  |
|
ASPENJULES
8/16/07 1:41 P
|
|
|
|
| Hey - I'm glad that what I went through could be of some help to someone. Good luck. Not sure I should say let us know how it goes, LOLOL... but good luck!
|
|
|
|
| You ladies have no idea how helpful you have been. I really thank you so much for your input. I will try to be more patient and try that"understanding" thing that us men are so good at. We shall see how thing sgo for me her ein the future.
|
|
ASPENJULES
8/16/07 1:29 P
|
|
|
|
Ok, Zaxdad... and anybody else...
Sometimes I would agree to have sex even though I wasn't in the mood, because he wanted it, you know... but it would be hard for me to get aroused...
My husband would be determined that I would 'reach satisfaction' even when I was kind of 'eh whatever..' about it. He was very very patient, but also told me that *he* enjoyed it more when I got enjoyment out of it... and he would take whatever time and steps it took, you know?
And that was part of what turned things around for me because you know... it would eventually feel really good and over time I was able to remember that better.
Pregnancy hormones just really mess with your sex drive - even a long time after you give birth.
|
|
|
|
| Aspen, you can be dead on blunt in here
|
|
RAINBOW24240
8/16/07 1:27 A
|
|
|
|
| Have you told him hpw you feel? If so what does he say? If you cheat not only do you hurt him but you hurt yourself and everyone else involed. Ask him to see a counslor. My husband and I would fight because when I was in the mood he wasn't and when he was I wasn't. What if you could spend one day with your husband and just talk go out and have some fun? Then maybe you could see what happens next. What me and my hubby did was find ways to add a little spiece to our sex life. It has worked so much better then fighting about it. Well Good Luck!!!
|
|
ASPENJULES
8/15/07 8:20 P
|
|
|
|
| Oh... I just thought of something else.. but I don't know just exactly how blunt I can be here?
|
|
|
|
| Dude, I feel for ya I went threw the same thing for thirteen years with my wife. There is no other way to describe it other then it sucks!
|
|
|
|
| I greatly appreciate your advice and will continue to support her in every way i know how. I just hope that the "animal" i once knew will return.
|
|
|
|
| Those are some excellent ideas Jules. I agree with you too on the kid thing. When kids are constantly on you you get sick of being touched by the end of the day. That was part of my problem. Everytime my husband touched me he was somewhat expecting something. It was never just because, nothing expected back. Well, for the first while thats how it was anyways. Now, the sex is awesome. Our kids are getting older and more independant and not so clingy so we have more time to concentrate on us.
|
|
ASPENJULES
8/12/07 8:01 P
|
|
|
|
Zaxdad, that was me for years after my children were born, I'm afraid to say. For me it had less to do with my weight (which was high, yes, but not the issue for me or hubby) but that I was just always so tired, and kids were always *on me* and I'd just get touched out.
Now before you get depressed by my saying it was years, let me say now that the sex ROCKS and we have tons of fun and it is just getting better and better now, especially as I'm losing weight and getting fitter.
Ok, now here's some suggestions from another woman who's been there (along with Vic), even in the depression area.
1) Touch her in ways that aren't demanding and that the children don't. My son ALWAYS grabbed and pulled my hair so I would never have wanted my hair brushed, but one time a really good friend gave me a foot massage and OH WOW! Find some way to touch her that is non-demanding and pleasurable to her. Try a foot rub to start. 
2)Never stop telling her you think she's beautiful, you love her, etc. My husband was so-so about it, usually good, but when he started saying every day to me with sincerity in his voice and eyes how much he loves me, how beautiful I am to him, what a great mom I am, it really made me feel more connected to him. He always always has given me a kiss and told me he loves me before we fall asleep and I love that. He also often thanks me for marrying him. No matter how many times I hear it, it helps to hear it again, and when I was struggling with post-partum depression it was a lifeline to me.
Oh, and when she *is* working out and having even a little success, let her know how proud you are of her. And if you see ANY improvement in her body - TELL her. MAN that keeps my motivation going when my husband mentions how much he can see a difference from what I'm doing. Even if it's a "Hey, look at this muscle here!" kind of thing.
