Man Toby, I thought I was the only one doing the "after actions report" in my head, making mental notes for future missions. Actually, my big problem right now is that my wife and I are having problems having children. At first we thought it might be something with her, as her cycle wasn't "normal", so we couldn't time anything. Now she's seen a doctor for that and got that under control, and things still haven't happened. Guess who's turn it was??? So, I get myself checked, at least it was a female doctor so, after checking the "boys", "poking the pooper"(prostate check), and giving me a cup to take home and bring back a specimine, we find out my count is low. So, then she wanted to check my hormone levels, so I get stuck with the needle and now find I have low testosterone, but other levels were normal. This confused her, as one(forget which one)should have been higher trying to boost testosterone, and it wasn't. So, again, I got stuck with the needle again, to have another level checked. If this one is messed up, then they want to do an MRI and see if my ptuitary(sp) gland is OK and doesn't have a tumor or something. Here's the funny thing. If that level is OK, my wife and I will be taking the same medication to try and help this happen! The same med that helps her ovulate is supposed to also boost sperm count in men. Weird
KSIGMA1222 11/8/07 9:31 P
It is your pelvis that will be the problem, I forgot I had one! My wife liked to start off on top so she could go at her own pace, fine. Now she will not because she says she gets bruised by hitting my pelvis, so this leaves her not so excited about sex anymore. I want her to be happy and want to have sex, it will take time for us to figure this and other things out. Just this is the opposite of what I thought would happen when I lost all this weight and it kinda bites.
GRFUNKBROTHERS 11/8/07 9:13 P
KSIGMA1222, I often wonder if I might not end up in a similar scenario. My wife is trying to lose weight as well and when talking about our goals, if I mention working towards a six pack or something like that she tells me that I'll be too skinny. Hopefully she'll learn to get use to the changes as they come and hopefully your wife will do the same. Part of marriage is growing together.
KSIGMA1222 11/8/07 10:09 A
I've lost quite a bit of weight and the number one question I get asked is "What does your wife think?". I normally say "She is fine with it." Really what she thinks is one: "when are you going to stop losing weight so I can start?" (She said this to me a couple of weeks back) and 2: You are to boney now for sex to be comfortable and the way I was used to it. So everytime someone asks me how my wife feels about my weight loss this is really what is going through my head and it doesn't leave me feeling all warm and fuzzy on the inside. I just needed to say this somewhere and somehow to get it off my chest. Thanks!
Can someone tell me how to post without it being a reply or creating a new topic?
TOBOBEAR 11/7/07 11:17 A
What is pretty sad/funny is I end up using my degrees in science to rationalize my dating attitude.
I treat most as experiments, when something goes right I note it as something to do in the future, when something goes wrong, I know not to do it again. I don't worry about the ones that went wrong, I just take the information I have and try to assimilate it into my dynamic thought processes of what to do.
So if something fails with one woman, I just note to myself what I think went wrong and move on to the next woman more knowledgeable than I was before.
So it isn't so much "what a loser I am", it is "what did I do, what went wrong, how can I correct it in the future, lets get on to the future". I don't have to repeat mistakes, I can learn from whole new mistakes in the next relationship.
It is almost nerdy...I end up doing "after action reports" to analyse the relationship.
Good Luck
Toby
TARHEEL6 11/3/07 10:23 A
this is my take on the relationship thing its like fishing keep puting your line in the water and sooner or later you willl get a bite its a small town kinda of thinken but it works
RUSS1985 10/19/07 5:02 P
Like Toby said, the relationship failed, not you. This guy's not right for you. The next guy might be. Just remember to remember to "Do you" be yourself. Good luck
TOBOBEAR 10/15/07 4:56 P
trying to figure out exactly what you want in a relationship is difficult.
It isn't a problem to experiment with relationships and have them fail, until you find the perfect one.
I bent to the whims of a bad marriage for too many years, now I am happy with myself and secure in the knowledge that I have a better idea of what to look for.
Keep in mind the relationship is a failure, you aren't.
Good Luck
Toby
YASMIINE 10/15/07 1:54 P
lol, i'm afraid it's doomed... i'm only mad at myself for being so naive.. :) but that's for your advise, toby, truly.
i just mentioned him because all of my relationships with guys are like this.. i must be really bad at relationships lol..
