Confession: Parenting is Hard (Even for the Experts)
Even though I consider myself to be a parenting expert, with multiple degrees on my wall and years of research under my belt, no textbook or research study could ever prepare me for my role as a parent.
A couple of weeks ago, my 8-year-old son had an outburst (that’s what I’ve termed it), which could be likened to a 3-year-old tantrum with a 13-year-old attitude. I told him to go to his room. He answered, ''I am not going to my room.'' I tried to calmly explain that there would be consequences for his behavior. To this, he responded, ''I don’t care.'' I reminded him that his behavior was rude and inappropriate. He replied, ''No, yours is.'' Through all of this, he went between being defiant and crying. We covered a lot of ground. As I went along, I searched my brain using terms like ''discipline,'' ''defiance,'' ''authoritative parenting.'' My searches eventually came back with ''no results found.'' I was at a complete loss.
Within a couple of days of my realization that parenting was more difficult than I thought and that I was the model for failed parenting, I happened to be on the phone with my friend and colleague who has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and two school-aged children of her own. I learned that our boys, who are six months apart, had both recently relocated to a parallel universe. And, quite frankly, we were both stumped.
It was not until a week or so after the outburst (and some serious consequences and follow-up discussions) that I learned that there are times when we simply do not know what to do as a parent. We do the best we can. We try to remain calm. We try to be the adult and maintain control. We remind ourselves just how much we love that little person who transformed into another person before our eyes. We pray. We bargain. But sometimes, our heads do spin and the world seems completely out of control. And I am here to tell you that it's okay.
My advice this week is to forgive yourself for those moments when you did not have the answer. For every 100 episodes we face with our children, there will undoubtedly be a few in which we find ourselves utterly clueless about how to respond in order to have the appropriate impact. Be a parent; do the best you can. But, remember, sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and know there will be a next time to redeem yourself!
Have your kids ever ''stumped'' you? How did you handle it? Are you forgiving of yourself? Or, do you think too long and too hard about those moments when you maybe didn’t do the right thing or didn’t act quickly enough in the moment?
Michelle Stroffolino Schmidt is Chairperson of the Department of Psychology at Moravian College in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Her research focuses on social and emotional development in childhood and adolescence. She has published research on parent-child attachment, friendship, peer relations, bullying, and mentoring. She has also done consulting work with schools as part of their bullying prevention and intervention programs. Michelle recently published the book Friendships in Childhood and Adolescence (Guilford Press), which explores the significance of friendship from toddlerhood through adolescence. The book examines factors that contribute to positive friendships, how positive friendships influence children’s lives, and interventions for those who have friendship difficulties. Michelle is the mother of a 7-year-old son, William, and a 2-year-old bulldog named Eve. She enjoys yoga, kayaking, writing, and cooking.
A couple of weeks ago, my 8-year-old son had an outburst (that’s what I’ve termed it), which could be likened to a 3-year-old tantrum with a 13-year-old attitude. I told him to go to his room. He answered, ''I am not going to my room.'' I tried to calmly explain that there would be consequences for his behavior. To this, he responded, ''I don’t care.'' I reminded him that his behavior was rude and inappropriate. He replied, ''No, yours is.'' Through all of this, he went between being defiant and crying. We covered a lot of ground. As I went along, I searched my brain using terms like ''discipline,'' ''defiance,'' ''authoritative parenting.'' My searches eventually came back with ''no results found.'' I was at a complete loss.
Within a couple of days of my realization that parenting was more difficult than I thought and that I was the model for failed parenting, I happened to be on the phone with my friend and colleague who has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and two school-aged children of her own. I learned that our boys, who are six months apart, had both recently relocated to a parallel universe. And, quite frankly, we were both stumped.
It was not until a week or so after the outburst (and some serious consequences and follow-up discussions) that I learned that there are times when we simply do not know what to do as a parent. We do the best we can. We try to remain calm. We try to be the adult and maintain control. We remind ourselves just how much we love that little person who transformed into another person before our eyes. We pray. We bargain. But sometimes, our heads do spin and the world seems completely out of control. And I am here to tell you that it's okay.
