See, I have things totally in reverse. I love my wife's family, I get easilly annoyed by most of my family. Let's just say they put the "fun" in dysfunctional! Usually I spend most of the day with my wife's family, and make the quick appearance with my family at holidays. That is, unless my cousin has the X-Box fired up and I'll spend some time playing video games with him and the younger cousins.
PC_BOB 6/8/08 2:02 P
I have seen it both ways. Sometimes, when people who have lived together for a long time get married it isn't long until they split up. It's a totally different set of expectations. But I do believe that living together gets rid of a lot of those childish fantasies of what a marriage is all about. It's a lot of give and take. And yes, the 'family' extends in a lot of directions. I was never too fond of a lot of my wife's family, in the beginning. But I realized, too, that blood is thicker than water. I wasn't going to drive a wedge between my wife and her family. We moved to a different state before we were married, just so we could make a clean start. Over time we gradally came back to her hometown, and I have acceptd both her town and her family. It's just a matter of respect and acceptance.
RONIN672 6/8/08 12:41 A
Obviously they never used anyone I know in these studies. All of my friends lived with the one they married, and the are all still together and doing fine. You would think the opposite would be true, as you would already know what to expect from eachother, and would already have alot of things(expences,housekeeping,cooking prefferences, ect) worked out. I do wonder, who funded/did these studies? Not to say these studies are biased, but any study can be made to give the outcome you want, if you use the right people. I like to trust what I personally observe, not what some faceless group says they found. I guess I am just not trusting of statistics/"studies".
MACMAN1 6/7/08 10:32 P
Study after study has proven just the opposite. I hope all of you are different, but countless social studies have determined that couples who lived together before marriage are much more likely to later divorce than those who did not.
PACOONE 6/7/08 11:45 A
Well, it's always a good thing to try living together first before you get married, and try to save having kids until after you're married. No reason why two married people can't work on their careers before they settle down even more.
CATHY1233 6/6/08 8:28 P
Wow, this is such an interesting thread. As a divorced women I have mixed feelings. Obviously, being married didn't work out so well for me, but then I think that living together would have been worse. The big difference with being married was that there were legal protections for me. I think that often in relationships that fail, (not always), the woman suffers the greatest losses.
Financial, of course, is one of the biggest ones. I know when my husband left me for another woman after 12 years, I would have been in trouble without the child support for the children and the spousal support for me. Because I had been a stay-at-home mom, I had no marketable job skills, whereas my husband had his career in full swing, (and so did the woman he left me for..they are cops and were partners at the time.) The spousal support helped while I went to school to learn skills to earn a living. I was still way behind in my earning potential for my age for a long time, but without schooling I would only have been able to earn minimum wage.
Then there's the emotional loss and losing my "protector". The truth is that having my husband, partner and father of my children leave me was devastating. Losing him was amazingly difficult...it was like he died. I kept saying, 'Steve wouldn't do this'. But he did. The event was even harder because of the security issue. I was totally dependent on him. I was "room mother" for my kids and took pride in being a good mom and wife. I was proud of the fact that even though he was responsible for bringing home the pay checks, I took care of everything else for him. I thought that's what a good wife did. I felt so blind sided when he left.
But, you know, I still think that investing my life into my husband and children was a great choice and I'd do it again. I'm so grateful for those years with my kids. It didn't end like I wanted but life goes on. I was grateful that even with his changing his mind about his commitment, I was still covered somewhat financially in exchange for the years of caring for our family rather than developing a career for myself. Without the divorce settlement I would have been starting from scratch at 33 years old. Not that life is fair, but that definitely wouldn't have been fair.
I think the other thing women lose is self-respect and the feeling of being cherished. Since women are usually more vulnerable after a break-up, it stands to reason that they are more insecure when there is no real commitment to start with. They usually have way more to lose if he doesn't want to continue in the relationship. Insecurity doesn't enhance any relationship and probably the wisest idea would be to not give up all of one's power and independence without a commitment that warrants it. It's hard to respect yourself when you feel you're letting someone disrespect you.
