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LEXILOU05
11/10/06 2:57 P
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| I can definetly relate to the evil step mom scenario. I am a 22 year old mother who gave birth to one but has three. My husbands ex is the epitimy of disaster and takes everyone down with her. She has been founded of neglect for non guardianship of the 4 1/2 year old and we still couldn't gain custody of the children. 11/30/2005 we got a call from a social worker saying that we had to come pick the kids up immidiately because the 4 1/2 year old had been bit for the second time by a german shepard that her Gramma owned. Apparently the children were left alone while eating cake at the dining room table, she dropped her cake, went to retrieve it and the dog bit her arm because he wanted it. We were told to file custody papers immidiately by this case worker. Well 1 day after, December 1st she came to look at our home just to "get the case off her desk." We applied for custody but the social worker went on vacation before she did the proper paperwork. Unbeknownst to us. So a week goes by of leaving messages for her and then we contact6ed her supervisor who informed us that she was on vacation. During this week that had gone by, the kids BM had called and threatened us and all kinds of things happened. Her family came and kicked our door in and tried to fight my husband. The downstairs neighbor, whom I've known for many years let his dog loose on them long enough for us to get out down the back stairs to call the police. So needless to say because of this social worker, on January 3,2006 the day my husbands mother commited suicide, the BM showed up with the police and took the children away at 9:30pm. They had been in bed since 8pm. Because she didn't fill out the paperwork she was suppose to, she was able to do this because there was no paperwork in process besides our own in the court system. And without hte proper papers done by CPs that have been signed by a judge, they can't over ride a court order that had been in place since the previous October. So these children have been emotionally, physically, and we believe sexually abused and no one will do anything about it. We have taken the BM to court on numerous occasions. This last time she was ordered to arrange for counseling , parenting training, and anger management within 1 month of recessing from court or she would have to let the kids live with us until she could prove she was ready. 1 week later our family court judge died and she has not done anything. We don't have our new court order,so technically she can do whatever she wants with no consequences. We were almost to the point of ptting an Amber alert out on the children because she told her family to tell us that they went to Florida and it had been two months since we last saw the kids on January 3rd. But the morl of the story is you just have to keep in mind what is best for the kids and they are only young for so long. When they're older hopefully they can see the deranged and spiteful ways of their mother and want to spend less and less time with her. Until then we have to be strong for them and be prepared for the way they will behave when they have come back from seeing her. I love my husbands kids and they love me no matter what their mom says. But I still worry about them. i grew up in a broken home but I didn't go through it until I was at least 12. That ruined my life because my father couldn't get over my mother and manipulated me to the point of hating her. I eventually became a drug user and an alcohol abuser at the age of 13 until I was 19. And I didn't speak with my parents for 6 years. I still don't speak to my father but my mother and I are closer than ever. So I can only imagine what the kids are going to go through. My sister is 19 and has been in an abusive relationship for 3 years. She left him a few months ago when he tried to snap her neck but the went right back to him. She is addicted to the abusive behavior. that is the scariest thing I can think of for these children.All I can do is stimulate them as positively as possible and love them as if they were mine. Tonight we're making playdough!!!!
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I just found this thread...boy can I identify with some of you. My DD is 22, college senior. My SS are 17 and 14 and my DH's ex moved when we did to be close to the boys. She is disfunctional and is making the boys that way too. I feel like the wicked SM way too often. DH and I have started counseling to try and deal with all of the issues. We met when the boys were 5 and 2, so I have been the stable female in their lives. But it has gotten harder as they got older and their BM has gotten more controling.
I am glad to find it's not just me. Thanks for the support and validation.
meli
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I am a SM of a B6, G5, G4. They also have a HB20mths, HS4mths from their BM. We have custody of the 3 oldest, their aunt has custody of their HB and their BM has custody of their HS. So, it is really hard for them to understand what is going on. They each get an evening with BM and then they all go on Saturdays. This way she can give them individual attention during the week. It has been very had since she still has the illusion of getting back with my DH and keeps telling the kids she will move back into my home one of these days. She has tried the "We've been having an affair" to convince me to leave my DH. I just laughed at her.
Good luck.
Good luck.
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NINODEDIOS
3/30/06 2:10 A
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| Hello all. I'm a stepmom raised by a stepdad. I was a brat growing up who got into a lot of trouble. I now see how much pain I caused my stepfather, who never had children, by being so mean. I really respect the way he stepped in and raised the five of us when my father wasn't around. Praise God, that my step-children get along with my son quite well. It really makes it easier to be a family. I am close to both of my step-children, we talk about everything. I think I have a better understanding of their feelings because I went through the similar emotions growing up as well. To all the stepmoms out there. Keep your head up and perservere.
