, as alot of people seem to think. I have come to believe that it is just a preference, and I just want my children to be healthy and happy.
LOL I will get off my soap box now.
Brenda
BTSUKAS4 8/15/06 4:00 P
Sunflowermom, yes I agree with the forgetfullness; my stepson even "forgets" that after we finish dinner everyone rinses their own plate and puts it in the dishwasher. He will ask my husband (never me, lol) what do I do with my plate. Sometimes, I can keep my mouth shut but others I just can't help saying "well, it is the same as last week and the whole past 5 years(rinse it and put it in the dishwasher) then of course I get the look from my husband and he says well he didn't know. Uh, again we have done the same thing for 5 or more years now; he DOES know.
SUNFLOWERMOM5 8/12/06 3:47 P
Wow.. all of you .. I sure do look up to you! You all ahve to battle wayy more than I do1 Hang in there!!!!!!
CHANSEN 8/5/06 4:36 P
And meanwhile you are suppose to just sit back and trust that someone who is overworked and has way to many cases is there watching. It is the same here.
The good news is the wheels are spinning!!! You have made a Giant step forward!!! It may not feel like it but the first step is the hardest.
I wish I could give you some increbile advice on how to get through this. I tryed group counseling but by the time class was over I was so angry and so depressed that it was doing more harm then good. This thread has helped me more then anything else!!! I can rant, I can get it out and someone understands exactly why I feel that way or someone says Its ok to feel that way. And knowing that I am not alone! Someone else out there is fighting for the same thing I am! The safety and well being of the Child we Love as our own!
Stay on the Ministry! Let them know you are watching and holding them accountable. I talk to my My son's social worker and counselor all the time. They both gave testimony in court and it helped.
I hope everyone has a Good Weekend!!!!!
DANCEMOM 8/4/06 1:22 P
We have applied for temporary custody, but the wheels are grinding very slowly. I'm in Canada and the Ministry for children and families has a mandate to place children back with their families which means they go out of their way to put Taylor back with his mother with "conditions". One of them is that that the boys who sexually abused him are never to be in his company (no problem...Taylor's mother hated them, so she's enforcing that) and for a limited time, his stepfather isn't to be in the home. But, the ministry has made exceptions to this...they were allowed to go on a 10 day holiday and the stepfather is allowed to stop by often to pick stuff up when Taylor is there. Also the ministry doesn't want to recommend that we take custody of Taylor because we live 90 minutes away in another city and that would mean Taylor's support services at school (a counsellor he sees once every few weeks for maybe half an hour) would be gone. It doesn't matter to them that we would register him in the school that I'm a teacher in so I can keep a close eye on him or that we've already looked into counselling services for him.
Can you tell that I'm really irritated with the ministry? Grrr....
Michelle
CHANSEN 8/4/06 12:30 P
Welcome Michelle!!! I am so sorry!!! Hold in there! I think the hardest part about taking care of an abused child is you dont know the full extent to the abuse. My stepson was also 7 when we got him away from his Biomom. My husband went to pick him up for visitation and rushed him to the ER. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and the Dr.s gave him a few months to live. His Biomom thought he was just car sick. She never showed up for surgeries or meetings about treatment. The 2 times she did show she was removed by security so it was actually easy for us to get custody. Through the investigation we found out her neighbors made several complaints of abuse. The police showed up took him to foster care 3 times and we were never told anything. My advice: Find out if his stepfather still has contact with him. Ask for a temporary restraining order to keep him away from him until this is over. Document everything! Dont hesitate to call child protective services to have them do a home visit if they havent already. Yes it takes a long time to get a court date but in the meantime ask if you can get an emergency temporary order for custody. Find out if the mom has visitation with the stepbrother who was removed. If so where is your son during this visitation? If the other stepbrother gets bail is he going home to his mom? Hold in there!!!
SUNFLOWERMOM5 8/4/06 10:32 A
Michelle, welcome ! I am glad you jumped right on!
I too have a stepson who was sexually abused, by his now stepfather.. and a stepdaughter who was sexually abused by the same man. we are unsure of my youngest stepdaughter and she was too young,The biological mother does NOT believe it happened. says WE MADE the kids say that. oh yeah cause thats something I want my kids to say.. umm I am thinking NO.
