I'm studying to be a yoga teacher. On Day One of training, my palms were sweating, my heart was racing and my mind was running. I would soon have to face my biggest fear in yoga: Inversions.

I had spent the past two years avoiding headstands, arm balances and handstands. "I’m not strong enough," I told myself at first. Soon the strength was there, but the fear remained. In headstand, my hands wrapped around my head and my elbows tucked in, I felt claustrophobic. Add a teacher who just wanted to help me, and I felt even more cramped down there.

I once accidentally kicked a teacher who tried to help me get into headstand. I wasn't ready, and I told her that, but she wanted to help. I felt surrounded by limbs, the room was closing in, and I wanted down. I didn't try again for over a year--at teacher training.

I have some control issues. I like life to happen on my terms. While that doesn't always work, with inversions, it did.

On that first night in teacher training, I watched women kick up for the very first time. Some of these students were brand-new to yoga, and they didn't have that fear. No one had ever told them they couldn't do yoga, that they couldn't do a headstand, so they never took it to heart. I told myself I couldn't, so I didn't.

That night, I set a schedule. I would master headstand (against the wall at first) by the end of training.

I practiced in class that night, and the next two days. I felt frustrated, but I kept with it. The fear was slowly subsiding.

A week later, I visited my mom. Her floors are carpeted--much safer than my apartment, with its circa 1860s hardwood floors and exposed brick walls. I rolled out my mat and started kicking up. I flailed a few times and kicked up. Immediately, I came down.

I was shocked but determined. A few more tries and I was able to stay up for five breaths!

I returned to teacher training the next weekend and didn't share my secret. When it came time for headstand, I moved my mat to the wall, took a deep breath and went for it. I did a headstand. As I rested in child's pose immediately after, I couldn't help but grin from ear to ear.

Fueled by my success with headstand, I decided to set goals for the other inversions and arm balances we frequently do in class: forearm balance, handstand, crane pose and tripod headstand.

I gave myself two weeks to learn forearm stand and a month for handstand and crane pose. Forearm stand came easily enough, and now I'm working on doing it--and headstand--away from the wall.

Handstand continued to elude me. I'm tall, I'm bottom heavy, I don't have enough momentum. The excuses flowed like rain each time we headed to the wall for handstands.

One night, I felt so frustrated, I actually started crying slightly. Why was this so difficult for me?

I squeezed my eyes shut and stayed in child's pose as I tried to fight the vitriol spewing from my mind. "Everyone else can do this. You're the only one. The only one. It's not that hard. What's WRONG with you?"

I was done for the night, but I kept trying. Slowly but surely I was getting there, but I never got more than one leg up against the wall at a time.

It was May 1, and I had not achieved handstand. I was about to give up.

Tired, having spent a restless night and a day eating poorly and feeling worse, I wanted to skip my workout. Just one inversion, I said. It would only take five minutes and would give me some much needed energy.
With mere hours before my deadline would pass, I headed to the mats here in the office. I kicked up a few times. On my third try, I made contact with the wall--with both feet. And I stayed there for five breaths. I felt great!

This time as rested in child's pose, a smile overcame my face.

What changed? I started from standing, I spread my hands wider, and I used more momentum. But most importantly, I stopped beating myself up.

Whether your goal is to do a handstand, run a mile or lose 10 pounds, you have to honor and respect yourself. Beating yourself up and losing faith in your abilities is not ever going to yield results.

My new goals: Headstands away from the wall, tripod headstand (June 1) and peacock pose (July 1).

I love the feeling of being upside down. When I've had a rough day or need an energy boost, a quick headstand--or handstand--is just what I crave. When life feels like it's moving too fast and I need to feel centered, turning the world on its head makes all seem right and clear.

Looking back, I'm glad that I had to learn inversions slowly. Each one revealed itself to me as a gift, and I was able to bask in the bliss of achievement. If that fear hadn't been present, I never would have appreciated the skill, beauty and strength of each pose.

Is there a goal that you've had trouble reaching? Do you beat yourself up? How do you fight your inner critic? For fellow yogis, which pose is/was the hardest for you?