Gift-Giving: Is It Really the Thought That Counts?
By: Dean Anderson,
SparkPeople Blogger
12/9/2008 7:00 PM
: 102 comments
Have you ever had one of those awkward moments where the gift you gave didn’t compare very well to the one you got?
Maybe your gift was a lot cheaper than the one you got, or vice-versa. Or the present you gave was very nice, but pretty impersonal, while the gift you got was obviously selected with a lot of care and thought.
I can still vividly remember quite a few times when a gift I thought was pretty cool got me in the doghouse, for reasons I didn't understand. Maybe this happens to men more often than women, but it definitely takes a lot of the fun out of gift giving for everyone.
If you have a few of these bad experiences in your gift-giving history, the upcoming holidays might be a real source of anxiety and trepidation. Are you going to blow it again? How do you figure out what gift to give? You can’t go overboard just to make sure your present is the best, because that will make the other person just as uncomfortable as you are when your gift is the “inferior” one. Somehow, you have to figure out how to get it just right, and that can be pretty stressful.
Sure, people may say “it’s the thought that counts,” and act like it’s no big deal when a gift comes up a bit flat. And usually, that’s what we actually want to believe.
But obviously this is one of those situations where our thoughts and our feelings aren’t playing by the same rules. Mismatched gifts often do make people uncomfortable. What’s going on here?
Experts say there are probably several things going on. One is that exchanging gifts naturally triggers our innate “reciprocity calculator.” For social animals like us, the ability to recognize when the constant give and take involved in our social relationships is out of balance is pretty crucial for survival. It’s perfectly natural—and necessary—to feel some guilt, shame, or discomfort when we get more than we give, and disappointment, anger, or resentment when we give more than we get. Without these feelings, we’d all be sociopaths, out to get the best of everyone else, and no society or relationship could survive very long.
Just calling something a “gift” doesn’t turn your reciprocity calculator off. In fact, it may even throw it into high gear, especially when gifts are being exchanged with significant others you know well. That’s because we usually expect that the people we are closest to will know us well enough to give us a “good” present—not expensive or fancy, necessarily, but something that suits us and our personal desires pretty well. Another off the rack necktie or a new vacuum cleaner just isn’t going to cut the mustard when you’re looking for something that reflects and expresses your personal connections with the giver.
As this research shows, several other factors also influence reactions to the gifts we get, including gender and the nature of the relationship between giver and receiver.
Unfortunately, though, turning all this information into the ability to pick the right gift for the right person is far from easy or automatic. That still seems to be more art--and good communication--than science.
But at least it might help to know that all this stuff is often going on, whether people are aware of it or not. That way, you can at least talk about problems if they arise, or head them off in advance, instead of feeling like you really are from another planet, or wondering why someone isn’t speaking to you at the moment, despite that great gift you just gave them.
What do you think? Have you had any really bad--or good--gift giving experiences? What have you learned from them?
Maybe your gift was a lot cheaper than the one you got, or vice-versa. Or the present you gave was very nice, but pretty impersonal, while the gift you got was obviously selected with a lot of care and thought.
I can still vividly remember quite a few times when a gift I thought was pretty cool got me in the doghouse, for reasons I didn't understand. Maybe this happens to men more often than women, but it definitely takes a lot of the fun out of gift giving for everyone.
If you have a few of these bad experiences in your gift-giving history, the upcoming holidays might be a real source of anxiety and trepidation. Are you going to blow it again? How do you figure out what gift to give? You can’t go overboard just to make sure your present is the best, because that will make the other person just as uncomfortable as you are when your gift is the “inferior” one. Somehow, you have to figure out how to get it just right, and that can be pretty stressful.
Sure, people may say “it’s the thought that counts,” and act like it’s no big deal when a gift comes up a bit flat. And usually, that’s what we actually want to believe.
But obviously this is one of those situations where our thoughts and our feelings aren’t playing by the same rules. Mismatched gifts often do make people uncomfortable. What’s going on here?