Feeling secure to me means knowing that I'm going to be ok with or without a man to share life with. (my security is in knowing I'm God's girl =) ). When I'm in a relationship these days, it doesn't have to "complete me" and be everything...I'm already complete. I don't invest so much that I lose me. That doesn't mean that I don't miss and want a man in my life, though! I just wouldn't get married again unless it was to someone who I could give ALL of me to... but he'd have to commit ALL of himself to me too...in marriage. I wouldn't want all of the appearances and entitlements of actual marriage without the commitment of actual marriage. Does that make sense?
Obviously, being married doesn't guarantee a successful relationship, but for most women it goes a long way in assuring them that they are valued, loved, wanted and respected...for real and forever.
***[Guys, trust me, a woman who truly feels loved and secure would make you HAPPY to be her man. (are there any guys out there who can vouch for that?)]***
AFRENCHV, you can't change what's already done but taking care of yourself is always a good idea...it makes me sad to hear that you feel like your life is on hold. And the idea that he doesn't want you to visit your family troubles me. You still need a well rounded life even though you have him and the baby; family is part of that. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't be threatened by your also having healthy relationships with other people. I'm glad to hear that you're going back to school.
My view of God is that there's a reason why He wants me to do things certain ways...and that reason is because he loves me and wants to save me from needless pain. I have way more peace today letting God be God in my life than I ever did trying to run my life on my own...
...for what it's worth.
(sorry this is so long!)
PC_BOB 6/6/08 12:44 P
There is another side to this, that has only been lightly touched on.
In our (modern day) society women have an unequal role. This is just a fact, and I'm not trying to start an argument about that.
My wife's younger sister was always a rebel, running with bikers and other less-reputable types. She was married once, to a young guy she really cared about, who was a drug dealer. He worked in the oil fields in Louisiana, and was out on a rig when a tornado came through. He was killed. He was from a fairly well off family. His sisters did not like her and they made sure that she got nothing. Later, after running with the bikers again, she was in a bad motorcycle accident and spent 2 years in and out of hospitals. She broke most of her bones. Then she met a really 'nice' guy, who worked for UPS. They married, after which she found out that he was an alcoholic and an extreme control freak. She wasn't allowed to leave the house, unless he was with her. After several years she finally got up the nerve to divorce him. Vowing to never get married again, she took a job as the secretary for a free-lance mechanical engineer. Jay was the nicest guy, a real Cajun gentleman. She took over so much of his business that Jay felt he couldn't get by without her. He paid her a great salary. They finally moved in together. Jay had told her that he was in his fifties, but she finally figured out he had to be older; he had been a Chief in the Navy when I was in the Navy. He is actually in his 70's. He had been married before and had several kids from that marriage. His ex-wife is the proverbial witch, and she resented his relationship. When he got smashed up on the job on an oil rig in the Gulf, my sister-in-law was the one who took care of him. Then when Katrina came along he picked up some sort of disease from the water, some sort of flesh-eating bacteria, and almost died. Again, she took care of him.
This was when I told her that if something should happen to Jay she would be out on the street, penniless. His ex-wife and kids would take everything, including his Social Security and Navy pension. Even though he has faithfully paid the child support payments all these years. I told her that they NEEDED to get married, to protect her. After thinking this over for awhile they agreed. Now, should anything happen to him, she is in his will, she will get medical coverage through his retirement. She has diabetes and certainly needs it.
They both felt that they didn't have to be married to prove or show their love for each other. But there are other things to consider. Now, they ride their Harleys all over when he isn't out on a job. He is 'semi-retired', whatever that means. LOL. But they and the rest of the family feel a lot better about them. She is 47 so she will probably outlive jay, maybe; they ar both diabetic.
