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| That's too bad. They can be the best motivators that you have. Too bad you don't take adavantage of that. Really builds the relationship.
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WESTARR61205
11/24/07 9:14 A
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| My old lady wants to be near me and when i workout, run on the machine next to me, talk, o i love you. I focus on what im doing. So nope not allowed.
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DICKENSLOU
11/24/07 7:34 A
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| My wife is the main reason I exercise. If I quit so will she.
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| My wife and I are at the gym 6 days a week together. It gives us something we have in common to do together. We have a lot of other things in common but this is one of the best things.
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MRHORTON82
11/21/07 2:32 P
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I have assured her repeatedly that I am not judging her, only myself. It's her job to decide how she should make herself feel good, not mine. The only thing that bugs me is that she'll say, "I'm so fat and ugly, and I can't see how you're attracted to me," and when I try to tell her otherwise, she coldly tells me I'm wrong. At the same time, she does nothing about it.
I look at her and see someone who once proudly referred to herself as "chubby" as if to say, "This is who I am, and screw you if you can't understand it." Guys have hit on her on several occasions while she's been with me. She takes very good care of herself.
Then she did a virtual 180 and started calling herself "fat" and "ugly" and saying that no one could be attracted to her. It's hard to relate to her that I don't think that of her, especially when I look at myself and see someone who is ugly and unattractive as well.
Maybe if she sees me looking better, younger, and more energetic (and less grumpy,) she will get some ideas.
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ASPENJULES
11/21/07 12:18 P
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Once again, I agree with Bill (drtbk4ever).
It is a very common dynamic that when both partners are heavy, and one starts to work on changing that, the other partner often sabotages that effort, whether consciously or subconsciously. Such change can be a very frightening thing because it throws the static partner's world into a sort of jeopardy. A negative status quo feels safer than an unknown change.
So, let me first say... keep up with your efforts to lose weight and get healthy. While we all want our spouses to be right on board with us, we have to make the choices that will make and keep us healthy, no matter what they choose. Come here for the support and encouragement you are not getting at home. You are doing great to be running! (I only just started, after losing about 50 pounds first!)
Secondly, even though it may feel like you are beating your head against the wall, CONTINUE to tell, remind, reassure your wife that you love her, that you are not judging or condemning her (and then try hard not to, LOL!). Let her know that her comments like the 'eating disorder' one bother you and make you sad, but that you are doing what you need to to be healthy. Try as hard as you can not to let her comments push your buttons, because that won't help at all. It may seem like you're not getting anywhere with her, but you might be surprised. My husband has told me for years and years how much he loves me, and I always had a hard time really believing it because I just didn't feel 'worthy' of such love. Just through sheer repetition of him saying it, coupled with actions that supported his statements, I slowly came to believe that he really meant it. And finally, because of that, I am coming to accept that I really am deserving of such love. So don't get discouraged. She might come around.
And if it makes you feel any better, even my personal trainer has a little of the same problem with his own wife... he's just starting to have some success in getting her to cook healthier things for their family to eat. Next he'll work on getting her back into exercising.
If you can get through these things, you may be surprised at the consensus you can begin to reach on the other things, like child rearing. So don't be discouraged... there is still hope.
Best of luck to you. Please do stay in touch.
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DRTBK4EVER
11/21/07 11:19 A
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Mr Horton,
Wow, I don't really know what to say.
From what you said in your post it seems your wife's issues run deep. Without being through that myself, I have very little insight to bring forth. I still believe that if you can continue on your path, there is still the chance that your wife will "get on board". Those are the positive thoughts you must carry with you. The alternatives are not an option.
I am very new to SP, but your post CLEARLY demonstrates to me the value of this website. The support you get from here can be priceless.
So I hope the things you learn from my post are:
I APPLAUD YOUR EFFORTS. You have started a journey that I hope you continue on regardless of the difficulties you may encounter.
I WILL SUPPORT YOU IN ANY WAY I CAN. I believe your story will be a success story and I find that inspiring.
Please stay in touch.
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MRHORTON82
11/21/07 9:06 A
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The dynamic is this - we've both always been heavy, and neither of us has had a problem with the other's appearance, just our own. She's taken small steps, and I've taken greater ones (I am a lot stricter with my diet, I eat breakfast every day at work, and I have started running.)
We talk a lot about having kids one day, and there's nothing but unsettling disagreement with regard to raising kids. An emphasis on health is just a new wrinkle to that.
Friday night, we went out to dinner. She ordered a chicken sandwich with fries and got dessert. I ordered a large salad and skipped dessert. She actually accused me of having an "eating disorder" and staring daggers at her for eating fries and dessert (I wasn't.) I wasn't feeling well, so I didn't want a big meal, and I thought she was making a federal case out of me eating light because of that (not sure if she was.)
It's not just a gym mmebership. It's not just exercise. It's everything. She's resigned herself to an early death because of her health problems, and I have to wonder if she's trying to drag me into an early grave with her. It's as if she'd rather destroy me than help herself.
I'm just going off the deep end a bit here, but it's frustrating to try to improve myself when I have far more support from my mother-in-law than my own wife.