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SCRAPPER6
3/22/06 11:40 A
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good luck with your step daughters health issues. I hope everything works out fine. And good luck to you with your goals. Looks like you and I have similar weight loss goals. Feel free to write whenever for support and encouragement. I'll do the same. Take care
Lori
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Isn't it sad how people try to buy the love of children with material things, rather than just spending time with them?
Things have been so-so here. My stepdaughter has been having problems for a couple weeks. Getting sent home from school, saying she didn't feel good, but no major symptoms. Last week they took her in for bloodwork to make sure its not mono or if she's anemic or something. We're still waiting to hear back, but it really has all of us worried.
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SCRAPPER6
3/21/06 10:06 P
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| How are you all doing? I hope all is well with your families. Ours is OK. My ex decided that it was too lonely to cut off his own son. So, to make it right again, he bought him a computer. Go figure?
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My ex is being so mean to our oldest son. I left my ex because he was so emotionally abusive. No one could see the bruises and scars I had in my heart. Now,nine years later he's doing the same thing to my 19 year old. He's "cut" him off (his words, not mine) because he's mad that my son didn't find a way to visit him when he was here last weekend. My son called and TXT messaged him numerous times with no response. My son lives in the city and takes a bus/rail into work daily. He doesn't have a car anymore and is no longer insured. He got a ride up here with my niece who was also visiting. His dad came into town and "waited" for my son to find a way down to the restaurant he was waiting at. He never offered to pick him up and no definate plans/times were made so I didn't know I was expected to drive him there. When his dad got tired of waiting, he sent him a TXT that he "got bored and went home. That he wasn't real happy right now. Since you didn't want to see me, we are through." Now today, he told him not to worry, that he's moving to Florida in a couple weeks and they will never have to see each other again.
How abusive can a person be? I understand hurt feelings and disappointment and I would have felt the same thing if it had been me. However, you don't make someone hurt as much as you do because you're mad.
My son is obviously hurt but he's seen his dad do this so many times that he feels like, why keep trying? This is what he wants. I tried to explain to him that you should never treat people that way. You don't play games with peoples hearts. When you say mean things (because you're mad), they may later bite you in the ---- and then you can't take them back. But, my son is so sensitive that it made him cry. I don't want to say bad things about the boys' dad but, ahhhh! it's one thing to suffer abuse but it's quite painful to watch your children suffer the same abuse by their parent.
Any suggestions out there?
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| GRRR! I am so mad at my DH's ex. She did not inform us about very important stuff that is going on with my SD!!! WE have joint custody! How dare she does that? We have to fight to get a little bit of info. This is crazy! I do not understand why she would want to exclude my Dh and me from sd's life?
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Scrapper6 you are right I have a stepmom who I lived with full time and I guess I was probably an ungratefull kid also but i do know now that all the things she did for me she didn't have to do and now being a stepmom myself I have a whole new respect and understanding of the way she raised me I couldn't have asked for a better mom.
Kathy
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Scrapper,
You made a great point about our kids realizing what we've done for them as they get older and mature. Thanks for the reminder!!
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I just found this thread. When my husband and I married, I had two boys and he had three girls. We then had a little girl together. Now, seven years later, our children are 19, 16, 14, 11, 10 and 6. The boys dad is fixing to move out of state and hasn't really been a part of their life for several years. The girls birth mom has never really been a part of their lives. Both the 11 and 10 year old are affected by pre-natal drug and alcohol use but the 10 year old is by far the worse. The 11 year old just has learning difficulties and a little bit of the appearance. The 10 year old has SEVERE behavioral issues. She spent 5 weeks in a hospital when she was 8. That was the hardest thing. She will spend hours screaming for the most minor thing. It has been hard. Now, after five years of absolutely no contact from bio-mom, she has started contacting the 14 year old - and guess what, she's the best thing since sliced bread! You know, sometimes it's really tough and I get frustrated. But, I know there will come a day when these kids are adults and they will know for certain who was there for them and who wasn't. They don't need me to remind them of that. It will be obvious. So, to all us step-moms, keep up your goals. Make yourself the best person you can be and someday, our children will look at us with pride and say "I never made it easy on you but you never left me. I love you". Ahhh, That's what it's all about ladies!
