Very good and often well-needed observation: Men cannot babysit their children. It is called parenting, and I hope more and more of us are "man enough" to take that role seriously.
CBREEDING 2/9/07 7:59 P
Argh!
My pet peeve: men "babysitting" their own children.
No, it's called parenting.
Ms. Bookdragon has a point about the possibility of needing "decompression" time when he gets home. If he's cranky, maybe there might be a chance to re-schedule the workout when it's more convenient for both parents?
MSBOOKDRAGON 10/10/06 3:44 A
"...but when he says things like "Are you going to work out when I get home?" it seems more like with an attitude and more pushy rather than just a question out of curiosity..."
I wonder if he's tired/stressed and wanting to know if he has to babysit when he gets home.
Lots of good advice already given. Make baby goals, be realistic, keep coming to sparkpeople!
Someone on another thread said that failure is falling down 8 times and not getting up 9. Or something like that.
LZRIDER 10/8/06 11:48 P
Thanks for the input and the welcome we have talked some already this morning and I know from what is happening with me its something she has to make her own mind up about and in the mean time I will be going forward with my own agenda to become fit again.
LISA_IN_CA 10/8/06 10:15 P
HI Larry,
Welcome to our group and it's nice to meet you : ) Congrats on your decision to get more healthy and fit .. it's a wonderful journey.
Do what make you happy and your wife will need to do what works for her. You should ask your wife in just the same way you stated to us what happened .. see how she is feeling. This might not be for her .. or maybe is simply causes her anxiety to start getting in shape .. there are so many possible reasons why she was quick to ignore your attempt at inclduing her. She's the best person to provide the answer : ) She be supportive, kind and loving . she will find her way! Warm welcomes! ttys Lisa
LZRIDER 10/8/06 2:50 A
My wife and I are both over weight. I know that she is always concerned with hers. I have never really been that bothered by her weight or mine. Now that I have been in Iraq for over a year I am beginning to see all the unhealthy choices that I have made in the past so I have taken some steps to correct mine. I also know that I can't do it for someone else all I can do is be supportive for them. I have just joined SP a couple of days ago and already feel better just making the decision to lose weight. Here in lies the problem I emailed my wife with the info to SP thinking she would be jumping for joy, that she would be wanting to join and try it also. I don't know how many times she has started a program and not followed up. I guess I thought if I was doing it also she would be more involved and maybe motivated. I talk to her daily on the phone and sometimes twice a day and am taking her back to Germany in Nov. this year. After 3 days I asked if she had gotten the email about SP and had she checked the site out. The subject was changed immediately and that was the end of that exchange. So now I guess I am going to be waiting to see what she has to say next. Any thoughts any of you may have may help my insights some. thanks for having a place to vent. Larry
CRAZY4BLUES 9/29/06 10:18 P
Lisa, I see what you mean, but it's probably way too much to expect, IMHO. Physical fitness is an intensely personal activity; you do it, truly, for yourself. Mind, I'm not saying that it is a *selfish* activity. Rather, it's basically something you do yourSELF. Nobody else can sweat for you, you know?
Sure, we don't want others giving us negativity, but if they do, so what? Just go out and exercise. If someone doesn't like your personal choices (as long as their reasonably legal and don't hurt anybody), then to heck with 'em! We're all adults here, right? Frankly, if a spouse has a problem with his/her SO leading a healthy lifestyle and maybe taking an hour or two a day to exercise, then there is likely a greater, more fundamental problem in the relationship.
Hmmm, flight school, eh? I don't know, right or wrong, that is an all-consuming endeavor, and it's kinda zero-sum, pass-fail. Very high stakes. Stressful, etc. Hmmm, I don't know . . . It's gonna be tough . . . Not impossible, but tough. Again, I'm not trying to justify any negativity, but I think there is a lot going on that'll tip the equation into the negative . . . (hmm, that math metaphor isn't very good, is it? I'll work on it . . .)
LISA_IN_CA 9/29/06 3:49 P
excellent Advice Russ : ) and prefectly said : ) Also .. Bob you can chat with us about diet and nutrition. I love this topic and am very interested!
