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LISA_IN_CA
6/12/06 10:47 A
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| Im glad you have found ways in which to communicate with her : ) and let's hope it's simply a phase which Im sure it is. have a great day!
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Hi, Lisa! Thanks for the suggestions. I guess there isn't very much one-on-one time. It's just me and my two daughters in our little family, and the three of us are usually always together.
I know some of the lying was for attention, but a good deal of it was from fear of punishment too. I've learned to be very, very calm when discussing her behavior. It actually helps her to stay calm and she's more likely to tell the truth under those circumstances. Before, I'd become visibly upset and start fussing and raising my voice. Now I've adopted a nonchalant attitude when attempting to draw information from her. The difference is amazing.
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LISA_IN_CA
6/10/06 10:35 A
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| RASHEEDA, Is your daughter getting enough attention and one-on-one time with you and the rest of the family? Sometimes a child will choose to do a bad behavior simply because the behavior generates the most attention. This is only one thought that came to me and thought I would share it. I also think that if you giver her lots of attention when she is doing right, and ignore the other stuff, you may have better luck in getting more desirable behavior. hang in there : ) it will get better
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| Most of the time my mother didn't know I was lying. I'm ashamed to say I was a skilled deceiver. The few occasions that she did discover I was lying, she really didn't say or do very much.
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RASHEEDA
Consider why you lied, it may help to write it down. Your daughter probably has the same reasons. I tell half truths and exaggerate, my wife calls it lying. I have decided to work on replacing the habit.
What did your mom do?
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| What goes around truly comes back around. I admit I lied to my mom a lot too. Different reasons but still lies nonetheless. If my daughters go through some of the other stages I went through, I don't know what I'll do!
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SOKRFAMILIA
6/6/06 4:54 P
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I also had a big liar in my family. We punished, but nothing help. She is now 25, stil lies, but is now on the receiving end also, coz dear granddaughter has caught on and she can't figure out how to stop it.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
6/5/06 3:12 P
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TPalmer80, Hopefully this is a stage she is going through also. Even though she took 20 from your cousings wallet, I don't think she realizes how much she took. It is very hard with kids with ADD/ADHD.
My son is soon to be 9 and still has no concept of how much money it actually is. One day finding 10 cents makes him rich and the next day 10 dollars is nothing!! One day he wanted to buy a Yugio card from a kid in the complex and went home got all the money he could find (25.00) and gave it to him cuz he wanted the really good card!!(He was so excited that he got this card and couldn't wait to tell me) Of course this kid was older and took advantage of it and I didn't get the money back....But as Jozef's punishment I told him you don't get to keep things you steal and by stealing the money you stole the card so I took the card and lit it on fire and let it burn......His eyes popped out of his head and his jaw hit the ground!!! Needless to say he hasn't stolen anything else since then! ( I went to the extreme but I know if I had just put it up, I'd end up giving in and letting him have the card)
I mentioned in a post way back when that my sister went through a parenting class and one of the things they told them is don't ask the kids the obvious..Such as did you do this.....did you open this.....when we know the answeres because it sets it up for them to lie. We need to re-word it to Why did you do this....Why did you open..... When we know the answere already don't give them the chance to "make" up a story.
Now with my son when things happen especially at school. I will tell him I know what happened today, your teacher/principal called be but I want to hear from you what happened and remember they already told me so I want the truth. Usually he will then tell me his version of it and it is close to what they say. This way I find out what he sees as the problem and what set him off..
Wait until she starts blaming the cats for doing whatever happened!!! I have had this also :) Usually he is joking about it when he says it though.
Like I will say Jozef why are your shoes in the middle of the floor? He goes..wasn't me SPanky did it as he is laughing and going to pick them up.
Good luck and let me know if there is anything I can help with. Some days I feel like I have seen,heard and done it all......
Suzanne
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| On his 8th birthday, my grandson told me he is almost a teenager. I told him there is a lot of responsibility to being a teenager. He ask, like what. I told him taking responsibility for his actions and contributing to the home. So he is a teenager in development.
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| TPALMER80, you made a comment on your spark page about having a daughter who is 7 going on 13. I can so relate to that! I have a 8 year old who is at least 14 in spirit! I am seriously dreading her teen years. Good luck with your daughter.
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My daughter is 7 yrs old and has ADD and lately she has been non stop lying.. and over the stupidest things.. Like i asked her if i used her soap, or who opened the frozen yogurt (there's only 2 of us and 3 cats..so its obvious), etc... and its soo frustrating.. Now she is starting to steal.. she stole $20 out of my cousins wallet the other day.. i am just at my wits end..
I am gonna try some of the suggestions on this thread... I am soo tired of yelling and dealing with crying...
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WRKOUTGRL1, you sound as though your cup runneth over big time!! Thank you for sharing a few of your experiences. One thing I always try to keep in mind: God never puts on us any more than we can bear. So no matter what our trial or tribulation is I know that with faith we can make it through.
Have a great Memorial Day weekend!
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SUZANNEJOZEF
5/26/06 8:32 P
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AMEN!!!! Thanks for your story it is inspiring.
Suzanne
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WRKOUTGRL1
5/26/06 7:54 P
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| Wow, I have read all of your posts with much interest. We have 6 children at home, and we deal with a variety of these issues that you all have mentioned. We have been married for 5 yrs, and our home is blended.. his, mine and ours. We have 2 'gifted' children, one has a learning disability that has no name ("she just basically has a low IQ" is what the psychologist said), 2 of them are 'borderline ADD', there are many issues we are dealing with. Some thoughts that help me keep my sanity are: Lead by example and lead well; spare the rod and spoil the child; kids will be kids; teens will try any lie; most kids dont learn morals or honesty very easily; dont expect a perfect house or child; dont compare one child to another; dont play favorites; learn to accept each persons gifts as well as their flaws; help them as much as you can but dont do for them; never assume 'my child wouldnt do that'; kids are VERY manipulative even at early ages. The list could continue but I dont have the time nor patience to write a book! They all try our patience from day to day in varying ways, but some things I tell them (and myself) on a daily basis: be very thankful for all that you have.. that you woke up today and you can walk, talk, breathe and think without the aid of machines or medications (or with them, whichever applies)... that you have someone who loves you no matter what you do or who you are (it doesnt mean they AGREE with who you are or what you do, but they love you nonetheless)... that they make the choice as to what makes them happy; if they are unhappy, they can try to figure out why and try to figure out how to change it for the better, but no one else can make them happy, they have to do it for themselves first... that every one has some gift to offer, and are good at something; our daughter who has a LD has the biggest heart and is always the last to complain or give up; her biological mother is in prison for over 5 yrs now and she never complains or fusses about how unfair her life is, she is a wonderful big sister to all the other kids, she is the first person to help you out without asking, so even though she is not in college prep classes she has a ton of things to offer other than book smarts. As for the lying, be firm, do not give up hope and dont change your plans for the truth. make it known every day that the truth means EVERYTHING, and be ridiculously generous with praise when you get the truth, no matter how small. kids love to joke and smile, and the more you associate that with the truth, the more they will associate happiness with truth. Our oldest son, 13 yrs old, has always lied about everything, even when he wouldnt get in trouble! (Did you brush your teeth? yes.. and the toothbrush is dry). He has been punished with things taken away, spanking w/hand and belt, pushups, military drills, you name it, nothing seemed to work. Then out of the blue, one day he came to me and told me that he had broken a statue of mine on accident. I asked him "is that all you wanted to tell me?", and he said yes... when he came to me, he looked terrified, I thought something really horrible had happened. I told him that its ok, we can either fix it or throw it out... and thats all. I also ended up crying and telling him how proud I was that he had come to me, instead of waiting until I found out, and he told the truth. I still remind him of that, 4 months later, on a regular basis to let him know that Im still proud of that and to show him how much easier the truth is. I will shut up now, just wanted to share that with you... keep hope alive, there is still time for them to change!