TOBOBEAR 10/15/07 11:19 A
Sounds like he isn't willing to compromise.
If you are willing to totally bend to his ways, you will have the current relationship with him. If he is willing to compromise, you might get the relationship he promised. If you aren't willing to totally submit to his selfishness, and he isn't willing to compromise, this relationship may be doomed.
I wish you luck, may you find, or may he become the man of your dreams.
Toby
YASMIINE 10/15/07 7:51 A
well, i have talked to him. about both things.
Even before we got together for real, i expressed concern it would be like *this* or *this*. and he reassured me, but nothing happened.
And well, i've tried to tell him it's not about what he does wrong, it's about what i want. and we just have different ways of expressing and thinking of sex. But it always end with him, while recognizing that, makes it out to be me that should adjust myself to how he thinks about it..
and the worst part is that the reason why he don't want me to tell him to do anything, is that it wouldn't be 'real' if we hcanged anything. But he don't see that I wouldn't be real if i had to change this :(... just don't enter his mind.
TOBOBEAR 10/14/07 11:32 P
Sounds like you need to have a discussion with your current boyfriend, outside the bedroom. This one can cover the rest of the relationship, or the lack of other aspects of a relationship.
The issues seem to be much deeper.
As far as inside the bedroom, I suggest having a discussion stating to the effect "you don't care, or know what other women want, but you know what you want and here is what it is" and then state a laundry list. Better to have that discussion outside the bedroom also, in the heat of the moment it could come off as more pressure than you intended. Basically you can offer it as a trade-off; he rocks your world, you will rock his.
You must really consider how much you want to subjugate yourself to his selfish desires that ignore your needs. Eventually you will feel very undervalued, stand up for what you want, sooner or later you will need to.
Good Luck
Toby
YASMIINE 10/14/07 5:44 A
thanks for the lesson toby. i've never criticized them, and not at all ridiculed.
yet i think it is very much insecurities. most that i've been with took it like they where doing something wrong, or it wasn't good enough, if i just wanted something else. like one of my exes. he asked me straight out if i didn't enjoy to kiss him.. and i said that he was perhaps doing it 'alittle' too much.. i like it, but i was just being honest.. for there on that's all he talked about! he pouted like crazy, talked about it like it was a big problem, like i didn't love him. it was winter and he sat down on the pavement in the middle on the city, trying to look hurt!
and the one i'm currently kinda with. He's trying to make me stop even hinting that i'd want him to do this or that.. he says he don't believe in it. and i'm treating it like there's a correct and a wrong way to do it.. and i don't but if it's my birthday and i want a massage can't i ask? or if i realyl don't enjoy what he's doing and it's ruining the mood, arn't i allowed to kind of lead him elsewhere..? he get's so insecure about it, and says i'm turning him off going on like that... i'm not going on with anything, i'm just being myself... I really did not excpect him to be this frail.. he is really industrious. and confident.
So i do as he says, even if i don't understand the logic. well, anyway he's not good for me. Alot of things i feel decieved about. i feel like he promised me a relationship when all that happened was sex...
lol, thanks for listening to the rant.. :)
TOBOBEAR 10/14/07 12:30 A
Yasmine...A woman who is confident is very fun to be with...A woman who just kind of lays there is soooo not fun.
As to what went wrong when you gave expression to your desires and wants......I can't give much advice on what went wrong, because I wasn't there and have no idea.
I can speculate it falls into three possible problems: non-mutual kink, inexperience on the guys part, and/or hurt egos.
The first is pretty straightforward, if you request something that he is against or has aversion to (even aversion simply from inexperience) then there can be a problem. To deal with this, have a discussion and find out is the activity a definite deal breaker, or is it a negotiable thing where he would be interested in it under different conditions.
Inexperience is not as easily solved, but the naivete can be dealt with. If it simply is something he has never done before or is unsure about treat it like you are training a puppy...give simple instructions...reward any sucesses...and be kind with mistakes.
The last egos. A few poorly placed words can crush an ego permanently. This one is hard to repair once the damage is done. If you tread softly around egos you might be able to cajole him into actions that please you. If he thinks he is great at an activity...but he is only so-so then encourage and guide. If he can't take guidance...look for a new boyfriend he is way to set in his ways to change. If you ridicule, insult, or overly criticize don't ever expect him to cooperate on that activity again. Pump up his ego with any successes and he will work hard in the future.