RUSS1985 9/29/06 3:44 P
Hey Bob,
Just from what I've seen, it's hard for people to take advice, no matter how good it is when its unsolicited. My wife used to try to give me diet advice. It's hard for me to take advice to begin with. It's even harder when the person giving the advice isn't following it in their own life. You love the person. At the same time, if you could hit the mute button, you would in a heartbeat. That being said, if you're getting subtle or not so subtle hints that the advice is not appreciated, maybe you should hold off on telling them for a while.
CIGBGONE 9/29/06 2:57 P
Good Topic here and hits home for me. I joined SP back in Mar-06 to lose some weight. It has been very helpful for me and I have been having some success with it.
I am married and have three adult daughters with one that lives with us. They have all been on diet and had weight issues off and on. After I found SP and saw the "Light", I would at times email them with some of the information I would come across. Food, exercise and motivation articles that I found interesting and thought they might too.
While after some time, I was told that this was not appreciated. That maybe I just heard about this stuff, but that they had known it for years. My one daughter told my DW that she wishes I had never started this dieting.
That was about 3 months ago. Since them, my DW & daughter at home have started WW and seemed to be quite pumped about it.
At this point, I am keeping a low profile on this, but offer congratulations and encouragement when they bring up the subject.
Lisa / Guys - Do you think I'm doing the right thing now ???
Thanks, Bob
LISA_IN_CA 9/29/06 2:32 P
I changed my workout schedule to reflect I burn at least 2500 per week .. and it still says to stay in the 1200-1550 calorie range .. so that's what I'll do.
LISA_IN_CA 9/29/06 2:27 P
Ade, I will happily eat more ha ha : ) thanks for your feedback as well. It's helpful to see other people's thoughts, comments and experience. Have a great weekend everyone : )
WONGERCHI 9/29/06 2:15 P
Sounds like you're not eating enough, lass! Change your exercise numbers to reflect what you're doing and eat within your new calorie range. I was burning 2000 calories per week exercising but only eating the number of calories for 1000 cals worth of exercise (between 1700 and 1900 I think). After about a month, I started to feel hungry all the time and while the weight did come off, I eventually plateaued at around 195lbs...
I changed the program to accommodate the extra exercise (now about 2500 cals per week), ate more (2050-2300 cals is my new range), and am now at 185lbs. I feel a lot better and still losing the pounds so I guess eating less is not always the answer!
Good luck though, whatever you do...
Ade
LISA_IN_CA 9/29/06 2:12 P
Thanks Hereami : ) Nice to see you .. have a great weekend!
HEREAMI 9/29/06 2:03 P
Just hang in there Lisa, if anything it would seem your calories are too low for the amount you are exerting and your apparant height; speculation at its best.
LISA_IN_CA 9/29/06 1:32 P
by getting active i simply mean become a partner to do thngs with her .. whether it's walking, biking, hiking .. anything to get moving. I think this would go a long way to help. vs standing over her in the kitchen and saying .. you shouldn't eat that.
As for my plateau .. it's still here .. I think my exercise numbers are all screwy ...
I am suppose to burn 1310 calories per week. This week I have burned 2200 and will also burn another 550 tomorrow. I usually take Sundays off.
I take in 1500 calories per day or less.
Does this seem right? why are the burning of my calories so low? and I should change this I think to beter reflect what Im doing?
help
CRAZY4BLUES 9/29/06 11:42 A
Hey, Lisa, hope you can bust through the plateau soon!
On topic, what do you mean by "get active"?
LISA_IN_CA 9/27/06 6:56 P
awwww Russ ... I hope you feel better soon! I do not want a fall cold ... repeat after me .. lol. Thanks for your words of wisdom on both topics .. I think they are bang-on : ) .. time for you to go eat some chicken soup and rice *grin* ttys Lisa
RUSS1985 9/27/06 5:43 P
Here are my 2 cents and if anyone's offended bear in mind I am dealing with an early fall cold and am flying on cough medicine. :P
Calm Lisa, calm,
Plateaus happen. But you're also noting that you're making progress. You know the scale is a number, an important number but a number all the same and not the ultimate determining factor in how healthy you are. You're doing fine. Keep doing what you're doing, stay a few steps ahead of the bears and when your body's ready to go down again, it will.