The legal side will always rear it's head up, at some point. Usually the woman will be the one who suffers the most. For the sake of protection, the woman needs to be married.
Bob
PS Sorry for the long ramble; I shortened it up as much as I could.
RONIN672 6/6/08 1:27 A
I understand what you are saying Mac, but do you think that if my wife and I were not married, we would be any less devoted to eachother? Apparently, the vows/certificate of marriage don't mean much to alot of people as the divorce rate is astronomical in the world. People that love each other don't need outsiders looking down their noses at them, making remarks like "playing house" and such, just because YOU believe they need to be married to live together and have a child. Let people live their own lives and not be judged by values/morals that are not their own. That's a major rule I live my life by. What I was trying to say is that people don't need to be married to be devoted to one another. They don't need the blessing of their peers, they don't need the blessing of a religion they may or may not believe in, what they need is each other. In eachother, they need trust, understanding, communication, and most of all love and compassion. I really hate to see so many people come down with the "playing house" statements, when alot of those couples have everything in common with a married couple, except a piece of paper signed by a church or government official, and have the same chances of breaking up. I understand you are a religious man, and I'm not, and I also see we hold alot of the same values towards our loved ones. I think these same values exist weather a couple is married or not.
RAMBLIN_MAN 6/6/08 12:09 A
Well, I tried to stay out of this.
What two people do is their own business. Shack up if you want. It makes absolutely no difference to me.
What I don't understand is why anyone would have a baby without being married. Exactly what is the message you are trying to send? That you are just as progressive as all of the inner city 15 year old unwed moms on welfare?
I don't think I'm very old fasioned. I'm pretty open minded. But I just don't get it.
Being married isn't about telling the person you're having sex with you won't leave them, it's about telling everyone else.
MACMAN1 6/5/08 11:23 P
RONIN672 - I have absolutely no problem with people waiting five years before they get married, getting married in a park, or even dating each other for twenty years or more if that's what the want to do. I am very aware that "not everyone believes in god/religion, nor do they feel they have to have some ceremony to make others not look on them as if they were doing something wrong."
What I said was tragic is the fact that much of our society has embraced the notion that cohabitation and marriage are equal arrangements. They are not. Some say marriage is a ceremony and a piece of paper. But think through that for just a moment. married people aren't bonded together because they have a piece of paper. They are bonded together by a public, lifelong, commitment they made to each other. I have no doubt that you are a good man and that you love your wife. I have read enough of your posts to know this. Specifically your post in response to "What do you do to show your wife you love her?" comes to mind. Every indication I have seen leads me to believe that the vows you took in the park were more that a ritual. I believe that they were a statement of your commitment to your wife that you unashamedly and proudly made in the presence of God and everyone. Your wedding vows are a statement of your character, of your integrity, and of your intention to love, cherish, honor, and protect her. This is a far cry from just a piece of paper and a ceremony.
As a society the government of this country and the various state governments in turn have relied on the institution of marriage to help classify people for various legal purposes. The church takes its cues from the Bible and not from society. Since the Bible is clear in its teachings about marriage, the church (if it is to have any integrity) has a position it is not free to waver from.
In a very real sense it is between the couple what THEY want to do. The church, the state, even our society as a whole, cannot stop them. The flip side of that is when the couple chooses to go against the standards of society and the state, and/or the teachings of the Bible, the couple can not then control how they are to be viewed.
Again, I have no doubt that you are a good man and that you love your wife. I have even held you up as an example in a previous post. (see Spark People Café - Man Asking Ladies For Advice) I also have no doubt that the institution of marriage has stood the test of time as a solid building block in our society, that cohabitation does not come close to it in a whole list of ways, and that those who recognize this have a responsibility to stand up and defend it.
