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| HA! There's going to be marks from where my 10 foot pole touches that one! '-)
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| Wait, wait. You guys are saying there's more to being in a relationship than sex? What are the other reasons?
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Still waiting for Jen to let us know what panned out after all the discussion.
JEN?
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| If the relationship is strong then the lack of sex and messing around can be overcome if there is good communication. If not your lost and it will end bad.
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| i gotta say, i believe that physical intimacy is as important as an emotional connection. think about it, if you wanted some physical action, and he did not want to give it to you, one of the first thoughts that might pop into your mind is, hmmm wander where he's getting it from then. i think it is very important to show your mate that you care by more than just saying it at times. there are nights i am tired and my fiance is tired, but i always make the effort, which is not too difficult for guys. but for women, it seems they are sex camels. they can have intimate relations once, and be good for a few months. guys are not like that, not even close.
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| It goes back to the desires or needs of the two in the relationship. If one leans left and the other leans right yet there's still middle ground and it all works, great. If one can't make the concession, the agree to disagree clause or isn't accepting of the other, it may be time to re-evaluate the situation. If it's "just sex" for being together, then you're right - the deeper bonds need to be there or everything will be shaky, at best.
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| There is something to be said for emotional intimacy when physical situations don't allow for much else...
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POUNDERASER
6/12/07 6:31 P
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REPLY TO TOPIC: ABOUT FOOLING AROUND GUYS
just 3 words: DON'T DO IT
(what you've got is better than what you don't have)
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Okay, so the ball has been kicked around the arena but where's JenJen? Nothing since the first couple of posts and we haven't seen an update or news.
Miss Jen?
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Sure I would date any women that only wanted sex once every couple of weeks but, she would not be the only women I dated or, had sex with. Dating is not marriage and is not a promise to be exclusive either.
I have been married for 23 years now. I WAITED EVERY TIME FOR MY WIFE TO BE READY. First after the second child, after the cancer, after she gets her Bacholer’s degree and now she is in the middle of nursing school. These things spanned over the course of 8 years.
I told her that I was a patient man and I was but, now that she is done until September I also told her I need the lover to make up for lost time and it needs to continue until September when she goes back too school. In September she’ll have to take care of things on the weekends because I am not patient any longer. She has complied and will continue to comply until either I am all set (LOL) or I’m dead.
The point here is if it is a real or serious relationship he’ll understand. Don’t keep him waiting and understand, if he is a young male we need to get down and dirty. The testosterone requires it!
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Once every couple weeks??
Unless a girl I was seeing had some sort of serious medical condition, I'd be gone.
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LISA_IN_CA
3/22/07 3:51 P
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Jen,
Do what you have to do.
It is important that you build a foundation for you to be a successful and independent woman. If this means now, in college, you need to work hard, giving it 100% of your effort and time .. so be it. Please make sure you do this.
If your boyfriend can't handle it, then he is not for you.
Don't give up the opportunity to be a woman who has worked hard, so that soon she may make choices that are for her best interest instead of having things dealt to her out of circumstance.
One way of being is empowering, the other is not.
Keep working hard! I am proud of you and know you can be a great success AND when the time is right, you will also have a relationship that best serves you .. and it will be your choice .. which is the best gift you can give yourself : )
All the best
Lisa
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| Dang, I've been married going on 11 and a half years and once a week is not the business homey! If I don't get three times a week, I'm not a happy IT guy.
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CLUBBERLANG
3/21/07 6:21 P
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| Wait till your married for 10 years, once a week would be great
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BIGPHALLUSBEAR
3/14/07 5:35 A
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fooling around is a must
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I have read all of the posts here, some have come up with great points, others I would question. The real issue here is what kind of person is your boyfriend? Is he the kind of guy that does value the intimacy as vital in the relationship or is her the kind of person who see's it as an important part of the whole picture? Only he can answer these questions. The fact that you are worried about it tends to say to me that you are feeling a little frustrated by not having time to "fool around".
I think that as a maturing adult that you need to begin to discover these things about each other. 8 months is a fairly decent amount of time to be dating exclusively and time has come to decide am I going to invest more time, energy, feelings and so on in this man. Does he want you to? do you want to?
