Parenting is NOT One-Size-Fits-All
The advice starts pouring in as soon as your belly starts to show.
First, they want to tell you how to give birth. Then, they have wisdom about how to feed the baby. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding--doesn't matter. The world has opinions and those opinions don't care what's working best for you and your child and your lives. Just when you thought no one could have any more to say about food, it's time to start solids. Actually, it probably was time a month ago. Unless you've already started, in which case, that's too early! The food advice slows only when the questions about the big developmental milestones start flowing. ''Is he walking yet? Has she started talking? Here's how you get them ready…''
And of course, there's the mother of all parenting advice: ''Enjoy them now! They grow so fast."
Some of my best parenting tricks have come from the advice of others. My sister taught me how to diaper a baby boy to prevent leaks. My mom helped me learn to ignore the small tantrums of a toddler. I got my boys to at least try everything on their plates thanks to the advice of a blogger. A preschool teacher taught me how to turn on my sons' ''listening ears'' before issuing commands. I'm all for using the wisdom of the masses to make my life easier.
But I've also gotten some really rotten advice, advice that makes life harder if only by its existence. That bit about enjoying them now, for example. I'm all for that when my boys are snuggly and cute, using their listening ears and telling elaborate stories about their imaginary friends. It gets a bit more difficult when they're running away from me in a store or screaming over some imagined slight. Why is it always at this moment that people--generally grandmotherly women--choose to tell me to enjoy every last moment? I know that someday, I'm going to miss them being this little--tantrums and all--but emotionally, at that instant, it feels like they're just being jerks. Cute jerks, perhaps, but jerks nonetheless.
Other bad advice is not unilaterally bad, but just not good for my particular kids. One night at a restaurant, following the advice of I don't know how many mothers and grandmothers, including our well-meaning waitress, we made our oldest take ''just one more bite'' of the fish he'd told us he did not like. He vomited all over the table. Everywhere. I was more traumatized than he was. We still make him try everything on his plate, but once he says he doesn't like something, it's over for that meal.
With my 2-year-old, we had been following all the parenting wisdom that tells you to ignore small tantrums. This advice worked well with my oldest, but the youngest is a different child. Ignoring the first little yells and stomps only allows him to work himself into a tizzy. Pretty soon, he's throwing things and trying to hit you. It's not pretty. We've learned to ignore conventional wisdom and intervene as soon as he shows signs of frustrations.
What's the worst parenting advice you've ever gotten? Is there any conventional advice that just doesn't work for your kids?
Hillary Copsey is a newspaper features editor in Florida with experience writing about everything from population trends to health-care issues. As the mother of two boys, she also is versed in searching for daycares, cooking healthy dinners on the fly and playing with trucks. She co-writes the blog Not raising brats. She writes about parenting for dailySpark and BabyFit.com.
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Comments
Her children are now young adults, all with police records, varing from minor offences to felonies.
I think if they'd been raised right, they would have turned out to be great kids. But she would not take anyones advise and wanted to make her own mistakes.
- 8/19/2012 4:43:39 PM
I might not have kids, but even I know that advice only goes so far. The parent needs to mold the advice into what works for them. If it works for someone else then it *might* work for you, but that's for you to decide. Though, I'm someone who gives advice (then has people dump on me because they're disgusted I might know something they don't when I haven't had the pleasure of having my own children - thank you very much for pointing out that horrendous fact) because I've studied the body, pregnancy, birth, and child rearing for many years (because I wanted to plan ahead for the family I wanted). I do so because I care and I want people to see they have options. How many parents know that newborns only see in black and white, then bold colors, and eventually pastels so to stimulate their brains you should follow that trend with decorating and toys? If someone has their hearts set on having pastel colors surrounding their baby from the first day, then go for it - it won't hurt me if you ignore what I say. But don't tell me that I'm stupid and useless because I haven't been there. Just because I haven't done it myself doesn't mean I couldn't know more thank you think I do. When finding a doctor for your baby do you refuse to see a single male because he's obviously too stupid to treat your child?
*getting off soapbox*
My point is don't deny advice based on prejudicial ideas. Weigh the advice with your knowledge and experience then choose what you believe is best. If what you choose doesn't work, revisit the advice you've gotten, do some research, and try again. A lot of advice is given out of care/love/a want to help, but it's always up to the parent to make the final choice. - 8/15/2012 7:05:36 PM
(...too bad there aren't more people like that!) - 8/15/2012 1:34:33 AM
Build a loving trusting relationship...which requires listening, boundaries and a little faith and trust. Advice is like an opinion ...everyone has some...useful or not!!! - 8/14/2012 10:30:49 PM
My babies are 20 & 25 today and that advice has been true all through their growing years. :) - 8/14/2012 5:08:16 PM
Raising my children I learned that even between a pair of siblings 13 months apart, the form of discipline that was effective could vary a LOT - and almost never needed to be physical and painful. (And as one of several siblings who ALL received physical discipline, aka paddlings, I saw from that perspective how little benefit it did in raising us "proper".) - 8/14/2012 4:11:51 PM
I try very hard not to give parenting advice, and when I was getting that unsolicited advice I'd smile and say thank you, but still did it my own way. My girls are grown now for the most part (the oldest is 22 and away at college while the youngest is 18 and a senior in HS), and I have no regrets at all in how I raised them. I looked at what I liked and didn't like about my own mother's style of raising me, and did what felt right. Before my mother passed away, she told me I was a better mother to my kids than she'd been to me. I disagreed with her. She was a wonderful mother for the difficult child I'd been. (Yeah, I can admit that.)
Every generation is different, and there are no experts on child raising in my opinion. - 8/14/2012 1:25:53 PM
- 8/14/2012 10:50:43 AM
The best advice anyone gave me when I was pregnant with my first child is "Don't take anyone's advice". And that's the only piece of advice I've ever taken :)
I especially hate it when a particular friend tries to tell me how to raise my three children, when she only has ONE, and this child runs the house (as Dr.Phil would say, "the tail wags the dog" in that family).
- 8/14/2012 10:42:00 AM
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