By: Nancy Howard, SparkPeople Blogger
5/15/2010 12:36 PM   :  236 comments   :  16,913 Views

See More: body image, friendship, weight gain,

For the past year I have had the pleasure of reconnecting with some of my former classmates of 1980. Once a month we come together to sit down and catch up. We talk about old times, our families, jobs and everything in between. We can literally spend hours lost in conversation, laughter and sometimes tears. These great women, many of whom I knew in name only back in the day, have become such a wonderful network of support and encouragement for me.

Having spent most of my life, age 12 to 43, struggling with my weight, I never felt at peace with my body until the past 4 years. High school was a rough time for me. I was always heavier than many of the girls in my class and because of that I never felt like I fit in. I felt like a misfit. Much of that had to do with a lack of self-esteem on my part. I started my first diet when I was 12 and continued off and on until age 43. It’s a legacy I am not proud of, but one that has allowed me to get me to where I am today.

Many of these ladies never had a weight issue in high school so they could not understand, and rightfully so, the isolation of those of us who did. Thirty years later I can see the wisdom that my weight does not define who I am, but at age 15, 16 even 18 it was totally what defined me or what I thought at that time.

So this brings me to my question—Can those who have never struggled with their weight understand the plight of those of us who have?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand we all have struggles, but five years ago when I was forced to reflect on my own life I felt as though I was facing a mountain so high it was hard to see the summit from where I was standing. How could someone who only needed to lose 10 pounds or less relate to me who had to lose 80? How could they understand the emotional baggage of having to shop for an extra large size or larger? How could they understand the fear of being judged every time you went out to eat? Having others peer in your cart at the grocery store to see what you are buying? How could they understand the physical pain in your joints because of carrying the excess weight? The pure fatigue of doing just the simple things in life?

I once had a thin friend tell me years ago to just quit eating and the weight would come off. As simple as that seemed, that is precisely what I had been doing for 30 plus years and it only was making me fatter. She had little patience and more importantly little understanding and compassion.

However, when I started my journey I discovered that my weight issue was more involved than just eating fewer calories and getting in more exercise. While they are both very important and essential to our health, I had to walk the painful gauntlet of why I was using food to suppress my emotions. I was, and still am, to some degree an emotional eater. Food was the first thing I turned to when everything in my life began to spiral out of control. Food became my friend, confidant and comforter. It never judged me and it made me feel good--that was until guilt reared its ugly head. The minute the guilt kicked in was the minute I vowed I would start again the next day only to fail less than an hour into that day. I allowed my perfection to stand in my way of my success.

This journey we are on is one of self-discovery. One I like to call, “the why we do, what we do, when we do it” journey. In all the many years I spent dieting, the one area I failed to master was connecting my emotions to my eating. In other words, I had to stop and ask am I eating out of hunger or to suppress feeling the true emotions in my life.

My friend and I could never see the world in the same way. She believed if only I was better disciplined I could drop the weight. Sadly our friendship drifted apart and we both went our separate ways. That was a little over 7 years ago.

A few months ago I ran into her at my local mall and she was shocked to see how much weight I had lost and to hear that I was running. She was very complementary; however she appeared somewhat uncomfortable since she had put on some weight since we last saw one another and I could tell she wanted to get on her way. We said our good-byes and shared a hug and went about our day, but I was a little saddened that she felt the need to explain to me why she had put on the weight. Unfortunately, this is the most difficult aspect of the journey--and that is not judging ourselves like we feel others judge us. We should never feel as though we owe anyone an explanation unless we believe it will change the path we are on. So while many people may not be able to relate to our plight of having to lose 20, 40, 80, even a hundred pounds or more, our goal is not to change them but to change us.

Do you feel others judge you before they really get to know you? Do you believe those who have never had to deal with weight issues can relate to those of us who have?