I truly wish you and yours the best, Macman1
RONIN672 6/5/08 8:47 P
OK, why does anything other than marriage mean "playing house" to you? Did you ever think that some people don't feel they need a piece of paper telling them that they are going to be together until they die or divorce? I know alot of friends that never got married, and are still together 20 some years now. My wife and I waited almost 5 years before we got married. I'm not religious, but still had her minister, but we had a park wedding as I was more comfortable with that. This was after living together for almost 3 years, owning our house, bills and bank account being jointly held, what was the real difference other than a piece of paper from the state/church saying something different? Isn't it between the couple what THEY want to do, not someone elses opinion of the "right thing" to do? I understand where some of you are coming from, but really, not everyone believes in god/religion, nor do they feel they have to have some ceremony to make others not look on them as if they were doing something wrong. If you need to get married to feel right with him, it is something YOU need to talk with HIM about, and not depend on others opinions/moral judgements. You need to do what is right for You, not anyone on this board who doesn't even know you.
MACMAN1 6/5/08 6:33 P
HRHHERMIONE - Very well said. I am both amazed and saddened at how we as a culture have settled for playing house instead of truly committing to those we claim we love. Why in the world did we trade the sanctity and the security of marriage for cohabitation and think we were getting a good, or even equal deal? How tragic!
PC_BOB 4/29/08 4:52 P
There was a time, within my living memory, when having sex, children and living together were activities reserved for marriage. I know, that's so old fashioned. But, hey, it had worked for hundreds if not thousands of years. I mean, if you can get the milk free, why buy the whole cow? I asked one of my young daughters that once and her reply was "Maybe you just want to have a cow." The concept just seems to be lost on the modern generations. Before I met my wife, I had a girl friend. When I first met her she was newly married. She claimed that she and her husband had an 'open' marriage. At first I wanted us to marry. But as time went on I realized that she expected me, too, to accept her 'open' ways. Finally, when I had decided to move on she was the one who wanted to get married. I felt that she was not a good prospect for a wife; I had seen what sort of wife she could be. I met my current wife on the rebound from her and she was also getting over someone and swore that she was not interested in marriage. Two months later we got married. That was 29 years ago this July. Her mother told her it wouldn't last 6 months. We both agreed that divorce was out of the question, so we HAD to work out our problems. We raised 4 kids, and now have 8 grand kids, two that we are raising. It's all about commitment. Things will never be perfect. I told my oldest son that if he waited until the 'right time' to get married he would either never marry or be a bachelor until 40, like his old man. He and his wife celebrated their 11th anniversary last Saturday. It really doesn't hurt that badly. Sometimes you just have to have a leap of faith and jump in. I have never regretted it.
BADSCALEBAD 4/29/08 1:52 P
"He feels we have issues that we need to work before we get married, and we can't expect marriage to solve them for us."
So, I have to ask....What are you guys doing to work on these issues? Not really a question for me, but you need to ask yourself that. If that is how he feels, hopefully you are both willing to actively work on those things together. They don't typically disappear without a consious effort. You should definately pursue your dreams in the meantime. It will probably benefit the relationship. And if it finally comes down to you guys wanting different things in life, you will not regret puting your aspiations on hold while he made up his mind.
On a side note....You have to remember that most women are culturally guided to fantasize about weddings starting at a very young age whereas men are bombarded with the ball and chain image. It takes a bit of time and effort for us to get over that. It took me 5 years to propose and I'm glad she waited for me.
HRHHERMIONE 4/29/08 3:11 A
Skynet, your post made me so sad....
"It's just a piece of paper"..."People have sex...kids...live together anyway - so what's the point?"..."Why would anyone WANT to get married these days?"
This certainly isn't the first time I've heard these sorts of things. But it breaks my heart every time I do. Is it any surprise that our nation is falling to pieces, our families are disintigrating, our children are acting without any regard for others, that that which was once held as most intimate and even sacred is now paraded about as a plaything for our amusement? Marriage is more than living together, having sex, having children, and being legally bound. Marriage is taking two halves and making a whole. Ying and yang. Marriage is losing yourself so completely in each other that you find your own true nature. Marriage is not perfect, the honeymoon doesn't last forever, but the good will always outweigh the bad if you BOTH WORK for it! Marriage is selflessness.