Back to the original question. Guys motivate differently. I bet in his mind, he feels he's doing a great job and he probably feels that he needs to get after you more when you start to slow down. That's what he'd do to a guy friend who was asking him to keep him on task, except I bet he'd be harder. That being said, a good talking to him, giving a bit of feedback on his motivational techniques, would go a long way toward solving this. Have you told him how you feel about his techniques. If you haven't, I'll bet you a quarter he doesn't have a clue how you feel about this and he'll keep doing this for weeks and months to come. Also, you've gotta make sure that you own this weight loss goal. If he's seen you give up and come back, and give up and come back again, he's probably thinking that he's got to push you a little more so that you don't fail again. I will hazard a guess that your stress level bumps up a little after every perceived failed attempt. So, rather than allowing you to get down on yourself with an unsuccessful attempt, he's looking to push you a bit to get you to the finish line. Don't take it personally. He's not attacking you. I bet he loves you to no end and that's where his comment are coming from.
Anyway, take care, Amanda. I hope everything is going well.
Russ
LISA_IN_CA 9/27/06 4:53 P
Im so glad yoour hub is such a great support system : )
I was thinking while I was running today about the food comments and it also comes down to the fact that it's okay to eat "not so good" food once in awhile or in small amounts. Also the person eating it knows how many calories they have eatten during the day, and what typs of foods they have been eating ...
anyways just another thought about this ...
smiles everyone : ) My weight has not moved much the last few weeks .. I think it's a plateau and yet with that said, the muscles on my legs are getting more defined .. so who knows. It was nice dropping the 30 first pounds fairly quickly ... now Im just waiting for it to get going again ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
FMGRIFF 9/27/06 12:33 P
I gotta agree with LISA_IN_CA. I told my husband right from the start of this that I'm the one that needs to make the decisions to eat right and do my work out. It won't work for me to be nagged or made to feel bad or guilty. In the end all of these decisions ARE our own to make...no one else can. If I take responsibility for the not-so-healthy choices, only I get to take responsibility for all the good choices too. It's about empowering ME to get this done. If I were made to feel bad or guilty, I could only see myself making poor decisions when not around my husband...a self-destructive path.
Thankfully, my husband is the best support I could ever imagine. He appreciates that I'm doing the very best I can to get BOTH of us on a better track nutritionally and he has made every effort to let me know he's proud of me for taking these necessary steps to become more healthy. That's the best support I can have and I'd think it's so much better than negative comments.
LISA_IN_CA 9/27/06 11:11 A
MJCROMP, support her in getting active with her and staying busy with her. To tell her she shouldn't eat certain things may lead her to feel controlled and other negative feelings .. which may lead her to eat more .. especially if she is an emotional eater.
Just get busy with her : ) I would love it if my hub became an active partner with me : )
MJCROMP 9/27/06 12:47 A
I don't know all the details but my wife has been trying to loose and she says i'm not being supportive. If I say something against her eating something she shouldn't she get's defensive. I'm only doing what she asked. I try not to get to into it with her and explain i'm only trying to help and encourage her but.... Maybe you should talk to him about it or take another angle on what he says or does. I think he's only looking out for your best intrest and maybe just not going about it the right way.
LISA_IN_CA 9/9/06 1:20 P
Amanda,
First of all .. hang in there .. you deserve to be in good shape (who cares about the number on the scale) for you and your kids.
I know you want a guy's perspective and yet Im going to put my 2 cents in too.
You need to find someone else for support instead of your husband. He seems to have a lot vested in your losing weight and working out, and you don't need that type of pressure. You need someone who will roll with the punches with you and realize we have bad days .. and hopefully we have more good days : )
Psychologically speaking ... it seems or appears to be *very* important to him that you lose weight .. and maybe the very fact he is this way, makes you hesitate in losing the weight. By him being weight focussed .. he is not focussing on all your inner qualities and maybe that's hurtful to you .. maybe it's not.
