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LISA_IN_CA
3/22/07 3:58 P
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Candi,
Let him wine and dine you if you are not sure of his intentions and I can tell by your hestitancy that you know he is not good for you or for your best interest.
One of the hardest parts of a relationship ending is the break up .. you have gone through that, and are re-established. Dont let him come back and strt rocking the boat again. YOu owe it to yourself and kids : )
He has a lot of growing up to do .. and you have better things to do with your energy than lend a hand .. because quite honestly I dont feel he even thinks of himself as needing to grow up .. so it will take so long for him to get with being a true man.
Ditch him, love yourself and kids. A better man will come around *trust me*
*hugs* hang in there and message me any time
Lisa
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Candi, four words:
Run. Like. The. Wind.
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If he is getting clean is one thing, but it gets just half. I've seen people ditch the druggie, and then find another just like them to take their place, and do it time and time again. I did. Counseling either with or without him may help. Getting healthy in Sparkpeople and getting yourself to a place where you know that you deserve and want to get good people in your life is the other part.
Nar-Anon or Al-Anon may help, too.
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MS Candi,
I know it is easy to give advice when we are not in your shoes.
Cosider that many people grew up without boundries. They get away with anything. They try everything and then wriggle back into good graces. WRONG!
It is very good to develop boundries, then enforce them. I'm not saying, Don't have compassion. I am saying, benefit them in learning about boundries and consequences. I'm also saying, like yourself enough to count in the equation. You are important. It is not selfish (bad).
If you were not previously connected with him, would you startup with someone who did what he did?
If the reason to consider it is the children, then is re-connecting healthy for the children?
Based on what is written, It sounds like you should avoid him. ... but then we are not living in your shoes.
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Yep, that is why I left, my son is now old enough to know what is going on and I had to decide if I wanted him to think he can cheat and lie to woman and they will except that or that when a man cheats and lies there is consequences like "he" may get left. It is so much harder when kids are involved. I hope anyone going through the same thing (leaving a spouse or being left by one) with kids will take a minute to think that our kids are someday going to be little men or little woman and what we set as an example may effect their lives also. eg. if I was to stay with someone who lies and cheats I am saying to my son....you can lie and cheat and get away with it. If I had a daughter I would be saying... if your husband cheats and lies you should stay with him and put up with it. So regardless of what sex your child is putting up with a behavior you wouldn't wish upon them in a future relationship is crazy! Whether that be cheating, lies, mental/physical abuse, even laziness....my husband would never pull himself away from the TV to have a dinner with us...I did not wnat my son thinking that was okay either. I want him to know that "family" time is important, I want him to have a happy healthy relationship when he grows up.
Sure as a single parent we may have to struggle and scrape by, and sometimes we think it would be so much easier if we stayed or took back the men that cause us grief as than we would have that extra paycheck... but by being on our own we are showing our children we are strong and teaching them a better way of life by doing so.
Tammy
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Tammy,
I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like he's one steaming pile and not worth the time to be around. Try to see that if he's out of your son's life that he stays out of your son's life as much as possible. The only thing he'd be able to teach your son is how to be like him and who wants that really?
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"Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong--sometimes it's letting go”
Just like to add my two cents here.....I was married for 13 years....to a liar and a cheater! He left me and our son to go live with another woman, he left us with "no money" (I wasn't working, I was a stay at home mom). He was VERY selfish, yet I took him back becuase he whined and begged and promised he would change. Well, 3 years later (January 22nd, 07) womans intuition told me he is doing it again....this time I packed up my son, and our dogs and I was gone, I left him with EVERYTHING right down to the silverware! At first he tried to deny he was cheating, but the truth finally came out...he is now living with the "other" woman. No, your man may not be this big of a dog, BUT I did see in your post QUOTE: "he was singin the same ole song..." Right there it tells me you have heard this all before!! All I can say is listen to your inner voice, your womans intuition....mine has NEVER been wrong yet. Had I never took the man back, I would still have all my furniture,which was recently purchased for around $10,000.00, but now I am SOL he said he sold it all for $800.00....I am sure him and his new woman are enjoying it thoroughly...but I can't prove it...sigh. I am now renting a room from a friend and sleeping on airmatrresses....sometimes it is better for them to just stay gone! BTW even though I have to start over with nothing, I don't regreat it, the man was a selfish pig and continues to be one to this day!