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I have 3 stepdaughters, aged 13, 12, and 10. I've been their stepmom for almost 8 years, I adore them, love them like my own. They were 3 of the reasons I married my hubby.
But it's hard, very hard. Especially when their mom is uncooperative and wants to make it hard for us to have a close relationship with them.
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| Thank you for replying My husband is very good at backing me up on my desicions that I am very thankful for but we never have anytime alone maybe that is whats causing all the stress i'm going to start trying to find a babysitter thanks kathy
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| Hi Kathy, Welcome to Spark! You are so right that being a stepmom can be the hardest job. It can be difficult to encourage children to have a good relationship with both you and the biomom if the biomom lets them down on her promises. At the same time, you need to let them know that they can depend on you. Does your husband back you up on child-raising issues? It's always helpful to be united with him or the kids will try to come between you and play you off each other. Make sure you also get a chance to have alone time for yourself and alone time with your husband, as well as times when the whole family does something together. I know sometimes I feel like I never get to be alone with my husband and that adds a lot of stress. Good luck with things and remember, we have lots of support here on the message board!
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Hi everyone,
well I'm new to sparkpeople and I was just checking everything our when I found this message board. I'm 24 and I have two step children Boy 10 and Girl 9 I don't have any children of my own but plan on having them some day. I came into the picture when the kids where 4 and 5. They both live with us full time I have to say this is the hardest job I have ever had. I am constantly doing for them and it is never good enough there mom who never calls them or even comes to visit when she says shes going to can do no wrong it drives me crazy i have gotten to the point of not even wanting to be around the kids anymore, when they come in a room I feel uncomfortable and frustrated i know they are only kids who love their mom but i can't help feeling like this any suggestions?
Kathy
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| Congrats on getting married! It's too bad you can't form a good relationship with the biomom, but you are lucky that your stepdaughter is young and you'll be an important part of her formative years. It can be difficult to come on the scene once the children are older!
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EPIPHANY83
2/22/06 11:52 A
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Hello! This website is so great..I have found yet another little group to join!
I am a newlywed...just married October 8th, 2005. Less than a month before that, we were awarded custody of my step-daughter who will be 4 on St. Patty's Day.
So in a matter of a month I moved out of my parent's house, became a wife, and a step-mom! EEK!
Unfortunately, the bio-mom is not a great person...she has many issues (the reason my hubby got custody). Although I would have loved to have a good relationship with the mother of my step-daughter, that won't happen. Oh well.. we are making things work! And hopefully in about a year we will start trying to add another member to our little family!
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Wow! It sounds like a lot of you are in the same boat as I am with the stepkids. They can be all sweet and loving one minute, but then dad walks in the door and suddenly I'm the evil one. I am so mean that I make them do homework and eat dinner before getting into the junk food. I know I'm an awful person (very sarcastic). I just wish I didn't feel like I was being manipulated.
Then again if I take them shopping or something all of a sudden I'm the coolest person around and they love me because supposedly I have a better idea of the stuff they like than bio-mom. I guess because I'm quite a bit younger than the hubby that I can relate to them better at times.
I guess its all just part of the stepmom role. Thanks everyone for the support.
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I realize that I was/am truly blessed with the bio-mom. She is a nice person. My hubby is awesome too!
I hope the reason for a lot of the hard feelings here is not becasue the new stepmom was cheating with the then hubby of the bio-mom. One of my dearest friends found herself in that situation and wondered why her stepkids hated her so much. I am quite blunt and told her the un-abridged truth and she woke up and confessed to her stepkids that she did the wrong thing and told them she was sorry. They have since forgiven her and are living happily with her as the step grandma to their children. I don't think anyone understands that my experiences were wonderful but they required a TON of harwork and loving kindness coupled with patience to acheive what I am now so proud of. It was not a walk in the park everyday. It was hard work and dedication to all of our children. I have one more story to tell and I'll make it short... all of my SS parents were so willing to make things wonderful for him that I sucked it up and kept his bio-mom's other child for an entire weekend so my SS could be with both of his brothers. Little did I know just how much the brother needed RITALIN!! It was an awesome experience though and one I will never forget!!
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Tcroley - You are so lucky to have had the overwhelmingly positive experience you've had with the biomom. It's great to hear such a positive experience and about a stepmom dealing with a biomom who really believes that the child comes first rather than just paying lipservice to it or all together being selfish.
Unfortunately, it just isn't that way for everyone. People can be vindicative creatures. They can be unkind. They can cause problems between kids and the stepmom by talking negatively about the stepmom, without the stepmom having done anything to deserve that. It's terrible. It's shocking. But it happens.