3) One thing that was said on this board was to try to talk about it. Ask what she likes, what she doesn't like, what she wants, etc. Be willing to tell her what you would like as well. It doesn't sound very romantic, but be willing to make a deal. If she will do such and so (even an agreed frequency) then you will do such and so. No, it's not romantic according to Hollywood, but when people start getting their needs met, whatever they be, friskiness tends to increase, lol.
4) Know this - men doing dishes are SEXY! So are men cooking, changing diapers, playing with their children (OOOH BABY! Men and babies together are SUCH a turn on! LOL) Help her out. Say to her "Hey, go do something for yourself for an hour - I've got things here." When she's had time to recharge she'll start feeling more like herself again.
5) If you're really concerned, you could also have her ask her Ob/Gyn. It might just be normal. It might be her hormones could use a tweak. Can't hurt to ask. You do it if she won't. I don't know if the Ob/Gyn will talk to you but he/she might. My husband went to so many of my appt's with me that the doc knew him and would have if needed.
Hang in there. Sounds like you're a wonderful husband who loves his wife - she'll come around. I did... and as I said - we're having tons of fun now, LOL.
Let us know how it goes - I'm like Soad... I need closure! LOL
|
|
|
|
Thank you so much for your input VIC2006. I am ready to help her get through this phase and back to wher eshe has the confidence. I understand, kind of, what she is going through. It is just hard for me to watch her fall into this. She is in SP but she does not really use it for anything. 
She uses WW and that helps her as well
|
|
|
|
| Zaxdad- the only thing you can do is be there for her when she needs you. Maybe try and get active together. Evening walks with the baby. A good game of catch or something. Find things she is interested in and encourage her to take part in them WITH YOU. After dinner, get up and suggest a trip to the park with your son. Anything to get active is a start. Go to the gym with her. Do it together. That may keep her motivated longer then a couple weeks. It may not seem like much but its a start. Is she on SP?
|
|
|
|
| that FLOYDIAN guy died July 5th ~ check out his SparkPage.
|
|
|
|
| I have tried talking to her about it and she has rejoined the gym. My biggest fear outside of the physical is that she is getting depressed. I want her to be ablt enjoy the time with her husband and son. I REALLY want her to enjoy the time with me. She mentioned that she just feels like a body with nothing interesting to look at. I think she is hot as anything I have ever seen. She has tried so many things to get weight off and working out but she gives in after only a couple of weeks. Is ther eanything I can do to encourage her to keep going forward?
|
|
|
|
| Zaxdad, i was just like your wife when i had my son. I hated my body after having a baby. I was very self concious and didnt really want to be touched. I couldnt fathom why my husband would want to touch me when i no longer looked the way i did before kids. For me it was a self esteem issue. One that my husband didnt understand. He told me all the time i was beautiful but i didnt believe him. All i had to do was look in the mirror and his words would fade away. Once i got passed my own personal issues our sex life got better. Now we have a happy and healthy sex life again. Have you talked to your wife about why things are the way they are? Maybe she is dealing with the same sort of issues. For me it was very hard to deal with the body change. I was always fit and in shape. Suddenly i was flabby and saggy and nothing i did could make it go away. It was never an issue of not wanting sex. Of course i wanted it. But i was afraid that my husband might think i was gross, or fat. Silly i know, but it happened. It took me 3 yrs to deal with myself before things started to get better. Took another 3 years before things returned to how they were before i had my son. Maybe talk to your wife, find out how shes feeling. My husband never once asked me why. All he would do is argue and get mad. So i withdrew even more instead of opening up. All i can suggest to you is to try and talk to her. She if she will open up. Good luck with it.
|
|
|
|
This is a very interesting thread. I am in my early 30's and my sex drive, i feel, is thru the roof. My wife's, on the other hand is somewhere in another world. She sleeps right next to me but her drive is nowhere to be found. She just had a baby 11 months ago and I can count the times we have had sex since his birth on both hands and have fingers left over. I feel as though she no longer wants me to touch her and tell her she is beautiful. For the womaen reading this, could you please fill me in on how ling it will be before I see the woman that I was having sex with everyday.
|
|
SOADROXMYSOX
8/8/07 6:50 P
|
|
|
|
| Honestly if your going to start a thread at least check on it....I need to know how the original author is doing!!!! I need closure!!
|
|
|
|
WOW! I have to say i am shocked at some of the anger on this thread. Unbelievable how some ppl react.