As we as a nation have become more self-centered, more selfish, more indoctrinated to the "I'm entitled" philosophy, our marriages have suffered, divorce rates have climbed and children have come from broken homes thinking that that is the way to live. We have no strength without the bonds that tie us to one another! And without the strength of marriages, families and the communities built by these, we have begun to fall -- and will continue to fall faster and faster with every succeeding generation.
Marriage is more than a piece of paper. It is more than just a legal commitment. It is the total commitment of self and all you have ever been or will ever be. It is giving of yourself completely, but you are not left empty-handed for you recieve the total self of the other in return. Just living together doesn't do it. Having sex and children together doesn't do it. Saying "I love you, but I'm not ready yet" doesn't do it. Because drawing the line at those things means you are holding back. You are keeping a part of yourself from the other. Give all you are and you shall recieve all that THEY are and you will both be complete. "Man cannot be without woman, nor can woman truely be without man."
I hope that all makes sense to you. It's 2am and I haven't slept for almost 48hrs. But I do mean everything I've said.
AFRENCHV 4/28/08 8:51 P
Thanks everyone for all of your help.
I have spoken to him about it. He feels we have issues that we need to work before we get married, and we can't expect marriage to solve them for us. I understand what he means by that;I can only respect the fact that he feels right now is not the right time. He expressed that he loves me more than anything,and that he is going to marry me. He just doesn't want to feel pressured or rushed. I trust, and believe in him. I know now we will be fine. So I'm just going to leave it alone. I plan to focus on enjoying my life,daughter,family,and becoming closer with the lord. God will show me the way ;)
I am happy to that I will be starting school in August.
SHARPSTICK 4/28/08 8:31 P
Here is my two cents.
A relationship is a balance between love and respect, you need both. If his lack of commitment is making you lose respect for him then you are already losing ground.
Talk to him and let him know that he may have your love, but he's losing your respect.
JULIEN* 4/28/08 6:43 P
My bf and I have been dating for 4years, living together for three, have shared bank accounts, ect. (no kids) and to be honest, I don't want to marry him until I am SURE. I'm not sure when that will be, but it is not now. Maybe he (your bf) sees marriage as something sacred and he wants to be absolutly sure before he commits to: forever. At least, that is the way I feel. I just wouldn't feel right saying yes to forever, if what I mean is: right now.
PRETTYLOB1 4/28/08 5:46 P
There could be so many reasons why he won’t formally commit to you. This could actually be that he may not be the one you were meant to be with.
As an outsider looking in (and reading what you posted), it seems as though you are there to cater to him. You are the giver and he is the receiver. You mention all the things you have sacrificed for him and to be with him. But what has he given up for you? Real love is sacrificial and reciprocated.
NEVER, put your plans for your life on hold for anyone (excluding children). I feel if he loves you he should do everything he can to support your dreams, especially if they are to better yourself and you family. One day you'll look back on that decision and regret it.
PASTORSEAN1 4/28/08 8:13 A
From what I've read of your posts, marriage is "security" to you but for him, it's a door closing. You must convince him it's for HIS own benefit (and his child's). Which means YOU may have to change your attitude about marriage too. It's not just a legal way to keep him from leaving you high and dry. If that's the attitude you present to him about getting married, no wonder he's hesitant!
Marriage is so much more than just a piece of paper. It is the union of two people who become one. It is the form of familial relationship that works best for all involved. And this is why God has blessed this form of relationship so often in the Bible.
My suggestion is that you pray on all of this. Get in tune with God and seek the path He has laid out for you. It may surprise you. And if you can, get your boyfriend to pray with you.
Be blessed in this time with your decision...