I wish my stepson's biomom was more like yours.
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The only thing I did here was share my experiences and thoughts. If that offends anyone then maybe you should read my posts again. I'm shocked to hear that the bio-mom attacked you verbally or otherwise.
Maybe she should only have supervised visits.
As for being compared, dis-respected, and excluded, you should ask yourself if those things are real or perceived and who is doing them. Then try to find a way to tactfully and lovingly handle each situation if it should arise again in the future. I will post back later I have school to teach.
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XSTITCHINGTAZ
2/13/06 3:47 P
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MELWUP: sounds like you are in a similar situation as me. My Stepkids hate me because I try to enforce house rules which they think they should not have to do. Like not throw their clothes on the floor and make their beds. It is very frustrating because my husband tends to make excuses for his kids, rather than enforce the rules, which makes me the evil stepmom. I am trying to learn to let it slid, and however his kids end up as adults is his responsibility. It is tough, but it is better than being stressed out and upset all the time. I am just counting the days till they turn 18, and graduate from high school.
Kathy
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XSTITCHINGTAZ
2/13/06 3:42 P
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SEMERADE,
It has helped a lot. I am slowly trying to change, but after 6 years it is difficult to change my behavior. We had kids this weekend. And I really had to bite my tough. I only lost it once. It is so hard not to comment when my husband lets the middle kid do whatever he pleases without any repercusions for his actions. I am trying thou, and I think it will just take time to change. Just like losing weight.
Kathy
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Scaron,
It is hard sometimes for kids to follow the rules. I can just imagine how hard it must be for our stepchildren living with 2 different sets of rules in two families. Hang in there, as they get older they get better at following the rules. As a matter of fact, sometimes they remind you of the rules... LOL Good luck!
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Mel,
I am very sorry that I was not here to help you out since I was not feeling very well. It is very hard to stop children playing off the parents never mind the stepchildren playing off all the parents involved in their lives. They are just acting like any other child would do. I understand that it could be avoided if both sets of parents (at mom's house and at dad's house) are on the same track, with the same rules, etc. However, it is sometimes not the case My stepchildren were very nice to me when my husband was not around, calling me "the coolest stepmom", and telling me how lucky they were that I was their stepmom. When their dad was around, they tended to be completely different people. They would talk about their past, how things were with mom, and etc. Although I knew that it was part of loyalty wars between the parents, it was hard to deal with. My husband laid down some rules stating that no matter what we are a family, and we would act like one.To this day, my teenage stepkids still try to play us off. (Most of the time leaving me in the middle or in a very hard situation for when it comes to getting permissions from dad.)But didn't we all?
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Don't worry too much about adolescence, you've got a ways to go before you have to face those issues.
It is really challenging when the kids have to go back and forth between households with different rules. For a while, my husband had been working out of town during the week, so the kids were here mostly on the weekends and we never had any alone time because of course he wanted to spend time with them. At least now he's home and we're back to an every other week with the kids so we can get into a more normal routine as far as homework and bedtimes and helping around the house. I'm very up-front with my stepdaughter. I've told her she's a member of the household and so she needs to take some responsibilities just like everyone else.
One thing that made me feel great last week was when she was at her mother's and called me for help with her homework. I had helped her with her fractions the previous week and apparently I explained it better than her mother. It is a good feeling to know that she knows she can depend on me to help if she needs it.
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Oh wow, adolescence. I try not to think about that - too scary.
It's good to hear that I am not the only one going through this, and also handling it by making it clear that biomom's rules don't apply here. It's just so hard being a pt parent and having clearly different house rules. By the time he gets used to them here, it's time to go home. C'est la vie, I suppose.
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I'm the same as far as putting a priority on education and good manners. I've been in the picture for 5 years so the youngest is pretty much used to the way things go, but she still tests the limits, especially when dear old dad doesn't enforce household policies like do homework before watching tv, get to bed at a decent hour, that sort of stuff.
Pretty much the only thing you can do when the biomom has different rules is to make it clear that what may be okay over there is not necessarily okay in your house. It's a lot easier when the two of you agree on how to handle various situations so the kids can't try the divide and conquer method. I'm not really sure what other advice I could come up with, we're still having some issues with the joy of beginning adolescence and all that entails.
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Hey there, I have a 6 year old stepson and my husband and I also have a son together who's 6.5 months.
DH and I started dating when my DSS was 18 months, so I've been in his life for a long time. We were married a year and a half ago.