Well, i wanted to post here because i have been married for almost 10 years and I used to be like your husband. Never really interested in sex. When we were dating we , pardon the phrase, had sex like rabbits. I was thin, and active, and loved my body. We got married and things were great. 1 month later i found out i was pregnant. I had the worse pregnancy in the world. Very stressful and high-risk. Therefore... no sex. After our son was born i was very sick. I had a hard time losing my pregnancy weight, therefore hating my body and myself. My husband always told me i am beautiful to him, not to worry. But this was an inner demon for me. nothing he said was going to change the fact that i hated my body and felt " fat and disgusting". I thought, how could he possibly want to have sex with me when im fat and gross. Not the case at all. But it was my frame of mind. It wasnt that i hated sex, or didnt want it. I was lacking self esteem which lead to troubles in our sex life. he didnt understand why i suddenly no longer wanted to " screw like rabbits". He had made a comment to me one day about how i would feel if the tables were turned and he got heavy and no longer wanted sex. That made me stop and think. From that moment on, i took upon myself to do some self healing. I knew that if i wanted my marriage to last and be healthy that i had to let go of my insecurities and trust and believe in myself and my husband. I took the initiative to do something about it. After doing some serious self evaluations, i realized that i was hanging on to the weight as a comfort. Scary thought huh. I have taken the initiative to lose the weight and become the attractive person i saw in the mirror 9 years ago, before my son was born. Its taking alot of work but i no longer care what other ppl think about me and my body. my husband loves it and thats all that matters. What im trying to get at is, is your husband maybe struggling with some inner demons? Is there something from his past maybe that haunts him and is affecting this? Its something to really think about and maybe talk to him about. The mind can be a powerful tool but can also be your worst enemy. Good luck with this issue. I hope it can be resolved.
|
|
SOADROXMYSOX
8/7/07 5:11 P
|
|
|
|
| If you check this thread again, I can say I know how you feel. My husband has like no sex drive with me. He would rather have sex with himself than have sex with me. I don't worry about it anymore. We used to have arguements about it but I don't care anymore. Does your husband have a fetish of some sort??? Sometimes depending on what the fetish is, the fetish becomes the main focus of sexual arousal. my husband is just a freak though. I wish that you wouldn't take things too far with your friend. If it goes too far then you can never go back. Once you cross the line of betrayal there really isn't a great way to 'fix' that. I have managed to stay with my hubbins the way he is for 2.5 years now, and we have had sex like twice maybe. He could have a hard time with comfort. Like if his unit is uncomfortable then it's not going to want to stay aroused for the event. Or it's not getting enough stimulation during the act, so he just isn't interested in 'working' too hard. I dunno, I am just throwin ideas out there. I hope there isn't anymore animosity in this thread!!!! It's not cool to argue, but then I read who started it, and that was pointless. I am not religious, in fact I am agnostic, but I am not an ignorant person who knocks others for their religious beliefs. So anyway, that's it for me! Peace peoples~
|
|
|
|
| Have you tried doing things that he likes to do? Going out of your way and taking interest in something that he loves to do. If he sees that you care about him and are willing to do those things with him, then maybe he will realize that he needs to do the same thing with you in the bedroom.
|
|
|
|
| Wow, here I thought the run in I had with Floydian was an isolated incident. He had made some scathing remarks towards some women on another thread and when I confronted him about his behavior he let me have it with both barrels. I see in other threads that he spread the 'joy' around in other threads as well. Now this angry man has passed away and there is a tribute thread for him. Unbelievable.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A scientific study has shown that an active sex life is good for a man’s heart.
I for one want a healthy heart. My wife agreed to be my partner.(thank god)
|
|
|
|
| Have an active sex life! Maybe he just doesn't need to be included in it
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
FLOYDIAN;
Just read through this string, and though this is a little "after the fact", I guess my comment to your response is that while I usually find your posts informative and interesting, and even entertaining, your response to "I hope you find happiness somewhere" . . . . .
"Sounds like you're an ass, God Bless you and I hope you find a personality somewhere."
was a pretty harsh and over the top response for someone who was wishing you well. I hope I'm not fanning the flames of your ire here but I came to read this topic because I have similar issues in my love life, and wanted to learn from the experiance of others here. All I can say is, WOW, this thread sure took a turn I never expected.