DANCEMOM 8/4/06 2:27 A
I haven't read the whole thread, but I wanted to jump in and introduce myself. I have 2 girls (12 and 2) and a 7 year old stepson that we are currently fighting a court battle for custody. My poor little stepson disclosed a few months ago that he had been sexually abused by his stepbrothers at his mother's house and physically abused by his stepfather. The boys have been removed from the home and the older one (16) has even been arrested and charged. The problem my stepson is having is that his mother is accepting that the sexual abuse happened but denying that the physical abuse happened. It's causing severe anger and behaviour problems even though he is now receiving counselling because of the sexual abuse.
It's so hard, and both my dh and I agree that Taylor (my stepson) needs to be out of his mother's home asap to be with a more stable family to help him heal, but it's a slow battle. The earliest court date we could get is January. Meanwhile the poor boy has to stay with his Mom.
Anyway, sorry to ramble, but I wanted to jump in an get any words of wisdom from all of you.
Michelle
SUNFLOWERMOM5 8/3/06 8:44 A
Thank you Dar!
And as far as GAY thoughts. umm I have a 10 yrear old.. who LOVES her freinds.. they hang out, hug and all that.. that is a ridiculus thing to even think.. they are not thinking about anything at this age but makeup and gossip.
Good luck to you.. being a stepmom is one of the hardest things I have ever done. and I am sure you all agree!
DARSOCR 8/2/06 11:09 P
Thanks so much for the replies everyone. Amy, I'm glad that you are feeling better. My sister went through that and it was rough on her for a bit. Of course I've not ever had children or needed to go through a hysterectemy.
Well to answer a couple of questions, I'm Darleen and my partner's name is Cathy. Both our children are biologically hers, but of course I love them with all my heart. The oldest is a boy (14) and the youngest a girl (10). The funny thing is I 'never' wanted a girl. :) But I would never, ever trade her in for anyone else. She's mine and I'm hers.
We are currently in mediation. I decided to attend this time because the wicked stepmother has always gone. This time though they told Cathy that if I didn't go in then the stepmother wouldn't go it. Well goal accomplished. That is exactly what we wanted. The two of them have ganged up on my partner in the past so this was good because she was in there only with her ex-husband instead. Much fairer for her. We've found out from our daughter that her stepmother has demanded from the daycare director that she not be around this other girl any more. I guess both ours and this girl give each other a hug goodbye (they are best friends) and the stepmother feels and has told the 10 yr old that it is gross and disgusting and now she doesn't want our daughter to be around this girl at all. Well all that accomplishes is that our daughter doesn't get to be with her friends because there are 4 or 5 of them that all do things together. Arggh. This woman is going to drive me crazy. Of course, God forbid that our daughter get 'gay' thoughts now because she is hugging another girl. All girls this age hug their friends and walk arm in arm. This is so ridiculous. Oh well. Keep me in mind. Hopefully I'll still be sane when both of them graduate. Took the kids to an amusement park and we bought fruit to eat! I'm so proud of us. We both stayed within our points and even got a goodie before we left. With all the walking though I figure just a little treat isn't too bad and got rid of any cravings. Well I'll stop rambling. I hope everyone is well. Anyone I've not met yet....hello to you. :)
SUNFLOWERMOM5 8/2/06 9:17 P
DAR! sorry I havent been on here to welcome you! Of course you are welcome here!!!!!!!!! I am amy.. I have 5 children.. three are stepchildren.
Thank you to all who asked about me.. I am feeling somewhat better but not 100 percent yet and I tink they will end up having to do the hysterectomy anyway.. we will see!
