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9 Things You Should Never EVER Say to Your Husband

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By: , – Erin Whitehead
9/5/2011 6:00 AM   :  25 comments   :  1,105,718 Views

See More: family, relationships,
Communication is the foundation of any good marriage. When you're with someone day in, day out, for years on end, issues are bound to crop up. If you think a topic warrants a discussion, you should absolutely feel comfortable discussing it with your husband. But certain issues, like friends, weight and the bank account, might be hot-button issues that need to be treaded upon lightly. From serious to silly, here are nine things you should probably never say to your husband.  
  1. "I hate your best friend."
    Even if you have a beef with his obnoxious best friend, odds are they've got quite the history. Think how you'd feel if your husband despised your BFF—and made that known. If he (or she) isn't your favorite person but is harmless enough, suck it up for the sake of their friendship. If you make sure they get plenty of buddy time by not getting jealous when they go watch a game, you won't be forced to spend too much time with him and odds are you'll be able to get a pedicure guilt-free. If there are legitimate concerns, like said friend still likes to bar hop while you prefer your hubby be home, air those concerns without making it personal.
     
  2. "Ryan Gosling is hot" (...for the hundredth time).
    Hubby probably didn't mind the first few times you gushed about how hunky you find Ryan Gosling. But he doesn't need to see you fanning yourself every time you see a preview with your favorite Hollywood hunk. Besides, you know he finds Jennifer Lawrence drool-worthy, but you don't need to hear it every time you see her flash on the screen, do you?
     
  3. "I hate when you…"
    Oftentimes it's not what your complaint is but how that complaint comes across when you air it that gets a conversation off to a bad start. Starting out with "hate" is a surefire way to put someone on the defensive. Likewise, accusing someone of "always" or "never" doing something is a confrontation waiting to happen. "This bothers me" comes across less harshly and positions you both to discuss the situation than any of those other loaded words.
     
  4. "Is your hair thinning?"
    He has a mirror. He has eyes. Odds are, he knows if his once-thick locks aren't quite as luxurious as they once were. Don't mention it unless he specifically comes to you seeking advice. If he is insecure about it, mention Bruce Willis. Hello, hottie!
     
  5. "You need to start working out" and 6. "You need to lose weight."
    Whenever weight is an issue, the person bringing up the topic needs to be sensitive to the other. It's fine to be concerned about a partner's weight gain and to broach the subject, but to spout directives as to what they "need to do" to take care of the problem could open up a can of worms and make you come across as bossy and controlling. Instead, you could mention that you've noticed that he has gained a few pounds and you've been trying to figure out how you can get more active or eat healthier meals. Make it a partnership of support, rather than weighty accusations for a much smoother conversation.  Learn more about helping the people you care about get healthy.
     
  1. "That's all you ran/lifted/worked out?"
    Don't belittle someone's efforts; be glad they're making an effort to work out and get healthy (and likely, look good for you)! A simple "way to go!" gives encouragement to your partner's efforts.
     
  2. "I wish you made more money."
    He probably wishes that, too. And likely, I bet he wishes you made more money as well. Saying something like this is only going to discourage him and make him feel inadequate. Instead, take responsibility yourself. Money can be a big area of contention in a relationship, but saying something like "I'm going to ask for a raise; I think you should too" or "Let's take a look at our budget to see if we can make any cuts" gets to the heart of the matter without being accusatory or belittling.
     
  3. "We are not buying that."
    Most couples have money rules they follow, like not making big purchases without involving the other person. If he's looking at the newest big screen TV or smartphone but hasn't broached the subject and had a serious purchasing discussion, he's likely in the early stages of dreaming about that object of his affection. Let him look and enjoy the idea rather than crushing his technology (or other "toy") dreams. If he truly wants it, he'll bring it up—and you can discuss it then.

There should never be a pink elephant in the room when it comes to your marriage, and airing concerns is a fundamental part of the partnership. Just make sure you consider how you'd want to be approached on a topic before you bring it up to him because guys are sensitive souls, too. And just between us: How about that Ryan Gosling?

Have you learned from experience something you'll never—ever—say to your husband again?