DOCTORK29 4/27/08 9:52 A
To me, after reading everything, it sounds like your boyfriend wants to maintain his ability to "get out". Marriage does give a sense of finality, and without marriage, he can get out at any time without having to pay for alimony and child support. He would only have to pay for the support.
That sounds tough, but my sister went through the same thing. It took her boyfriend 5 years. Their first child is in school now, and have had a second. They are finally getting married this summer and they feel that it is the best time. I am glad they are taking the step and hope the best for them.
As for advice, I can't give you any...I'm sorry. Your situation requires a lot of trust which is extremely important in any relationship and if you trust that one day he will ask, let it at that. If you don't feel comfortable that he will, then maybe something needs to be done.
ENIGMASANGEL 4/25/08 12:11 P
I can certainly understand some of the male posters trepidation regarding the legal/financial risks involved in marriage. My sister got divorced and her deadbeat husband got to take half of everything she worked so hard for. A travesty!
However, in your situation, if he decides he's done playing house, where does that leave you? You are in a different state from your family and support system. You have no income of your own that could be used toward re-establishing yourself in your own household. If you take emotion out of the equation, it would seem the most logical course of action would be to go back home where you would have family to help with childcare and go to school. It's hard enough to find a decent job today when you have a degree, how much harder will it be tomorrow if you don't? You owe it to yourself and your child to be as self-reliant as possible...just in case. If he really loves you he will either understand that your pursuit of an education would be the best thing for all three of you, decide that maybe it's time to get married after all or give you the "if you leave it's over" ultimatum. Either way, you'd no longer be in limbo.
WANNASEEABS 4/22/08 5:28 A
I Have been with my gf for almost 3 years now. I only want to get married once and i want to be sure. If I can get 3 months straight thats great i'll ask her.
KRISTIJ3 4/15/08 8:31 P
he says its just a piece of paper because hes getting the wife role from you without the expense of the wedding. i know the situation like the back of my hand and i can tell you..its frustrating and annoying as hell. i heard from a very wise source "if he doesnt know if hes gonna marry you within 2 years, he never will" you just have to find out if he KNOWS he wants to marry you or continue playing house.
FATDADDY307 4/14/08 7:01 P
I don't know what he is thinking but if he has never been married before , he may have friends who have and it probably ended in divorce. Now this is going to sound bad but I am on my third marriage. My first marriage lasted two months, but we were together two years. my second marriage lasted 5 months and we were together tree years. this does not mean this will happen to you but marriage changes some men, that's what happened to me. I am not saying it was all my fault but for the most part it was. Some times guys fill great in a relationship like yours and they still fill that sense of freedom that they THINK they are going to loose with marriage. And sometimes they just need that extra push maybe he is getting to comfortable with your situation. These are just a few thoughts on the matter.
AFRENCHV 4/14/08 2:44 A
He has said that It's just a piece of paper before. So if it's just a piece of paper to you , but means so much more to me than that, Why not just sign the damn piece of paper if that's all it is.
Guys you have to understand (most) women look at marriage very differently from men. I look at it as him committing to me. Him proving to me that "we're in this together". Guys look at it as taking a risk. If you not willing to take the risk for the person you love more than anyone; what risk are worth taking? What about the other 50 % of marriages that do last? Life is nothing without having someone to share it with. Cut all talk about how you want to be with me forever. Like I said actions speak louder than words.
Sometimes I try to look at it from his point of view. And yes I do understand. But at the same time why cant he put himself in my shoes. I take care of our child all day everyday. I keep his house clean. He comes home daily to a good hot meal. He had me move all the way from Nashville,TN to Lincoln NE so we could be together. I feel played. Before I moved to Lincoln he always said I can't wait to marry you bla bla bla . What the Hell did he say all this for? Just to get me up here? I hate this cold weather.