CHANSEN 8/2/06 12:06 P
Darsocr, My husband has full custody and his x makes all kinds of demands. We have to ask her before we can take him out of town, go camping or anything else. Since my older kids and grandbabies live in Co. We are in Ca I go and visit as often as I can. The last time I was there in January my daughter had a baby and his x would not allow my stepson to go. So my Husband could'nt go. He has not been able to see his new grandchild yet. They are coming here in Oct. That is one of the things we will be bringing up in mediation. Your Husband has rights. He can ask for anything he wants. Worse case scenario the Judge says no. I would definetely do something about the stepmoms attitude. Is she just prejudice over gay people? I would hate pink too if that was all I could wear!!! I have to say this: Kool-aid colors your hair and washes right out. You could turn her hair blue. You can also buy spray that washes right out to. I'm sorry but sometimes you have to push the stupid rules! What is an excessive haircut? I seem to remember a court case where a parent got charged with something because they cut their child's hair. I wonder if that works the other way. I can see the newspaper headings now. 10 year old girl wants a red backpack and Stepmom calls her Gay! My x had it so I could'nt get my girls ears pierced until they turned 16 so every weekend he had them I made sure they had stick on earrings.
Don't apologize for venting! I would be venting too! Great Job on the weight loss!!!!!!!!!
CHRISTINA_CSR 8/2/06 1:22 A
Hi DARSOCR, No excitement here for now. Lately, my stepdaughter (14) and I have been getting along fine, so either we are getting along fine (which I think is the case), or she is doing something she doesn't want to talk about yet and will spring it on me so that I will be venting on this board, like I have before.
What is up with your partner's ex's wife? She is not going to have a good relationship with her stepdaughter if she doesn't listen to her likes and dislikes, rather than shoving pastel colors down her throat. (My daughters don't like pastels, plus I don't really think they are the "in" colors right now.) How does she treat the boy? Is he only allowed brown/black/navy? I don't know how mature your stepchildren are, but I would bet that they are aware that she's trippin'. Do they have a good relationship with this woman?
How long has the ex been married to her? Does the father spend time with the daughter? and listen to her? If he is just letting his wife take care of the kids, then I don't see how much of what she says would make any difference on the them.
Your partner could straighten out the craziness that this woman has told the kids. I've found it best from my side (stepmom), to let my husband explain and/or critique the doings of my stepdaughters' mother and her boyfriend. I've found it best to leave that area to him, unless the girls ask me my opinion. I can feel for you about the woman planting crazy ideas into their heads. Keep the kids point of view in mind, and what they have to live through (divorce and new families, shuttling back and forth, all that goes with divorce), when talking to them. My stepdaughters are so sensitive, I always look for oportunistic times, like on TV or in the news, to strike up conversation or comment on situations that are similar to what they may be going through or question. My stepdaughter (14) was 3 when the divorce happened, and we have had talks about her being (like) a product of divorce, because she doesn't remember her parents together, where the now 21 year old was 10 when the divorce happened. She has a totally different perspective, and because she was older, we are not as close. Good luck with this situation, and I hope you feel better having a place to vent.
DARSOCR 8/1/06 10:38 P
Its been a little quiet on here since I found this group. How is everyone doing? I feel like venting a little so I'm going to. We got the kids back from their dads house (his two week vacation) and asked if they went shopping for any school stuff. Our 10 yr old daughter told us that she has wanted to pick out a red backpack, but her stepmother told her that red is a boy color. The woman then asked her 'what are you?' and she replied that she was a girl. The stepmom continued to get irate with her and told her that all the light colors are for girls and that she cannot like boy colors. She has also told her in the past that all girls favorite color should be pink so of course she buys all her clothes in shades of pink. Our daughter 'hates' pink. Her favorite color is blue. Of course this is all a way to try to keep our 10 yr old from becoming gay. Because of course you know its a disease! I really dislike this woman. She has done a few other things and have said things to our youngest that makes me so angry. You should see the list of demands that they brought to our mediation session. Not a list of things to talk about, but a list of things that they feel my partner has to agree to about the kids (ex. NO excessive hair cuts or coloring of any kind, NO camping or overnight excursions without the other parents consent) Give me a break. They have full joint custody. He can't tell her what to do during her time with the kids. He doesn't have control over her time. ARGGHH!
Sorry. Well at least we've lost about 8 lbs in the past two weeks. We are using the weight watcher points system and drinking tons of water and daily exercise. Today is our day off, first in 2 weeks from walking and such. I hope everyone is doing good. Sorry for the ranting. Its really been bothering me. This stepwoman controls my partners ex. She acts more like she is their bio-mom than he acts like their father.