Hope it all works out for you either way, Tammy
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You've got some great advice so far. My take on what you said is to keep him at arms distance until you know he's worth putting your time and love energy into again. It's one thing to leave but to leave a pregnant wife is on an entirely different level. Now, it's not just you that you have to worry about. You've got a child in the mix.
Bottom Line: You can not play the fixer for this man. If his head's not screwed on right, you don't want to spend your time, energy, money or more than three second of your child's life with this guy. If he's looking for a place to bail out and thinks you as his baby's mama will take him back then keeping him at arms length will allow you to just tell him to step if he's not there to be part of your family. If he really wants to be with you, he'll do the work to earn your trust back and you can slowly and I mean S-L-O-W-L-Y let him come back. But keep him at a distance for a while until you're sure.
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Hey Candi,
I read down the the line a little more, and girl if there is any kind of drug addiction you better reconsider. I sound's like he is looking for someone to take care of him. Instead of him being the man and taking care of his family. Please take into consideration that you and your child deserve someone who wants be a man and a father, not just someone that is comfortable to you. Once agian good luck and think with your head along with your heart.
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MSLOVLY315
3/15/07 11:07 A
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yea i hear ya and thats the MAIN thing i was telling him...Im NOT trying to put my children through that again.I also told him we cannot pick up where we left off cause its not that easy,we will have to go to counceling(something we never did)and a WHOLE lot more i said to him... but i told him this will have to go slow(IF i decide to work it out)and n the mean time he needs to be living somewhere else.
I REALLY appreciate all of your comments.
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Dear Candi,
Are you insane? Did you not get enough pain and drama the first you broke up. Don't do this to your kid, it only confuses them. You might think about running like your hair was on fire girl.Remember some men well acutally most men have this territorial thing. It's kinda like a dog in his neighborhood. He will piss on a light pole down the street and make it his. The next day he will walk right by it and not care. Then another dog will come piss on the light pole. Suddenly the first dog can't get to that pole fast enough to mark it once agian. So think carefully about your reason ( the real reason) you want to be back with this jack@$$.First and formost be totally honest with yourself.
Good luck....
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MSLOVLY315
3/15/07 10:50 A
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| yea u read that right. from what i kno SHE knows he wants to leave her and at this time he dont have no where else to live...his family does not live here... i too have been my own thing and i dont kno why i dont feel like "HELL NAW ,YOU CANT COME BACK" i still love him and if we do try to work it out i will NOT have high expectations and i told him that also,i jus dont want to get disappointed again! but im willing to give it another shot.
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LITTLE-LUEY
3/15/07 10:40 A
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Hi Candi, you said he wants you back but yet he is living with another woman? did I read correctly? if so, then he really does not want you back, if he was seriously trying to get back with you he would not be with someone else.
Be smart and don't let him fool you, I don't know what he wants but there is something fishy there.
On the other hand, you mention his drug problem, ask your self if you want your baby to grow around that, if you want to be around that. I hope it all works out for you.
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MSLOVLY315
3/15/07 12:00 A
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| VERY true!!! when i questioned him bout that, of course he was singin the same ole song...i jus dont kno whats gonna happen?and i believe his drug problem had an effect on his behavior and him leaving but now he is going to NA meetings and SEEM like he trying to mature...
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| The question that I would keep asking is why he left. What has changed? Will this be a re-run of why he couldn't stay before?
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MSLOVLY315
3/14/07 10:23 P
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| and i dont kno what to do. we been married since oct.04 and seperated in nov.05 and NOW he wants to come back...im dont kno..i mean i would like to work it out,but dispite the issues we went through before and after the marriage-if he loved me so much he wouldnt have left me in the first place!i was 5 months pregnant when he left me and a month after we split he was wit another chick!!i dont wanna feel like he gettin over on me...he currently livin wit this chick who jus turned 23 and he'll be 34 in may. any comments???
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