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SUZANNEJOZEF
5/26/06 1:42 P
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That is great, It is definately a step in the right direction. Praying that it stays working for you.
Suzanne
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actually i think it's working out pretty good..obviously he still tells us lies. but a lot of the time he will start to lie..and then say "on no i didn't mean to say that what i meant to say was ...." and then he tells the truth.
and he makes a big deal out of it like he's trying to let me know he was going to lie but conciously made the decision not to lol it's kinda funny. and i always tell him how proud i am that he made the right decision.
like i said that's not 100% of the time. but it's getting better :)
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SUZANNEJOZEF
5/22/06 3:28 P
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Hi Sassybrat...That sounds like a great idea, seperate punishments, I will have to try that one. Thanks
Suzanne
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| Hi SASSYBRAT! Separate punishments sounds like a good idea. How is it working?
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my six year old has started lying this year too. mostly to get out of trouble so what we do is make sure that he is punnished for what he did...then also punnished seperately for the lie. and we always make sure to let him know that if he had told the truth he still would have been punnished for the misbehavior but that he would not have gotten the additional punnishment for the lie.
this weekend he took a pin and popped the tires on my bike then lied about it. his punnishment for popping the tires was that he doesn't get to ride his bike until mine is fixed and he has to do chores to earn the money to pay for the repair. his punnishment for the lie is that he loses the 2 scheduled play dates that he had next week and and has to stay in his room (no toys books and workbooks only)for those days (the play date thing is a big deal to lose because he is an only child and where we live there are no kids to play with so unless he has a playdate he doesn't get to play with other kids)
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| I havn't tried it. It sounds like a lot of work. I'm pretty content with all the other info the book gave me. I'm a lot more knowledgeable about signs of dishonesty which has helped me in dealing with my daughter.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
5/21/06 9:33 A
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Very interesting....let us know if it is working
Suzanne
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BUCKHOLDT
5/15/06 12:39 P
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| I have heard of anchoring before. It is a slow process when you do it to yourself. I think it was for developing good habits (replacing bad ones). The article said it happens at funerals. People walk up to the grieving person and pat them on the back. Later when the person is pat on the back they become sad and don't know why.
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Hi, BUCKHOLDT. The lying seems to have toned down a bit. Not a whole lot but a little. Hopefully, this improvement will continue.
The book did help a lot. It helped me be more alert to her body language. In some instances, I couldn't prove she was lying, but at least I could tell that she was lying. The book went into a lot of phsycological ways to get the truth out of people, but that will take some practice on my part. One of the examples,(I'm not quoting since I don't have the book with me) talked about a man who performed tests on dogs. After a while when he made a certain motion, the dogs reacted in preparation for the test. The theory of the book being, people can be trained to tell the truth by training the subconscious. You should pick a gesture, one that won't be overused and is not obvious, and ask questions that you know will be answered honestly. Each time you ask one of these questions, anchor it with whatever motion you choose (twirl a strand of hair around your finger, rub your leg with your foot, pinch your nostril, tug your earlobe, etc.). Something that you don't do all the time or on a normal basis, but doesn't look obviously weird. If you do this often enough with easy questions that you KNOW will be answered honestly, it's supposed to train the person's subconscious so that whenever they see that particular motion or anchor, they answer honestly. Then when you need the truth about something important, you perform that anchor which inclines them towards telling the truth.
I don't think this would work for a cheating spouse, but for other situations that aren't too major it may work. Anyway it was interesting reading.
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Rasheeda,
It is good to here form you again.
I heard the other day that the better your relationship is, the harder it will be for your daughter to lie to you and the more obvious it will be.
Did the book help?
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| How was everyone's Mother's Day? My oldest daughter fixed me breakfast in bed (cereal and milk), and promised not to fight with her sister all day. They did pretty good keeping it to a minimum anyway and I enjoyed a lazy day.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
5/14/06 12:46 P
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Wishing everyone a Happy Mother's Day
Suzanne
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Rasheeda,
I like quotes. I have a lot from Helen Keller. I am going to start putting down where I get them. They have always been just for me and it didn’t make a difference.I have another I going to put on my page. I have to figure where I wrote it down.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
5/5/06 10:21 P
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Yes, I get frustrated especially this year with his 3rd grade teacher, whenever he did something wrong she would call me and tell me "I don't tolerate this, it is not acceptable" Finally after hearing this several times in one week my reply toher was "and you think I do?" That made her stop for a moment. She used to make me feel like I was a horrible parent and my son was horrible. Once she realized that I was doing what I could and I didn't let him just get away with things and that I backed them up in school she changed her tone with me.
My son being ADHD will focus on something that is happening and he can't get past that, It may not be what the teacher is even talking about but that is what he sees as the problem. I've had to explain this to her several times. What is not a big deal to us is a BIG deal to kids with ADD and we have to act accoridingly also.
Shoot I wish my son only had 16 kids in his class he has always had 30+ kids in his class usually 32-34 with one teacher.
Sometimes I just talk to him about the situation if he is really upset and can't get past it, with no discipline as far as taking stuff away or grounding. At times like these is the talking he needs most.
Suzanne
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I really liked that quote! Whoever thought that up was right on the money.
Sometimes you just never can tell when kids are pulling your leg. The book talks about making sure you're not lying to yourself because that makes it easy for other people to deceive you. But when it comes to our kids, I think that we sometimes unconsciously lie to ourselves. No one wants to believe negative stuff about their kids. Not only that but no one really wants to deal with it either. It can be such a headache.
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“it would be easier to save my country from a world of crime and lead them single-handedly to peace and enlightenment, than it would be to raise both of my children! ... A lot of days it really felt like I was in a huge battle and I was just out-numbered, out-played, out-sourced...”
I ran across this. I thought you might like it.
My sixth kid was at a disadvantage. By the time he got to high school the oldest had told me that she deliberately left parts of the story out to make it sound like the teacher was picking on her. They know I want to believe they are doing their best.
My son (the sixth) use to tell me the principal was prejudice and disciplined the blacks differently then the whites. A year after he graduated the principal got relieved for being prejudice. Maybe the other stuff was true too.
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Suzanne, it's funny that you should mention this. I was also thinking how I could tailor this info for my daughter and I was thinking of saying something along these lines.
"I received a note/phone call today from your teacher and she told me you had some trouble at school today involving another little girl (or whatever). Why don't you tell me what happened today?"
She might still lie, but how do I know the teacher has the ENTIRE correct story? I can remember when I was in school, there were times that the teacher didn't see/hear the entire scenario. Sometimes one child will have been provoking another child on the sly all morning long and during recess, and when the child being provoked finally explodes, the teacher only sees that one portion of the events. With over 16 children and sometimes 20 or 21 kids in a room, it's hard to be alert to every situation in it's entirety. Even at home with my two daughters, I don't always get the entire picture of what caused a fight.
