Macman1, I was just reading through this thread and I wanted to thank you for a few things that you said in your posts:
"All people tend to be more understanding when they know that they are loved and accepted."
"...wouldn't the wise person seek to discover what is behind the bad behavior before he resisted it?"
"For years I've told ladies to set their standards high and never compromise them for any guy. If a guy is man enough to reach your standards, you'll have a great guy. If he is not, he's not worth having in the first place. The flip-side to this is the lady is to first demand from her self what she is demanding in her guy."
"As I read my Bible it tells me in Colossians 3:19, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." And in Ephesians 5:25, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" Since God created both me and her, and since marriage originated in the mind of God, it just makes sense to me to do my best to do marriage His way."
"...as adults we are ultimately responsible for our own emotional well being."
And my personal favorite:
"Try to take it easy on the ladies who offer their opinions, even in "The Guys Lounge"."
Having been the recipient of harshness from an ex-husband, I appreciate your sensitivity while still addressing the initial post in a helpful way. I also agree with the idea that as adults, we are responsible for our own emotional well being. In my opinion, your comments are helpful because they aren't judgmental and promote assuming the best and finding a solution.
...and because you stuck up for us women who maybe shouldn't, (but like to), learn more about you men by visiting the guys lounge posts.
MACMAN1 5/30/08 11:53 A
Dave,
I'm totally seeing what you're saying. I just think encouraging the two of them to talk out their situation before jumping to conclusions is best. Again, if she's being manipulative, that has to be dealt with. How about instead of "...If you love me, then why are you trying to prevent me from doing things that are good for my health and why are you acting in a manner that is detrimental to my emotional health?"
Maybe, "I know that you love me,so I don't understand when it seems like you're trying to prevent me from doing things that are good for my health?" As for the statement/question, "why are you acting in a manner that is detrimental to my emotional health?" I'd leave that off entirely. There are two reasons for this. First, it's accusatory and I've found assigning assumed blame is not a good way to reach a healthy resolution. Second, I don't ascribe to the idea that one can be detrimental to the emotional health of another (since we are talking about two free-willed adults here). I know that one can make things challenging, even difficult, but as adults we are ultimately responsible for our own emotional well being. What do you think?
Your friend, Misguided Macman
DAVE920 5/30/08 11:01 A
Macman - I also love God. I am a minister.(And, not a raging fundamentalist) I also spent 15 years of my life as a licensed counselor. I also have been married for many many years to a wonderful woman who never has and never will "compromise" moral and/or ethical values for me or anyone else.(And I don't expect her to) I personally have no respect for any man who is "harsh" or tries to dominate, control or manipulate a woman or for that matter any human.
On the flip side I have no respect for any woman who tries to dominate, control or MANIPULATE a man or any other human. This is what this gal's behavior is about. She is in a "I'm upset - I'm not going to tell you about what - But keep trying to make it better" mode.
It is true that a relationship is a give and take proposition but she is not living up to her end of the bargain.
If you claim to love someone then you need to love them enough to tell them the truth. The truth in this situation is, "Honey I love you. I don't know what your problem is and you won't tell me. I do not deserve to be treated this way. If you love me, then why are you trying to prevent me from doing things that are good for my health and why are you acting in a manner that is detrimental to my emotional health?"
You and others seem to be forgetting that she is the one with the problem.
As for you, I apologize for saying you are "whupped", misguided is probably a gentler way to term it.
MACMAN1 5/30/08 9:21 A
I'll give you that he shouldn't reward "bad behavior", but wouldn't the wise person seek to discover what is behind the bad behavior before he resisted it? If his fiance is insecure and he could reassure her, then the "bad behavior" is addressed, and they could proceed in a healthy manner with their relationship. If he determines the "bad behavior" is the result of his fiance being a "bad person", then he will have to evaluate things from there. (Something which would have been best done before they decided to take actions to bring I child into the picture).
As to who has me so "whupped"? A two-fold answer. First: when you live to honor God He sometimes blesses you beyond your wildest imaginations. It doesn't hurt my pride one iota to know that I married up - way up! The wild thing is, she feels like she is the one who married up. It's a great combo. Both of us feel really fortunate to have the other and both of us experience being treasured and respected by our mate.
For years I've told ladies to set their standards high and never compromise them for any guy. If a guy is man enough to reach your standards, you'll have a great guy. If he is not, he's not worth having in the first place. The flip-side to this is the lady is to first demand from her self what she is demanding in her guy. (After all why would a guy sell himself short if she's not worth having in the first place.) When these two get together you have a great team - one built on character, class, and compatibility. A far more stable standard than "Wow, she's hot!" don't you think.
Second: As I read my Bible it tells me in Colossians 3:19, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." And in Ephesians 5:25, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" Since God created both me and her, and since marriage originated in the mind of God, it just makes sense to me to do my best to do marraige His way. Isn't this an example of "Preach the gospel at all times, when necessary use words."? Whether it is or not, It seems to be working well for us - and we just celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary.
Whupped? Maybe. Happy, secure, and loving life? You betcha!