Experts say there are probably several things going on. One is that exchanging gifts naturally triggers our innate “reciprocity calculator.” For social animals like us, the ability to recognize when the constant give and take involved in our social relationships is out of balance is pretty crucial for survival. It’s perfectly natural—and necessary—to feel some guilt, shame, or discomfort when we get more than we give, and disappointment, anger, or resentment when we give more than we get. Without these feelings, we’d all be sociopaths, out to get the best of everyone else, and no society or relationship could survive very long.
Just calling something a “gift” doesn’t turn your reciprocity calculator off. In fact, it may even throw it into high gear, especially when gifts are being exchanged with significant others you know well. That’s because we usually expect that the people we are closest to will know us well enough to give us a “good” present—not expensive or fancy, necessarily, but something that suits us and our personal desires pretty well. Another off the rack necktie or a new vacuum cleaner just isn’t going to cut the mustard when you’re looking for something that reflects and expresses your personal connections with the giver.
As this research shows, several other factors also influence reactions to the gifts we get, including gender and the nature of the relationship between giver and receiver.
Unfortunately, though, turning all this information into the ability to pick the right gift for the right person is far from easy or automatic. That still seems to be more art--and good communication--than science.
But at least it might help to know that all this stuff is often going on, whether people are aware of it or not. That way, you can at least talk about problems if they arise, or head them off in advance, instead of feeling like you really are from another planet, or wondering why someone isn’t speaking to you at the moment, despite that great gift you just gave them.
What do you think? Have you had any really bad--or good--gift giving experiences? What have you learned from them?
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Comments
At work, i participate in a gift exchange called "Alphabetaclause," where you select a letter and design your exchange gift around that letter, then at the party, we drew other letters for which ones to open. For instance, i got to open "T" which contained a Tin with Treats, lottery and Theater Tickets. It's usually just the girls, but the guys got into the act this year, and there were some hilarious gag "wrappings" for the actual gifts. - 12/31/2009 2:21:37 PM
I try to purchase a few small toys and donate to the Salvation Army or toy drives for someone that really needs the items.
For family we pretty much make a list of what we would like to have and everyone buys from the list. Not much surprise but we do get something we can actually use. this works well because we have a small family--just my mom, hubby, sister and her family.
Except for my husband who bought me a box of chocolate for Christmas that I didn't need but he know I love chocolate although I have been trying not to eat any recently. It is a small box and I am just having a piece or two day until it is gone
- 12/27/2009 11:53:04 AM
Every Christmas Eve, I laid in bed worrying, with my heart pounding so hard that I thought it would burst. I just knew that I would be the only one at home that wouldn't get anything from Santa because I had been bad (which I really hadn't). Sleep liked to have never come. Christmas morning, I would awaken by my brothers squealing with delight in the living room. I was afraid to get up and see my brothers' stuff with nothing for me. Mom would call for me to come and see what Santa had brought. (Dad wouldn't even get out of bed). Reluctantly I would come, pausing at the door to steel myself for the disappointment. But I /we kids ALWAYS had something. Mom scrimped and saved through the year to get us a few things at Christmas- candy, a couple of small toys and some clothes. Honestly, I was always THRILLLED to get anything at all - and guilty because I never felt that I deserved anything.
Being so emotionally needy, it is no wonder that I believed in Santa Clause til I was 12 years old! The only reason I quit was one day Mom said, "This will probably be the last year Jim (my 7 year old younger brother) would believe in Santa." Stunned I asked why. Mom replied, "Don't tell me you still believe in Santa!?!" After I getting over the shock, I felt angry and betrayed at the deception.
So although I am in my 50s and a Christian, I have not been able to get over the trauma of childhood Christmas and be able to truly celebrate it the way it should be. I go overboard buying and giving to others, trying to make myself feel worthy of receiving. We have a new pastor at church and I have been thinking about discussing the matter with him to be able to truly celebrate Christmas.
