Are You Always Trying to do Everything for Everyone?
By: Jen Mueller,
SparkPeople Blogger
4/6/2012 2:00 PM
: 35 comments
: 9,964 Views
I like to write blogs based on subjects I can relate to because I think what I’ve written ends up being more interesting. If that’s the case, this should be the most interesting thing I’ve ever talked about because I felt like the results of this study were speaking directly to me. And I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Being a mom is a very rewarding job. But if I’m honest, I’ll admit that it’s also very hard and sometimes very stressful. I don’t make it easy on myself, because I feel like I have to do everything for everyone, all the time. My husband has always been more than willing to help out in any way that I ask. But he works long hours and his paycheck makes it possible for me to work part-time and be home with our kids a lot. So I feel like the home is my responsibility. When he is home, I want him to be able to spend time with the kids instead of cooking dinner, folding laundry, cleaning, etc. That’s just part of the reason I try to do everything. I know I’m making myself sound like I’m a very traditional housewife, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s funny that I don’t consider myself to be traditional at all.
This mentality I can’t seem to get rid of has put a lot of pressure on me. I feel guilty going out and doing things alone because I know how hard it can be to manage three little ones at home on your own. At the same time, I start to feel burnout when I don’t get much free time to myself. I’ve always felt like I’m the crazy mom who can’t seem to find balance, while everyone else has it all figured out. That is, until I read a recent survey conducted by Real Simple magazine and the Families and Work Institute.
The survey, published in the April 2012 issue of Real Simple, asked over 3,000 women questions about how they manage their time, specifically free time. The majority of the women surveyed say they do most of the housework and chores themselves. One in three said they don’t delegate tasks to their spouse/partner because they feel like it won’t get done to their standards. Oh boy, this is me. My husband is willing to take on regular chores around the house. But he never gets them done fast enough or exactly the way I’d prefer, so in the end I decide it’s easier for me to do it myself.
According to the survey, “61% of women overall feel guilty when they choose to spend time on themselves.” Oh boy, that’s me too. It’s funny how I went from doing things for myself all the time before kids, to doing almost nothing for myself now. It’s not because others don’t encourage me to, it’s because I’m stubborn and not easily convinced to change.
“When asked which chore they would like to get off their plates the most, women overwhelmingly said “cleaning.” Yet surprisingly, the second-place response was “nothing,” which implies that women may actually enjoy their daily tasks—or are so used to doing them, they can no longer distinguish work time from leisure time in their minds.” Leisure time? Can you tell me again what that is, exactly? Just kidding.
Can you relate? Even if you don’t have children or your kids are grown, do you tend to shoulder most of the household responsibilities? Are you able to make time for yourself? How do you do it?
Being a mom is a very rewarding job. But if I’m honest, I’ll admit that it’s also very hard and sometimes very stressful. I don’t make it easy on myself, because I feel like I have to do everything for everyone, all the time. My husband has always been more than willing to help out in any way that I ask. But he works long hours and his paycheck makes it possible for me to work part-time and be home with our kids a lot. So I feel like the home is my responsibility. When he is home, I want him to be able to spend time with the kids instead of cooking dinner, folding laundry, cleaning, etc. That’s just part of the reason I try to do everything. I know I’m making myself sound like I’m a very traditional housewife, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it’s funny that I don’t consider myself to be traditional at all.
This mentality I can’t seem to get rid of has put a lot of pressure on me. I feel guilty going out and doing things alone because I know how hard it can be to manage three little ones at home on your own. At the same time, I start to feel burnout when I don’t get much free time to myself. I’ve always felt like I’m the crazy mom who can’t seem to find balance, while everyone else has it all figured out. That is, until I read a recent survey conducted by Real Simple magazine and the Families and Work Institute.
The survey, published in the April 2012 issue of Real Simple, asked over 3,000 women questions about how they manage their time, specifically free time. The majority of the women surveyed say they do most of the housework and chores themselves. One in three said they don’t delegate tasks to their spouse/partner because they feel like it won’t get done to their standards. Oh boy, this is me. My husband is willing to take on regular chores around the house. But he never gets them done fast enough or exactly the way I’d prefer, so in the end I decide it’s easier for me to do it myself.
According to the survey, “61% of women overall feel guilty when they choose to spend time on themselves.” Oh boy, that’s me too. It’s funny how I went from doing things for myself all the time before kids, to doing almost nothing for myself now. It’s not because others don’t encourage me to, it’s because I’m stubborn and not easily convinced to change.
“When asked which chore they would like to get off their plates the most, women overwhelmingly said “cleaning.” Yet surprisingly, the second-place response was “nothing,” which implies that women may actually enjoy their daily tasks—or are so used to doing them, they can no longer distinguish work time from leisure time in their minds.” Leisure time? Can you tell me again what that is, exactly? Just kidding.
Can you relate? Even if you don’t have children or your kids are grown, do you tend to shoulder most of the household responsibilities? Are you able to make time for yourself? How do you do it?
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Comments
I think it's important for our mental health to delegate household responsibilities - not to mention, it's important for our children to learn the skills while they still have us as (hopefully patient) teachers! - 4/10/2012 4:36:49 PM
I don't get that whole bit about "standards." Is it more important that every chore be done only one way, or that the chore gets done? It's that kind of arrogant thinking that leaves women holding the bag, be it a laundry bag or a grocery bag.
My husband does the bulk of the laundry, he cooks, he cleans (better than I do!).
I think some men actually screw up chores on purpose so that the woman will take them over. Not me. After he messed up a couple of my articles of clothing, I simply decided to wash those things I don't want ruined and let him take care of the rest.
He cared for the boys when they were little. I say that before a woman has a child with a man, she should ask herself this question: "If I dropped off the face of the earth, would he be able to care for the children?"
I can honestly say that we have a great relationship now that the children are grown because we both did what needed to be done. I almost never felt angry from having "to do it all."
We've taught the boys how to cook and clean; I wouldn't expect them to treat their girlfriends or wives like hired help when the day comes because just like me, the women in their lives will most likely be working outside the home also. - 4/10/2012 9:25:43 AM
Me time = my daily commute to and from work.
Hoping for more balance when my children get a little older, and I get a little wiser.
As an only child, I wasn't spoiled, because I did *all* the chores at our home when I was growing up including lawncare and laundry. Maybe because it was just my mother & I?
Best of luck to you. - 4/7/2012 11:30:00 PM
We girls/women just have that nurturing instinct
to always do for others and not ask for help.
There is NOTHING WRONG with asking for
or needing help.
HAPPY Easter all ! - 4/7/2012 8:36:29 PM
My husband went from knowing how to do nothing, his mother did everything to being an excellent cook and assuming most of the household chores. This brought him closer to the kids than most fathers.
My kids also learned to use a washing machine before they were 12, learned to cook and clean early on. We shared things, together. My youngest is now 30 and all four kids call almost every day, we see our grandchildren at least once a week.
So ease up on yourself. If you spend the day playing in puddles with the kids and grandchildren, the housework, laundry etc will still be there tomorrow. - 4/7/2012 9:37:36 AM
(Anyone else read the "active couch potato" article in last weekend's NYT?)
Take heart: never getting a chance to sit down is good for you! - 4/6/2012 3:29:29 PM
My husband may not do things the same way I do, but that doesn't mean they aren't right. While in the hospital after my c-section, Daddy was home with our 4 year old all week. You should have seen the outfits she wore! HA! - 4/6/2012 2:55:47 PM
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