One thing about being the stepmom is that it's hard having to deal with what the biomom does in terms of expectations, house rules, etc. I place a high priority on education, manners, and gratefulness. On the other hand, my DSS's biomom is more focused on herself and kind of lets her children run wild. The only time they get help is when she gets notfied they are failing. He gets away with wild lying, etc.
What do you do about that? It drives both dh and I nuts.
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| It's nice to know other people have the same issues with their stepkids. I thnk you're right that a lot of it is from guilt issues. It's funny though how the kids manipulate the situation. If my husband is around, they will ignore me if I ask them to do something like he's going to intervene. If I'm alone with them, they're great and we get along fine. Any ideas on what to do when they try to play us off each other?
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| I forgat to add something. After my conversation with my DH, I found out that he was letting them get away with everything, "OK"ing everything they asked for because of guilt. He said he felt guilty because he was not living with them 24 hrs a day anymore. Most divorced parents must feel it, and I can understand it.I have also read about it in "Encouraging Words For New Stepmothers " and "The Second Wives' Club". There are a lot of books I could reccomend if you would like to read. Sometimes it helps even to know you are not alone. Have a great weekend!
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| You are not alone, Mel. My stepchildren are teenagers too, and they always need reminding. I believe it is because of their age. I remember when I was their age I was very neat and organized but everybody and their upbringing is different. In my case, their mom never tried to emphasize organization, and my Dh did not care too much. When I say that, he did not care much about the chores the kids should have been doing to teach them responsibilities, etc(otherwise he loves his kids to death). I always felt like I was the wicked stepmom. But as time went by they got used to everything. Sometimes we need to repeat but it gets better. I certainly did not care about picking after them but I wanted them to know. When I was having the same problem, I had a nice calm talk with my DH and told him I was feeling. He understood the whole thing, and agreed. In the end, everything is for the kids
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| Does anyone else out there feel like you're being put in the "evil stepmother" position by trying to enforce household rules. Sometimes I feel like my husband would let the kids get away with murder. All I want to do is have them contribute when they are here, you know, help me fold their own laundry, pick up their own stuff without me having to ask a million times. I love them dearly, but I would probably feel the same way if they were my own children. I think 11 and 17 is old enough to help around the house if needed.
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TCROLEY,
The idea of this little corner for stepmoms is to share experiences and thoughts to better the blended families. Although the roles of the mother and the father are very much shared nowadays, mothers and stepmothers are much more involved in the children's lives. Noone is against the stepchildren. It is sometimes very hard to deal with the emotions of being "out" of the past of our stepchildren you care so much. For most women, it is emotionally draining to be compared to the biomoms, to be not respected, to be not included, to be attacked by the bio-moms, and always to be the mature one who has to be strong for the sake of their new family. I am sure everybody is blessed to be a stepmother.( I know I am) It is just hard sometimes to being a "mother" but not be loved or respected as one. The idea here is to discuss our emotions, to let it out of our systems here, to come up with solutions; just so we can be of better support to our stepchildren and our husbands. I find myself lucky to be a stepmother and to be involved in their lives. For all I know right now, they will be the only children whose lives I will be touching since I can not have a baby.
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Kathy,
I am sorry I did not get back to you sooner. I have been all around the boards. I am glad you found the website supportive:) Us smoms gotta stick together for our blended families;)
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| I am sorry to hear Jennabird. I will be praying for you. Hope things work out for the better for you.
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| MEL I agree with you 100%. I am blessed to have the bio mother of "our" son be as wonderful as she has been for the last 14 years. Even when he lived with us she was always fair to him and us and we all agreed that HE was to come first in all of our lives. That was a little hard for me at first but after reflecting on my own childhood I understood it completely. Adults are selfish creatures and could stand to learn a lot from our children!
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| I'm new to this website, but I think its great to have support for stepmoms. I have 4 stepkids. My stepsons are 24 and 19 so they're pretty much on their own, but the girls are 17 and 11. Its tough sometimes since they alternate between wanting me to just be their buddy, but then hating me because I need to be a parent too. For all of you who have good relationships with the bio parents, you are so lucky! My husband's first ex wife doesn't get along with us at all, but the second is very cooperative with stuff that's in the child's best interest. I think if parents could put there kids ahead of personal feelings for the ex, it would be a million times better for everyone involved.
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well, my boyfriend and i just broke up...i won't be seeing my beautiful baby stepdaughter anymore. he doesn't want me coming around to see her.  