Good Luck
Toby
YASMIINE 10/13/07 6:29 P
ahh, i get so confused every time a guy says that men likes someone who knows what she wants, especially in the bedroom.
i was naturally like this.. knew what i wanted, adn wanted it. I have never ever gotten a positive response when trying to give expression for it.. :( actually it's been a source of conflict.
perhaps i was letting him know in the wrong way.. but, ahh i'm just confused.. :(
Men are far more confusing than women!
RUSS1985 9/19/07 12:31 P
Congrats on 10 years tomorrow. That takes some doing.
Getting his head around going to a sex shop with his wife may take a while, especially if he isn't apt to go himself. Using a service like wantedlist may be a good idea. I'll have to look it up after I get home from work.
My wife and I revamped our sex life recently. With four kids pulling you every which way that part of our lives got left behind. We decided we needed that part back because without it, we had pretty much become roommates more than a married couple. What worked for our marriage is we just made an effort to play with each other more.
Also, we started talking about what we wanted to do more and incorporated it into what we brought to the bedroom. So, if he's shy about it, just talk to him in a way where he doesn't feel kind of put on the spot.
TOBOBEAR 9/19/07 11:55 A
Wired Magazine ran an article on a company that was a netflix for porn.
wantedlist.com
Basically it is like netflix, pick the DVDs, they ship them to you, you return them whenever and you pay a monthly membership for so many movies at a time.
This will allow you to pick a few DVDs to start and then browse the movies at home with your hubby (not much embarrassment for him).
It looks like you will have to initiate anything since he is so reserved.
Good Luck
Toby
VIC2006 9/19/07 10:40 A
Omg, the sex shop lol. Our last trip to the sex shop was one i will never forget lol. He ended up walking out on me hahahaha. I kept asking him if there was anything he was interested in, all i got from him was " well, whatever hun". I started asking questions about all kinds of things and he got all embarassed and left lol. He is sooooooo shy. It is our 10 yr anniversary tomorrow, i was hoping to really spice things up. I am going to check into one of those videos. Thanks Toby.
TOBOBEAR 9/18/07 12:02 P
Since he is reserved and may or may not be open to something and you don't want to freak him out. You might want to get a DVD or video to watch with him.
If he won't talk about much, you will have to watch his body language carefully when topics come up.
If he is unable to go with you to pick it out, you could pick up a "survey" type video that has many scenes that touch on many activities. I don't know of any particular titles but there are videos that are basically encyclopedias of activities. Then you watch the video and see his reaction to various scenes. If he gets excited about a topic, great you have a lead, if he gets turned off about a topic you can fast forward.
If you can get him into a sex shop, browse with him and see what interests him.
You could try to get him into a sex shop with video booths and then channel surf until he finds something he likes.
If you can't get him to discuss thing openly, you will have to read his body language so watch his reactions carefully.
Once you find something he is interested in (and you are interested also) approach him as if "you want to try it, and will he go along". This allows him to hide his interest behind a veil of going along with you.
I have used the above techniques with some women and it has been successful in opening up new experiences.
Good Luck
Toby
VIC2006 9/18/07 9:15 A
Thanks for the insight guys. Toby, you hit it on the head with the womens magazines. I read one once and walked away thinking "easy for you to say, your rail thin". I have since let that insecurity go. I know i will never be that thin, nor do i want to be. It doesnt look healthy to me. Ronin, variety is a good thing, i agree. My husband is so "reserved", so to speak so spicing it up is rather scary for me. I dont want him to get offended by anything. I am more open to new things to him. Thats why i was asking you guys what you all like. This way i have lots of ideas before i test the waters.
RONIN672 9/18/07 2:34 A
Variety is the spice of life, be it recreation, exercise, or in the bedroom. The same old thing get's boring after a while. You kinda feel like you're stuck in a loop if you always do the same things. Most guys have a few things that are universal, while some guys have tastes that go well beyond what some would even think of, then again, some are happy with the "ho-hum" "vanilla" kinda thing. Experiment, find what is fun and fulfilling for the both of you. Don't be afraid to try something new, if it isn't what both of you were wanting, skip to something else.
