10 Lessons on Being a Girlfriend to Someone Going Through Cancer
By: Stepfanie Romine,
SparkPeople Blogger
10/29/2008 11:18 AM
: 54 comments
Girlfriendology founder Debba Haupert made her debut as a guest blogger on the dailySpark last month, when she wrote about the importance of forging friendships, in honor of National Women’s Friendship Day! Now that girlfriend guru is back, with plenty of good advice culled from interviews and chats with her own girlfriends.
You probably know a woman who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. There are 2 million breast cancer survivors in the U.S. alone. It is the most common cancer in women in the U.S. and, until a cure is found, the survivors and all their friends will continue to deal with the challenges, fear, sadness and grief that this evil disease can bring.
What cancer also brings is often a confusion or hesitation in how to be a friend to a girlfriend dealing with it. We’re scared for our friend, many of us fear our own mortality, and many of us just don’t know what to say. So, we do two things:
- We talk about it--and hope we don’t say the wrong thing.
- We don’t talk about it--and risk losing our friendships out of fear or uncertainty.
In honor and observation of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, here are 10 lessons on being a girlfriend to someone going through cancer, chemotherapy and the incredible stress, worry, fear and emotion it involves.
The lessons come from friends of mine who were kind enough to share their honest opinions and insights. They have undergone treatment for breast cancer and are (very thankfully) living with vitality and determination--which is wonderful. However, this is a very difficult topic for many people, and every woman faces cancer differently, so please take into account that one woman’s needs can differ from another’s.
Here’s how to be a good girlfriend during a difficult time:
- Provide encouragement: Sometimes a woman is looking for a friend simply to affirm that she is doing all the right things and that she’s going to be OK. Remind her of her strengths and victories, uphold her decisions and encourage her to keep going.
- Listen: Listen without judgment, whenever it’s needed. Avoid easy answers or telling her to buck up and be strong. There are times when cancer can be overwhelming, and she needs to talk about it. Be the person she needs--and simply listen. Let her process her thoughts aloud, listen and care.
- Offer help: Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” ask precisely what you can do. Ask your friend if she’d like you to bring dinner, do laundry, babysit or go grocery shopping for her. Offer to help by doing Internet research on treatments and remedies. Identify what needs to be done and ask if you can help her by doing it.
- Cheer her up: Do things that really help and buoy spirits. Knit or buy her a pair of fuzzy pink socks. Give her an inspiring book. Celebrate the end of each treatment with champagne. Give her a gift certificate for a massage or a manicure. Help her deal with the hair loss--take her wig shopping, buy a hat or buff for her or, as my girlfriend Penny did, shave your head in solidarity. (See the photo!)
- Be understanding: Plato said “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Your girlfriend is going to have good and bad days, so be patient on those days when she may say something she might not mean or not mean it the way it sounded. She is fighting a life-changing battle and deserves your patience, grace and understanding. Don’t take things personally… cut your girlfriend some slack.
- Help her communicate: She may not want to talk about cancer all the time. While she’ll appreciate your interest in how she’s doing, it can be wearing to go through all the details again and again. Help her set up a blog or start a chain phone list for updates.
- Laughter is the best medicine: Lend her your romantic comedy movies or books, or take her to a chick flick--just make sure there are no cancer storylines. Send her funny cards or wrap up silly presents so she has fun gifts to open. Be flexible with your time--and jump at the chance to be with her when she’s feeling good. Back off when she cancels because she’s feeling not so good. Take off time from work if needed (and if you can) to be with her.
- Offer inspiration: We all need inspiration, reassurance and optimism. Share stories of people who have gone through the same thing and are doing well years later. It’s even better if you can connect your friend with those people so they can talk to them. Never talk about people who have died of cancer or are not doing well.
- Friendship endurance: Be in this friendship for the long haul. There are going to be good and bad days, weeks, and months. Be her friend no matter what, and even when the treatments seem to go on forever--that simply means that she’s still your girlfriend. Continue to be there for her.
- Celebrate life: Look for opportunities to be together, to share memories and moments to remember, go on an adventure or explore together, laugh together and cry together when needed. See the beauty in each day as her friend and let her know that. Celebrate each day of friendship.
And, in observation of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, remember that early detection is the best protection so practice self-exams and mammograms for your own health. Girlfriends need to remind each other that as well.
We each get to choose the way we respond to life. In the case of having a friend with cancer, we need to be sensitive to her needs and to be available to listen and help her. Yes, we may feel scared, worried or helpless, but this is our time to be a friend. Step up if/when needed and keep your friend laughing, feeling loved and assured that you’ll be there for her. That’s what girlfriends do.
Girlfriendology is the online community for women based on inspiration, appreciation and celebration of female friendship.
Founded by Debba Haupert in 2006, Girlfriendology inspires women to make new female acquaintances, spend time with their girlfriends, and appreciate those friendships that are vital to women’s health and happiness. Girlfriendology.com features inspiring women in semi-weekly podcasts, contests to share girlfriend stories and provides videos, shopping, reviews, blogs and more. Photos: courtesy of Debba Haupert
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Comments
I was blessed to spend significant time with my best friend as she battled the last few months of her life, and these tips are absolutely true. The blog brought back memories of this difficult , sad but also special time. We talked, we laughed, we sat quietly. I listened as the pain and illness caused despair in her and when she talked about not wanting to be strong anymore but just to let go, I supported her. She sang happy birthday to me on one of my visits and made sure her husband had a cake for me. What a wonderful memory.