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WOW! I am so thankful that my step son and all of his "parents" get along so well. I THINK what everyone here is missing is that these kids didn't ask to be born. Well... they were born, and really wanted (like any NORMAL child does) to be raised by their bio parents. When the bio parents split up, the parents get over it & get on with it & the kids are left to suffer the repercussions. Then one or both bio parents meet someone new and the kids rebel against that person/s. GEE, I wonder why? kids do NOT have the same coping skills as adults! As adults, we have choices and plenty of them. As a child you have no voice and no choice. Imagine everything you have ever known and loved and felt comfort in being ripped away from you in a single moment. What if you "lost" one or both of your children? Is that any different than a child losing one or both of their parents due to divorce or seperation? NO! Think long and hard before you decide to make your's a "blended" family. I am not saying that it cannot work, what I am saying is you'd better be ready to work VERY HARD to make it work. You have to be very understanding and patient and loving towards your step children and most importantly you have to remember that they DID NOT choose their lives. Because if it were left up to the children....YOU would NOT be in the picture.
To those out there who are thinking of adding their "own child" to the mix....be aware that you will be giving birth to your step kids brother or sister! Also keep in mind that your husband is HALF of the reason why your step kids are the way they are and ask yourself if you really want to have children with this person. Afterall...you are now placing yourself in the position to have a child that has a 50% chance of turning out just like the kids you don't like. I came from a broken home and it has taken me 25 years four and a half step dads and one totally awesome and beautiful step son and two of my own children to figure all of this out. I am no expert on these kinds of situations but I think I did pretty darn good with my now 20 year old step son who calls me "Mom". What an honor and a joy to be called MOM by someone that you did NOT give birth to.
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XSTITCHINGTAZ
2/8/06 3:20 P
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SEMERADE, thank you so much for the web site. I checked it out, and I came to realize that it is not my stepkids that I hate, It is my husbands approach to parenting. Someone there told me that "if my DH is ok with how the kids turn out, who am I to try and change that." It made me really stop and think, and I realized they are right. I feel like a huge load has been lifted off my shoulders. I can't change the relationship with my step kids. It is to late for that, but at least I can start to feel better about myself.
Thanks again
Kathy
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XSTITCHINGTAZ
2/8/06 1:43 P
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SEMERADE, I am going to check out that web site, Thanks!
I have 3 step sons, (17,16,14). I met my husband 6 years ago, and I must say I look forward to the day they are out of the house. I know this sounds horrible and I hate even saying it, but I have tried to make an effort and his kids still hate me. I find nasty notes and pictures of me all the time. They even had the nerve last year to write a letter to my husband saying if he really cared about them, he would get rid of me. The major problem is that their mom lets them do what ever they want, and I make them follow certain rules. Nothing major, just make their beds, keep their room clean and clean up any messes they make. Also neither parent seems to care about their grades. The 16 year old is failing chesmestry, and yet he is allowed to run around with friends all weekend long and play baseball for the high school. It is so frustrating, because I know his kids are smart, they are just lazy and no one is willing to step up and make them accountable for their actions, except me. Which is why they hate me. This may sound horrible, but I am actually to the point where I don't care anymore. I am tired of fighting. If they get into trouble or flunk out of school I don't care. I have already told my husband that once they graduate from high school, they are no longer welcome to stay in our house. They can visit all they want, but I will not support them anymore. For one thing, I am trying to have a child of my own and I do not need that constant stress all the time. It is not good for my health. I guess it would be different if I actually had a relationship with these kids, but I don't and never will. They never even speak to me. I know I sound heartless, but believe me I am not. I love kids. I am involved in Big Brothers Big Sisters program, and I get along great with those kids. Well thanks for listening to me ramble. Sometimes it feels good to get this off my chest.
Kathy
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| I have two kids of my own from a previous marriage and so does my hubby. Mine are 2 girls, 8 and 5, his are two boys 11 and 15. Sometimes I love being a step mom and others, I just want to throw my hands up and quit. My problem isn't the kids though, its their parents. My hubby and his ex. My hubby is strict about the way my girls act and how they take care of things, but so much on his boys. Its a never ending fight with him too. Prime example, there is no running through the house or jumping onthe furniture, yet his youngest gets a wild hair up his butt, hauls down the hallway and will take a flying leap onto my hubby's lap while he is sitting on the couch/recliner. Nothing said to him, however if one of my kids were to do it....they get "the lecture". I stand up for my kids, I won't tolerate it. I've even started in on his kids when they do the things he gets on mine about. What REALLY burns me up though is that I told him well before we took our vows that if he married me, he was marrying my kids too and equal treatment was a must. My kids went for visitation with their dad one weekend, and I took his oldest son to Nags Head with me. Well, my hubby got the impression I was taking both, but I was not. He got all made at me citing that if he wanted to go fishing without kids this summer, then he would do it. Or if he wanted to leave one of my kids at home, he would. Well, last time I checked, he never took my kids anywhere to spend time with them. He doesn't mind doing for his, but when it comes to mine, he does the bare minimum. I've told him that when these kids grow up, I want all four of them to be able to say I treated them equally, and he should dtrive for the same. It gets better with time, but it's very hard to accept.