Peace,
Rick
|
|
DOUGHBOY4
2/18/07 10:37 A
|
|
|
|
I'm going back to the original question, if that's still a problem (I hope not); and you guys don't mind.
Yes, go think about talking to a specialist as suggested earlier. Even one session alone might help you understand the issue and take action before you build a wall between yourselves. Should you tell him about it? I dunno. Your call.
For some unprofessional "guy" FWIW advise,
and, I don't know squat - but here anyway -
Just something to think about. You might push a partner away if you're too mechanical about it. I think, being honest and spontaneous might work better. A woman doesn't have to be thin, or amazingly beautiful to be sexy. It's the way she feels about herself, the way she moves and the way she makes her man feel when he's with her - important, loved, supported, wanted. Woah! I'm getting on my sensitive side..."How bout those Red Sox?" burp...
If you want to have sex to become pregnant, or he thinks that, then your husband may not be ready, and so is pushing away. Just a thought to think about.
In all sincerity, good luck.
|
|
CLYDERICHARD2
2/17/07 11:27 P
|
|
|
|
Floydian,
I know this is fanning the flames, but I'll say it anyway...
Through this whole thread you have demonstrated an agressivly defensive stance about many issues. If someone wishes you happiness, they aren't saying you are unhappy - what was wished upon you was a GOOD thing.
I can't imagine it would have made you feel better to have been wished to find unhappiness... but if that's what you want just ask. The world is full of people who will support any goal you set for yourself.
I don't mean to take umbrage with you with you either. I only hope to help you see that you make it hard for a person to be on your side when you lash out at them like that.
I too wish for you that you find happiness - be it continued happiness or new-found. Peace, man.
-Rick
|
|
|
|
Floydian,
You mave have just proved Louies point.
I am not a religious man - but I do know that focusing on the adherents is the easiest way to attack any system - from government to religion.
I tire of the holier than thou - but I don't think Louie was out of line - and you carpet bombed him.
No umbrage - just tossing a yellow flag.
TF
|
|
|
|
I am off topic here - but I am replying to this post.
The problem with obstaining until marriage is that a MASSIVE part of a couples marriage is the sex (when other things are wrong).
If BOTH of you have no sexual experience, you are taking one portion of love (eros as the greeks called sexual love) and not negotiating it before you decide whether this person is right for you.
I am not saying you should engage in some sort of serial monogomy to figure this out - but I think when things get real serious with another person, sex is something that must be negotiated, probed, and figured out. If both are virgins - this is impossible.
Now to the topic at hand:
Something is up. I can be stressed out, angry, upset at the world, and injured and if my wife wants to have sex - I am DOWN!
He may just have a low drive - but I know when I am angry at my wife, or disgusted with my wife - I am not wanting to have sex... well I don't want to have sex with her. My drive is still there - but with her it is nonexistent.
I may sound harsh - I am just trying to be honest.
TF
|
|
|
|
Not at all.
It has been years of experience with the FCR and comments just like that which has formulated my opinion.
"I hope you find happiness somewhere."
Do you know me? How do you figure I am not happy?
How do you know I don't know and have a relationship with Christ?
Sounds like you're an ass, God Bless you and I hope you find a personality somewhere.
|
|
LITTLE-LUEY
2/9/07 11:37 A
|
|
|
|
Floydian
Sounds like you been hurt, God bless you and I hope you find happiness somewhere.
|
|
|
|
For the record, it is not God or Jesus I have a problem with.
It's the fan club that I find off putting.
|
|
|
|
Sorry Jaime
I hate it when people do that!
|
|
|
|
JAIME,
Yeah, you should always give better than but when you do that, you're partner almost always has to try to top you. That might not be such a bad thing actually.
|
|
|
|
I love you guys, but please stop misspelling my name! It comes from the French for love -- not the Spanish for James. Even though it would be cool to be named for an apostle!
And I think giving better than you get would be ideal. But that's me.
|
|
|
|
I guess we all agree: Mdameron, put the matches and gasoline down! The thing that I've learned about the whole sex after marriage is that no matter who you marry.