If any body is sacrificing anything its me. I could have stayed my biracial ass at home and went to school. He doesn't want me to go to school because he doesn't want our daughter to have to be put in day care. If I was at home I would have no problem having someone watch her. So now I'm in a situation that I didn't bargain for. Yes I should have waited till marriage before we had sex/children. But what's done is done now. Am I supposed to stop having sex now? Hey a woman gets horny too okay! I'm putting my life on hold for our family. While he's out bettering himself, and he can't even give me his last name. Him,and our daughter have the same last name, but I'm the outcast. It hurts.
Yes I am aware of many differences our marriage would make. If we we're married I wouldn't be mad that my life is on hold I'd know it's not the best thing for our family right now. But I do feel this way because we're not married. Sometimes I feel we're not a real family. I want the real thing,not some fake fairy tale. He could leave me tomorrow no questions asked. While I was sitting around thinking this is for our family. I want to go to school. I want to better myself. I need to feel like I can provide for myself and my child on my own. He knows all of this, but still allow me to feel this way. It would make a difference in many other ways also.
If he doesn't believe that I want to be with him forever after all this. Will he ever. He has no reason to think I would divorce him. I don't believe in divorce. And if he thinks I'll take his money. "Nigga you aint got no money to begin with!" Yes that's what I told him.
I told him I wanted to go home for a little while(to visit). He say's "I don't want you to go, I don't know what to do with myself when your gone. I'll miss coming home to y'all." Okay so what's he gone do If I ever decide to leave him.
boy boy what am I going to do about this very stubborn man.
SKYNET1024 4/14/08 12:06 A
I'm curious about why someone would even want to get married now days. I have been in two relationships each over five years that ultimately ended. The first one I *WAS* actually married. Seriously marriage is a legal document for the purpose of having a better legal standing to "Get what you want" in court when things go sour. Present day it is not an affirmation of love or a license to go to bed-- people pledge their love and make love well in advance. If a woman was pushy with me about getting married I'd be terribly put off by it -- unless I had a fair prenuptial agreement. So many peoples lives are ruined by divorce, why run the risk? I don't think that having a piece of paper and a ring makes people love one another a single bit more-- or be more committed either. It does make people in bad relationships sometimes stay for years and years in misery because they're legally trapped in that relationship. Enjoy your love-- that is really what is important, it's the best thing in the world to share your life and love with someone, and it doesn't come from the town hall... Just one guy's point of view though.
HEALTHIERNOW 4/13/08 11:07 P
Before you talk about this with him, ask yourself how your own relationship would be different with him if you are married, especially with a 50% divorce rate in the USA. When you are clear with him how your relationship would be changed for you (and him too), it will help him to make up his mind.
RONIN672 4/13/08 8:37 P
Yes, she was comfortable with waiting for the wedding. We still did all the same stuff married couples did, but honestly, in my thinking, it's just a piece of paper, in our eyes, we were already living like a married couple. We had a joint account for bills and other shared expences, we shared a bed, shared hosehold chores, and things were still fine. I, not being a religious man, didn't need a "church wedding" to let everyone kow we were staying together for life, but we did. I talked her into an outdoor wedding in a park, which made me feel more comfortable with things. I think the big thing for waiting was wanting to be sure about things,ie: finances, personal habits,friends,family, hobbies,ect. Basicly making sure things are right for a healthy relationship. From what you have said, this sounds alot like the same situation. I can't say I'd be worried about him "going away", especially with having a child. He also might be spooked by his parents misfortune, and it might be causing him to hesitate. All that said, I still think this is something you two need to discuss. All the speculation in the world from people who don't actually know the both of you doesn't matter much. Get a sitter, make a nice dinner, and talk. Guys don't mind discussion when the subject is something important to both parties.
DAVIDMAC1 4/13/08 7:30 P
My son is doing the same thing that your boyfriend is doing and I am frustrated because I don't want to lose my grand daughter.I hope your boyfriend will quit putting it off and marry you soon.My wife and I dated for a couple of years before we were married and we both stayed virgins until our honeymoon.I honestly feel that situations like this would not arrise if more young people will do what my wife and I did.