CHRISTINA_CSR 7/29/06 5:32 P
About visitation: A DETAILED schedule for the WHOLE year is SO IMPORTANT to stop bickering, and it really makes the child more stable knowing EXACTLY when they are going to be with each parent.
My husband has girls, so in the beginning he felt that the girls should be with their mother, being girls. She wanted us to take them every weekend, but we figured that was only because she wanted to be single on the weekends. Also having them for more than 5 weekends in a row made it difficult to get any housework and other boring tasks done. We knew that when we had them, at the start of visitation 11 years ago, we were going to make that time BIG time quality.
Anyway, that is why we have them 2 weekends and then skip a weekend. We have been able to request the skipped weekend several times, and she has agreed. We've had Kimberly every weekend this summer, except 8/11 and Memorial Day weekend! We have kept the pattern of the weekend consistent since it started in 6/95 (no restarting of pattern). This makes up most of our visitation schedule each year, pickup Friday at 6pm/dropoff at 7pm on Sunday. If it is Memorial/Labor day, add in the Monday automatically. We did not do any visits during the week (I know alot of people do), because it would be a disruption to the kids. They have always had a wierd hour or so between transitions of pickup, so that weeknight would be funky. One thing we would have done different, is to schedule a phonecall in the middle of the week to see how their week is going, and any other exchange. When something is written, the kids know that it is going to be done, no surprises and uncomfortableness (and if a parent doesn't do the schedule, it is that parents fault). Since we didn't do this, and because of his ex hooking up with my ex, it is very complicated and uncomfortable for phonecalls and non-scheduled contact. The girls can call us anytime, but they don't because of the phone being my ex's phone and all. Well in the last year or so, the 14 year old calls me on occation to talk about a boy/school/requests for weekend acctivity, and just plain chatting.
Holidays, every even year the girls come over 12/23 till 2pm Christmas Day, odd years pickup at 2pm Christmas and dropoff on12/26 @6pm. Then we would usually pickup on 12/27 @6pm till the night before the start back to school in the new year, dropoff @7pm. Thanksgiving on even years, 6 hours around dinnertime (this was a mistake, we should have made it 9am to 9pm). We have had some ugliness happen on Thanksgivings, but now that the older one drives, she drives her sister over for dinner when we get them, and they are old enough to know that they shouldn't have turkey and they come over not wanting any, and if that happens, don't say you already ate, just eat less. Actually, we got to see them on a Thanksgiving that was not scheduled, because we told Jessica we'd like her to drop by if she wanted to, and Kimberly asked her mom if she could come with Jessica, so we got them both which was good for Jacqueline, because she wanted to see the whole family for Thanksgiving. Easter Sunday is with whoever has that weekend, usually us, because they can get Easter at the other house at 7pm when we drop her off.
Anyway, we have had great success with this type of contract scheduling, and we have a calendar in the kitchen with the days and times Kimberly comes over, so that her sister knows and Kim knows. I used to give a copy of the schedule to the girls, but they really don't want to have it, they like to just look at it on the festive calendar and know that we are taking care of it. We choose our summer week for the following year sometime in September & compose the tenative schedule, and start the exchange of a schedule passing, till all is agreed on for the following year.
Its hard to say we have our lives planned out like this, but it sure makes it simple and less stressful for the children, and no fighting all year. We hardly ever have to have contact with his ex, and the girls like it that way. Plus we are consistent, so the girls know they can count on us and trust us when we say we are going to do something. Maybe that is one of the reasons why our family is tight and the relationships are strong. Just some thought on how we do a scheduling for some insight...
CHANSEN 7/29/06 3:54 P
Welcome Dar & Jen! It is so nice to have you.
Sunflower, Thank-you so much for letting us know about Raven. By the way how are you feeling?
Raven if you are watching I hope you a speedy recovery!
