hello 1daisy. well for what its worth been through somthing like it myself. a few years ago i was very distant from my wife in the end she asked me to see someone turned out i was suffering from problems when i was in forces and all that. never dawned on me i thought it was normal not to show my feelings. any how we sat down and told each other how we felt and what we wanted from each other years later we get on great.as in a steve martin film i once saw with my beloved. "the rollercoaster has more ups and downs but is more fun were as the roundabout just goes round and round" well less rabbling hope this helps
yorkiebear
DAWNBURD 1/25/08 9:57 A
You have to love who you are before anyone else can love you back. This is something I try to help my own wife understand; I love her, but if she thinks she is unlovable, it makes it hard for me to keep expressing my love, espescially when she shrugs it off as I couldn't really love her as she is.
Thank you BIG_CD that's exactly what I was trying to say!
BIG_CD 1/25/08 9:16 A
To be honest, he either loves you and show it, or he doesn't give a rip. Guys sometimes have a hard time showing love, but the two of you always threateneing to leave only hurts the marriage further. When I got married I had to face a world full of divorce. But my wife and I decided that we were not allowing that option into our marriage. It's hard, no doubt, and I screw up all the time, but him telling you to leave, or you threatening to give your love to someone else will be the biggest obstacle you can face. Honestly, if he doesn't pay attention to you now, you could become a supermodel and it wouldn't change him. You have to love who you are before anyone else can love you back. This is something I try to help my own wife understand; I love her, but if she thinks she is unlovable, it makes it hard for me to keep expressing my love, espescially when she shrugs it off as I couldn't really love her as she is.
Hope this helps a bit.
DAWNBURD 1/25/08 12:25 A
Daisy, I'm not a guy (obviously, with a name like Dawn), but I find that the happier I am with myself, the happier I am in my marriage. So if you want to lose weight/get in shape, try to do it with the mindset of making yourself happier, not making your husband notice you more. I've had that same resentful feeling before, that feeling of, why don't you appreciate the fact that I'm always willing to have sex, when I know there are so many guys who are tired of their wives/girlfriends always having a "headache?" But I tend to take it personally if he doesn't want to "do it" right when I do - so it turns into "you think I'm fat, don't you?" "I bet if my boobs were bigger, you'd want to have sex with me." And all of that is about as sexy as a sharp stick to the eye. So yeah. I find that when I'm feeling great about myself, our sex life is great, and when I'm feeling lousy and sorry for myself, I tend to take everything personally.
That's just MY perspective. I'm not saying that your situation is the same. It seems like your husband is being pretty insensitive, but what one of the previous posters said is true also with my husband - if he's feeling attacked, he gets really defensive and says things he doesn't mean - like "maybe if I'm so awful you should just leave me!" And I know good and well he doesn't mean it. We've been through counselling and it helped SO much, as we both have a huge tendency to be defensive.
OK, now that I've typed a long incoherent novel, I hope it helps some! And good luck with your journey.
NAYPOOIE 1/16/08 2:54 P
Lonely is a bad feeling, don't let it hold you down. Sparkpeople is a good place to learn to be good to yourself and get support whatever your difficulties are.
1DAISY 1/14/08 12:57 P
jonmchris...i can appreciate your "devils advocate" post to my situation:)that is another perspective that i will think about - have had many insights brought to my attention -thanks-am willing to perhaps say that i may have been a little(smidgen) selfish and am willing to admit its not always about me ! ( but again- sometimes when you are in bed it is suppose to be about me !) am only saying this out of frustration....again thanks for the insight...
JONMCHRIS 1/14/08 2:17 A
Just to play devils advocate here a bit, and not to belittle your very real complaints but perhaps you are too adversarial about affection? You said you confronted him. Some men seem to deal with confrontation by just throwing up a wall and letting the storm beat down upon it.
You also said, "..i always tell him that another man would love to be showered with affection/love/sex like he gets" That comes across like your love is a commodity. You shower him with sex and affection and now it is his time to pay up. It just can't work that way. Love really can only be given, and when it works the other person gives it back. If he doesn't, well...then you decide if it is worth staying or not.
TORPEDO 1/14/08 1:01 A
I too have a similar problem. I finally just backed off.
Now she's warmed up a little, but I'd like a girl like you.
DAVIDMAC1 1/13/08 4:15 P
Hello 1Daisy, I completely understand your frustration-your husband's behavior is nearlly identical to my wifes! Please realize that merely loosing weight may not solve the relational difficulties-so don't try to punish yourself in the future by regaining weight and returning to an unhealthy lifestyle if he fails to respond as you would like after losing weight-lose weight because it is the right thing to do for you.Your own personal heartbreak and pain can be healed but not by food or the lack thereof.If you and your husband can meet with a marriage counselor your relationship may improve- help is available in many communities and through some churches and synagogues-I would suggest seeking out a true professional counselor.If he refuses counseling then just keep on plugging away-he just may wake up as he watches your confidence and personal strenght grow.I wish you the best and hope that soon you will no longer be lonely.
1DAISY 1/13/08 2:44 P
short story is: am feeling lonely within my marriage and when confronting dear husband about my wants/needs all i get is "maybe you should leave"-- i truly know he doesn't mean those words- just a man's way of communicating i guess- (or just this man's )i can relate to the women out there that are always want "more" from their men- ( i feel i have been the one to initiate the most in the bedroom)am finding it frustrating on top of trying to stay focused and motivated to loose weight and dealing with the feeling of being "alone"...i always tell him that another man would love to be showered with affection/love/sex like he gets( but i never seem to get it back as good as i give)....am hoping that once i loose the weight this won;t be an issue...lonely