199CLUB 4/13/08 1:54 P
I married my wife on the 6 year anniversary of our first date, and we have been together for 12+ years since. If she would have pushed me earlier, it probably would have screwed it up. (If you push me, I push back, period) It wasn't like I was activly thinking (is she the one or isn't she), it just wasn't time yet. I don't how to describe it better than that.
JPERSON2 4/13/08 3:29 A
Why buy the book if you can read it for free? Now, that's just a thought. I don't know what kind of guy he is or what he is thinking but maybe you will ponder this. My wife asked me to marry her. I thought it was different but I said yes anyway. We've been married nearly 4 years now. I would have asked her after a while but I don't know when. I know I was just trying to wait for the time to be right. I wanted to have more money and not be broke when we got married. Well, 3 kids later and I'm still broke. She may still be waiting. Good Luck!
AFRENCHV 4/13/08 2:43 A
Thanks guys for your replies
Golfpro, his parents we're never married either. Their relationship ended after about 4 years. Maybe this does has something to do with his reason. But yes, he says he does want to marry me someday. But it's not the right time. "why not" I say, no answer. My whole thing is that with out the commitment words are just words; that actions speak louder than.
I wonder if he doesn't know for "damn sure" that he wants to marry me after almost three years will he ever? Am I wasting my time?
I don't want our daughter to get use to us living together as a family, and then one day we're separated. The last thing I want to do is hurt her.
Ronin, was your wife comfortable being with you without being married for that long? Did it take the whole 3 years for you to be sure that you wanted to be with her for the rest of your life?
I guess the reason this bothers me most of all is because, I love him. I never loved this way before. His touch makes my heart beat faster. I can't bare the feeling of knowing that if him or me passed tomorrow,I wouldn't ever get the chance to show him how happy I could have made him as his wife. I know that I want to grow old with him. Him not ready to commit says maybe he doesn't feel the same.
One day when I decide I've waited as long as I can (God forbid it doesn't come to this)I will leave. He will miss me. I'll know I was a good woman to him; even if he realized it too late.
thanks again guys
BIGSHAWNO 4/12/08 10:25 P
Both these guys make great points and I agree that a heart felt, honest and open conversation about the situation is indeed needed to get to the answer you are suching for.
RONIN672 4/12/08 7:58 P
If it makes you feel any better, I waited almost 3 years before I asked my wife. Sometimes guys do take their time to make absolutly damn sure this is what they want. Golfpro speaks the truth though, your man is the only one who can answer this. Honestly, maybe you and him need to sit down and have a talk about it. Alot of the questions the ladies post up in here would be easily answered if they would just talk to the person involved.
GOLFPRO 4/12/08 7:16 P
Has he ever expressed interest in getting married? Or even expressed NOT wanting to get married?
I'm sure we can all give opinions of why he hasn't married yet. But he's really the only one who can tell you. Whether it's because his parents had a marriage that he doesn't want to follow in the steps of. Or maybe he just is too afraid because of the "finality" of it in his mind.
My suggestion is to ask him about it. What is your take on it if he says he doesn't ever want to be married? Will it change how you feel about him? It's kind of a risk/rewards scenario. He may say sure, lets get married. Or he could be spooked by it and draw away. You need to decide if it's worth asking, then go from there.
I'm sure this isn't anything you haven't already considered. But that's my take.
matt
AFRENCHV 4/12/08 3:07 A
I really need a man's opinion(women feel free to reply also.)I've been with my man for almost 3 years now. We have a wonderful relationship,a daughter, and even joined bank accounts. I love him more than words can describe. One problem though; we're not married, or even engaged. We live like we're married, but we're not. Its really starting to get to me. he says he wants to spend his life with me. Why can't he make the commitment. I know he loves me. So what's his deal? Can any one help me to understand ? How long does a guy expect a woman to wait around for? Damn it give me something at least an engagement!