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ASPENJULES
11/20/07 12:17 P
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I agree with drtbk4ever. As she sees you changing, she is being faced with her own need to change, and she may not be ready for that.
As hard as it may be with the conflict you are having, reassure her by your actions that you still love her, whether or not she joins you right now, and that you are changing because you are ready to, and you want to be the best you can for her.
Help her to see that as *you* feel better, *she* reaps the benefits as well. Hopefully her defensiveness will begin to ease, as well as her opposition to your going to a gym. And eventually, hopefully, she will begin to want to make changes as well. Just be sure to let her make them on her schedule... when she's ready. That's the only real way it will work.
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DRTBK4EVER
11/20/07 11:22 A
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MrHorton, That is an interesting dynamic you and your wife have.
My take is that she is insecure and is concerned that this journey you are on will leave her behind.
The most important thing you can do is to reassure her that you are doing this not only for yourself, but for her too. Work on that and I'll bet she comes around to being supportive.
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MRHORTON82
11/19/07 10:40 A
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Part of it is cost. Part of it is that she absolutely will not join a gym and will not go on any exercise program. We have gotten into fights about this, and she's completely unsupportive. Part of it is jealousy (though the typical gym trainer is not my type at all) and part of it is that she thinks I am attacking her personally (she is also heavy like me, though that has nothing to do with my desire to get in shape.)
Another part is that I want to lose far more weight than she wants me to lose. If she had it her way, I would stop exercising immediately and stay at my current weight.
I have asked myself a lot of times how this is going to affect my marriage. At this point, I don't know.
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ASPENJULES
11/16/07 4:55 P
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| Do you think she's jealous of all those 'sexy gym babes'? or is it just something mundane like the cost?
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MRHORTON82
11/16/07 1:29 P
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I work out on my own. My wife is eating healthier and watching her intake, but she's just not into the workout idea. She's even fighting me tooth-and-nail over my own desire to join a gym (we live in Ohio, which has miserable weater ten months of the year and completely intolerable weather for about four or so of those months, so working out on my own with no exercise equipment and no indoor track anywhere near home is sometimes out of the question.)
She's really cool with most things, but the idea of me at a gym just seems to make her blood boil, and it's a major point of contention with her.
It's not eactly going to stop me, though - we work different hours, so I will just go when she's at work.
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DADX4STL
11/15/07 11:58 A
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| We try to work out together when we can, but it isn't often since we have kids and take turns watching them. We do walk together as a family and that is nice.
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CRAIGEMOEN
11/15/07 12:11 A
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| A man after my own heart. We rest our case.
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ASPENJULES
11/14/07 11:07 P
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| LOL Craig, my hubby said that *THAT* was a secret weightloss tool, everytime we did *that* exercise I usually lost a pound the next weigh-in (and I weigh daily!). He said it was a sacrifice, but that he was willing to do his part toward my weight loss goals. *snerk*
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CRAIGEMOEN
11/14/07 7:22 P
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| My wife generally likes aerobic exercise DVD's and I like to hike outside. Once or twice a week I can get her to walk with me. We DO get as much intimate "exercise" as possible, which is one of the best ways to go!
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KATIEBUGGLES
11/12/07 7:04 P
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| I like going on walks and stuff with my boyfriend, but actually working out I would rather do on my own. I like to do my more difficult exercises when he is out of the house. :P It's just I feel like it would be kind of embarassing to be all sweaty and gross and I'm not in very good shape yet. Working on that though :). That could be a reason that some people don't want to exercise with thier signifigant others, could be just me being insecure though ;P
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GRFUNKBROTHERS
11/4/07 2:03 P
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| My wife and I usually go to the gym together. We may not be on the same machines or going the same pace, but it's something we're both working on for ourselves and for each other. Now every once and a while the topic of attending classes comes up and I'm just not all that excited about Pilates or yoga, but at least we're both getting ourselves to the gym.
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| ive tried to workout with my wife but she is not in to it so im all alone
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| Currently my wife and I have conflicted work schedules. So we now get up the morning together and exercise. We're able to motivate each other and spend a little time together. Its been very nice.
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| Dickenslou, how by running away from her? Only kidding!
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DICKENSLOU
10/30/07 7:57 P
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| my wife is the reason I started exercising
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SPCBBROWN
10/29/07 6:24 P
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| My wife and I started walking together for 1 hour. The 1 hr walk turned into a run one night, then the gym a couple of days later. This past weekend we hit the gym and burned 1000 calories together! We were both pumped and are pretty excited about the progress. Next step is to enter a 5k together.
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ASPENJULES
10/29/07 3:13 A
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| Good for both of you, TA2DSHTRBUG... I hope you return the favor for her sometimes!
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TA2DSHTRBUG
10/28/07 6:45 P
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| I try to workout with my wife as much as possible. This is a journey we are both on so it only makes sense we should do it together. We do things from hitting the weight room to mixed martial arts workouts to just walking with the kids. Some days if she wasn't there pushing me I seriously doubt I'd get up and do it.