1. Give as good or better than you get.
2. Don't be predictable.
3. Have fun with it.
If you hit all three of those things, you're doing great.
|
|
|
|
| I have to agree. I am amazed that there would be such a strong reaction to the suggestion that someone find a religious girl to marry. I was shocked that there are religious girls that are that "accomodating" to their husbands. I'm going to have to talk to my wife about that. Anyway, why does a Christian, Muslim, Jew, or even Atheist have to be careful about the advice they give out. I think that if you do not like the advice it is up to you not to take it. Maybe it is the tone of the rebuke that bothers me, however, nothing that Jamie said was particularly strange or unwarranted, I would have been more interested to hear/read how it was taken by the guy for which it was intended.
|
|
LITTLE-LUEY
2/8/07 4:55 P
|
|
|
|
Wow dude, do you need to eat more carbs or what?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Floydian,
Dude if you've got God issues, don't take it out on Jamie. There's no doubt that those who believe that there is a higher power and that there will be ultimate accountability someday, will have a belief system in which there are concrete "right and wrongs".
It is true that there are plenty of nice non religious girls out there. However finding one that had an objective standard for her moral choices (such as what Christians have in the Bible)would seem a good idea.
You make a great point about who Jesus chose to hang out with. He indeed spent time with the drunkards, the prostitutes, and the tax collectors, and was often attacked by the religious for doing so. The issue with the religious leaders was not that they were religious, but that theirs was empty religion. They went through all the right motions, but missed the point of a relationship with God.
In Matthew 21:31, one can read "Jesus said to them (the chief priests and elders) "I tell you the truth, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John (the Baptist) came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him."
The statement "...and leave God to God" while appealing to who Jesus associated with is disingenuous. The reason Jesus associated with the "wrong people" is because they were accepting of the truth of God and His Son; they were willing to repent and believe Him. The religious establishment, even after they saw this refused to do the same. Jesus threatened their comfortable "false sense of security" that they found in their empty religion - and that's why they wanted Him dead. One cannot and should not "leave God to God", for God seeks a relationship with every one of us through Jesus Christ because He loves us (John 3:16).
Let's not let our emotions get the best of us.
Mike
|
|
|
|
Your words:
"just find yourself a nice religious girl"
I can take nothing from that other than what is intended by the statement. To find a nice girl, that will cater to him and not stray, she needs to be religious.
I pointed out that there are plenty of non religious girls out there.
Judging by your reaction, my post must have hit a nerve somewhere within you.
Go out and find the right person and leave God to God.
|
|
|
|
excuse me, was that what i said? and did you mean credibility?
I think what you'd want is counseling because there's not a drug for that. And no you're not typical of most guys. Of course, I don't think that's very meaningful anyways.
|
|
|
|
Why does she have to be religious?
Only girls who go to church are nice?
If that is what you're saying, I am afraid your attitude lacks incredibly and I will also remind you of those Jesus associated with and who were the ones who killed him.
Hint: The ones he associated with were prostitutes, thieves and tax collectors and the ones who killed him were the religious leaders and elders in the church.
9 out of 10 churches today would still throw him out if he were to come back as a lamb again. Thankfully for his sake he'll come back as a lion and will have a few surprises for people I am sure.
Sorry for the OT.
|
|
|
|
in addition to all the thoughtful comments, some self-attention might help you feel better and take it easier on your husband.
mdameron, please don't burn any forests. just find yourself a nice religious girl who believes she should never say no to her husband. there are a few of us backwards-thinking gals still around. of course, you should reciprocate and not be like this guy!
|
|
|
|
I'm abstaining until marriage and this talk of no sex after marriage makes me sad...
If that becomes the case, I'll find a beautiful forest and burn it down.
|
|
|
|
Amanda,
These are some words of wisdom from ILOVE91. You would be wise to take them to heart.
Wishing you the best,
Mike
|
|
|
|
Amanda,
I've seen the heartache that stems from infidelity. When you married your husband your promise to keep yourself only to him was not contingent upon his actions. Do not use your frustrations to rationalize and affair.
I promise that if you cheat on him you will regret it. You love him, and I know you don't want to hurt him that way. The territory you're playing in is dangerous. That joking relationship with your friend is dangerous.
Marriage is all about putting the other person first and you've got to look out for his best intrest.