But,I guess when it comes to kids, you pretty much have to go with what works. Just out of curiosity, do you get annoyed when the school/daycare has something negative to say about your child, whether it happens rarely or often? I do, for various reasons. Sometimes I think what they're coming to me for is stupid. Sometimes it sounds unfair. Other times I admit I'm just biased and hate to believe the worst about my kids. I don't always get annoyed. If it's serious then I want to know and get to the bottom of the situation. Other times I want to tell the adult, these are KIDS! Get over it why don't you?! Does that sound wrong?
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SUZANNEJOZEF
5/3/06 2:09 P
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My sister took a parenting class and they told her if we already know what has happened don't give the child a chance to make up a lie to get out of the situation..Example is something happended at school- - the hit someone or pushed them. We know if happened because the teacher/principal called us. Do not ask our child what happened at school they will omit the situation and most likely tell us nothing. We need to tell them your teacher/principal called and told me you hit/pushed someone, why did you do this. I usually tell my son that your teacher called me and told me what happened now I want to know your side of what happened. If it varies I let him know what the teacher told me, usually it's pretty close once he knows I know. I used to not let him know I knew and asked him what happened and it was way different.
Long story short, they said when we leave it up to them to tell us what happened we are setting them up to lie. So far doing it this other way has helped a lot.
Suzanne
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To continue:
Similiar Scenario:
This works by introducing a scenario similar to what you suspect is going on.
Examples:
Suspicion: You suspect one of your salespeople has lied to a customer in order to make the sale.
Question: "Jim, I'm wondering if you could help me with something. It's come to my attention that someone in the sales department has been misrepresenting our products to customers. How do you think we can clear this up?"
If he's innocent of the charges he's likely to offer his advice and be pleased that you sought out his opinion. If he's guilty he'll seem uncomfortable and will assure you that he would never do anything like that. Either way, this opens the door to probe further.
Suspicion: A hospital administrator suspects that a doctor was drinking while on duty.
Question: " Dr. Marcus, I'd like to get your advice on something. A colleague of mine at another hospital has a problem with one of her doctors. She feels he may be drinking while on call. Do you have any suggestions on how she can approach the doctor about this problem?"
Again, if he's guilty, he'll seem very uncomfortable. If he's not drinking on duty, then he will be pleased that you sought his advice and offer it.
Other things to keep in mind:
Give no advance warning of the subject you're about to bring up or of any feelings of mistrust you may have.
Never reveal what you know first. Ask questions to gather information to see if it's consistent with what you already know. This makes it possible for him to slip up and reveal information you know to be contradictory to the truth. If he knows what you know, then he can tailor his story to be consistent with the information that you already know.
The way you present yourself can greatly influence the attitude of the other person. Simple things such as unbuttoning your coat or uncrossing your arms can make the other person feel less defensive.
Ask a question that you know will produce a response similar to how you expect him to react. You need to know whether certain patterns of behavior are part of this person's usual repertoire. You want to establish how he responds to a question that can be answered easily and use that as a benchmark if you don't know the person well.
Although your posture should be relaxed and nonthreatening, see if you can square off so that you're facing each other. This allows you to use several of the detection clues having to do with body language (like turning body away from you).
Never, ever interrupt. You can't learn anything new while you're talking. Also ask open-ended questions. This gives you the opportunity to hear longer answers.
Other things that are interesting:
Silence. First, don't respond at all. This will usually make him continue talking. The guilty abhor silence. It makes them uncomfortable. It also gives you a chance to observe other clues such as changes of subject, uncomfortable laughter, nervousness, etc.
Really? At the end of his answer respond with "Really?" This one simple word gives you two shots at assessing the same answer. He doesn't know how you feel about his answer yet, so it doesn't tip your hand. Here, you'll look for clues such as if his voice goes up at the end of the sentence, indicating he may be unconsciously looking for confirmation.
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I'm sorry it took me so long to get back. I got caught up with my other reading material.
The book gives a lot of different methods of handling liars and getting the truth. I'll list a few now and some more later.
Don't Accuse ---Allude
Asking a person outright, "Have you been cheating on me?" will put him on the defensive. The objective here is to ask a question that does not accuse the person of anything but alludes to the person's possible behavior. If he doesn't realize you're implying anything, then he's probably not guilty. But if he gets defensive, then he knows what you're getting at. The only way he could know is if he is guilty of the accusation. When you ask the question, be matter-of-fact. Don't square off. You don't want him defensive unless he has a reason to be. Beware of all the clues to deceit, particularly the one about a guilty person continuing to add more information as he thinks of it and without your prompting. Whatever is on the person's mind will reveal itself in the conversation. If he's innocent of what you suspect him of, then he'll answer casually and leave it at that. However, if he's guilty he will want to know what you're thinking because he's not sure why you're asking the question. So he'll question you about your question. The key is to phrase a question that sounds perfectly innocent to an innocent person, but like an accusation to the guilty.
Examples:
Suspicion: You feel that your boyfriend or girlfriend was unfaithful the night before.
Question: "Anything interesting happen last night?"
Suspicion: You think a coworker told your secretary that you have a crush on her.
Question: "Heard any good gossip recently?"
Any aswers such as "Why do you ask?" or "Where did you hear that?" indicate concern on the person's part. He should not be seeking information from you if he does not think that your question is leading. He should also not be interested in why you're asking the question unless he thinks that you may know what he doesn't want you to.
Back to work for me. More later.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
4/30/06 12:40 P
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These are good, do they also tell you how to deal with or handle the situation??
Suzanne
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The book really sounds interesting. You keep this up and I might have to by the book. I have bought books on reading body language before. I don’t remember too much about what I read. I do remember the thing about looking away or down meaning they are not being truthful.
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. – Helen Keller
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More excerpts from Never Be Lied To Again:
Hands tightly clenched and a statement of pleasure are not in synch with each other.
It's widely believed that when we are wrongfully accused we become defensive. In fact, generally speaking, only a guilty person gets defensive. Someone who is innocent will usually go on the offensive.
If someone is uttering or listening to a message that makes her uncomfortable, her head may shift away from the one she is talking to. This is an attempt to distance herself from the source of the discomfort. If she is comfortable with her position and secure in her actions, she will move her head toward the other person in an attempt to get closer to the source of information.
Just as we move away from someone who threatens us physically, the person who feels at a psychological disadvantage will shift or move away from her accuser. When we feel passionate about our ideas, in an attempt to persuade the other person, we move towards him. The liar turns sideways or completely away and rarely stands squared off. the face-to-face demeanor is reserved for the person who seeks to refute a slanderous statement.
See if he uses inanimate objects--a pillow, a drinking glass, anything--to form a barrier between you and him. Just as you would shield yourself from physical harm, so, too, does he protect himself from a verbal assault.
Watch and listen carefully during a conversation when the subject is changed. Does he become happier? Does he seem more relaxed? He may even offer a smile or nervous laugh.
Notice his posture. Does it become more relaxed and less defensive? The givaway here is how fast and dramatically his mood changes, indicating his discomfort with the previous subject matter. Test him to see if he's quick to change the subject. If he has been accused of something abominable and is innocent, he will resent the accusations and will insist that the topic be explored further, either now or at some future date. Remember, the guilty wants the subject changed; the innocent always wants a further exchange of information.