About the Author

Erin Whitehead is a health and fitness enthusiast who co-founded the popular website FitBottomedGirls.com and co-wrote The Fit Bottomed Girls Anti-Diet book (available May 2014). Now busier than ever with two kids, she writes about healthy pregnancy and parenting at FitBottomedMamas.com.


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Comments

  • PMSEDOFTEN
    25
    now I have to start watching my 'p's and 'q's with my hubby? I DON'T THINK SO. He is the one person I should be able to tell anything to and hash it out between us and no one else. if something is said/taken the wrong way, you have the right to ask what was meant and then discuss, but I will NOT hold my tongue because he may be too sensitive to hear what I have to say and I would not expect him to either. We have been together 22 years, it is his opinion I want to hear, and when I have a grievence with him, I will tell him about it and we will work it out, but I WILL NOT hold my tongue, "P"'s & "Q"'s or anything else. I will say what I have to say and if HE has questions we will talk it out. So if he never, ever puts the trash out, I am going to let him know it. If he never, ever puts the seat down(he doesn't) I will let him know it.
    AND................I do expect him to say something if he has a similar gripe, not to just sit on it, but to voice his opinions on the matter and I will respond to it.
    Marriage is a 2-way street and a lot of work-worth doing the job well, but by no means should someone not say what they feel, because that is not a marriage-that is walking on eggshells and that is a no-no in a marriage.
    - 3/24/2014   12:51:23 PM
  • PUPPYLOVEDONE
    24
    I know a woman who had some children from her first marriage. When she was with her second husband, she told him that her children come before him. True, the children are important. But children should NEVER come before your spouse, no matter if the spouse is the husband or wife. The correct order of importance: God, Spouse, Children, Others, Self. If we are talking about an abusive relationship, TAKE THE CHILDREN WITH YOU & GET THE h+++ OUT! - 3/20/2014   5:56:07 PM
  • SAMTHEAMSOILMAN
    23
    So many great comments, all meant to be loving your neighbor as yourself ! - 1/26/2014   7:49:19 PM
  • USERNAME1977
    22
    I challenge #1 - the idea that not having an orgasm automatically means you didn't enjoy sex. I am one of those people - and there are many of us - who have difficulty reaching orgasm, and I most certainly enjoy sex with my husband nonetheless! I also challenge the NOT lying about it, for the specific reason that constantly hearing "no, I didn't" is worse on a relationship than a white lie that hurts no one. It's not his fault that my body is made this way - I learned this about myself long before he came along - there is nothing he can do about it. - 1/24/2014   12:51:40 PM
  • ECORDERO
    21
    ECHO4TEXAS - exactly. So well worded. Appreciate good things when you have them, as opposed to regretting them when they're gone. The hissing momma cat one was too funny. - 1/21/2014   10:58:02 AM
  • ECHO4TEXAS
    20
    I find it curious that this is your 'worst list.' I tended to my mother for a few years in an assisted care living facility and the most common statement from the widows was they wished they had not been so hateful to their husbands. Great, realize being bitchy to the man who looked after you for decades was of low moral character, AFTER he died. Why not have a list of things to say to your partner? : Like thanks, I like seeing you when I wake up, life would not be as good if you and I had not gotten married, I like the way you-----------------, or not only do I like you, I love you. Hey women out there, make an effort to be as good as you claim you are because sitting around like an old fat momma cat hissing at everyone that walks by got old years ago. Grow up, mind your manners and say yes dear every once in awhile. - 1/18/2014   8:00:38 PM
  • 19
    my husband keeps saying that I could never hurt a fly and could make a lion calm. For people I care about I usually think thru before I speak. Great article. - 8/21/2013   12:48:23 PM
  • MARKLE6
    18
    My xwife exclaimed, "I just had a thought!" I replied, "Did it hurt?"
    She didn't think that was very funny. - 7/17/2013   9:20:07 PM
  • SMEADO
    17
    When my wife doesn't have an orgasm, she hits me. - 7/15/2013   4:24:21 PM
  • 16