I also vote for some counciling. Do it now, even if it's just you who goes. Don't wait until it's too late and the real damage has been done.
|
|
|
|
| I have to agree with Yooper... my BF is in another country right now, but before he left our sex life was nearly non-existant. We went long periods at just once a month. I was so miserable about it, but EVERYTHING else about our relationship was great. We talked about it, but nothing really changed. I know he was really stressed in the months leading up to his departure, so I didn't want to rock the boat. Now, he's gone until November, and I'm having the longest dry spell of my life. I have party permission while he's gone, as does he, but I don't really care to find anyone else just to keep the bed warm. I really jsut want him home. I think when he gets back it'll be great and all the time for a while, but how long before things go back to the way they were before? I hope they don't, but I really don't know.
|
|
|
|
OK, I'm officially jealous.
Once a week would be GREAT!
We're more typical in that I'm ready almost anytime and she is tired/stressed etc.
Back to the original poster, You didn't say if you did 'nice' things (massage etc) with no expectations or strings attached. Don't expect a next-week turnaround, but over time this can be a method of drawing closer.
|
|
|
|
Okay, so here is what I think is the next logical question. Is there anything out there (prescription or over the counter) that increases a mans sex drive?
I'm not talking about Viagra and stuff because (at least it's my understanding) all they do is make a man "ready" we'll say. I don't think it makes him mentally aroused or actually increases his libido. Does it?
If I am correct and it doesn't, is there something that does?
I know I would be willing to look for something that made me want it more often and provided me greater pleasure during.
|
|
|
|
| Just from my own experience I can tell you, when I was a newlywed with a young baby, putting myself through school and working full time, sex was almost non-existent. It's not that I suddenly hated sex it's just there wasn't the same urgency as I had before.
|
|
LITTLE-LUEY
2/1/07 6:36 P
|
|
|
|
Hi, I have a comment on your situation.
He could be tired from school and work, I work 12hrs a day and to be onest, by the time I make it home I am beat, my wife also has that complaint with me, that we don't have enough sex. For me, during the week all I have time for after work is to shower, have dinner with the family and help my girl with school work, that lives no time for me to do what I want to do, my wife thinks that I have time but I choose to do something else with it and sometimes she is right, I do have hobbies that take me away from the house and her. But I also think I need to get away sometimes for my own benefit, I can be very rude when I get cranky and I don't want to do that either.
What I have done lately is to take the hole family fishing with me or hiking, just to combine all the things I need to do as a father and husband, but this also means that once in a while I need to get away even from her.
I hope you guys can work it out.
|
|
|
|
Ironically, my wife and I did the switch-a-roo. I met my wife when I was in my late 20's and her sex drive was thru the roof while mine was about a cool as a cucumber (no pun intended). Now 8 years later...we've had a total turn around. Now I'm asking / begging, and she is the cool cucumber. I think it has to do with hormones, stress, etc.
I will say we did talk about it in a civil manner. It doesn't mean we still agree, but she understands my desires and I understand her position. That helps alot. I hope you'll be able to get to the point where you can discuss it through as well.
Best of luck!
RZ
|
|
|
|
He is not alone.
My wife wants it far more than I do and at times we'll go 4 weeks plus. She gets mad at me about it too and will start dropping some pretty large hints at the 2 and 3 weeks marks, but most of the time I'm just not into it.
For me though I think it's because I don't get a whole lot out of it. In fact, I never have. I have never had the hair standing on end, toe curling climax and for the most part my sex life was enjoyable through conquest and how good I could be.
I don't think women understand this, but if I am typical of most guys, it just ain't that good.
|
|
|
|
A couple things that I noticed in your post.
1) Most guys in their mid 20's still have a sex drive. But most "experts" will say that a mans sex drive is strongest from late teens into early 20's. I doubt that has much effect in this circumstance, but certainly possibile.
2) You mentioned "Finals" for your husband. Many people lose their sex drive when they are stressed out. If you husband is working as well as attending school I can only imagine that he is stressed quite often. Many guys/people often want some time during the day to just relax. While sex is most definitely fun, it doesn't always = relaxation.
3) Odds are, he isn't cheating on you. Unless you left out some important details, you didn't mention anything that sounds like he's cheating.
4) Without getting too personal, is he bored with the sex because it is routine? The same thing every time? Many people get so used to the same thing that it just isn't exciting anymore. He says he doesn't want to plan it out, then don't. YOU take the initiative, cook a nice dinner, maybe a dinner, give HIM the massage and go from there. Mixing things up can make it more exciting.