Sorry for this long, depressing post. I just felt the need to finally get this off my chest (Not even my best friend knows that I still believed in Santa til I was 12). Maybe this post will be the beginning of my recovery and from now on Christmas will finally be merry and blessed.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL ! - 12/23/2009 2:40:57 PM
Gifts are an important part of my Christmas experience. Beyond the presents themselves, I am giving a bit of myself to each of my loved ones. - 12/18/2009 2:04:11 PM
Wish lists may seem impractical or impersonal to people but I ask everyone what they want because I refuse to guess what they want only to have it donated like I've had to do in the past and then feel bad they wasted their money. I want to buy something they'll use or want to have but are too cheap to buy themselves. - 11/20/2009 9:22:17 AM
Groovykarma1, I wish you were part of my family, because your thoughtfulness would not have been lost on us.
Tourdoctor, maybe donating money on behalf of your nieces and nephews would teach them to think of someone other than themselves. It sounds like it's a lesson they have yet to learn. - 12/13/2008 11:54:31 PM
So I started just giving gift cards (like American Express Gift Cards) that could be used to buy what they needed or wanted. I included a note in my card stating that I was trimming back on the gift giving and would only send gifts to the minor-aged children. Last year when one of my nieces discovered that I had not included a gift card for the adults she called to tell me that I had forgotten to include it in the package. I explained that I would now send only gifts to the "minor-aged" children. (Gee I have 45 nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews . . . it was just too expensive to send it to all of them. Still with sending it to just the children under 18, I send out over 20 gifts. My niece made me feel I owed it to her to send a gift to her and her husband. This was indeed a wake up call regarding the commercial nature of the current holiday season.
It certainly is not a reciprocity calculator in my case because there have not been any gifts in return. . . nor do I expect any. My only wish is that someone would say thank you . . . send a Christmas greeting card, or even a birthday card. Ummm, I tend to get a birthday card for Southwest Airlines before I get one from one of siblings, nieces or nephews. They have come to expect gifts from their own personal "Christmas lady" . . . I guess I am their Santa and they don't even need to leave me milk and cookies. It use to bother me that they could not even send me a photo from their children's school pictures. All year they don't write or call, but then around the first of December one or two call to let me know their address is the same. The joy of giving has been lost. Don't worry I have already received two calls confirming their addressses so that I could send their gifts to the right address.
Today's parents do not teach their children to express appreciation for the gifts they receive. Obviously we focus on the commercial aspects of the holiday season. The bright lights, the blow-up decorations, the motion activated deer, the fancy ribbons and bows, the electronic games, and other "material gifts" that bring momentary joy but are forgotten a day or two later. The true meaning of Christmas has become a shoppers dream . . . shop shop shop til you drop!
- 12/13/2008 11:20:42 PM
but for people that are bad at picking gifts i usally tell them what i need. so that way i am not disappointed and i didnot spend the money to get it.
or i start telling people what i like, or my favorit colors or telling them what i think is ugly.
our family has a spending limit. $20. if we get 20 dollars from each little group family (sister&kids,mil&fil, grandparents,ect) we would have about 200.
but all in all as long as family is together it dosenot matter. my family has had christmas in july becouse that was when everyone could get together. - 12/12/2008 10:43:47 AM
- 12/11/2008 8:02:47 PM
I never do gift exchanges with people outside my close family. It's not in my budget, and I wouldn't be much good at finding the perfect gift for folks I don't know that well. Instead we throw holiday parties and celebrate our friends that way. When we do white elephant gift exchanges, it's about the fun of the game and not about the quality of the gift, so I don't stress about it.
Happy holidays everyone! May the "gifts" you give and receive bring you joy! - 12/11/2008 4:29:37 PM
- 12/11/2008 2:48:52 PM
If I do get a gift I will not use though I show gratitude for the gift then I re-gift it carefully to someone outside of that person's social group.
My mother is harder because she will buy some things that I will use and somethings that I will not use. Two years ago I asked her to stop buying me clothes. Ironically, this year I actually need clothes because I have lost weight.
This is going to be a horrible Christmas for me because I have no money at all to buy gifts with. I had planned to give baskets of stuff to my extended family that had candles, a gift certificate to Netflix (for a movie), popcorn, chocolate candy and a bottle of Amaretto (for all buy my AA/NA attending cousin and I was going to find something similar for him.)