TOBOBEAR 9/18/07 12:57 A
what do guys want..............hmmm.........
How about a secure woman who knows what she wants.
I am sorry but I have had a string of women who are not secure in themselves and are thus constantly looking for positive reinforcement and then critiquing any positive statement.
A woman who is comfortable with herself and is able to relax and be herself is so much better than a woman who is unsure of herself. In a nutshell, if a woman is so ashamed of her body that she doesn't want to be naked, except in complete darkness, that is a serious turn-off.
I have been with women who were totally sexy, they may have been heavier than me, but they were proud of their body and not ashamed.
A woman who knows what she wants is soooo much better than someone who has no clue.
I think of slackers who sit on the couch watching re-runs of old TV shows every weekend asking each other "I don't know what to do, what do you wanna do?" all afternoon while watching the same old re-runs since they can't come up with anything better to do. A woman who knows what she wants and is willing to ask (or initiate) it is much better. I would happily trade a hot but clueless 20-something for a mediocre 40 something who knows what she wants. I don't want any women who just lay there saying "do something to me". Give a guy a clue to what you are interested in, or experiment to find out what you like.
Just give me a woman who is secure and knows what she wants, it is all I ask.
I suspect that magazines like cosmo end up having the opposite effect on women...they make them self-conscious and unsure about what they want. Too much comparison to airbrushed models and too many conflicting pieces of advice to leave a woman confused about what she "should" want instead of letting her figure out what she really "does" want.
Sex is a lot of what happens in the mind and a woman who has her mind together can get everything else together.
That is my humble opinion.
Toby
RUSS1985 9/14/07 12:57 P
What guys want. Now, that's pretty varied, like Golfpro said. I honestly can't say what as far as techniques we universally like and I'm afraid of having the moderators coming in to lay a smack down on me.
However being spontaneous about it can be kind of fun. I believe in "playing" outside of bed as much as I can. You may just want to meet him at the door, give him a huge kiss get him all hot and bothered and walk away. See him doing something around the house, grab him from behind and tell him how "good he smells" or "hot he looks" and walk away again. Keep him guessing. Pretty soon he's going to want to return the favor.
I like Mens Health because they put it in terms guys can get quickly. Hey, guys NEED hints sometimes. And it's full of hints. There's even articles this month on various meals to cook in order to seduce women. I smell a date at home with my wife sometime soon.
On the women's side, I know that Men's Health does a lot of work with Cosmo. My wife's read it from time to time but I don't think it's anywhere as detailed as mens health. I could be wrong though.
GOLFPRO 9/13/07 8:58 P
There is no question that different guys like different things, just like women. You can always come straight out and ask your man exactly what he's looking for. Otherwise, my best advice, many men like variety. I'm not talking variety in the sense of other women. I mean they like to change things up, new stuff, new positions, new toys, videos, dirty talk, anything you haven't done the past has a chance of really spicing things up. Obviously there may be some things your man may not like. But the majority of men appreciate the change and excitement of something new.
VIC2006 9/13/07 2:57 P
Ok guys, i was on another thread that made mention of a certain website for mens health that has articles about sex and relationships. Being as curious as i am, i went and checked this out. The first thing i see on the site is headlines like "Give her Multiple Orgasms" and "Surprising foods that will boost your (and her) bedroom performance". (yes i read them, curiousity killed the cat lol). Now, i went to the corresponding womens site to see if i could get the same sort of information. NOT A CHANCE! I found headlines like "Hormones and Aging", "Vaginal Dryness","Is hormone therapy right for you" and "Liven Up Libido". I read the libido one and all it talked about was hormone therapy for increasing a womens libido. BORING!! You men get all the good stuff.
What i am getting at is this.... What is it exactly you men need or look for in the bedroom? We women do not have magazine articles like that to give us the helpful little hints like yours do. So i am asking you. I want the info straight from the horses mouth.
I have to say, articles on that mens health website... very very interesting.
so, after checking the "boys", "poking the pooper"(prostate check), and giving me a cup to take home and bring back a specimine, we find out my count is low. So, then she wanted to check my hormone levels, so I get stuck with the needle and now find I have low testosterone, but other levels were normal. This confused her, as one(forget which one)should have been higher trying to boost testosterone, and it wasn't.