5) Unfortunately, as mentioned before, counseling can often be the only/best way to work through it. Many guys take offense to counseling, so you have to be careful how its brought up. Perhaps start off by just asking him what it is he wants out of your sex life. This should help you discover what he's looking for. If you can't figure out, then you suggest that maybe you can work together through a counselor so that you can please him the way he wants.
Good Luck!
Matt
|
|
KELTHEBOLD
1/30/07 5:05 P
|
|
|
|
| I should be smart and not touch this with a ten-foot pole but... ... I hope that you are just venting, Lord knows you need to. I must tell you that dry periods affect every marriage and the ones that last have a strong basis of trust and understanding. With that said, there seems to be a lack of one or the other with both of you (lack of understanding on his part and lack of trust on yours). As harshly as this might come across in a media such as this, (also, you don't know me enough to know I am everything but malicious), it sounds as though it is time for some counseling. How to approach him about this is beyond any outsider. Also if you value the marraige at all stop even kidding about relations with the mutual friend. This might be a noticed issue with your husband and could be adding a trust issue with him as well if it doesn't exist already.
|
|
|
|
This might not be the place to do this, but I figured this was the best place to hear some good guy opinions.
I've been married for almost three years and I'm in my mid 20's.
I'm used to hearing the stereotype of men having to beg there wives for sex, but very rarely vice versa, right?
Here's the deal... I have been overweight for a while, but I am confident, I wear nice clothes, keep up with my appearance (IE hair highlighted, cut, makeup, etc)... so I'm not hideous, just overweight.
My hubby claims that his sex drive isn't as active as mine, he is in his mid 20's too. Isn't this backwards?
We used to have sex like twice a week, sometimes a little less frequent, and that wasn't enough for me. Now he CLAIMS we still do, but HELLO I think I know how often it is. I don't know how to handle this problem.
I have needs!!!! I'm not asking him to be lovey-dovey, I'm not asking for anything crazy in the bedroom, I just want to have an active sex life!!! Honestly, we might have sex once every week and a half, and at times longer (when he has finals at school, etc... but that I can somewhat understand). I know usually after people have been married for a while the sex dies down, but from my understanding this is because the woman pushes it off with a "headache" "period" "cramps" "too tired" etc... not the case here.
I think I've tried just about everything. For a while, I tried to initiate it frequently (in a positive way, not pushey), but I got turned down. So after feeling like COMPLETE AND TOTAL CRAP (from being denied multiple times by my hubby) I tried to discuss the matter in a civil adult manner.... which then turned into an argument. Then I just gave up and stopped doing anything that might slightly get him in the mood (ie massage, etc)... Did that effect ANYTHING? Not a bit... we just went longer without sex. Now I'm frustrated because my hubby can't have a civil conversation about it. I mean seriously, I HAVE NEEDS!! I'm not a sexaholic, but geez is twice a week or so too much to ask? The few times we've briefly discussed the issue without arguing he's like "I don't want to plan it or have a set amount of times. I just want it to happen." I don't want to plan it either, I just want it to happen. He does NOTHING for me physically in any other form either... I can't even get a massage. I ask for kisses and if I ask too many times he says he doesn't want to "spoil" me too much.
By doing these things he makes me feel several different negative things: 1) Is he cheating on me? This thought runs through my head every time he works late or is 10 minutes late getting home from school. 2) Am I THAT disgusting to look at? Is he just not attracted to me? 3) Is there something wrong with him physically/psychologically?; 4) Worst of all (I feel terrible admitting this)... we mutually know someone who flirts with me and makes me feel so beautiful, inside and out. We joke around about "hooking up," but lately I fantasise about what it would be like... and worse... if I could actually do it.
Sometimes I think to myself that he will be more active with me once I lose weight, and it motivates me to work harder on doing so. Other times I think the same thing except it makes me not want to do a thing because he should love me and want to be physical with me regardless of my appearance. He married me when I was overweight (I was very thin when we were dating), he should still want to be intimate with me... fat or not.
I want to be with my husband, even though we have this problem we really are a great team. I want to stay true to him. What's a girl to do?????
|
|