My advice this week is to forgive yourself for those moments when you did not have the answer. For every 100 episodes we face with our children, there will undoubtedly be a few in which we find ourselves utterly clueless about how to respond in order to have the appropriate impact. Be a parent; do the best you can. But, remember, sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and know there will be a next time to redeem yourself!
Have your kids ever ''stumped'' you? How did you handle it? Are you forgiving of yourself? Or, do you think too long and too hard about those moments when you maybe didn’t do the right thing or didn’t act quickly enough in the moment?
Michelle Stroffolino Schmidt is Chairperson of the Department of Psychology at Moravian College in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Her research focuses on social and emotional development in childhood and adolescence. She has published research on parent-child attachment, friendship, peer relations, bullying, and mentoring. She has also done consulting work with schools as part of their bullying prevention and intervention programs. Michelle recently published the book Friendships in Childhood and Adolescence (Guilford Press), which explores the significance of friendship from toddlerhood through adolescence. The book examines factors that contribute to positive friendships, how positive friendships influence children’s lives, and interventions for those who have friendship difficulties. Michelle is the mother of a 7-year-old son, William, and a 2-year-old bulldog named Eve. She enjoys yoga, kayaking, writing, and cooking.
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Everybody (including 8 year old boys) has things that they enjoy, interests, things that are important to them. With my boys, every new "thing" or activity became an weapon in my arsenal. I rarely spanked/swatted them but they knew that a favorite toy, game, or TV show might become off limits if they misbehaved. I wouldn't make a big deal out of taking things away from them; I just got straight to the point, no discussion. I didn't (and still don't) believe in the "3 strikes" method of thinking. If I'm telling you to stop doing something, that is strike one, two and three. If I had to tell you again, then oh well, you got what you got. Usually I could just give them a warning..."Ok, keep it up and see what happens." What was going to happen was already in my mind, but I didn't tell them. I'd leave the video game console but take the controllers away or I'd leave the computer but take away the keyboard. It's really really hard to play a video game with no controls.
I did have to swat my younger son on the behind when he refused to hold my hand in parking lots (he's always been really old for his age; he told me he could stay home by himself when he was 4 years old). I thought it better to swat his rear rather than have him get run over by a car!
And if you think I was hard, then yes, I'll accept that. Here's my rationale: if they did something out of line or illegal in "the real world," how many chances were they going to get? If a cop tells you to stop and put your hands up, you don't get a number of opportunities to comply. Not cooperating from the start can lead to deadly consequences.
Also, it's easier to loosen the reins, so to speak, as they grow older. You can't give them freedom to do or say whatever they want at age 5 and then scratch your head when they won't obey you at 15. It just won't work. And yes, I just used that ancient term "obey."
You also have to know your children. What works for one may not work for another. My older son HATED to be sent to sit in another room; he was (and still is) more talkative, gregarious and social. In contrast, his younger brother would have LOVED to have been sent to his room. He was (and still is) very much a quiet loner who enjoyed shutting himself up in his room and being by himself. The younger one, I would make stay right by my side or help me with chores, which he didn't like. He wanted to be left alone, but I wouldn't do that! Sorry, but if solitude is what you like, then you don't get any.
The other thing that really kept me focused was to believe in what I termed my family mission statement; that we ALL respect each other. We are not always going to like each other, but we can still respect each other. I never talked to my parents any which way, even when I was grown and had children of my own. I wouldn't allow my sons to disrespect me, their father, or each other (or rather, you'd better not let me hear it!). I expected everyone to respect each other. I might disagree with my husband, or he with me, but there is always that level of respect.
By the way, my sons are now are young men who live at home (one works full time, saving his money and the other is a full time college student) and we get along very well. I enjoy them still being around the house. But to this day if their dad tells them to take care of a chore, they do it right away...with me, it might take a little while longer, but I'm ok with that. - 10/11/2012 5:58:01 PM
I was raised back in the dark ages (before Dr. Spock), and corporal punishment for boys was the norm after a certain point. Even though I raised two sons during the start of the no corporal punishment era. my sons needed an occasional "pop" or two to get their attention.