Peace. - 10/23/2010 9:26:28 PM
Finally I went against my father's insistance, and told Mom I knew what was going on. I'm SO grateful to have had those last nine months with her in full knowledge - we truly became the best of friends. This was back in the mid-70's - WHY was cancer considered such a dirty word back then? When I was diagnosed in 1992, I wasn't ashamed! What a difference almost 20 years makes...
MY #1 help? LAUGHTER, LAUGHTER, LAUGHTER! (Plus, being honest with my children.)
Thank you for this informative advice! - 10/14/2009 2:55:08 AM
My mom who was scared and worried, lives on the east coast. She didn't have the money to fly to AZ to help me (she also had her own problems-2 heart surgeries). She jumped at the chance when my husband paid for her flight. She came and helped with suppers, babysitting, and cleaning along with my 2 daughters. These three women are my best friends but they still didn't like me talking about the cancer because I think it scared them more than it did me.
Your blog offers so many great ways to be a friend. I'm sure everyone appreciates it. THANKS - 4/17/2009 9:50:57 AM
The year I lived and experienced cancer was a life changing event that I will never forget and I feel blessed that I experienced it. I was allowed to be there all night after the first of many surgeries and sat with her everyday while the interferon was piped through her body to speaking for her when she had no voice.
Ten years later Tami is still alive!!! Yay..... I believe it has alot to do with God, attitude and the special angels that I gave her with prayers tucked inside them to empower them.
Cancer is tough and an ugly disease, that year Tami and I bonded and we have something that is so special... words just can't expalin it. - 11/30/2008 9:50:51 AM
My sister-in-law has bone cancer, she is bed ridden now and takes about 13 different kinds of medication daily for pain ..... My brother came down about 3 weeks ago..... He looked so tired from working too many hours at work to make ends meet...... He's in pain too, but b/c to see his wife this way..... He does provide a lot for her and times he's with her being in so much pain...... Whenever they go out, she is confined to a wheelchair.... When I met her over 10yrs ago, she looked so healthy that nothing could take her down..... She does not get out that much anymore and she is only 55yr/old.
Debra, thank you for sharing this article and all us cancer survivor thank you....... - 11/1/2008 5:58:40 PM
Please visit www.thebreastcancersite.com . It's only a click a day, and they provide free mammograms! - 10/30/2008 7:08:53 PM
I have been wearing the same scrub jacket to work all month in support of Breast Cancer awareness. I had 5 friends with breast cancer. Now the one, 45, with 3 little kids has gone to be with the Lord just the 24th. and buried the 29th. So very hard, and sad. She fought hard and long...4 years from diagnosis....God bless all of you who deal on a daily basis with this disease. - 10/30/2008 10:44:51 AM
My husband's aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago & while she is several hundred miles away, we would call her. On our vacation, earlier this year we stopped by to visit on our way to the airport & take her out to lunch. We had a few hours to visit, got the grand tour of the convent estate that she resided at & learned a lot about the history behind it. She was so happy that day with the visit & sharing the history with us.
In my earlier days as a nurse, my mother's friend & co worker had a mastectomy at the hospital I worked at. I would go in to see her & always saved a break for when she would wake up in the night & sit with my mom's friend or help her with anything she needed & always stopped in before I left for home to see if there was anything I could do or get her.
A few years ago now, my husband & I got a call that my FIL had suffered a heart attack & stroke on Halloween. We were told by his brother that if we wanted to see him alive to come up for Thanksgiving. We did go up for the holiday & spent every day with him at the rehab he was at & had Dinner at my brother in laws house taking dad on leave that day. A week later on his birthday, Dec 2 he was given the news he had terminal lung cancer that spread & only 2 weeks left to live. A few days later, we got news that he was in and out of conciousness at my brother in laws home under hospice care. Driving through the night, we arrived at 4am. He had opened his eyes for each of us when we spoke to him then slipped back again. My oldest son could not make the trip with us. so we called him explaining what was going on & to just talk to his grandfather even though he wouldnt respond. Again his eyes opened & I noticed a slight smile before he closed his eyes again. By 9am, he had died in my arms while I was helping the hospice nurse. I feel in those last moments that our whole family being there,& the phone call from his grandson meant a lot to him even though he could not verbalize it, his other non verbal responses spoke volumes. He was not alone & that is important that he didnt feel that aloneness.
I felt sharing these stories may help others to not be afraid to take the time, & to spend time with people no matter the illness. As difficult as some situations are, all it takes is a little bit of your time, a warm smile & some laughter & some love. - 10/30/2008 9:42:13 AM
Thanks again..
- 10/30/2008 9:19:04 AM
Lisa - 10/30/2008 7:35:46 AM
One of my best friends passed away due to breast cancer, and we spent every minute we could together, she even moved in with me and my husband.
She used to wear a wig when undergoing chemo and hated it, so I told her to get rid of it, and I shaved my head too.
My mother is now undergoing chemo again for the second time in 5 years, unfortunately we are not close and she doesn't want to see me, so I just have to have updates through my sisters. - 10/29/2008 8:49:43 PM
Thank you - 10/29/2008 4:48:02 PM
I really appreciate the good friends I have to talk to, both online and offline. Especially those who just listen, and let my vent and have a good cry when I need it. I try to be positive, but it's not possible to feel that way 100% of the time, cancer is a very scary disease, even if you have it under control. - 10/29/2008 3:08:03 PM
I have really learned from this article. yet i hope to never have Cancer or have a close g/f with cancer. But now I know what to do if this should ahppen.
- 10/29/2008 3:03:29 PM
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