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MICKEYMETS
10/15/07 12:16 P
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that's awesome, bob! nice work.
i finally got my fiancee to join my gym - she used to belong to the much more expensive, less worthwhile gym, but i converted her to the ways of the Y. and got a nice sweatshirt coming to me in the deal!
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| Congratulations Bob! Huge milestone HUGE That's sure is quality time
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ASPENJULES
10/12/07 1:21 A
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Congratulations, Bob!! That's really wonderful!
Unfortunately my hubby hasn't been able to be working out as he had to have emergency surgery 4 weeks ago that he is still recovering from. It's all he can do just to get through a day at work.
Someday soon though, I hope. He's certainly sounding like he wishes he could... 'course that could just be because he's wishing he was feeling better.
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| I wanted to share this with this forum. Since my last post on this board my wife has been exercising! I sent her an e-mail with an article from SP about beginning runners, or something like that, several weeks ago. It eases a person into running by walking 4 min and running 1 min for 20 min. It gradually increases the run time and decreases the walk time. Anyway, she's doing it!!! Yeeeeaaahhhh!!! We signed up to do a 5k together this weekend. I do believe she is hooked. This is what I've been praying for. Anyway, just wanted to share some of my joy.
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ASPENJULES
8/20/07 4:25 P
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such as.....???
I am idea poor, truly... though I think I get the gist of what you're saying...
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| Just keep working on him without the nagging and he’ll come around.You could always make him an offer he will not refuse.
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ASPENJULES
8/19/07 5:23 P
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Hubby is starting to make sounds like he may be about ready to begin  working out! 
I don't even care if we don't work out together... though that could be interesting... LOL.
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| We have tried that before, but it never seemed to work out. We do eat similar diets, because I do all of the cooking. We walk or hike on occassion, but I am much more of an outdoorsy person than what she is.
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MICKEYMETS
8/16/07 2:05 P
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| we both work out, but at different gyms (mine's cheaper and better). she might come join my gym when her contract is up at the other one, but she really likes the trainer she's working with over there. other than that, we sometimes go on walks together, but that's about it.
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ASPENJULES
8/15/07 8:23 P
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LOLOL - I DO!!
Something about weight lifting revs my engine, I tell you! The biggest problem with that is that I lift weights with a trainer while hubby is at work... O.O
hehehe - he's gotten quite a few.. ummm... shall I say 'disturbing?' phone calls from me after a workout, ROFL!
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We weight lift together. I am kind of her trainer. I have been Showing her all the different exercises and explaining what they are targeting.
It can be quiet hot at times if you know what I mean.
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| For the longest time i couldnt get my husband to workout with me. I couldnt even get him up to go for a walk after dinner. He suddenly took an interest in golf so i jumped at that chance as it being something that we could do together that would be considered exercise. Turns out we both love to golf and we go as often as we can. Other then golfing days, im solo on the exercise wagon. But hey its a start. Now just to find a winter sport he would be interested in that i could join him with. Im open to anything as long as we can do it together.
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ASPENJULES
8/13/07 9:52 A
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I guess it's just something our spouses have to come to on their own?
Bob, that'd be a good way to handle it though - go walking with her during your cool down from your real workout.
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| I'm always encouraging my wife to exercise and even ask her to go for walks after I've went for a run. Unfortunately, most of the time her answer is no; too busy, knee hurts, etc. I pray every day that she would get motivated to exercise and try to lose weight.
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ASPENJULES
8/12/07 7:21 P
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Here's a wife's perspective. I work out, but can't get the hubby to go to the gym with me. Hopefully this fall when both kids are gone to college he'll start.
We can't do walking together just yet because I walk too slow to get his HR up. However, as I've started running a bit on the treadmill maybe that'd work, LOL! But he doesn't like to just 'walk nowhere in particular' so taking walks still probably won't work.
We do like to hike together, but again - I'm much slower than him so far so... still not much of a workout for him, I'm afraid.
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I work out, she doesn't.
Even if we went hiking the pace would be too slow for me anyway, same for walking.
Maybe someday she'll want to work out, but until then, I'm solo.
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| We are going to start walking together and hopefully go to the gym to gether but it is hard to get that started when you have sat around for so long. That rut is hard to get out of
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| Yep, we joined a gym together and usually workout side by side on the elliptical machine. On the weekends we enjoy mtn biking and hiking. We encourage each other by exercising together.
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My wife and I enjoy playing paintball together. Not this hide and seek, sniper, woodsball stuff. We play Speedball, tournament style play you see on TV. I play for a local team, and she has started practicing with us, in hopes of getting a spot either in the end of this season or for next season.
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| We hit the gym on our own. Otherwise, we do TaeKwonDo and Mountain biking together, and sometimes hiking, walking, etc.
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I work out quite often with my wife. Especially on strength training days. I can use her to spot me on some of the excercises.
Cardio at the gym is generally separate. She teaches water aerobics when I'm at work. But we do some together.
I think it is great time spent together and I do not have any other regular workout buddies, my friends all go to a different gym and/or are on different schedules.
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BOUTROUS23
8/1/07 10:30 A
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| Do any of you exercise or do any physical activites with your wife? Walking, running, or biking?
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