Beware of the person who uses humor and sarcasm to defuse your concerns. For instance, you ask one of your salespeople if she met with the competition and she replies, "Sure did. We meet every day in a secret warehouse. You can get in only if you know the special knock. It's there where we discuss the eventual downfall of your business empire." This makes you feel foolish about inquiring further. And she knows it. When you ask a serious question, you should expect a direct response.
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I am not good with reading body language. I think moms come by it normal. At least my wife always seems to know when people a lying. Maybe I could have been good at reading body language except that I never wanted to believe that my kids or anyone else was lying. Sometimes when I would get the felling that something was wrong I was told that what I was felling wasn’t true.
It sure sounds like a lot of work to me, but if you can geet your daughter out of lying it’s worth it.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
4/28/06 7:51 P
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Oh my goodness, These are so true, I see all this in my son at different times!!! I will definately be watching a bit closer now!!.
Thanks a bunch
Suzanne
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I thought this section was interesting. The section was called The Partial Shrug.
The shrugging of one's shoulders is a gesture that usually indicates ignorance or indifference: "I don't know" or "I don't care." If a person makes this gesture he or she usually means to communicate that very message. However, if this gesture is fleeting--if you catch only a glimpse of it--it's a sign of something else. This person is trying to demonstrate that she is casual and relaxed about her answer, when in fact she really isn't. Because what she feels isn't a true emotion, she doesn't really shrug.
This situation is similar to that of someone who is embarrassed by a joke but wants to pretend that she thinks it's funny. What you see is a "lips only" smile, not a big grin encompassing her entire face.
Another interesting section was Emotional States: Consistency and Contradiction. There were several paragraphs under that heading but the part that interested me was as follows.
Watch for what is know as the initial reaction expression (IRE). This is an initial reaction expression of true feelings that may last for less than a second, just until the person you are observing has a chance to mask them. Even if you can't read the fleeting expression, the fact that it has changed is reason enough to suspect that the emotion you are currently seeing is false.
Here's another section entitled Timing Is Everything.
If the person's head begins to shake in a confirming direction before or as the words come out, this is a good indication that he is telling the truth. However, if he shakes his head after the point is made, he may be trying to demonstrate conviction, but because it's a contrived movement--one not based on emotion--the timing is off.
Also look for hand and arm movements that punctuate a point after it's been made. The gesture looks like an afterthought because that's what it is. He wants to get his words out fast but realizes that maybe he should look really mad and play the part. Additionally, hand and arm movements will not only start late but will seem mechanical and won't coincide with verbal punctuation.
If you wanted to convince someone that you were angry when you really weren't, you would want to play the part and look angry. But there's more to it than that. The timing of that angry facial expression matters. If the facial expression comes after the verbal statement ("I am so angry with you right now"...pause...and then the angry expression), it looks false. Showing the expression before the "I'm so angry" line wouldn't indicate deceptiveness. It would only suggest that you are thinking about what you are saying or are having some difficulty in deciding how to express your anger.
Also, someone who believes in his words will be inclined to move his head on important syllables to drive home a point. Whether up and down or side to side, the head movement is supposed to punctuate particular points and ideas. A mechanical nodding without regard to emphasis indicates a conscious movement. These conscious movements are intended to show emphasis, but when a person is lying such movements are not part of the natural rhythm of the message.
Any thoughts or ideas on these statements?
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SUZANNEJOZEF
4/28/06 3:01 P
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I agree, that would be great. Thanks.
Suzanne
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BUCKHOLDT
4/27/06 10:21 A
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Rasheeda,
The best way to learn something is to share. I think posting what seem to make sense for you would be a good idea.
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BUCKHOLDT, thank you for the encouraging words. I went to Barnes & Noble last weekend and bought Never Be Lied To Again by David J. Lieberman, Ph.D. I haven't read it yet, but the little bit that I skimmed sounds really helpful.
If anyone is interested, I can post little tidbits here and there as I read it.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
4/26/06 10:52 A
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Annette, Stay strong in God, he will work things out- - may not be the way we want it but his way. Feel free to come here anytime for a shoulder, we are here for you.
MSProcrastinate, That is so totally awesome!!! I am so happy for you and your daughter, It was a long road comming I know...Congratulations. If your interested we also have another forum in other groups titled ADHD Parents if you want to check us out over there.
Suzanne
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Rasheeda,
I love your pictures.
I thought of something on the way to work today. Trust your instinct. You know when your daughter is lying to you. She can change and you can help her. Trust your instinct.
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MSPROCRASTINATE
4/26/06 3:26 A
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| Thank You! It really does... This feels like a big step for her... She had been so down on herself- saying she was stupid! Poor baby! I didnt know what else to do but keep encouraging her and telling her that she was most definately NOT stupid! She is a smart girl!I guess you just have to keep doing what your doing, and it eventually "get's through!" Some days I just feel like I'm doing something wrong- so, this has also given me some encouragement to keep on keepin' on! It'll all fall into place!
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A big thumbs up and congratulations to your daughter, MSPROCRASTINATE!! I'm really happy for your daughter and you. It feels so good when our kids accomplish something positive!!
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MSPROCRASTINATE
4/25/06 6:07 P
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Thanks... I know!!! Today my daughter brought home last week's reading tests (AR books)- she had been bringing home 40's and sometimes even lower! It was so frustrating, because we knew she could do it- she just wassn't paying attention... Well, today, she came home with a beaming smile spread across her face... eleven 100's and two 80's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW! I am sooooooo proud of her, but more importantly- she is proud of herself, and I think it will help to keep her going! So, I want to give all of us Mom's a big ol' FAT gold star!!! Being a Mom is exhausting!!!
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Suzanne:
Thank you for your very kind words.We have come to the conclusion that he needs to hit rock bottom to maybe wake up and realize where he is headed. And it isn't pretty. His mom has not called us since. I guess we are no more use to her now. Oh well. We just pray that the lesson he has to learn will not be a life one. But we must still go on living. We have done the best we can with what god has given us. I live with a clean and clear conscience.
Once again, thank you to you and all that have been thru this with me. I apppreciate you more then words can say.
God bless.
Annette
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SUZANNEJOZEF
4/25/06 12:21 P
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Ugogirl, I am sorry for everything that you have had to go through..No, none of this is your fault, a 17 year old will make their own descions and they know who they can tell what to, to make themselves look better. You know the whole world "owes" them as far as they are concerned!!! Unfortunately it may take him hitting rock bottom without having anyone to run to and have them fix things for him, before he gets himself togther. And even more unfortunate, he may never get to that point and continue with the lying and end up in jail....I know this isn't what you want to hear but my point is that you have done everything you can possible do for him....It is now up to him!! Don't beat yourself up over it. Good luck.
Msprocrastinate, Glad that your son and your daughter is doing better. It always feels so good when things start clicking for them.