What mom's seem to forget is that they think differently than men or boys do. Mom's, like all women, strive for a consensus and are so very concerned with "feelings" that they can often confuse boys, and the men in their lives. Women circle around a subject and come at it from multiple directions. Boys and men don't understand that sort of action. OK, there are some men who do, but they are the exceptions rather than the rule.
Ladies, have you ever had your husband, father or significant other tell you, "Just get to the point"? It's because men see the problem, focus on the problem, find an answer and go directly to solve the problem.
Also, most women don't realize boys brain-flow and emotions are filtered through their backside up until a certain age, then those "emotions" just rotate towards the front.
My oldest son initially totally followed my DIL's wishes on parenting. It didn't work at all until he reached three, and by 4 1/2 my grandson realized that no matter how badly he acted, there were no consequences that he couldn't handle. Setting him in the corner facing the wall? He told himself stories, out loud. Send him to his room and tell him he couldn't play with his toys? That worked until my son or DIL left the room, or he simly laid down and napped the designated time away.
The only time his behavior changed was when Grandpa (me) was around. If he was acting like a little brat, my voice would rise and he would get the "Grandpa Glare" and his actions would change. After about a year, Grandpa's glare started to wear off. One day, while babysitting, his behavior towards his younger sister was absolutely unconscionable. I took him by the hand and quick marched him to his bedroom, closed the door and, with a loud voice, told him his actions were unacceptable and proceeded to tell him what would happen if he continued to treat his sister in such a manner. When I got to the escalating punishment that mentioned corporal punishment (swats on the backside), he really paid attention. When my son got home, I told him what I had done, and considering their parenting style, if they'd rather I not come over again, I'd accept that (it would have broken my heart, but I would have done it).
My son told me that he had become very frustrated with my grandsons behavior and that he sometimes just had to leave the house because of the lack of response to reason, and he thanked me for helping my grandson understand that consequences escalated to where that punishment would include corporal punishment.
In no case do I want to include as corporal punishment any punishment that involves leaving bruises or blood - no switches, no swats except on the seat of their pants. Boys just barely understand logical reasoning and emotional pleas by the time they get to high school. "IF" they are very studious during those years (and playing sports is a big part of learning discipline), they have a good base to stand on.
Corporal punishment also prepares them for the real world. From grade school on, they are going to face bullies and idiots. At some point, they (boys) will have to use corporal punishment to protect themselves.
Ladies, just take a moment to think on your mans non-work likes. Is he drawn to reading poetry, going to the ballet and symphonies - or is he a hunter, a guy who likes watching football, basketball, boxing or ice hockey on television. Does he like to be outside playing softball, lifting weights or other "manly" things like heavy yard work?
For boys, and men, you can accomplish much, but from the very first, you have to initially get their attention.
raising girls is completely another story. When my two granddaughters got old enough to understand reason and logic, they were also old enough to know the power of tears. FACT: There is a pheromone in women and girls tears that generally make men less volatile. That's the main reason that daughters and granddaughters can wrap us around their little fingers.
Oh yeah. If you use tears in a difference of opinion (or "fights") with your man - we think you are fighting dirty.
PS: I love every one in my family, DIL, sons, wife and grandchildren. But if anyone ever hurt them - it would be "Katie, bar the door". If that phrase is something you don't understand, ask someone who grew up in the south or west and are over 55. - 10/11/2012 3:03:17 PM
- 10/11/2012 9:38:39 AM
Thank God, our grown kids are all doing well. As my mother-in-law used to say, "Little children, little problems; big children, big problems." And I always try to remember that "It ain't over till it's over." In other words, this too, shall pass. - 10/11/2012 1:44:02 AM
To all of us, I say good luck and they do leave eventually! - 10/10/2012 10:59:00 PM
I stil remember the" LALALALALALALA i am not listening to you"
But as you said we must forgive ourselves (and them) they still love us and we them.
- 10/10/2012 7:00:17 PM
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