I can't speak for your boyfreind, because I don't know him (captain obvious) but you have to by now know is he a talker? what does he respond to when you do talk to him? because honestly you have to be able to communicate these feelings to him. I am sorry to have raised so many questions when all you wanted was answers but I think that these questions really do need to be thought about before you go head long into something that may backfire!
Perhaps if your boyfriend is active as well you could try excercising together, I know this has helped my wife and I. beside excercise gives you even more energy.
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TALFUCHRE,
If I offended you by strongly disagreeing with the advice you gave a lady asking for help, I apologize. My intention was not to attack you, but to protect her. I expressed that your advice to her that if she wasn't sleeping with her boyfriend, she wasn't respecting him or validating him was nonsense. Maybe that wasn't the BEST word. I believe the advice given reflects a very selfish viewpoint that falls far short of any sense of respect for women. I find it tragic that some of us men have lost that sense of nobility that allows us to be leaders who serve others instead of people who use others. What word would you suggest as a better alternative than "nonsense"?
As for "What was once considered being a 'real man' was kicking your butt for telling another to be a 'real man' - be careful what you wish for." - Save your testosterone for the weight room. It'll be put to better use there.
If I hit too close to home, maybe a self examination would be a better use of your time than posting thinly veiled threats.
~Macman
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| ..something in a MANly MANner I'm sure!
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But what would a real manly-man's man do ??
Sorry, couldn't help myself.
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Macman,
There is a difference between disagreeing and telling others that what they have said is 'nonsense' and that they need to 'man up' and be a 'real man'.
If you disagree, cool. Just disagree and leave the ad hominem arguments at home.
What was once considered being a 'real man' was kicking your butt for telling another to be a 'real man' - be careful what you wish for.
TF
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Intimacy is an important part of a helathy relationship. All relationships suffer when stress is added to the mix. Let's face it relationships are difficult and require time, caring, understanding, etc. If your relationship is based on love and the feeling is mutual, you will get past this period. If the relationship is physical, it is suffering.
As already stated below, the foundation of all helathy relationships is commuication. If you can not comminicate openly and honestly, there no core to the relationship and it will eventually fail. If this is bothering you, it is probably bothering him, too. Talk about it.
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okay, So I am a little late coming into this discussion..I am new here and all.
when I went to school...full time(15 credits/trimester), and working a job full time (45 hrs a week), I had a family (wife & 1 kid...)
I was always tired, but made time to spend with my family...this didn't include sex...maye a little cuddling..yada, yada, yada
My wife and I were on a higher understanding of each other...you are together because you like each other.
Sex(and/or fooling around) is just another way to show you care for and understand your partner. If you truly care for one another you will respect each others boundaries and desires.
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LUCKYONE60
2/11/07 12:48 A
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I'm not a guy but if there's anything I hope you take from all of this is to communicate with your boyfriend. I wish I had learned to a lot sooner in life than I did. You have to be bold and let the chips fall where they will. You cannot force him to like you or stay with you and if you are afraid to speak up because he will leave or not like you in the same way, then you are doing yourself a grave disservice. Now is when it is good to learn to share your truth, with yourself first and then with him.
And on the other hand, having married at 42 and been very "hot" for my husband initially, those feelings have died down with stress and hormone changes. We've talked about it and I've felt very badly about it and am learnign to live with it. I don't love him any less. Sometimes I make an intellectual decision to "fool around" because I know that that is one of the ways that he feels validated. I always enjoy myself too and it brings us closer to each other.
Good luck!
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I'd have to say that I see a lot of truth in MacMan's and Sincerex13's posts. Lasting relationships are built upon communication and understanding. If this is to be a lasting relationship, you need to make sure these pathways are wide open and you understand each other.
However, I will agree there are a lot of convenient relationships in college that are more focused on the "friends with benefits" concept than on lasting relationships.
I can't tell what you are hoping for from this current boyfriend, but I guess I'm circling back to communication. If you are expecting one thing and he is expecting something else...well...it could end in a way that neither of you want.
RZ
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SINCEREX13
2/9/07 11:18 P
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I typed out something long and winded but it was just that. You two are in college. Relationships there are different then once you graduate.
He is obviously not top priority right now... to the messing around thing, it either bothers him or doesn't. If it doesn't then that means your are also not near his top priority. College dating is all about messing around, companionship can be had by the guys you live with or near 24/7.