Christina, I was 19 and now I am 42. My son-in laws both tell me I am a hot Grandma. "kiss ups"
We set a date to go back to mediation in September. My husbands X agreed because she is going to ask for custody. We are getting our book with all of our records highlighted and ready for the mediator. I have all my phone records to prove she is not calling when she is suppose to. Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!! However my stepsons Bio mom told him we were trying to make it so she could never see him again and he was very upset. My huisband and I set him down and told him we would never stop him from seeing his Mom we are just trying to make her spend time with him not dropping him off somewhere else. That it is his right that she spend time with him and that maybe she just needs some adjustment to the visitation schedule. He really likes that idea! I really like the idea of adding birthdays to the schedule. My husbands b-day is July 4th and his xs is Jan 1st so they also mix with Holidays even though she does not have any kind of a Holiday schedule. My husband says if she takes this before the Judge he is asking for child support. About time!
I hope everyone has a Great Weekend!!!!
CHRISTINA_CSR 7/29/06 1:12 P
JENF66, It sounds like your ex's wife thinks she has control over changing a court ordered agreement between you and your ex. All I can suggest is that the court agreement is law, and any deviation from it is not valid. Your ex can't go straight into the 50/50 because it starts on the day your daughter starts 1st grade, not before. Also, the variable of having a summer schedule flexable each year is going to be an issue each year. The next time you have to go to the mediator, have that on the table, to have a fixed summer schedule, with maybe a flex of when the summer vacation week would go. That is how we have it, and unfortunately our weekends and such are basically carved in stone. But, there are no arguements, and we have a statement that states any deviations/cancellations must be done in six weeks advanced. When we give her our visitation schedule, we take into consideration birthdays and such, and put in those days with suggested times. With the schedule is a note stating the major events and additions that we would like to request. Surprisingly, she has agreed to 99% all the time, and puts her requests in to, which are minimal, like this past year she asked to trade weekends so the girls could be at her baby's birthday. Most of the time, she just wants to get rid of the girls, because they remind my ex of her ex, and the 14 yr old is a pain in the butt over there(well, actually the older one is not on the schedule anymore). They just want to know when we are taking our summer vacation so they can plan their theirs, without the kids, even the baby goes to her sister's. Only 4 more years of this!!! It gets smoother as the years move on. Good luck in getting that summer schedule, August is around the corner, and Happy Anniversary!
JENF66 7/29/06 12:35 P
Christina, my ex and I were together for a little over 17 years (married 14). My husband and I have been married for 3 years this August.
In our divorce decree we had three schedules worked out. So, it is just a matter of moving from one to another as the time comes. The first schedule is for as long as he stays on the road for work (he is a computer consultant). The second schedule would start when he gets off the road, and the third schedule would start (if he is off the road) when our youngest starts first grade. The only problem that I may have is if he gets off the road before she starts first grade because he has told me that he does not plan to follow what is in our divorce decree and go straight to the schedule for when she starts first grade. We have shared custody and when she starts first grade it will go to a 50/50 split if he is has a local job. He seems to think that I will just agree to the change. Of course I won't because if it goes to 50/50 before she is in school fulltime she would have to go to daycare. the main reason the schedules were set up the way they are was to keep her out of daycare.
The main problem with my husband and his ex is that they have to create a summer schedule on their own and she never agrees to anything he suggests, but she won't make suggestions of her own. They are supposed to have equal time during the summer and she does everything in her power to make it as hard as possible to get a summer schedule set. It is supposed to be in place by May 1 every year, but here it is almost August and they do not have one finalized. I told my husband that next year we would not be going through this. If by April 1 they don't have one it is off to the mediator (they do have an agreement to do this at that time if one isn't in place). If one isn't place by May 1 then it is off to court. Last year he ahd to take her to court about it and the judge ordered to follow the schedule that my husband had come up with. We don't like to have to keep taking her back to court, but she usually doesn't give us much choice. I would be just as happy if the judge just gave them a set schedule for the summers.
My ex is much more reasonable than his and we were hoping that would rub off on her. Unfortunately it hasn't. If anything she has rubbed off on him.