DAVE920 5/30/08 1:26 A
Macman - My point is they shouldn't even be reading what's going on in the Men's boards. If it were the reverse they would gripe like all get out about men interfering.
As far as him acquiescing to her bad behavior, that's what she is trying to get him to do. If he starts rewarding her bad behavior now, he will have to pit up with it forever.
By the way, who has YOU so "whupped."
MACMAN1 5/29/08 11:44 P
Dave, Try to take it easy on the ladies who offer their opinions, even in "The Guys Lounge". Read through some of the sorry advice that is sometimes offered here and you'll begin to understand why they sometimes feel the need to chime in.
As to the initial dilemma, go out of your way to make sure she knows that you are crazy about both her and your soon-coming child. All people tend to be more understanding when they know that they are loved and accepted.
DAVE920 5/28/08 9:23 A
A. It amazes me that females tend to try to get involved with these topics even though this is supposed to be a male message board. I believe that that is because they can never get past thinking that we poor ole guys can't get by without their advice. They keep trying to fix us even when we "ain't broke." B. Your fiance is behaving that way because she is mad at you for getting her pregnant and wants to punish you.
LULU0218 5/23/08 11:02 A
I'm going to chime in here even though I'm a girl. Would you have considered her a jealous person pre-pregnancy? If so, then she is probably more so now because she's not feeling that good about herself and she's insecure that you'll be losing weight while she is gaining.
If she's not normally jealous it could be hormones. Talk to her about it and try not to take anything too personally, she'll more than likely go back to the person you know and love once she has your son.
Congratulations, you're life is about to take a whole new meaning. It's amazing! :-)
DANNO778 5/15/08 3:12 P
Porch,
I'm in a similar situation as you. My wife is 5+ months pregnant with our second child. After we had our first, the wife and I started our lifestyle changes together. She was using WW and I was using Sparkpeople, and we were both seeing results. Winter came, and with it difficult to work out we both kinda fell off the wagon. Neither of us gained anything but we stopped losing.
Here spring is, and now that she's far along we've both come to the conclusion that it's not very safe for her to ride her bike (like we both were for exercise). I've continued staying motivated, but I think she's insecure about the fact that I'm losing weight and she can't work as hard as she used to.
I'm guessing your wife doesn't want you to work out or lose weight because she's insecure that you'll be more attractive and leave her, and I think my wife does.
I've every intention of motivating (as best I can) my wife to get back on track, because I know she wants to and want her to know we're in this together. In the end I think that's all you can do...
RENA1965 5/5/08 11:25 P
Ja, she may feel insecure about you getting into shape. I agree with Coffeefreak.
COFFEEFREAK 5/5/08 1:01 P
Just a lady popping in here... I hope its okay! Pregnant women are wacky and can be insecure sometimes. (I was and Im normally not) Maybe since shes gaining weight, she doesnt want to be bigger than you, out of shape in comparison to you or you to start looking at other smaller women. She may need reassurance your doing this for the 3 of you and shes still hot and sexy! Get her on the treadmill too or out walking. She may see it as getting healthy together, not that you're getting healthy to move onto greener pastures. :)
Okay... Im heading back to the co-ed world! good luck!
TIMSCOTT 5/5/08 10:11 A
Sit down with your wife, on a good day, when she's happy, and explain your goals and ask her help in achieving those goals. Tell her your fears and your real desire to give her and the baby your very best. Hopefully she will understand and buy into your goals. Certainly once she understands your aspirations--which are noble--she should be deeply appreciative of your attitude to serve. If she refuses to listen and continues to sabotage your efforts, something is awry and I would suggest counseling.
RONIN672 5/5/08 2:42 A
WOW, that's strange. My wife is always riding me to get on the tredmill or take a walk or what not. OK, this is just a theory here, so stay with me on this. The food thing is possibly part of the "mothering" tendancy coming on, making sure everyone has enough before she get's hers. As for the workout problems, I'm stumped, and don't even have a theory. Have you talked to her on this subject? Does she know about the situation with your dad, and your thought on it? Does she realize you are doing this to take care of them(her and the child), and not for some other reason? My wife and I are trying to have kids, and that has been a major factor in both of us taking better care of ourselves.
ITSJUSTPORCH 5/4/08 8:18 P
i have a fiancee that is 4.5 months pregnant. i was a little overweight before she was pregnant, but have gained even more with the stress of the last few months. i have been trying to workout and eat better so that i can be a much healthier father when my baby boy comes out. i recently went to the doctor and he advised i should lose atleast 10 pounds to reduce my BMI which is very close to 30 now and help my blood pressure. i am 5'6'' and 185 lbs. however, my fiancee refuses to let me work out. when i try to walk on the treadmill, she'll come up and unplug it. i try to eat smaller portions and if she dont think ive eaten enough, she'll eat smaller portions. i tell her that im trying to get into shape to keep up with the baby when he arrives but she just wont listen to me. i am perfectly fine with being fat and eating whatever i want, but how do i make her realize that im trying to lose weight to be around for a long time? my father passed when i was 2 yrs old, i dont want to have my boy go through the same.