I'd say you need to talk about it and get to the root of the problem. Just my opinion, doesn't mean I'm right, but I'm not too far removed from college and I live with three of my college roomates currently. We all dated girls in college, some still date the same girl, but the relationships were always different in school.
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OK Macman,
You're "old fashioned", but you have a pretty valid point. Jen Jen, you're in school for you. To get you BA or Graduate degree, not specifically to get your M.A.N. degree.
I'm sure if your boyfriend is in school and working he doesn't have as much time as he'd like either. Make sure you're talking to him and letting him know where he stands and make sure you fit some time for each other in when you can. College relationships are hard. Hell, relationships are hard but if you're talking through the problem areas you'll be fine.
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JENJEN09
I'm going to have to disagree with some of my fellow males here. The idea that if you are not "fooling around" with your boy friend as much means that you don't value him, and that you are not validating him in your relationship is nonsense.
Call my a little old fashioned, but I think the focus is all off here. You are in school working to earn a degree. You are working to take care of your bills and other responsibilities. You're also taking the responsibility to get/stay in shape. All of these things are bettering you. Now there is a guy in the picture who may or may not understand the fact that you are making wise choices for your life. What should you do?
Definately talk to him and share your feelings. BUT, if he cannot support you and be understanding, kick him to the curb. This isn't your husband. This is dating. There are several Billion guys in the world. You only need one.
To my fellow men, suggesting to this lady that if she is not willing to sleep with this guy somehow means she doesn't value their relationship, says more about your not valuing women than anything else. It's time for real men to man up, show some class, and start thinking with the right head for a change!
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TF has a very good Point, it's something to conside., But I do totally agree that this is something you should be talking to your boyfriend about!
Fitzy ;)
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I have nothing to add to this discussion other than what's already been said, but...
TF, that was an excellent post & completely spot on.
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I think the other people have missed the point.
Here is what I hear:
I want to be:
1) A full time worker.
2) A full time student.
3) Full time 'me'
4) a Good girlfriend.
You cannot do all these things well. Something must give. Accepting the stress is not what is conducive - any amount of conversation is not going to rectify that you are overstreched and your relationship is suffering for it (in more ways than just 'fooling around' I bet.
Here is the reality. Men find validation for thier emotions through physical means - often this means sensual activities, hanging out, making out, having sex - what have you.
You are essentially telling him, when you have fulfilled all the things that are your priorities - that he is SO low on the priority list - you are too tired to validate his emotions and his want to be with you.
Imagine it this way - women find validation for thier emotions is a more cerebral or emotional manner. If your boyfriend was too tired to listen to you, give you feedback, or even call - what would that communicate to you?
This is, ofcourse, assuming that your relationship is otherwise healthy and he does not only hang around with you for what you can give him physically. If all else is decent - but you are too tired to be physical - to him a large portion of his validation has left the relationship and you are commincating that you really don't prioritize him enough.
TF
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| Thanks guys! I really appreciate your input
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I'm in complete agreement with the suggestion below. If your boyfriend knows you truly feel a connection with him but stress affects your day to day activities, I think he'll understand and possibly find ways to help you with that stress (maybe he'll cook you dinner on those nights you have a late study night or when you have to work late). My fear is that not having this discussion openly will leave your boyfriend wondering if you truly feel the connection with him or worse... he'll feel like you are stringing him along. Communication will be the key to relieving some of your stress.
Best of luck!!
RZ
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JenJen 09,
That is a difficult and loaded question. stress has a lot to do with peoples natural cycles and desiring to fool around can definitly be thrown out of wack by stress. I think the best course of action is to talk to your boyfriend if there is a problem and convey to him how you feel and try to clear the air as much as possible.
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Hey guys,
I have a somewhat blunt question, but I'd really like some input from some males...
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 8 months, we're both full-time college students at a fairly academically-intense school. Last semester, I took a credit overload and worked around 12 hours a week. Needless to say, I was extremely busy and exhausted all the time. As a result, I wasn't much in the mood for fooling around more than once every couple weeks...
My question is, I guess, how would you handle this situation? Would you even consider dating somebody who didn't want to fool around more often than that?
Any input is *greatly* appreciated! Thanks!
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