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ERINPATRICIA
2/7/06 7:35 P
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Wow, all I've ever gotten was pity looks when I told people that I have two stepsons. I've known them since they we're in diapers Alek had just turned two, Zack was three. Now They're nine and ten and going on eleven and twenty. But honestly I love them so much. They call me mom and I consider them to be my sons. Yes I'd love to have a child of my own one day but I look at it this way. God gave me a man with two little boys just in case. I couldn't ask for two more precious children.
It is difficult at times. Zack is mentally disabled. He'll never fully grow up and chances are he'll never graduate from college or hold any job outisde of construction, but I love him. Alek is his dad reincarnated. Stubborn to a fault, but very lovable and incredibly sweet, plus he does everything around the house from laundry to cooking. He's gonna make someone a great husband.
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There is also a great support group for stepmoms.
www.smoms.org
That site helped me a lot while I was going though rough times. Good Luck!
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Thanks everyone for your help and support. I'm just really nervous, mostly because I'm so young and never expected this to happen at my age,lol. I know it's probably pointless to be freaking out the way I am, but I've gotten more comfortable with it since I've gotten some help from you guys, thanks so much!
Jenna
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You don't need anyone's approval but yourself and your SO. The baby was just born. She'll grow up knowing you. The issue of mom and dad being together will only come up when the BIO mom brings it up to her. (yes it will happen) The baby will actually grow up to know you being the one with dad - she will be heartbroken if you ever split. She will wonder about you. It's kind of good to start off being a blended family with a child so young. You get to do things right and you don't have to start with older children and minds already made up.
Here is a group you could join for support: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/stepmoms/
The baby's mother can really cause some drama, and most likely will. The MORE support you can get, ie. from this group and others, will be so beneficial.
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babygirl and amazin,
I used to let that sort of stuff worry me as well. All six of those kids are grown and they don't care. I think I cared more than they did. I have a problem with in-laws who favor their biological grandkids/nieces/nephews over the stepkids.
In my last marriage, my inlaws treated ALLLL of my kids the same. My own brother wanted to buy christmas for my three bios, but not for my stepkids. I said, 6 kids are alot to buy for and I understood if he couldn't buy for all of them, but I'd prefer that he not buy for any than to only buy for some. He bought for all six one year, but said after that, that he just couldn't afford it. I said that I understood and that was really and truly fine with me. I just didn't want any kids getting their feelings hurt.
Well, when I married my current husband, they tried to play favorites between the kids. I tore up the walls about it. When I got married, my husband and his kids moved into MY house. My kids had to suddenly share their rooms, their things, their time with me, etc... to accomodate their step-siblings. I was not about to let them make all these sacrifices, just to be treated like second class citizens. My stepkids had to make sacrifices too, but my family didn't have a problem with treating them all the same. As I see it NONE of the kids had any choice about this marriage. They all had to just accept decisions that we adults up on them. I told my husband that we don't divide the kids up in this house and no one else had a right to divide them either. We are a blended FAMILY, not just housemates. It's been five years and all is doing ok. My older kids and my husband's oldest have moved out. This past Christmas my in-laws gave my husband's daughter $50 for Christmas, but didn't give my young adult kids anything. I am a little offended and yes, I feel some petty anger, but at least they are treating the kids that are in the home equally. My adult kids really don't give a care what they do for them or the others. It's basically just a 'me' thing, so I've decided not to make a stink about it.
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| I'm also a step mom to a 10 year old boy and have a daughter of my own. My sons mother does everything she can for him. He doesn't understand why she can afford to do all this fun stuff and we can't. We sat him and our daughter down and explained to them that if we only had them once a month we could afford to do all the fun stuff too. But since we had them both full time we were more concerned about them getting good educations and growing into responsible adults than going to the local walmart and letting them get whatever.