All I bought before I lost my income were the candles. I figure I will give them the candles and remind them that I couldn't do more this year because I lost my income. On the other hand, I have serious thought about not attending holiday gatherings at all this year.
I understand "it is the thought that counts" but that platitude just doesn't work in real life. People get offended with a gift that does not cost the same as what they gave you. I would rather stop exchanging all together and have Christmas be about giving to charity and just spending time together. - 12/11/2008 1:03:24 AM
I myself appreciate these gifts because I know the giver put a lot of thought and time into it...something that money can't always buy!
Have a good Holiday season everyone! - 12/10/2008 9:43:21 PM
But Christmas is really confusing for me. I used to really enjoy giving gifts, sometimes I would go shopping, sometimes I would make a gift - like a little specialized coupon book. But then there were a few times when I didn't receive anything at Christmas, or any particular "other occasion", and then I felt hurt. I felt left out,and assumed that no one bothered to think of me.
This is challenging, because another part of me knows that I am not ignored by these people, and I know that it is wasteful to just go out and buy "stuff" just to have a gift to give, and maybe they think it is hard to "find the perfect gift for me". But in the end, I don't like Christmas because of all the conflicting feelings and the hype that has nothing to do with the origin of the holiday. - 12/10/2008 8:53:02 PM
I always have to think really hard to figure out what I want when I am asked. Being a very practical person, this year I asked for money for new running shoes and a few Turbo Jam workout dvds. :) - 12/10/2008 7:23:37 PM
Sheri1969 - I think handmade gifts are the most thoughtful. One of the most beautiful gifts that I have ever received was a scarf that my nephew knitted; he was 9 or 10 at the time. He had just started knitting, and this scarf was basically one of the very first things he had ever made and just the second scarf he had ever made. I had seen him working on it. Then, when he (and the rest of my sister's family) came over for Thanksgiving that year, he gave it to me. I cherish that scarf; I tell my nephew that it really isn't a scarf, it's really a big hug because when I wear it it's as though he's giving me a big hug.
Jazzercisegenie - A WII!!! Wow, you are an awesome grandmother!
Lynnot - too funny about the tires. But I think every guy would really like to get a set of tires for Christmas.
53pinkroses - all too often we forget about the true meaning of Christmas. Jesus is the reason for the season. - 12/10/2008 2:56:03 PM
What you CAN do with those gifts that you don't like is 're-gifting'. Just remember WHO gave it to you so that you don't re-gift it to them!
I am far away from my mother and (4) sisters, and it's not typical of me to send each something, but this year was kind to my husband and he had a lot of overtime, so I sent visa gift cards to 2 of my sisters who are struggling financially, 1 sister is getting a cocoa gift set and the other is getting a gift card to Bed Bath & Beyond. My mom is getting a gift certificate to Olive Garden. Did I spend a lot of 'time' on these gifts? No, but I did think about what each of my sisters and my mother need/enjoy and shopped accordingly.
And for those friends who give gifts? I've got some candles that I have wrapped and stashed in the front closet for a 'just in case' so that I don't feel on the spot. Hey, you can't go wrong with candles! LOL - 12/10/2008 2:25:29 PM
http://www.sears.com/shc/s
/dap_10153_12605_DAP_Heroes%20at
%20Home%20Holiday%20Brwse?sid=IMxMC
x20081208x00002
and... below each story you 'click' on... there may be a Wish List of a few items that that family needs...
Also... if you'd like to help our HEROS at Home (Ty Pennington) just type in Sears Christmas- go to the first Official SEARS Site listed- look on the right of their home page and 'click' to take you there. May the RICHNESS of a
B***Balancing all the needs and wants to help to make some wishes come true
L***Loving all the WONDER of all the different 'snowflakes' in our lives
E***Energy to PLAY in the face of all negativity
S***Spirit of Cheerfulness and KINDNESS
S***Success in giving of ourselves to others
E***Encouragement to throw out any TOXIC thoughts that want to harm us or others
D***Devoted to all things GOOD... SPARKPEOPLE... fluffy bunnies... scruffy dogs... LOL!!
holiday be yours! Annie - 12/10/2008 2:10:50 PM
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