DARSOCR 7/29/06 12:45 A
Well now that I've read through all the post since this thread started, I know it won't be a problem to be on this site. A little about myself. My partner and I have been together almost 8 yrs and we have two children (both her biologically). They are now 14(boy) and 10(girl). Its so good to be able to get on a site where we can challenge each other to get healthy and happier with ourselves, but also a great place to vent if needed. My partner and I have a great relationship as long as the ex doesn't interfer, which of course happens quite often. Well I just wanted to introduce myself for now. Its nice to find a place. Thanks Dar
DARSOCR 7/28/06 11:14 P
Hi everyone. I'm not sure if I would be accepted or considered a stepmom, but my partner has two children and we've been together for almost 8 years. Does that qualify?
I'm trying to find a group that I can fit in with and get some encouragement. I had a buddy but she doesn't seem to be around any longer and the other group I was with the other women no longer log on it seems.
Just let me know. Thanks. Dar
CHRISTINA_CSR 7/28/06 7:38 P
JENF66, How long has this been going on, a couple of years or many? I have been divorced for over 10 years, and married for 9, so the our whole situation has been going on for about 11 years. I heard once that it takes half the time of the relationship to get over it, and sure enough the anxiety and all isn't really there for the past 3 (I was with my ex a total of 12 years, married 6.5). I really hate when people say, oh you switched partners, that just makes it all so shallow and meaningless.
Anyway, I have found that if a schedule has been worked out, continue on. We have had the girls for two weekends with a weekend off, and one week in the summer and one week after Christmas. The oldest (21) doesn't follow a schedule, and we call her on her cellphone if we want her to attend some school function, occation, or just to get together. She still lives at the other house. the younger is starting high school, so only 4 more years to go. If we had to do a mixed function, we would sit separate, and all. As they get older, like a wedding event or something, I would totally be cool in whatever my daughter wants, but their dad is another story. I had to lay BIG guilt for him to attend the younger's 8th grade graduation. He just didn't want to deal with it, and I kept saying it is not about you, it is for her. She may want to participate in high school activities (the older didn't), and if she asks us to go, he will have to go. She is always talking with me and having moral, religions, sex, and other meaningful conversations and tells me she can't with her mother. She also doesn't like my ex.
If your schedule does come up for change, maybe you can work a weekend each month where you have just your kids. On thing the mom will follow is the rules, but if no rule is FULLY defined, she makes her own. This is why we stick to the schedule year after year, and we even drop off the support checks, just to avoid problems. She gets mad when we mail them because we have dropped them off most of the time. She hates when we change anything, yet she goes off and does things we wouldn't approve of and we are just floored. The youngest already has 3 piercings in each ear, and has been told she can get a tattoo at 16 depending on what it is. As soon as she is 18, over there she can do ANYTHING she wants, stay out all night with a boy, have boys in her room with the door closed, whatever. The older one stopped comming over because we wanted her to tell us where she was going and when she would be back, and meet who she was with. We have still not met her "boy toy", and she tells us he is a friend and it is non of our business. The younger one will end up doing this, probably before she is 18.
We just give them a family environment, and request their presents at their sister's school functions. We take family vacations, because they are not included in the exes outings ever, and we state our opinions on interests but now don't expect them to honor any rules outside our home. Eventually they will see the love that they were given, and that we care. Hopefully they won't try to take advantage of us if they get into trouble later in life.
Wishing you the best of luck with your ongoing situation. I remember when the younger started 1st grade. That was so long ago, and she doesn't remember all the good times we gave her, and how close we were (so we show her the home movies).
JENF66 7/28/06 1:23 P
Christina, our exes got together after we were together as well. We all knew each other in passing because our two older sons were in scouts together, but we were not two couples who were friendly with each other.
It is hard with having kids on both sides in this situation because the kids are constantly being thrown together. Don't get me wrong, they all get along pretty well, but sometimes it would be nice to have things split up more than they are. We have his kids on Thursdays and every other weekend (during the summer we have them more as they are SUPPOSED to have equal time in the summer). My kids are here during the week and one wekend a month (their Dad travels for work so he gets an extra weekend instead of having them during the week). The weekend that they are here though we have all the kids. Granted I have them without the other kids during the week, but during the school year I am on them about getting their school work done so I don't really get any downtime with them alone. Summers are better, although my oldest is bound to sleep half of it away...LOL.