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I'M A STEP MOM OF 2 A BOY 13 A GIRL 10.I have 5 of my own kids from a past relationship.The mother of my step kids is able to do extra things for her kids and mine see that,and I'm not able to do extra for mine.Some times I'm not sure how to handle that an talk to my kids with out them thinking bad of me.I'm sure there will be a change in money soon because I'm going to school to start a career.Just not sure what to do in the mean time.Thanks 
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I might the 'mother' of all step-moms. When I got married to my 2nd husband, he had three kids and I had three. The oldest of the six was 5. I raised them for most of the 12 years that I was married to him. We also had a child together. He and I split in 1998. I remarried in 2000 and have two more step children.
The original 6 are all young adults now and I'm still 'mom' to ALL of them. The stepdaughter from my 2nd marriage is going to be 22 next week. She lives in Vegas, but stays in constant touch with me. I remember her absolutely HATING me when I was raising her. She reminded me alllll of the time that I wasn't her real mom and referred to her bio-mom as her "pretty" mom... it was a nightmare sometimes, but we managed. I am simply amazed at how close we are now. She is getting married in April 2007 and has insisted that I have got to be there. She even offered to pay my way. She is now a step-mom to her fiancee's little girl. I think that had a lot to do with her attitude change towards me. The key with those three kids was to always include bio-mom in everything possible. I had to teach the kids to respect her and re-inforce to HER that no matter what I did or didn't do, her kids would always need her in their lives.
My current co-mom is a mommy-dropout. She may come to see the little guy once a year and call him every other month or so. I would so love to slap the snot out of her. I've tried everything, even having him call her. Her life is so unstable that her number changes constantly. Trust me, I don't let the little guy know how mad it makes me. He doesn't need to hear the negativity. I try to be supportive, but it's hard. He started missing her so bad, that he started calling me mom.
My husband's daughter just turned 18 and moved out, so we only have my youngest (14 year old girl) and his youngest, (the little guy, 10 years old).
Being a step-mom is something that you must do because YOU want to and YOU feel committed. At times it seems to be the most thankless job in the world. If you're doing it so that someone else will appreciate you, do something else. Everything you do is under a microscope, you can never measure up to the missing parent. The trick is to never take these things personally or let them cause you to forget what is really important. It doesn't matter who hugs and takes care of little Johnny or little Suzie, it only matters that SOMEONE does. I have gotten so disgusted by some of the things that have occured between my step-children and their bios, but I have had to remind myself that I have never ever been a perfect parent either. Just because they don't have their kids, is not a reason to pass judgement. Concentrating on that sort of thing just leads to resentment that the children can and do sense.
Happy parenting everybody!!!
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| Sometimes what bio-moms do stinks:( I do not mean to offend anybody here, but there is definitely something going on when there is blended families are involved. Unfortunately, I believe it is because of the adults' feelings. (i.e bio-mom being jealous/confused of/about the stepmom or visa versa) I hope you will be very happy with your new step-baby and future babies:) Please keep in touch:)
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| Thanks. This was just really unexpected considering she waited like 2 weeks b4 her due date to tell us she was even pregnant. But yeah, I already love the baby, and we're both really looking forward to having kids of our own someday. I'm just really afraid that she'll be confused as to why her mom and dad aren't together, I really want her to like me and I'm great with kids.
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| I am sure that everything will turn out great. Just keep the faith, and believe in your love. Sometimes it takes time, and it hurts but eventually everything turns out beautiful. Just be patient:) First time we got married, I was scared to death, and everything was so awkward but things are great now. I am sure it will even be easier for you since you will be in your future stepdaugther's life at a very early age.
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| I'm 18 and my boyfriend just found out that he has a daughter. She was born January 30th 2006. The baby's mother got pregnant before my boyfriend and I even got together and we're very serious. We know we'll be getting married but we're just waiting until we can afford it. I'm a bit nervous about becomeing a step-mom, and I'm afraid she won't like me.
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| My stepchildren are 12 and 16. I do not have any children myself, but I love those two as if they were my own. I am praying to have a little rugrat of our own some time
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MYSPECIALKS
2/4/06 9:53 A
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| Amen- I have 2 steps now 18 & 20..met DH when they were still in diapers..it has been a long road!
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| I have been a stepmom for 3.5 years. I love my stepchildren very much. Although I am very happy with my blended family, I have found out that being a stepmom is not always the easiest thing. Especially when it comes to getting rid of the image created for us by some movies, etc. I thought it would be nice to have a corner for all the stepmothers to discuss and share our experiences and thoughts. Have a great weekend!
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