Suzanne
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MSPROCRASTINATE
4/24/06 2:17 A
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It's late and I cant sleep... The same goes here as with Suzanne and her son... My son knows that the medicine helps him to concentrate and focus at school... He has tried the "not my fault" thing before, too- but we are quick to tell him that it is still his responsibility to try his hardest to behave at school and control himself, that his meds just help him to do so...He cant just take his medicine and think that fixes everything- he is still responsible... I also encourage him that there will come a day when he wont have to take his pills at all. That someday he will be able to do it all by himself.I think that this is true and it also gives him the motivation to try his best and I do see him doing better the older he gets. I dont think it is putting pressure on him or I wouldn't suggest such a thing... He is a very smart boy and he takes pride in his schoolwork (most of the time) haha! :)
As for my daughter- well, her meds are for another reason altogether. She is smart, too- but very stubborn and it can take her all night to get her homework done... But, for the first time, she actually finished her homework BEFORE her brother! I was so proud! She just got put on meds her last doctors visit... I am really seeing a difference in her, already... If it is only to help her concentrate at school and not give her teacher such a problem (she is stubborn at school, too),and help her get her homework done so she actually has some free time, then I am happy...We also get major additude from her and (I hope it's not just my imagination!) but,that seems to be getting a little better, as well... I just want what's best for my kids and something that is going to make life a little bit easier for them is welcome... As for her, I think she realizes that she needs the help- she has been in danger of failing (2nd grade- can you imagine!!!) even though we all work with her, and she has tutors... She is just so hard-headed! She has been so sweet though,lately- I really think she is enjoying the other side of the coin...(so far)... Keep your fingers crossed for us!
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UGOGIRL, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandson. I hope he decides to get his life together before it's too late. I read that there are no such things as mistakes. It's all a learning experience. And that situations continue to repeat theirselves indefinetely until the lesson is learned. Everyone learns in their own time and their own way. After doing everything you can do, the only thing that's left is to pray he learns and masters his lessons without too much heartache and pain.
I try so hard to teach and guide my children. But when it comes down to it they are in charge of making the decision which paths to follow in life. And as much as I want to protect them from all possible pain, I know I can't. Two saying I try to always keep in mind are:
Into each life some rain must fall.
What doesn't kill you, will strengthen you.
They stand for all of us. Children and adults. I sincerely hope I can manage to impart to my daughter, both of my daughters for that matter, the importance of being truthful, and the pain that telling lies cause. And when I've done all I can, I hope I can step back and allow her to learn the lessons she must learn in her own way and time.
Good luck to all of us!!
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Hello there. it's me again. I just thought that I would give you an update on my grandson...the liar. If you scroll down a few posts..you can follow alone.
Well justin, my 17yr old grandson, the one who constantly lied to us and everyone, ran away from home 3 weeks ago. He thought he didn't have to go to school,follow rules, do home work..etc. He did it while we were sleep. We filed a runaway report with the police and notified the school. The police found him 1 week later joy riding in a car that was in and accident with a girl that hit a tree. They brought him home. After the police left, he told us he didn't want to stay because our rules were to hard. Take out trash, go to school, do homework, come in on time, call if not. We didn't think that was harsh.
We we asked him what he wanted to do? he said leave and if you try to keep me here I will just leave when you are sleep. So we said we can't stop you your mind is made up. But we are always here for you if you need us. So he left. Now here's where his lies really get good.
We called his mom and told here he was found and is okay. She said he called her and said he told her we threw him out, was mean to him, abused him, didn't want him there, was going to school everyday and told lies about him. Well she believed him.
The next day she put us on three way,she is in Rhode Island ,I am in Washington state, and he lied on us thru his face about so many things. But before she did that..she said she wanted to do three way because she wanted to see who was lying to her!. Who was lying to her? How dare she! I was angry because we took him in because he was on his way to junvenile detention center for assult on his mother and brother, not attending school,drugs,drinking,smoking weed,lying,etc....and she didn't believe me???
well..we signed him out of school and it showed he had not been to school in 52 days. I shoved that in his mothers face and said. Now whose's lieing?
We did her a favor. Our children are all grown and gone except our 20yr old daughter and this is what we got.
Moral of story? She let him get away with his lies and it escalated to bigger and worse things. Stop the lying cycle now! Do what ya got to do while they are still young and managable before it's to late.
My grandson Justin would rather live on the street with his lies and gang buddies then to tell the truth and do what's right. I am very heart broken over this.
Sorry so long. Please forgive me.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
4/23/06 7:32 A
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I have my son in therapy also, I tell him the meds are to help his do better, It's not the answere but it makes it help him to sit and pay attention. He doesn't really have any big issue with taking his ADHD meds because he is on so many meds for his allergies that taking one more pill for him is no big deal. He has a few times tried the It's not my fault, I didn't get my medicine today (if I forgot to give it to him). I've told it's helps him, it's not a cure all, you still have to do the work and control yourself, the medicine just helps you do that.
I never wanted to put my son on meds either, but it has been such a huge difference that I feel guilty for not doing it sooner. He had so many issues before this and it took a year and a half to get the right meds and right doses. I look at it this way, if your child had an infection or a fever you wouldn't wait to get them medicine to help them right? This is the same thing, they need help and there is something as easy as some meds to help them! Plus this may not be the problem at all. If she is doing well in school I wouldn't have her tested through the school, they will say she doesn't need it. Go independentaly, I went to a child psychatrist(I know that is spelled wrong)then I got him a child pshycologist for counseling, it is the difference between night and day for my son.
Good luck
Suzanne
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Thank you for the replies. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to listen. kids really need to come with individual instruction manuals!
Suzanne, getting her tested for ADD is something I will certainly think about. Nicki, I know all about the stubborn syndrome! My daughter has it in spades! She puts a mule to shame!
She doesn't seem to have more than the normal share of problems at school. As a matter of fact, her teacher tells me she's doing very well and is slightly ahead in her school work. She does dislike doing her homework and have conveniently forgot it from time to time but I guess for some kids that's normal.
I was talking to a girlfriend of mine about the whole ADD thing. To my surprise she said that even though she's never been tested, she believes she has ADD. She said all her life she's never been able to keep her attention on one thing for long periods of time. She jumps from one project to the next quite frequently. She can't stand to be in one place for extended periods of time. Her only absolute favorite hobby is reading and she admits to zoning out on that after a while. She said my daughter may be just the type of child that needs a lot of different stimulation and may never be able focus on one thing for an extended period of time.
She did tell me that an aquaintance of hers just found out that she has ADHD. The woman had never been diagnosed until recently, but knew that she had always been extra hyper with a short attention span. The woman is now on medicine but has the complaint that the medicine slows her thinking down which is especially difficult when she's trying to concentrate in the classes she's taking in college.
I guess everyone is different and there are different medicines that you and the doctor can experiment with until the right one is found. But I just hate to think of putting my baby on medicine. I'm afraid that will be her fall back statement as she goes through life. "I can't do this because of my ______ (whatever she may be diagnosed with)" I want her to feel that she can do whatever she sets her mind to do. At the same time if she really needs help, I want her to have that too.
Suzanne, Nicki, how do you handle letting your children know they have a disorder but still give them the confidence they need to excel in life?
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MSPROCRASTINATE
4/22/06 6:12 P
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Rasheeda...
Are you raising MY daughter??? I could have written these posts myself!!! I coulp point out the similarities, but, it's everything you've mentioned... I laughed at the falling asleep thing- but by the end of the posts, it was just uncanny... Suzanne's comment about testing her for ADD is a good one. My son has ADHD and is on medication- he's just so hyper and is always bouncing around class- breaking his pencils, just so he can get up to sharpen them, until every pencil he brought home was a nub...