Know you can email me anytime on Spark and you have us all to help you get in shape. I KNOW you can do it, and that you need to do it for you : ) You will feel so much better being lighter, at least that's the point where Im at .. enjoying feeling lighter.
Also in regards to your hubby (an dI dont know what kind of shape he is in) .. maybe he simply does not ahve a clue what it is like losing weight and getting in shape. So when you amke your goals and don't meet them, it's aggrevating to him because he feels it's cut n dry .. since you have made the goal of losing weight (without the insight of factoring in all the other stuff that comes with getting in shape). So give him the benefit of the doubt but find someone who can be unconditionally supportive.
You can do it : ) yes you can : )
HEREAMI 9/9/06 9:13 A
As usual there is a lot of good advice here with SP and the caring people here. I think Crazy has made some very good points in that we don’t know much about your situation and that is from one perspective. Men and women do not always communicate well, we do not hear things the same ( or say them the same). (Yes, Buffed Stuff, we guys just have a tuff time understanding you ladies). I also feel that media (even “I Love Lucy”) teaches us to be disrespectful in the name of humor which hurts our communications skills. It sounds as if there is a lot of stress in your lives.
WongerChi brings up another point: common interests. We found these in each other when we were courting (dating); we let children, school, work and other items take over our lives to the point we no longer do the things we did that attracted us in the first place. We were attracted because of the way we had commonalities and we served those interests in each other.
I am a City boy married to a Country girl. When we were dating I learned to feed, water, move and care for animals. I also washed dishes, vacuumed, folded clothes and waited patiently as my “girl” primped to go out with me. If her chores were not completed, we did not go out. What happed after marriage? These were left undone. I had built our relation on these things and then quit. Did she feel mislead, misinformed and mistreated?
So, what is the solution? Crazy like Crazy, it is learning to communicate (verbal and non-verbal) and support (serve like we once did) one another. It amazes me that we will research our hobbies, attend seminars on our careers and study every aspect of television show and spend so little time or effort on our most important relationships. There are some great books, seminars and programs to help couples in the aspects of growing together.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, is a book that works through perceptions and motivation. Particularly that we perceive and are motivated differently, how to recognize your mates love language and to treat them the way they like to be treated. Just because I like to be touched and held does not mean my wife does, she needs me to show her my love through “acts of service.” See http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html
I will also SparkMail you an article on Animal (husband) Training I found intereting. Positive reinforcement on “good” behavior while no reinforcement on “negative” behavior. Determining “good” and “Bad” behavior, that is a whole other topic.
I get carried away and will shut up now. Praying for you and hubby.
BUFFEDSTUFF 9/6/06 7:56 P
nope, I'm not a guy but hey you are damaging your self-esteem this way. maybe it would be better to get support from a female friend. Don't set yourself up to fail this game takes a calm, cool headed approach. No I do not think you are too sensitive but in reality it is probably very hard for a man to understand exactly how you feel. It could also be he feels helpless to help you especially if you talk about it a lot. You can lose the weight but you need too destress and come up with a solid game plan and maybe find someone besides your hubby as a supporter.
CRAZY4BLUES 9/6/06 5:07 P
Without knowing too much about the specifics of your conversations with your DH, I'd say that there are some two-way issues involved. At one point, you asked your husband to tell you how he felt about your weight, and it appears that you didn't like his answer; was he being mean? Do you think he wants you to feel bad?
Also, when you feel too tired to workout, are you beginning to stray from your program, or is it actually a rare day that you miss a w/o? Sometimes, we hate to be reminded of the things we know about the most, no?
I don't know really what to say. It sounds like both of you are under a lot of stress: your husband with work and school; you with weight loss, work, kids, and such. Communication is so key, and it may be that you both need to learn how to have conversations on sensitive subjects. Your husband might be getting defensive because, really, he doesn't want to hurt your feelings with what he might consider "brutal honesty". Again, I'm not sure because I don't know exactly how your conversations g--what's said, what's perceived, what's intended, etc.
