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| personally I wanted my mother to help me locate my dad. I remember my mother saying something like he wasn't ready to be a dad and all I could think was why did she marry him them. Be careful what you say about the person that left. It also reflects on YOU. If the guy is such a jerk then why were you with him in the first place? It makes a young mind start to question your decision making. If I were in your shoes I would get his address or phone number and let your daughter call or write a letter. Unfortunally this is going to break your heart and probably her's too but she will begin to see that the problem is him and not you. You can't stop your children from getting hurt. My mother didn't stop me from getting hurt she only delayed it. If the guys a jerk I think its better to find out sooner rather then later. Who knows you might even help save their relationship. Most men have a LOT of FOOLISH PRIDE. Maybe he needs to hear from you that you want him in her life. Just do everything you can to be supportive of their relationship. If it works out then GREAT! If not then your little girl will know were the problem is. HIM not you. Just my 2 cents. May God Bless you and your little girl!
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| My daughter's biological father was like that Aunt Bee. He and his father sat me down and told me that I wasn't ready enough to be a mother and that neither was he and that the baby should be put up for adoption. His sister told me to get an abortion! I refused and that was why he left me. I stuck to my guns and I could not imagine my life without my daughter. She is the absolute best thing that has ever walked into my life and I wouldn't change what happened for the world.
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ALIDANGELI
5/4/06 11:34 A
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That is great Aunt Bee. My daughters father wanted me to have an abortion. Harassed me for it for a long time. He even gave me a money order to pay for it... my only regret was that I did not save it and use it towards her college - I gave it back to him and told him NO way NEVER. Then he insisted I give her up for adoption - which I considered but in the end no - I kept her... best decision ever. (i am adopted and think it is great - just was not for me).
Glad she has your support and love. It is ROUGH being a young single mom - I did it, put myself college and we are doing great now. Many many years were a struggle but it was worth it. She is the apple of my eye.
Congrats on your 1st grandbaby! :-)
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AUNT_BEE_1945
5/4/06 11:22 A
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My daugther, boy friend stoped seeing her once he new she was expecting, they were talking marriage before that.
He and his parents, have been presuring her to give up the baby. She was employed by his parents, now she quite here job, moved in with a friend because she wasn't able to keep her apartment. He has sent her letters asking her to adopt out the baby. Lot of mental presure on her.
She is keeping her baby. Told him if he doesn't want to be a part of this babies life, move away and die. She has had enough, of him and his family.
She has her families support! The baby is going to have lots of family that will love it and help the mother when she needs help. Will be my first Grandbaby.
Aunt Bee
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My husband's father walked out of his life when he was very young, continually made promises to come visit and of course when that day finally came he was a no show. That continued many many years (not sure exactly how long since he doesn't talk much of his past) But since I have been with my husband at times he would go several months without talking to his dad. He has always known where or how to contact him through family and it has only been since recently that his dad contacts him and it's usually only to ask for some kind of help. I think my husband just looks at it like at least he's in my life.
I also agree don't talk bad about the dad no matter how much you want to. If there ever is a chance that he wants to come around and "wakeup" so to speak at least she will have the chance to build a relationship and get a sense of him without prejudices.
I found out about 6 years ago that I have a step brother I'm 28 now. My father had a one night stand and did not know about his son until approx. the same time our family found out. By then this gentleman was in his thirties. He came to meet us all and seemed like we would have a lasting relationship with him but he only came back around once. I think he accepted the fact that his adoptive "parents" were all he knew and that being so much older he had no interest in his biological parents. He must be happy with what he has or not open to the relationships that could have been. We will never know but I know it must be hard on anyone not knowing. Keep the door open either way so that if the child wants to know they can and if the father wants back into their lives he can.
Best of luck
Renee
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| Definately don't talk bad about the dad - they can internalize that and say.. ifhe is bad, and I am part of him, than I must be bad too. Just keep it simple, he was not ready to be a dad and I was ready to be a mom. Youa re my gift from God. And when my DD says, why didn't he want me or why doesn't he love me... I say he doesn't not love you - he does not even know you. She is almost 12 - and she accepts the answer though she alwyas wants details. I tell her I will give her the little bit of info I ahve when she is 18 and that is it. I tell her I am selfish and I don't want to share her - it woudl be too hard for her to meet him now and then have to go away holidays and b-days and stuff. She accepts that beacsue she see's her friends who have split families and how hard it is for them. Good luck.
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| I'm a single mother....and though my daughter is only 7 months old, I've been dealing with the fact that her father isn't around since I was 4 months pregnant. That was when he walked out on me. My best friend's father never really knew his dad and often speaks badly of him. The thing he told me is that he wished that he had never known his father than to know a man that didn't want him.
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AUNT_BEE_1945
5/2/06 4:50 P
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You girl some what telling my storie. I did get to know my father after I was 14 years old. he left, was 21 or so the next time I got to see him. He was around until I was 26 years old. He died that year.
The best advice is be honest, with your children, But don't speak badly of the other parent..The child can make up there own minds later on, when they are grown up enough, to do so.
Aunt Bee,
My two younger daughters are going through the same thing. Heart broken because they some what remember their dad and want to get to know him.
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| I grew up not knowing my dad. I did meet him when I was 5. My mom did her best to make up for his lack of presence. You can be there to support her and let her know that it isn't her fault that he isn't there. I like Alidangeli reply. Saying he wasn't ready to be a dad puts the responsibility on him and not on her. Best of luck to you.
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| my daughter is almost 12 - her 'dad' has never been in the picture. she asks about him but i tell him he was not ready to be a dad. it is for the best he is not in her life... if he was responsibe and decent he woudl be - he chose not to be. when she is 18 i will give her what little information i have. it is hard i know. it hurts. hugs mama.
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My daughter
is 13 and her father is no-where to be found, i know he lives in arkansas. last time my daughter saw him was when she was 7 he came back to illinois for 2 days and spend about 10 minutes with her. when she was born he left when she was 1 and hasn"t seen her since she was 7. i just don"t know what else i can do, she talks about her dad and would like to see him. she would like to ask him questions why he doesn"t write to her or call her. the thing is we haven"t moved or changed our number so it would be easy for him to get ahold of us. when he did come down to visit about 6 years ago he said he would send money, but he didn"t. please if anybody haas any advice i need it. it just hurts me to see that my daughter is hurting sometimes, but she does put on a brave face, i can tell she's hurting.
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