My little girl, however, (she's 7) sounds just like your daughter... She's not hyper, but when it comes time to punish her- what can I take away when she just doesn't care about anything? She is the most stubborn child I have ever known- and even if I think taking something away might bother her (rarely anything tangible,(because she could REALLY care less) usually "funtime"- she pretends not to care, and off to sleep she'll go)BUT! We have discussed all of her "issues" with her doctor, and he has put her on Stratera- less than a week ago, so, we are hoping that this helps...
There are different levels of ADD and medication may not be right for every child- but, sometimes it can give them that edge to help them concentrate (schoolwork is another BIG problem for her) and focus, whether it be on JUST school work- or alot of things going on in their' lives- like following rules- or getting chores done- or sticking with an activity... It has helped our son and hopefully we will see some of the same results for our daughter...
Good luck to you, I hope to hear back that she is making progress... I'll keep everyone posted, as well...(But I'll keep my next posts a bit shorter! haha!)
Nikki
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SUZANNEJOZEF
4/21/06 10:41 P
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Rasheeda, Have you had her tested for ADD?? Some of this sounds so much like my son and others that I know who have it... especially the short attention span and not being able to really stick with one thing evenif they like it. The other thing I would say is get her counseling with a pediatric pshycologist. This has done wonders for my son.
Good luck.
Suzanne
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Well, when I went to pick her up this evening, I still had the whistle on the front seat in my car where I had placed it the day before. She climbed in, saw it, and said, "Oh now I remember where I got that whistle." The same day of the whistle incident, she came home with a little goodie baggie her teacher had given everyone. Inside were stickers and a pencil that wrote in multicolors. She claimed that the whistle originated from there.
So, SUZANNEJOZEF, I took a page out of your book. I told her that I would like to believe her but because she's lied to me so much I just can't. I told her she couldn't have the whistle back. And that when she stops lying to me about things then maybe I'll be able to believe her again.
BUCKHOLDT, I think she needs a hobby too. I've never run across a child who doesn't seem to have at least one thing she/he is passionate about. I can go out and buy my oldest daughter either a book or art supplies, and she'll think I'm the best mommy in the world! I've spent considerable time trying to figure out what my youngest really likes only to come up blank. She does a touch of reading, plays only occasionally with dolls, coloring can only hold her attention for a short period of time, so forth and so on. I know she likes music, loves to sing and at 6 yrs old has a suprising ability to carry a tune. Maybe I can look into voice lessons or a singing group for children? In the meantime, she has a couple chores (empty little trash cans into big trashcan & keep her stuff straight). I give her money as a reward if she does it everyday. She's in the local Girl Scouts which meets twice a month. That gives her something to look forward to.
I hate to bring this up because I don't like the saying blood tells, BUT could some of this be genetic? Her dad is a shipwreck morality wise. Also, insanity for lack of a better word, runs in his family. His mom is always in and out of mental institutions, and much to my dismay after being married to him, I discovered that's where he really needs to be also. I've seen a lot of his characteristics in her since she was a baby.
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Rasheeda,
It sounds like she wants attention, good or bad. I think she needs a hobby bad. Give her things to do then praise her for doing it. Be very particular in your praise.
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She's taken things in the past. One time she took something from family Dollar. When I asked her where she got it from she told me this complicated lie about one of the teachers at the daycare giving it to her but telling her not to tell anyone. She actually told me that the teacher told her if my daughter told anyone, the teacher would deny it. Well naturally, I flew off the handle and went up to the daycare in a rage! When I got my daughter and the teacher together and demanded an explanation while the three of us were together, my daughter admitted that she took it from the family Dollar.
Well off we marched to family Dollar where I made her apologize to the manager. She was embarrassed and in tears. I sat her down and talked to her about it. There has been other incidents where again she was made to return whatever item had been taken to the injured party and more heart-to-heart talks.
I feel like talking to her over this will probably be a waste of my breath. She just doesn't seem to care.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
4/19/06 1:07 P
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Rasheeda, I totally agree with everything Mintdee said!! She will not be branded as a thief, but will know that she can't get away with taking things that is not hers and if she does there is unpleasant concequences if she does.
Good luck we have all been through this. My son took something(can't remember what it was) from a store and showed me in the car and said oopsi I forgot I had this, we had the discussion of stealing is wrong, he knew he had it and tried to get away with it, thinking since we are in the car going home it was ok to tell me he had it. WRONG, I turned around went back to the store made him tell them he stole it and he had to give it back.
Funny thing was he had money but I had it in my purse and if he would have asked he could have bought it. He thought since we were going back he could pay for it and then keep it. Nope made him return it and he didn't get anything. So far this has been his only incident of stealing. (that I know of anyway)
Good luck
Suzanne
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As far as the whistle delimma goes I would sit her down and talk to her, try and get her to tell you where she got it. If she won't tell you then inform her that you will have to talk to her teacher about the whistle. That usually gets my daughter talking. Sommer is 9 and we had big problems with her lying constantly to me, her father, and my husband. She routinly tried putting us all against each other. Never really could figure out why she did it, but we all talked about this problem and when we heard something that sounded not right from her we would call her father or he would call us to find out the truth. I also keep in constant contact with her teachers so she knows that if something sounds wrong then I will ask her teachers. She doesn't get the big reaction out of me anymore so she really has slowed that down. Sommer also had a problem taking things that were not hers. She did this a couple times and each time I told her I was going to talk to the school or store about it and then we would go back and she would have to face up to what she did. I don't think that she believed that we would make her talk to the school about it. Its hard to make them do that because I understand the feeling that you don't want to brand your kid a theif but look at it this way. She is just a kid. Any adult will understand that things like that will happen. It is how kids learn. You can tell them stuff until you are blue in the face but unless they try it out themselves they may not always believe you. I do not believe that her school will brand her a thief for the whistle they will understand that she is just a little kid. Making her be with you if you do talk to them is a great way to teach her a life lesson as well. Taking things is not right and making her apologize for it will stick in her head.
Whew that got long. Just know that you are not alone in this. There are a lot of be there done that moms that will have lots of advise for you. Hang in there and as long as you stick to your guns and continue to show her that you mean business this too will pass.
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I think she knows where she got it.
You did the right thing taking it from her. It might be a good time to talk about taking things from strangers. I don’t know if she is old enough to understand if something someone is giving her is not theirs. Another child might have given it to her.
If she doesn’t admit that someone gave it to her, you could tell her you are going to see if it came from the school or the after school program.
You could tell her you would like for her to have it, but you want to know how she got it first.
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Hello,
Just wanted to reply to your wistle dilemma :) I think you handled it perfectly. As a concerned parent you showed your concern and authority without pointing a finger or labeling her as a theif. Since your daughter did not want you to see the wistle which you did she obviously knew it was wrong and perhaps from now on will think twice.
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I just wanted to thank everyone for the suggestions and advice. Also wanted to ask everyone's opinion about an incident that happened yesterday.
When I went to pick my daughter up from the after school program yesterday, she had a whistle around her neck underneath her shirt. I caught her trying to cover up the string with her hand. I asked her where did she get the whistle from and she didn't answer me. So I repeated the question and finally she mumbled that she didn't remember. So I told her since she can't remember where she got it from she would not be able to keep it and I made her hand it over to me. I didn't say anything else about it to her. I considered asking the after school program teachers if anyone was missing a whistle, but I hate to brand my child a thief. Especially since she's declined to tell me under what circumstances she came to be in posession of the whistle. I don't want to put her in a position where everytime something goes missing, the finger is immediately pointed to her.