    My husband and I have a wonderful marriage, but I do tease him because his sense of humor is similar to his father's. Sometimes he'll make a joke and I'll say, ''You're just like your father!'' And he gives me the evil eye and says, ''Someday... someday, when you least expect it, I will say this about your mother and I will have my revenge.'' - 7/13/2013   8:12:15 PM
  • GIANT-STEPS
    15
    As the sensitive new age guy I am I thought that a guy who has sex without making sure his partner climaxed was selfish. My wife finally clued me in that she doesn't even want an orgasm every time. Now that we have kids and both work she doesn't really have the time and energy to for extended romantic interludes every time. Once or twice a month we leave the kids with a relatives and clear a few hours of time for each other and do the whole 9 yards and the rest of the time we have quickies. - 9/15/2011   3:06:42 PM
  • 14
    Who was it that decided that putting down the toilet seat is a man's job? I decided a long time ago that instead of getting upset, I would leave the seat up for him - it works wonders because now I leave it up for him and he puts it down for me. Kind of like marriage - give and take, compromise and decide what is too important to put down or what may just be too important for him to put down. - 9/6/2011   5:16:35 PM
  • 13
    I do some of these things but when I say "you're just like your father" it's a compliment because his dad is a stand-up family man who thought nothing of working 2 jobs to support his family if that's what it took. My DH is a very responsible, caring man because of his dad (& mom). I tell him they raised a very good son. - 9/6/2011   11:18:05 AM
  • 12
    Great article!!! I'm happy in a 28 yr marriage because these were some of the things I learned early on... - 9/6/2011   10:16:33 AM
  • GAILSFITNESS
    11
    It helps to voice what you appreciate in the partner rather than dwelling on what isn't PERFECT. - 9/6/2011   7:01:15 AM
  • 10
    I think unhappy people are often over weight. Your mental, emotional and spirtual health are tied to your physical well being. It was definitely true in my case. An unhealthy relationship caused me to withdraw from friends and family. I didn't exercise. I ate poorly and for comfort. I gained weight. I think this is a very pertinent blog. - 9/5/2011   9:01:13 PM
  • DIABETICLADY
    9
    I've been married to my husband for ALMOST 46 years. In those 46 years, we learned that the PERSONAL PRONOUN "I" doesn't work well in a relationship but the PERSONAL PRONOUN "We" means that teamwork leads to a SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. - 9/5/2011   1:29:45 PM
  • 8
    It's nice to see a blog about some aspect of "healthy" living that does NOT have to do solely with weight loss. Isn't the point of healthy living learning to live "holistically"...that is to heal and nurture the entire "system" of our beings...mind, body, and spirit? I would think that of all people, Sparkpeople members would comprehend the message that we are more than our bodies...overweight or not! - 9/5/2011   1:27:26 PM
  • 7
    @Lorthom2001 - It's a *healthy lifestyle* blog. Not a weight loss blog. - 9/5/2011   12:41:24 PM
  • 6
    I do some of these things, I will try to be more mindful of them. - 9/5/2011   12:35:10 PM
  • LORTHOM2001
    5
    this is all well and good, but i have some nuances about the post: what does "how to speak to one's partner" (had an orgasm or not, his father's similarity, etc.) have to do with losing weight? - 9/5/2011   11:25:32 AM
  • CATHYCH1
    4
    I agree If you can't say something nice' Don't say anything - 9/5/2011   9:49:22 AM
  • SAMSUETWO
    3
    My best advice comes from Wayne Dyer who says when you have the choice to be right or kind, pick kind! This is probably some of the best advice you can get because by having to be right, you are making the other person wrong which is not good for any relationship. - 9/5/2011   9:36:46 AM
  • BARBARASCH
    2
    when I learnt one thing in the past, it is the "I message". Don't use "you always" or "you never", but say "for me it is..." or "I have the feeling that...". There is a difference between the sending message and the received message. I try to point out what the situation means for me. It doesn't work all the time because sometimes my temper takes over and I get a fit.. but I am working on it and got a lot better with growing older ;)) - 9/5/2011   9:36:03 AM
  • GMAGEE
    1
    I agree with the advice about not using the words "You always..." or "You never...".

    Just treat each other with respect and dignity. That goes a long way. - 9/5/2011   9:15:09 AM

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