I am just lucky that my ex is more reasonable than my husband's ex because I could not stand to have to be fighting constantly. I am sure that my husband's ex hates me because before I was in the picture she got her way a lot more often. It is easier for me to help him stick up for his rights than it is for me to stick up fore my own. She just seems to pick and choose which parts of the court order that she wants to follow and forgets about the rest. I don't have too much to worry about with my ex until he gets a different job and no longer travels. Hopefully that won't happen until next fall after she starts first grade.
CHRISTINA_CSR 7/28/06 1:00 P
Oh my gosh!!! You are not unique in your situation. My husband's ex and my ex are together too! It is so weird and I used to be very upset by it (they are not married, so we have to pay her spousal even though she has been living in my old house for 6yrs). I am starting to accept it. My ex and I didn't have kids because he didn't want kids, one reason why I left him. Well, he has a 5yr old now, and no he has not married her, probably won't, and my stepdaughters don't believe in marriage because their mother is living with this guy as if they were. "See you can have kids and not be married."
Well, we communicate with her through notes, and have the girls on the weekends and just deal with the girls. I have not spoken to my ex in about 10 years. As soon as I left him, and my now current husband got together, his ex hooked-up with my ex. We were not a couple/friends type relationship, so this was no switching, eventhough I guess it kind of looks that way. You know time makes things not so important now, and all I think about is the child and how she needs a good foundation with her parents. I don't have the heated feeling anymore, every weekend when we go to pick the girls up for visitation at my old house. They (the exes) have their life, and I won't let it spoil our family, and the girls embrase our family and our daughter as their sister (our exes child is not related to our daughter, right? not really, just to my stepdaughters,... its so hard to explain and accept). Sometimes I wish it could be like some of the books say, where we can all be friends and just one big family, but I just can't go that far. Maybe I am selfish, but I don't want to be friends with my husbands ex, not after she made life so difficult to explain.
You know, I have found others that have had this happen, but not to the extent that the exes have stayed together longer than a couple of months. MAybe this is strange? Its nice to know that I am not the only one with this situation! Thanks JENF66 for sharing so I can see I'm not alone. You are an angel for embrasing the situation, but then you have kids on both side of the family trees. Must be really hard.
JENF66 7/28/06 11:19 A
Hi all! I made it through the first two pages of posts and will try to catch up on the rest later.
I am a SAHM of six. Two of which are my stepsons. I had three children of my own before the marriage and we have one together. Our youngest is almost 3. My daughters are 5 and 11. He has a 9 year old son and we both have 14 year old sons.
Dealing with the stepchildren and the exes have been a challenge. We are in a somewhat unique situation where the week after my husband and I got married my ex married my husband's ex. One would think that might make things easier since we all have to deal with raising the same children, but our exes don't think we should "mix kids" when dealing with each other.
We are having issues many issues with his ex. Luckily, my ex and I can usually get along ok, but she is something else. We are having issues with the education of his younger son right now. He typically gets all B's and C's and he needs extra help in math. She took it upon herself to get the school to retain him in 3rd grade...all the people on his education team except for her recommended promotion to 4th grade. It is crazy, but she isn't happy unless there is some drama in her life...be if from educational or medical issues. UGH!!
Anyway, with all these kids I need to lose weight to keep up with them!
but we'll get through it
She threatened to take us to court because we weren't taking him to his church of membership...we were taking him to our church (which starts at 2 - she doesn't like our church because it is pentecostal and therefore wanted him to attend this other church that would have lasted practically all day). She wasn't very thrilled when we told her we have a copy of the membership list (it's good to have friends of multiple denominations LOL) and he was only listed as a prospect...that was July and the last time he was there (before July) was in February.
I am another "evil" step mom...but it isn't my eight year old step son that thinks I am.. It's his mother. Lord forbid I call her to let her know the boy has an infected cut (when he came here) and probably needs to go to the doctor. Lord forbid I make him follow rules (she complains to my husband that she can't get him to listen to her - he listens just fine at our house...). 