Do you think I handled that properly?
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SUZANNEJOZEF
4/14/06 7:54 P
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You did the right thing by telling her and explaining things to her. Yes we are the "mean" moms but in the long run we are doing what is right for our children and the will eventually see that. It may not be until they have children of their own and are going through the same things but they will eventually see it.
I am also a single parent working 2 jobs 1 full time and one part time. my son goes to school program before and after school. I have Thursday afternoon and Saturdays with him. I also cannot see getting him a sitter so I can have fun.. He is eight now, a few more years and before I know it he will be out on his own. Then I will do fun things for me. My son during the week goes to bed by 8:00 the time after that is my time even though it is getting ready for the next day. You don't need to take them places for it to be a good time with them. Today before comming into work, I sat with him and helped him build his motorcycle kit. play cards with them a board game or sometimes he just wants to lay on the couch and watch a movie. We call this our movie night. We spread out a blanket on the floor get a bunch of pillows pop popcorn shut off all the lights and lay there watching movies. Sometime we snuggle in bed and do this. He enjoys this more than going out anywhere.
Rasheeda, I understand how frustrating not knowing if she is telling the truth or not. What I did with my son was....I finally told him he has lied so much I cannot believe anything he tells me. So no matter what he told me, I would respond "I don't believe you, you have lied to me to many times and I just don't believe you." Even if it was something as simple as yes mom I brushed my teeth. Nope don't believe you I have to see for myself. After a while of this he didn't like it of course, I told him he has to earn the trust back and it takes a long time of telling the truth everytime even if I don't believe him that is part of earning it back. He is doing much better now. It also sound like she is lying to get your attention because of your work schedule and the down time that you need for youself. It is understandable maybe try and spend at least half the time you have at home with the kids and the other half for youself? I don't know if this will work or not as I don't know what you have going on this may not be feasable.
Any way good luck. Hope everyone has a Wonderully Blessed Easter.
Suzanne
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| It sounds as though you are honest with your child and do not sugar coat topics that are important. I think that's a good thing.
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absolutely not. You told her the truth and that's what she needed to hear. he wasn't going to tell her. You keep on doing what you are doing and she will turn out to be a fine young lady.
best of wishes to you both.
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CARMELDELIGHT
4/12/06 3:35 P
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| I was given a suggestion of taking away the things that she cares about most, and thus far it is working. I can relate to you about how hard it is to be a single mom with a full time job. I do get the weekends(well mostly every other weekend)off from parenting, because her dad gets her, but that sometimes poses a problem. Dad gets her, dresses her up cute, doesn't really enforce any rules, takes her to the movies and whereever else, and he is viewed as the great one. I am stuck enforcing rules, reprogramming her after her weekend away, and looking like the bad parent when I am doing what is necessary to make sure that I raise a responsible, productive member of our future. I have a big dilema that I am not sure how to deal with now. My daughters cousin on her dad's side is pregnant at 16yrs old. My daughter idolizes this little girl and I am stuck with explaining to my child that just because things happen doesn't make them right. I was a teen parent and maybe if someone hasd explained to me that it wasn't cute, I wouldn't have followed in my big Cousin's foot steps. Her dad thinks that I am out of line for telling my child that but oh well. How would he react if Diamond came home pregnant at 16 because thats all she knew? Do you guys think I was wrong for the way I handled it???
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The first thing that comes to my mind is to help her write a fiction story. It may help her understand the difference and give her an outlet to express her ideas. Coming up with such believable stories is a true gift. One that you can appreciate because of your love for fiction.
So, instead of lying in bed reading fiction you can lie in bed a create it.
It’s English funny, you can lie in bed and lie.
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My daughter lies for a variety of reasons. The most prevalent is usually for the entertainment factor or to avoid getting in trouble.
As far as the getting in trouble goes, I have informed her that her punishment will be much lighter if she tells the truth but she still chooses to lie anyway.
The entertainment angle is usually done for attention. She will tell her older sister a totally believable story. My 8 yr old will react according to the story, then come tell me. Then I will react with surprise, horror, outrage, excitement or whatever the story calls for. By the time it's all said and done, we've usually spent an hour or more focused solely on her.
Some of the stuff she comes up with is so realistic it's amazing to later find out it's not true. I keep thinking there is just no way a five/six year old could come up with this. It's gotta be true. But inevitably, it's not. Sometimes, I don't find out she lied until quite some time later. There's probably still some stuff I have yet to find out about.
Now since I have offered to reduce any punishment due her in exchange for honesty with no success, I'm not sure what to do about that. What else can I offer? When I tell her I'll reduce her punishment she says she doesn't want to be punished at all. I explain to her that every action sparks a reaction and every behavior good or bad has a consequence be it good or bad. So I go on to explain, I can't just allow her behaviors to have no consequences, but I can minimize the consequence. She doesn't want to hear it. If the consequences can't disappear totally than I have to be prepared for a lie.
As far as the entertainment angle goes, if I know she's lying then I could remove my part of the attention she gets for it. But I usually don't know until sometime after the fact. By which time she's been granted the attention she was looking for.
Now it's true I don't get to spend a lot of time with my children. I work outside the home full time and if they are not in school then they are in a child care program. By the time I pick them up and we head for home, it's dinner time and bedtime is soon after. The only time we really have together is weekends. It would probably help if I interacted more with them during this time. Every so often, I will take them to Chuckie Cheese, the park or whatever carnival or circus is in town. But to be honest, I just want to be left alone to enjoy some much needed down time of my own. So, I lay across my bed in my room and read and pretty much leave them to their own devices. As a single mom there's never anyone to give me a break and allow me to recharge. I realize if I don't take care of myself, I can't give my children the attention and care they need. But if I don't have anyone to provide leisure childcare, my chances of getting a break are little to none. My mom lives in another state and works a full time job, and the few girlfriends that I have are constantly on the go.
However, I don't want my kids to find other things to get into for their attention fix. So it looks like I'll have to put my supermom outfit on and step it up.
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CARMELDELIGHT
4/12/06 12:02 P
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Thanks so much for the suggestions. I have started using them already and it working good so far. Taking away the things that she likes is getting her attention alot more than spankin or time out. She was very upset when she couldn't carry her little purse and accessories this morning.I am feeling a little better about the whole inforcing rules thing.
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FINDINGMINIME
4/12/06 11:02 A
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It is important to try and determine what is it she is getting for lying. Is it attention (good or bad) and/or the reaction. Does she think it's funny to lie and the reaction she receives for doing it. If lying is so motivating to her and even more so than taking things away then taking toys away may not have much of an affect. You also mentioned how she hits back. I understand trying every thing and (almost) anything to see if something will work; however kids often learn from our behavior. If we hit then it will be likely that our children will hit.
I agree with Suzanne about focusing on the positive. Maybe you could implement a reward system of either telling the truth or for not lying. Each day she could be given a star or something and if she has 4 or 5 stars or if you want to go for the whole 7 days then at the end of the week she receives a reward for her positive behavior. Maybe the rewards could be going to a movie, purchasing something, playing dress-up, or what ever it is that is most motivating to her.
This may motivate her to tell the truth, give her lots of attention, and provide her a positive reaction for her appropriate behavior.