Perhaps you two could establish some neutral space for a conversation: no kids, no phones, no immediate deadlines to meet. Then talk it out in a way that is honest and open. I realize this might not be easy, but it sounds like the two of you need to try a different way of communicating.
Just some thoughts to ponder.
WONGERCHI 9/6/06 4:16 P
My 2 cents, take it or leave it...
I think it's good that your DH is trying to motivate you into losing weight. Unfortunately, his methods should involve supporting your efforts, rather than critisising you when you skip a workout or eat something bad. You are allowed to do these things, you are trying to have a healthy lifestyle not go on yet another diet, and that's something to be proud of rather than something to be depressed over!
Do you and hubby have a common exercise interest? Does he also help you eat healthier? My other half and I play squash and run together when she's around (she works in Ottawa and I'm in Montreal so we see each other weekends) - we motivate each other to exercise when one or the other doesn't feel like it. We both like cooking and most times we'll batch cook something during the weekend and then divide it up into portions for weekday lunches, dinners etc.
Seeing as there are some good articles on this site about all aspects of a healthy lifestyle, how about you devise a "weight-loss plan"? You can print out your calorie goals, exercise schedule etc. and plan out what activities you are going to do, for how long, and on what day? Pin it up somewhere and try and educate him as to what you're trying to achieve. That way, he knows what your plans are and when you should be having a rest etc. You have to be a bit cunning though, as guys HATE being nagged - I should know!
Most importantly, if he's gettiing you down, jump on here - these message boards are full of people who will be happy to give you a morale boost!
AMANDAE21 9/6/06 7:00 A
I know this is the 'guys lounge' but I need a guys perspective.
I've been overweight for the last few years (post child weight I've never tried to lose). Well, since January I've been trying really hard on and off to lose it. So far I've kept off about 16 pounds... I lost up to 25 but gained a little back after giving up a few too many times.
Well, my hubby has been trying many different "approaches" to help motivate me. Some have been wonderful (IE cheerful motivation and encouragement), whereas some are quite depressing. Lately he's been really getting me down when I skip a workout or any time I eat ANYTHING bad (even if it is my off day). He doesn't necessarily say anything, it's just the way he acts. If I tell him I'm too tired to work out or if I even ask for help getting back into the swing of things. I don't know if he thinks this is helping or what, but it is doing nothing but making the situation worse. I know I need to work out, but when he says things like "Are you going to work out when I get home?" it seems more like with an attitude and more pushy rather than just a question out of curiosity. He has made me feel pretty crappy over the last few months because every time I seem like I'm losing steem he just gets upset with me. I know men think things they aren't really going to say (IE yeah, your wife may be fat, she may have bad breath because of the herbs she takes, her butt may be extremely unporportionately large, etc...) but we are pretty open with one another and I've flat out asked him several questions like "Do we have less sex because I'm overweight?" "Are you upset with me because I haven't lost the weight yet?" etc... I've heard some pretty depressing replies. When I tell him that I don't want the negativity, he just acts like I'm only saying that because I want him to let me fail. That's not it at all... I need him to be my support system in this. I need his help. But I have tried several approaches to tell him how I feel but none seem to work... I start to tell him, he gets defensive and mad... then I quit because I don't feel like arguing and getting upset with myself for not losing the weight yet.
I have not always been big. When I got pregnant I was about 130 or so. Now at 190 I'm depressed enough as it is, I don't need his negativity to bring me down more.
To top it all off, we are both working parents and he is a college student. He is (and will be for many years to come) under a lot of pressure to perform extra well at work (he's the heir to the company). So between him working around 55+ hours a week (in the field, working on stuff on the computer and paperwork at home, conventions, meetings, etc) and going to school for about 7 hours per week, he is just super stressed. I'm a very positive person and nothing is more helpful to me than being surrounded by positive energy. His negativity and high stress is bringing me down and making it hard for me to stay motivated.