Best wishes
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SUZANNEJOZEF
4/12/06 9:16 A
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Rasheeda, You have it tough girl!!, Don't make her sit down she gets to bored and that's why she falls asleep, let her play with using her imagination but no toys or anything. It's amazing when they have "nothing" what they will come up with. I did however never take away his bike as this was exercise for him unless he road it in the road. The other thing I just remembered I did was make him write sentences. I wrote out the sentence first and he had to copy it anywhere from 5 -20 times. SOmething like - - I will not lie anymore, lying is wrong and it hurts others. Or whatever you come up with. Also when she does thing right and does tell the truth about anything really praise her, show her that good behavior gets more attention that bad. I also had to ignore a lot of what he did unless it hurt someone...to some kids especialy kids who are ADD or ADHD(like mine) all they know is that they are getting attention. They don't decipher good or bad attention. So I ignored the bad and praised the good, it didn't take long for him to realize he wasn't getting a reaction for the bad and most of it stopped right away.
I also made sure the teachers knew I was working with him and whenever he would tell me something happened at school, I told him I was going to ask the teacher to make sure it was what really happened. With is ADHD he gets stuck on one point and won't let it go and that's all he can see about the situation. I am in constant cantact with his teachers and principal by either phone or email, it used to be daily now about once a month we email each other just to touch base.
Good luck
Suzanne
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Hi Rasheeda!
My daughter just turned 6 and she doesn't lie very much. When she does, I let her know how much I don't like it. She doesn't like to be "in trouble" with me. I punish her by taking away things she enjoys. It works for her.
I totally agree with what Suzanne said too. Just put your foot down and keep it there for as long as you have to.
All the Best,
Laurie
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There has to be at least a perceived reward for your daughter’s ling. Remove it and she will be forced to find another reward. Because you are more experienced then her and you have the Spark People working with you, you should be able to help her.
I believed everything my daughter (from my first marrage) said, to the point of leaving home. I’m back home and my daughter and wife are good friends (they have a lot of common interest). Needless to say she didn’t always tell the truth. But there was enough truth to make it believable.
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KNITTYWITTYWOO
4/12/06 5:17 A
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We have the added problem of living in England where smacking either has or is about to become illegal!!
I must admit I do still use it when everything else has failed as it works for my 2 youngest (3 and 12 yrs) They don't get smacked hard, just a little tap but it makes them stop at that moment.
My 12 yr old knows lying is wrong and that she will be punished but she still does it.
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I have tried the spanking route, and it doesn't work for her. As a matter of fact, if I try to spank her she hit and kicks at me, and screams at me telling me to stop it.
I've tried putting her on restriction. I've tried sitting down and calmly talking to her about how bad it is to lie. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. I've even told her that as long as she tells me the truth about things, even if it was something she was not supposed to do, she would not get in trouble since she told the truth. She lies regardless.
Suzanne, I also have been made to look a fool with the daycare and the school after having a fit over what turned out to be a lie. Even though I've never kept her on punishment for a month,usually when I try putting her on restriction, she's not allowed to have anything she might take joy in. After she does her homework and her chores, she just has to sit down until dinner. After dinner, she has to get ready for bed. Instead of sitting and agonizing over what she can't have or do during any periods of inactivity, she just falls asleep! I try to keep her awake, but it just becomes a hastle, especially when I'm trying to do whatever I need to do. Maybe if she's on restriction for as long as a month it will make more of a difference to her. But what about the sleeping? Did you have that problem with your son? If so what did you do?
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CARMELDELIGHT-
If it helps, my mom was very strict when we were growing up. We could not get away with ANYTHING! lol
She was still the cool mom that every one of my friends wanted to have as their own.
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SUZANNEJOZEF
4/11/06 3:55 P
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First off, you can't be their friend or the cool one. You are the parent and they have to know that. My son also went through this, to the point I went to school and got in the teachers, principals, lunch ladies face, because he told me they wouldn't let him have lunch because he forgot his at home!! Come to find out they let him have lunch, the choice was chicken patty sandwhich or pizza he wanted the chicken patty but they were out so HE CHOSE not to eat!!. Talk about feeling about an inch high.
If you don't want to spank (doesn't work for some kids, some kids it's the only thing that does) take away everything the is not a necessity. All toys, tv, games, playstation, gameboy bikes dolls, tea party sets. Let her have books only (educational)take away all pretty hair ribbons, bows, dresses (if she is into that)give her a change a clothes for each day until you do laundry..take away her favorite clothes give her the ones she doesn't like..Even take away snacks, treats, meals only.
Let her know these things are a PRIVILEGE !!!! and to get them back she has to stop lying make her work for them to get them back. At least 1 month and then she gets 1 item back at a time.
I had to do this with my son over something else and it worked. Next time I told him everything was going to be taken away again he straightened up real quick.
Good luck
Suzanne
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CARMELDELIGHT
4/11/06 3:17 P
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Ugogirl51:
Thank you. I needed to hear what you had to say and it has helped me with certain situations that I am dealing with now. I guess I never looked at things from that point of view, but you were totally right. A friend told me yesterday that I need to start putting my foot down now or her behaviors will get worse as she gets older. I am a young parent and I think I tend to let my daughter get away with a little more because I want her to think I am "cool" and it never fails to end up "biting me on the butt" if you know what I mean.
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Frustrated mom:
I feel very,very sorry for you. It is tough dealing with a child who constantly lies. And at such a young age. That is what my daughter-in law had to deal with with my grandson.
She let him get away with it at and early age. They learn how to push buttons and work the system as they get older.
Picture him now. 17yrs old. Living with us because his mother cannot control him. In trouble with the law.
What are we dealing with with him? Lies,lies,and more lies. But serious ones. Ones that can put him in jail or hurt other people and their lives. And also his for a life time.
It starts when they are young. It is not cute. It is not something they will grow out of. It is something that must be stopped. Apporiate action must be taken unless they destory their life and others around them.
Is it to late for your child? No. Is it to late for my grand son? No. Just much harder.
take control everytime they lie. Correct them and reward them for telling the truth. You will not regret it. But..please start while they are still young. Please.
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KNITTYWITTYWOO
4/11/06 2:48 P
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My 12 year old daughter still regularly tells lies. Nothing major but she will lie to try to get herself out or other people in trouble. You do get to the point where you don't beleive a word they say.
Sorry I don't actually have advice, just wanted you to know you are not alone.
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CARMELDELIGHT
4/11/06 1:15 P
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| My daughter will be 6 in July and she went through a stage of severe lies. She lied to my family and said my ex choked her and I was standing there when it supposidly happened. I really had to put my foot down with her. I don't like to spank my child but it got to a point where her lies where about to get an innocent person in trouble. I even tried reverse psych. by lying on her and that made it worse. However, when I finally found out the proper legal ways to punish my child without getting myself in trouble(and yes I did enquirer about because now days children services scares us as parents) I put her over my knee and smacked her backside e few times. I think it hurt me more than it hurt her, but she saw that I was serious and she stopped her lying.
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My six year lies like crazy. No matter what I do or say she continues to lie. I know that a certain amount of lying is normal but she's taken it to all new heights! And this isn't new. She's been doing it for years now. I'm just fed up all the way to my head now. I'm tempted to just throw the towel in and ignore her lies and all other negative behavior and just let her do whatever she wants. I have enough to stress me out without dealing with a lying, misbehaving child!!
What to do?
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